IT’S FRIDAY!!! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TO YOU… IN YOUR PANTS?!

July 12, 2013

Hello, people of Earth.

Today’s post will be sort of random like they usually are, but with a pinge more random than usual.

I’m going to post a video, tell a story, mention something about “Pacific Rim”, post another video, and then post a gif I think. Let’s see if any of that actually happens. There’s a high percentage chance I’ll follow through with this and there’s a chance I’ll forget I wrote this little paragraph in 10 minutes and write whatever I want to write and then come back and delete this paragraph in its entirety, which is what happens on almost every other post I write … except for this one because I’ll leave this in just to show you my PROCESS.

So… shall we?

RR/RW CHALLENGES!!! THEY’RE BACK!!!

This past Wednesday, the oddest reality game series in existence is back with another season of exactly whatever the last season was, but in another place. There have been literally a million seasons of MTV’s “challenge” series featuring cast members of the Real World and Road Rules and then just other people they decided to add to the mix once they really got tired of recycling the previous people.

The video is from a bunch of seasons ago when Brad – the guy who is leaking blood by the end of the video – got what he deserved. Sad thing, they did kick Darrell off the show even though Brad instigated. Whatever. I think you win like $50k on the show and not to say beating Brad’s ass is worth $50k, but it’s definitely worth a good $10k, so it is really only $40,000 that Darrell should be mourning. At the same time, there’s certainly no guarantee that Darrell would’ve won any money on that show and most of the people don’t win any money and yet only one of them got to tee off on Brad’s dumb head. Amazing.

This season is called RIVALS II and I can quickly fill you in on what happened:

Dunbar and Tyrie LOST. They were the first team to go home, which is great because I hate Dunbar because his name is DUNBAR and also he is DUNBAR. Ugh. I hate that guy. As for Tyrie, he’s kind of boring actually. He had one great scene in all his years on MTV where he cursed out a girl who was cursing him out and honestly that’s really not THAT cool.

CT was CT. Whatever you imagine that means, it happened. Outside of throwing a punch. A punch at Adam. He didn’t punch Adam, which seems like that’s about all he does besides getting drunk, being a terrible representative of the human race, and hooking up with all the girls on that show.

Diem shouldn’t wear a wig. In what was the weirdest, funniest, and supposed to be heartwarming and was really a WTF moment – Diem and CT had a kissy moment in the pool where we were reminded about Diem’s battle with ovarian cancer. Legit… ovarian cancer. So, CT is telling Diem to take off her wig for him to kiss her because he doesn’t want to kiss her with the wig on. It’s kind of assholish with charm, which is all that CT is. CT is an asshole who looks like a guy in a costume contest to be a young and muscular Elvis, but wet-brain drunk. So, there’s that. … ANYWAY… Diem’s all emotional and her pre-packaged video with voice over is telling us how sad it is that she had to shave her head because of the ovarian cancer treatments and that is sad – it’s definitely sad, I’m not arguing that. BUT! BUT! BUT! At some point, CT gets to take off her wig … AND … DIEM REVEALS … A FUCKING CUTE PIXIE HAIR CUT. WTF?! Why is she wearing that stupid wig? Maybe she needed to wear it like 4 months earlier, ok, but now she’s got this completely in fashion pixie hair cut and looks a million times better with that than her cheesy Amanda Bynes blonde wig. WTF is going on here?! Burn that wig!

Anyway… the show is on Wednesdays. Get into it or not. What do I care.

ARIZONA IS FUCKING NUTS!!!!

On July 5th, Danielle and I went to the Grand Canyon, which I talked about on Tuesday and posted slightly embarrassing photos from. That wasn’t the only adventure we got into that day. We also went to the Hoover Dam, swam in Lake Meade, almost got stuck on the beach with the Hyundai Elantra, ate some In-N-Out Burger (which was Danielle’s 2nd time in her life and my like 104th time in mine), we went to the Old Strip in Vegas (1st time for Danielle), and… WE SHOT SOME FUCKING GUNS!

I’m not talking ‘guns’. I’m talking GUNS in all caps.

Not that anyone gives a fuck, but I support gun control and I think our country has a sickness allowing guns to be bought and sold as freely as they are.

WITH THAT BEING SAID, I think shooting guns is amazingly fun. Guns are absurd. Guns are powerful. Guns are more or less a roller coaster in the palm of your hand or a fast car’s throttle at the touch of your finger. I support places like I’m about to mention in the same way I support the idea of going to Six Flags to ride a roller coaster and not to try and build or buy a roller coaster for your own house.

While driving back from the Grand Canyon – which is in Arizona, if you didn’t know – Danielle and I spotted this road sign that said “SHOOT A MACHINE GUN! SHOOT A BARRETT .50 CALIBER SNIPER RIFLE! 10 MILES!” And that needless to say peaked my motherfucking interest. See, I’ve shot a machine gun before. And it’s fun. But you can shoot machine guns in Las Vegas at any of the many gun shop/gun ranges. But what you cannot shoot in any of those places is the Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle. Reason being? It’s pretty much a fucking tank shoved into an over-sized rifle’s body. It’s crazy.

You may have seen this guy in like every action movie post-1997 or Call of Duty Modern Warfare games or do you remember the movie “Eraser” and the bad guys had those futuristic rifles called “rail guns” – well those things don’t exist, but they used the Barret .50 caliber’s body for those guns and then added in green shit after effects to make them sci-fi.

So, 10 miles go by in a blink of an eye out there in Arizona because there is absolutely nothing but desert on all sides of you and before we knew it we had come upon the supposed location of the place where one could shoot this behemoth gun… and I drove right by it. FUCK! But every few miles there is a U-turn area on the road called a “crossover” and Danielle said, “just turn around at the next one”. Seemed reasonable enough until… I missed the crossover. FUCK! So, for the next minute, I stayed silent thinking to myself – keep going? or am I going to turn around at the next crossover and force Danielle to shoot some guns with the Sun about to set in an hour and we still need to hit up the Hoover Dam and Lake Meade? So, I gently pried Danielle with the idea that I was still planning on turning around and driving back like 7 miles to go to that rest stop that will probably be shady as fuck to shoot some big ass guns.

Thankfully, she just said, “if that’s what you want”. AND IT WAS.

We turned around and headed back there and arrived at a gas station/burger hut/convenience store/outdoor gun range. There was no one there except for a mildly tattooed woman smoking butts in the parking lot by herself. Surrounding the gas station were cardboard cutouts of caricatures of a young Sean Connery as James Bond, Pam Anderson as Barb Wire, Jason Statham as Jason Statham, Mel Gibson as Mad Max, and a ton of alien stuff including Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones from MIB. There was also a cardboard cutout of a tank. So, Danielle and I walk into what looked like a converted garage, which was filled with machine guns and pistols and an older man named Sam.

We exchanged hellos and he asked us what he could help us with and I said we would like to shoot the guns that we saw advertised on the road and he said sure.

Next thing, we’re at his outdoor gun range, which is a hundred yards behind the garage we were at previously and we’ve got a Desert Eagle handgun, a M249 SAW machine gun, and the Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle.

I was up first to shoot the Desert Eagle. I do know about guns. I do know that this gun is incredibly powerful and incredible inaccurate and incredible unreliable, but it’s fucking cool looking and was on the menu of guns to shoot, so I thought why not. I have shot a pistol before, but that was an M9, which is accurate and reliable and not nearly as powerful. I find shooting pistols really odd because there’s so much power and force you’re trying to control so far away from your body. Usually, if you’re trying to control something, you bring it in close to your body to get a better handle on it. You don’t want a gun firing off close to your body, and a pistol doesn’t have much to it minus the part that goes off, so you extend your arms out and hold it away from you and in front of you and it’s an odd experience. Either way, the Desert Eagle lived up to its reputation and exploded like a cannon and I hit basically nothing with it. I fired a clip at a paper target – 5 bullets – and hit the target once. That one time? The bottom right hand corner of the target. I can only imagine if you were actually in need of shooting something with this pistol that you would gladly change it for a gun that actually had accuracy with a smaller caliber than not hit your target at all with a huge caliber.

Sam later told me that he doesn’t like that gun and usually only gets little guys who have Napoleon complexes who want to shoot that gun. And he told me not to feel bad about my failure with it. Thanks Sam, but it still hurts.

Next up… DANIELLE!

So, Sam and I discussed for a moment about what kind of gun Danielle should shoot. Danielle’s never shot a gun before and these ranges aren’t meant for people who just want to learn how to shoot a gun and are more for experiencing shooting a MACHINE GUN. My first thought was Danielle should shoot an UZI because I thought that would be a hilarious picture. But then Sam mentioned with his logic that since this is her first time shooting a gun then she should probably shoot something with a bipod, which means something that is actually much bigger and we kept it American with the SAW.

With the bipod set-up and Danielle behind the trigger with her belt of ammo in place, my girlfriend LET IT RIP. Sam could not get over how great of a machine gun shooter Danielle was. He’s yelling out YOU’RE A NATURAL over the machine gun fire. It was amazing. Danielle dug her heels (not literally, she’s a lady, but we were at the Grand Canyon, so she was in some Asics or whatever) and tore up some hubcaps, which is what we were shooting at. I’ve shot a SAW before and they are fun.

Danielle’s got many fine qualities, but it was nice to add to the list ‘natural machine gunner’ with the impending zombie apocalypse we’re all hoping for. So, if we can get our hands on an M249 with a bipod and lots of ammo – I can sleep tight when it’s my shift to sleep knowing that Danielle’s got her finger on the trigger.

Next up… THE BARRETT 50!

I’m not a ‘bucket list’ kind of guy. I don’t really think about that stuff too much, but I would have said the Grand Canyon if I had to make a list. I don’t know if I would have said it necessarily, but anytime I’ve seen a Barrett .50 in a game or a movie I’ve always wanted to shoot one. So, it was about time to scratch off this possible hypothetical bucket list entry.

First off, you grip that sucker with two hands and bury it into your shoulder. It’s tough not to look at that thing and not imagine that’s going to explode like a bomb. The top of its barrel with that weird pyramid kind of shape that is there to divert all that air pressure away/around the shooter, which is specifically designed for this gun because this thing is that intense. Anyway… it lived up to its expectations.

You line up the scope on the target and you slide your finger to the trigger and you know just when you touch it… BOOM! It legit feels like a tank cannon going off. The sounds, the sonic boom like explosion at the front as the air pops out to the right and left. It’s incredible. Being accurate with that at the distance we were at wasn’t too difficult considering how fast and powerful the gun is. And there are tons of legends about this gun, that snipers have recorded kills with it at a range of over 2 miles away. That’s fucking INSANE. And I fully believe it.

After I finished the clip, it was time to say our goodbyes.

And time for us to be back on the road toward the Hoover Dam. A nice 15 minute or so pit stop, cost like $250, and wildly memorable.

AFTERNOON DELIGHT

This looks pretty good. I’m surprised Josh Radnor is in something I would want to see, but here we go. I really don’t care about him, but between Kathryn Hahn, Juno Temple, and Jessica St. Clair in the trailer – I’m interested.

That Juno Temple – you can barely keep her clothes on her.

And to end today’s post…

I can’t stop watching this GIF!

It’s Sam Rockwell if you can’t tell.

Ok?

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.

I love you.

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2 Responses to “IT’S FRIDAY!!! WHAT DOES THAT MEAN TO YOU… IN YOUR PANTS?!”

  1. PWG said

    That’s just about the most romantic description of your girlfriend ever.

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