The GRAND CANYON: I Cried And I Farted

July 9, 2013


And to you… I love you, my readers and readerettes. I love you like I love Las Vegas – I want you all over me for like 5 minutes and then I need steam clean my insides before I’m ready for another 5 minutes.

So, YES! Danielle and I went to Las Vegas! AND WE SURVIVED! Even better…

In a nutshell, we gambled roughly $3 and we spent roughly $400 on shooting machine guns. HOORAY, AMERICA! HOORAY, US! US AS IN DANIELLE AND I AND THE UNITED STATES!

I’ll probably drop some more Vegas stories into your plate for your eyeballs to eat throughout this week, and if you want to get a jump start on that stuff then you should be following Danielle on instagram – – and to a lesser extent me on instagram – . And there’s always this…

Where as today… I’m going to talk specifically about THE GRAND CANYON.

The Grand Canyon is THE shit.

It’s fucking unbelievable and you should all go to see it at some point because it’s fucking crazy and I want to go back to it when it is not 108 degrees outside like when we just went on Friday.

Here’s a little lowdown on the Grand Canyon…

There are pretty much two locations people go to: the West Rim and the South Rim. (Not to be confused with the Pacific Rim movie, which comes out on Friday).

This is a photo from the West Rim and at the top left corner is the Skywalk bridge, which is the big selling point of the West Rim. Another big selling point of the West Rim is that it is about 2.5 hours from Las Vegas, where as the South Rim is a good 5 hours from Las Vegas. The West Rim is easily a day trip and the South Rim is an overnighter. Also, the South Rim has the National Park and a zoo and is where you go and hike and camp and so forth… the West Rim is more scenic views, taking pictures, and getting back to Vegas without the need of camping equipment.

While this picture makes the Grand Canyon look pretty huge… it’s HUGER. SO MUCH HUGER.

That bridge has a 4000 foot drop underneath it. FOUR THOUSAND FEET! The Empire State Building is 1400 feet. The One World Trade Center is 1776 feet. The tallest building in the world in Dubai is 2700 feet. This is fucking 4000 feet. So, it’s fucking HUGER!

And the Skywalk is a semi-circle bridge with a glass floor that extends about 35 feet off the edge of the Grand Canyon, so you can look between your two feets and shit yourself about the 4000 foot drop underneath you.

Did we go onto the Skywalk?

You bet your sweet titties we did!

AND! We took the cheesiest photos, which the photographers on the Skywalk pose you in. This pose is super terrible and amazing and it’s Danielle and I linking arms for some unknown reason underneath the Eagle Point rock formation which is its namesake. I have to re-size the pictures to fit the blog, but I’ll post the links to the bigger versions, so you can see us in our HD glory…

This is the first picture that had us take on the Skywalk.

Honestly, I don’t have any real fear of heights, so walking on the Skywalk wasn’t bad. I was nervous just for the sheer fact that it isn’t everyday that you walk on a glass bridge that is 4000 feet above the ground. It’s certainly different. And one thing that we had to do on the bridge is just out of view of this picture…

You have to wear these little tan booties for your feetsies and they actually matched my outfit amazingly well.

I’m kind of getting ahead of myself…

So, Danielle and I rented a Hyundai Elantra and drove that to the Grand Canyon. Before we went, Danielle asked if we should rent an SUV. I thought she was saying that because I’m the size of an adult female grizzly bear and I do drive an SUV – Nissan Pathfinder mofos. I said we didn’t need an SUV and probably should get something with better gas mileage because we would be doing a lot of driving. What Danielle failed to mention was that there is a solid 10 miles of unpaved road that one must drive to get to the West Rim and a mid-size sedan might not be the best choice to go off-roading in.

Nevertheless… the Elantra went off-roading and handled it like a boss.

We later went to Lake Meade and did some off-roading there and took the Elantra onto the beach and got it stuck in the sand for a minute before getting ourselves out of it and back to paved road. I’m fully pro-Elantra at this point. We got into some shenanigans with that car as if we were in a fucking Hyundai Elantra commercial and it handled all of it really well.

After driving to the West Rim and its off-roading bits, you buy some tickets and you take a bus up to two spots – the first is Eagle Point and the second is Guano Point.

When we got to Eagle Point, everyone gets off the bus and has the exact same response, which really shows the futility in passing bills like Obamacare… everyone runs to the fucking edge of the Grand Canyon to look down and/or to get a shot of the Grand Canyon just one inch closer to falling to your death than the person next to you.

Everyone’s initial impulse is to basically throw themselves off this 4000 foot cliff. It’s incredible. There are no railings or ropes or anything, so the first response is to run straight to the edge and then peak over as far as one can before the next part where you throw yourself off the fucking Grand Canyon cliff-face. Everyone including Danielle and I did that as well. You can just walk around taking pictures because every where you look is the Canyon and all of it is magnificent.

Eventually, I decided to take a seat on a rock and just look out at this Earthly masterpiece and, honestly … tears. I had some tears about what I was seeing. It was a mix of what I was seeing and that I was seeing it.

When Danielle first gave me this Vegas present, I didn’t even think about the Grand Canyon. I just thought that it was great we were going to Las Vegas. I’ve been there 4x before and it’s an interesting place and we were going to see fights and I love fights, so I thought that was enough. Then Danielle said a few days later about what we should do on our trip is rent a car and drive to the Grand Canyon and right then I got a new type of excited for this trip. I always wanted to go see the Grand Canyon in a bucket list type of way and hadn’t thus far in life and wasn’t sure when I would see it and, now, Danielle just presented this option of seeing it. It kind of blew me away that I was going to the Grand Canyon… then we saw the South Rim was 5 hours away, which would’ve been a hassle, but probably a hassle we would’ve taken. Then we saw the West Rim was much closer, but people told us the West Rim wasn’t the greatest and that we should do the South Rim or shouldn’t do either and go to a different canyon because it’s Fourth of July weekend and it will be so overrun with tourists and so on and so on.

In the end, we went to the West Rim, the place wasn’t more mobbed than I imagine it is usually, it was breathtaking and we got to walk on the Skywalk and do shit like this…

… stuff like Danielle pretending to push me off the Skywalk or in reality Danielle lifting up my massive white leg while I lean back looking like a motherfucking jackass and appear to have stubby arms in this photo. Seriously… look at the bigger picture… my face is terrible. What’s up, Sir Squints-A-Lot?!

So, I got a little emotional at the Grand Canyon. A mix of seeing it and acknowledging that I was in fact seeing it.

Also, I did have sunglasses, but I took them off when we went on the Skywalk because I wanted to see the Skywalk with my eyes and not tinted by my sunglasses and then they took all these pictures and it looks like I’m either a meditating Buddha statue or Duncan from “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” the old man servant who had his eyes forcibly removed. So, while Danielle is pushing me over the Skywalk to my death – I look blissfully serene.

And Danielle…

Danielle looks fucking giddy about it.

She’s a trooper and smiles for every picture. Me? I squint and smirk or whatever. Who knows what the Hell I’m doing in any of these photos.

So, they had us pantomime like we were going to kill each other in the second set of photos, which is fun, right?

I shed a few tears and, as mentioned, I farted up there too.

Not specifically on the Skywalk, but just walking around up there on the Canyon rim. I was pretty gassy the entire trip. I’m not sure if it was from the traveling in particular or all the rich and glutinous food or from me never getting a solid fart session to get all the badness out of my asshole.

In our hotel room at the MGM, the bathroom didn’t lend itself to too much privacy nor did it have a fan in there nor did it have walls that muffled any sound. It is one thing to fart in front of your significant other and it is another thing to show off how much gas could possibly be trapped in your grizzly bear sized tummy. It is more modesty on my part than anything to not just go into the bathroom and start firing off like I don’t have a conscience, which kind of led to me just spreading some gas around when I could like I was Johnny Appleseed, but with farts.

It’s a good thing I have a girlfriend because no way am I going to convince anyone else to sleep with me after that. Although, ladies, I do fart, but I try my best to save it for an appropriate arena and not just trumpet it out my ass whenever the moment strikes like some other more foul dudes.

And while we’re being so fucking romantic…

Top 5 most scenic kisses Danielle and I have ever shared… arguably though Top 5 worst kisses. We do much better work when there isn’t a family of white trash tourists 3 feet from us arguing about whether they’re hearing the glass break under their feet while a college kid takes our picture and it’s motherfucking 108 degrees out.

Speaking of the rest of the tourists… mostly foreigners.

Has every American seen the Grand Canyon already? Jeez, America!

There were a sizable chunk of Europeans there, but it was most Asians. Asians as in Chinese and Indians. While those two countries do make up about half of the world (2.8 BILLION PEOPLE!), there was an inordinate amount of them at the Grand Canyon. There were so many Chinese people there that a lot of the signs at the Grand Canyon are… IN CHINESE. Or Mandarin if we’re getting down to the brass tacks. Which honestly makes a lot of sense because there are a fuck ton of Chinese people in Las Vegas. They LOVE Las Vegas. If you want a stereotype that fits, Chinese people love to gamble. And like I said, the Grand Canyon is close to Las Vegas, so there are a lot of Chinese people at the Grand Canyon on vacation.

As for Indians, they’re hilarious. Indians and/or people from INDIA are hilarious. Indian people are dressed in one of two outfits – 1. business casual or 2. Americana. They either look like they’re headed to a jeans Friday business meeting or they’re dressed more American than I dress. It’s amazing. So it’s 108 degrees and it’s dirty and rocky at the Grand Canyon and there are guys who are legit in dress shirts tucked into nice pants. Love it. Or there are Indians dressed in novelty shop style pro-U.S.A. shirts. And… they’ve got absolutely NO FEAR.

That’s the other thing. Chinese people can live pretty reckless lives, but they’re also very fearful and where surgical masks and are usually timid. They have no sense of personal space and will bump into you without any issue, and they don’t like looking you in the eye. They do wild shit, but they don’t do it for the wildness of it. And then Indian people, they’re out for an adventure. It’s like all Indian people drive a Nissan Xterra. If they had hang gliders off the side of the Grand Canyon – Indians would be lining up with ear to ear smiles and laugh their nuts off the entire time riding through the Canyon’s cliffs.

It’s nice seeing people from other countries enjoying the country I’m from. Especially, when the people from my own country look like hillbilly idiots and act like such fucking annoying fucks. Like this one family a million daughters who looked nothing alike led by a mute cowboy hat wearing dad and the bitchiest little troll mother. When it is time for them to take the pictures on the Skywalk, the guy taking the pictures has them pose and then was having them pose with their thumbs up and the wife was like “We don’t do that! We’ll put our guns up!” Then she makes the universal finger point gun with her hand and yells at her family to do it and they look completely oblivious as to why they’re doing this and act like they’ve never done this before. Then a few minutes later, the woman tries to explain to the photographer that from where they’re from in Texas that the thumbs up is this school and the guns up is this school and the fin… SHUT UP, BITCH. NO ONE FUCKING CARES. You can’t take a picture giving a thumbs up? It’s fucking a THUMBS UP! It’s the defacto human gesture! Some fucking school in Texas doesn’t own the thumbs up, you fucking dolt. And with that being said, this woman looked barely literate and far from a college graduate, so put your fucking thumb up.

Anyway, the woman was being a complete cunt beforehand and that just annoyed the shit out of me. She wouldn’t shut up on the Skywalk. She gave the photographer kid an attitude any time he said something to her. The guy gives you a card when you first walk out with a number on it to identify your photos from everyone else’s is and before he takes a photo of you he takes a photo of the card, so it’s easier to sort out later. He gives out the cards, she puts hers it into her pocket, a minute later they’re going to take the pictures of her horrible family, the guy asks for the card, and instead of just giving him the card from her pocket… she says, “I didn’t know you needed the card back. You didn’t tell me that.” SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DIE ALREADY! You put the card in your fucking pocket! You need to say something shitty to this kid instead of just taking the card out of your fucking pocket? It’s your fucking pocket! Just walk off the fucking edge of the Grand Canyon, which is a foot from where we’re standing or just die of diabetes already! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

So… the Grand Canyon was fun.

It’s a must-see.

I really want to go back and do the South Rim and the zoo and the hiking and the whatever else. It’s really breathtaking and beautiful and hypnotic.

Happy, I’m back?


3 Responses to “The GRAND CANYON: I Cried And I Farted”

  1. Oh good, you’ve posted all the awkward photos.

  2. Kim said

    Awesome, Totally Awesome!! Thx for posting the pix! And I love that you admit to farting out there on the West Rim — cuz ya know everyone does it — they just won’t admit it!!!
    As for the bitch mother — there’s always one, isn’t there?
    Glad you’re back!

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