July 3, 2013

What the fuck is up.

I am flying to Las Vegas in mere hours with Danielle.

I will most likely listen to several episodes of “How Did This Get Made?” on the flight and giggle like a jackass the entire time. This is an activity I was doing just last night while washing the dishes. Imagine that hot mess of sex! Me in a t-shirt I’ve deemed unwearable in public and a pair of mesh shorts with headphones on laughing to something you cannot hear while I’m washing dishes. Huh? What was that? Oh yeah, that was the sound of your orgasming all over yourself.

We’ll be in Las Vegas until Monday. Danielle’s never been to Las Vegas, this will be my 5th time, and all I have planned in my head is having her shoot a machine gun at The Gun Store and we’re going to go watch some UFC cagefighting action. So… I probably won’t be posting until Tuesday, but I’m sure there will be some instagrams or Twitter tweets about how the trip is going and the machine guns. Please let us shoot machine guns!


Kristen “All the WANT there ever was or will be” Stewart is single and…

KILLING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Kristen Stewart should’ve left that James Cameron’s “Avatar” faced asshole years ago because he was obviously forcing The Wantess to wear pants. FUCK PANTS. I know that I look like a young Santa Claus and I shouldn’t be making fun of other people’s faces, but I would never NEVER have forced Kristen Stewart to wear pants. Ever. Never. Ever. NEVER. FUCK PANTS.

They’re overrated! They live in Los Angeles. Pants are a cruel luxury out there. They don’t need them. Plus, what is this? The 1980’s? Women don’t need to wear pants to be taken seriously. At this point, misogyny has been forced to evolve that pants or no pants that person is still a misogynist, while non-misogynists aka “just good people” are completely cool taking a pantsless woman seriously. I’m just saying, the internet has changed a few things. One of them is having to take people who are pantsless seriously because there are a lot of people on the internet and most of them are not wearing pants. For instance, I’m not wearing pants. BOOM!

Back to Kristen Stewart…

HOW IS THIS NOT A MOVIE?!!!!?!?!?!?!

Ok, we’re fucking done with Twilight. Right? I don’t know. Are there more? Has anyone said there are going to be more? She’s done, right? They can let go of Kristen Stewart’s WANT and she can populate other movies again, right?

This picture above in this outfit should be that next movie! How can it not be?

Seriously, she’s pantsless, wearing fingerless black leather gloves, fucking chains or something, a white blazer of some sort, seemingly no shirt on underneath, high heels, and her face… KRISTEN STEWART’S FACE IS FUCKING READY TO GO. I don’t know much about women, but that’s a face of a woman ready to fucking GO. GO! FUCKING GO! GOOOOO!!!!

This is a legitimate superhero’s outfit. This is what a superhero fucking wears.

Maybe Kristen Stewart has in her purse some grenades or some sort of tranquilizing device… actually it would be more likely grenades because Kristen Stewart’s gaze is tranquilizing enough FUCKING BOOM!… but on top of that, this is what Kristen Stewart should wear when she punches someone’s or something’s head fucking clear off its shoulders. JUST WHACK! And the head flies off into the distance.

Let me also mention, this is not from a movie. As I said, this should be a movie, but it’s not a movie. This is from REAL FUCKING LIFE. Nevertheless, Kristen Stewart – who is basically a full-sized and functioning Tinker Bell – shines like a movie character amongst the sullen every day human beings who should never be in a movie.

I do not know who these two men are. I assume they are fashion people and are probably the reason why Kristen Stewart is at this Chanel show in Paris. Honestly though, my first guess was the guy in the brown jacket was one half of the tough talking gay guys from Seinfeld who steal the armoire from Kramer when he’s watching it for Elaine. Aside from that…

Kristen Stewart looks like she’s in a movie while they look like they’re waiting at a bus stop and Kristen Stewart also looks remarkably pantsless in this picture and she’s wanting a fucking hole through the camera and it is getting weird because the brown jacket guy is also wanting it and the other guy is adverting his eyes.

Speaking of pantsless…

I’m not sure what Kristen Stewart is doing with her face right here but…


Is everyone else seeing that? Maybe she’s doing that face because she’s realizing how fucking pantsless she is and how that’s got to be pretty freeing and amazing.


That’s a movie right there. That’s a fucking movie right there. A movie about Kristen Stewart being pantsless in Paris and being chased by the French equivalent of the mafia and Kristen Stewart has no time to get a pair of pants and instead has to fight the mob with her fists, feet, purse grenades, her feminine wiles, WANT stare, and probably a katana. I’m just saying if Kristen Stewart runs across a katana in Paris, while pantsless and being chased by thugs, she’s going to chop someone’s fucking head off.

I’d see that movie. Twice. In theaters. IN 3D!

I would break my ban on seeing movies in 3D to see PANTSLESS IN PARIS.


Are you kidding me? WHO IS THAT? Actually, I don’t care.

Kristen Stewart is like 5 foot nothing with a weight fluctuation of a pound or two pounds, but her bony ass would wreck that frilly chick she’s standing with. I mean is there even a question in your mind that if these two were in a BDSM lesbian relationship that Kristen Stewart would definitely be dominating the fuck out of this woman. I mean there might be a question in your mind as to why that is exactly the place my mind goes to within seconds of looking at this picture, but is there really a question in your mind at all about that? That’s pretty par for the course.

First thought, who would win in a fight?

First thought, sub-heading, would that mean they would be the top or bottom in their sexual fiascoes?

First answer, Kristen Stewart would win. First answer’s sub-answer,  Kristen Stewart is a fucking POWER TOP.

Also, Kristen Stewart looks cold as ice in this picture. Like her WANT is fucking cruel with a pinge of sadness in this picture.



Pinge? That’s literally what I wrote the first time through. Is that even a word? Google believes it is not for the most part. WordPress definitely doesn’t think it is a word, but WordPress is semi-illiterate. Did I mean pinch? Or is there a twinge? Is there anything that has the “nge” ending that I’m thinking of? I’m sticking with pinge because I bet you knew exactly what the fuck I meant when I said that.


I do not know who this woman is at all, but Kristen Stewart’s hand on the small of her back has lit a fire in her previously near comatose Valium induced state. This woman is legit aroused by what is transpiring and she’s letting us all know through the subtlety of her eyes. Look into her eyes. That is a human being who is comfortable experiencing a sexual release while in public, being photographed, in front of the oldest and most uncomfortable looking wooden chairs and all by a 23 year old super heroine named Kristen Stewart.

It’s like that scene in John Travolta’s modern classic “Michael” where he, the fallen angel Michael, puts his hands on the Jack Russell terrier after it got struck by a car and he brings the dog back to life.

That’s what Kristen Stewart is doing to this woman’s vagina. And she’s not even touching her vagina. Kristen Stewart is touching the woman’s back and subsequently her inner-vagina. Metaphorical vagina, which then has opened up the flood gates of her actual real vagina. Vagina.


Kristen Stewart.

Kristen Jaymes Stewart is supposedly set to appear in 4 movies, so sayeth IMDB, and I would not like to see any of them.

Let me rephrase that, one of them I might want to see a scene or two from and that’s this Sils Maria movie which sounds dreadful and complicated for the sake of being complicated because it is about women, several women. And in this movie, there’s possibly or at least I’m thinking there should be a scene with Kristen Stewart with Juliette Binoche. That’s not really my first choice for a female cohort to make out with Kristen Stewart, but Juliette will certainly do.

The other three movies are The Big Shoe, which let’s just say sounds skippable. Camp X-Ray, which sounds terrible with the little I do know about it. And a sequel to the SWATH, which is wildly skippable.

Meanwhile, these pictures are the movie she should be making.

Look at these pictures, come up with a storyline, and you’ve got a fucking HIT on your hands.

Same goes for nearly any fucking photo shoot or public appearance involving Kristen Stewart.


KRISTEN STEWART… WANTS… IT. Kristen Stewart wants IT.


And this picture…

It is too much for me to handle.

Kristen Stewart in a Black Flag t-shirt.

Some out there may say something about Kristen Stewart being born several years after Black Flag disbanded, and I would say to them something like SHUT THE MOTHERFUCK UP, YOU ASS DILDO. You didn’t have to be alive in 1969 to love The Rolling Stones, so suck on an AIDS pipe.

Also, just fucking enjoy life and enjoy Kristen Stewart wearing a Black Flag t-shirt.

I hope you have a great weekend when the weekend rolls around.

I hope you have a great 4th of July celebrating this fucking fine nation that has produced Kristen Stewart wearing a Black Flag t-shirt.

I love you.


  1. PWG said

    Pinge = tinge + pinch. And maybe pang.

    Have fun in Vegas. Wear sunscreen 🙂

  2. ekkko said

    gahahah that was an epic post 😀

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