WE NEED TO START HELPING PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD!!! And We NEED TO Start In CUBA!!!

July 2, 2013

Seriously, gals and guys, people need our HELP.

Capital H capital E capital L capital P.

I’m talking for realz here. For REALZ, realz with a Z. That’s how much HELP they need.

There are terrible stories coming out of every corner of the globe this week and HBO’s VICE isn’t even on TV right now. I mean they’re usually my go-to source of everything bad news, but they’re on Summer hiatus and I’m still hearing about wild shit. As if the Mayans were off by a year and the end of the world is happening in 2013 and not 2012 like we all had our fingers-crossed for.

Not to sound heartless, but the bad stuff we’re all hearing about is in the past. It happened. We can’t reverse time. We don’t have a Superman or the Superman to fly against the grain of the Earth’s natural rotation and turn back time to undo these problems. Or if we do have Superman then he hasn’t reached the age of 33 aka Jesus’ age and revealed himself to help everyone. So, we need to kind of forget about what has already happened and move onto preventing disasters before they happen.

And we need to start in Cuba.

I just read the most tug at your heart strings story I’ve ever read and I’m fucking fragile right now from it. I’m a second or two away from being shattered glass fragments of my 30 year old self all over this floor and there is a very real chance that my dog Coco will sleep through my emotional breakdown because she’s pretty chillax right now and doesn’t really get wound up unless she sees a squirrel and my crying fit and catatonic state over what happened in Cuba is not at all squirrel-like.

LISTEN UP!

The people in Cuba are so sad, they’re dusty.

DUSTY!!!! 

LOOK AT ALL THAT DUST JUST EVERYWHERE!!! THEY’VE GIVEN UP! THEIR AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR SHOP LIVING ROOM FLOORS ARE COVERED IN IT, THEIR 1800’S WOOD TABLES ARE COVERED IN IT, THEIR CUT OFF SLEEVES WINDBREAKER JACKETS ARE COVERED IN DUST!

This GRAPHIC and HORRIFYING image of the state of affairs in Cuba is SHOCKING.

To catch you up to speed, Cuba is an island that is approximately 25 yards South of Florida and they were in Godfather II and they are communists. That sums up the last 150 years of Cuba. Ok? Oh wait, cigars. They’re good at cigars. Ok?

So, last weekend, the Cuban people were doing fine. They were doing pretty good, but something happened. MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SHOWED A BASEBALL GAME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 52 YEARS.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

If that wasn’t bad enough, THE BASEBALL GAME WAS TWO MONTHS OLD AND THERE WERE NO CUBANS IN THE GAME.

MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD!!!! THAT’S FUCKING AWFUL!!!! THAT’S FUCKING THE WORST FUCKING THING EVER!!! I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! AT LEAST, I CAN KIND OF IMAGINE WHAT THAT’S LIKE, BUT ONLY YOU KNOW THE REAL HORROR BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER ATTEMPT THE CRUELTY OF WATCHING A TWO MONTH OLD BASEBALL GAME!!!! THAT WOULD MEAN THAT BASEBALL GAME WAS FROM MAY 2 AND THAT’S FUCKED UP!!! WHAT NON-HUMAN MONSTER MAKES A PERSON WITH FEELINGS HAVE TO SIT THROUGH AN OLD MAY BASEBALL GAME?!!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!? AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

It’s fucked up. FUCKED up.

Look at what’s going on in this picture. I mean that is Evidence Alpha through Omega right there. Look at that guy. Look at that poor bastard. I mean it’s crazy what level of depression this guy is going through and baseball did it to him. I can only imagine he was a jovial salsa dancing cliff diver or something because he’s from Cuba and then Major League Baseball played that game and fucking look at him.

First off, he’s in his garage. That right there tells you something. THE SHAME! The shame he feels for this. He’s possible running the car fumes from his green Geo Metro into the rest of the garage because this is the fucking end for him.

Secondly, as mentioned, he’s covered in dust AND so is everything else. From the top of his balding head to his cuffed jeans – all dust. He’s got an inch of dust just on his t-shirt belly.

Thirdly, he’s forced himself to watch this atrocity on an old Mac computer monitor. I don’t understand that strange torture, but I’m guessing it’s like a Jane Buddhist thing where the pain is going to lead to better understanding of life.

Fourth, sitting in a chair with absolutely no lumbar support. Who does that? A defeated people do that.

This is what the MLB has done to Cuba. They have made the people of Cuba make the decision to head to their garage to accumulate dust while sitting in chairs with no proper back support and watch two month old baseball game between the Atlanta Braves vs. the Washington Nationals because they’ve simply quit on living. Quit on life itself. The Braves and the Nats have involuntarily helped destroy the Cuban people.

We need to end this. WE NEED TO STOP THIS HOLOCAUST OF THEIR SPIRIT.

We can’t keep on living like the people in Cuba are not covered in dust being forced to watch old baseball games. It’s sickening. It’s a sickening thought.

I don’t know how to help, but if you have suggestions. Maybe we can get sponsorship from PineSol or Swiffer or some over anti-dust agency. As for taking down baseball, that’s a cancer that will never die. But we can help with the dust though. That is where we will make our stand. And we’ll show the Cuban people there is something to live for like…

Corgi gifs.

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One Response to “WE NEED TO START HELPING PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD!!! And We NEED TO Start In CUBA!!!”

  1. PWG said

    Don’t they have several dozen reporters sitting over there with nothing to do until Snowden shows up? Those people should make themselves useful by dusting something. If that doesn’t work, they usually get a couple of hurricanes per year and that should wash a bit off it away.

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