KSWI Presents: Getting To Know Your Creepo Neighbors

July 15, 2013

Whaddup!

It is Monday and you know what that means! WE ALL WISH WE WERE SLEEPING!!!! WOOO!!!

Fuck you, world. Fuck you, for making us have to be up and shit. Fuck you, for the shitty shit that happened over the weekend in Florida. Fuck you, for that you fucking fuck. So… yeah?

What did you do this weekend?! Did you have a good time? Play with anyone’s genitals? Multiple sets of them? SOMETHING?! ANYTHING?!

Well, Danielle and I took in the comfort of not doing anything for the most part this weekend. We took in the solace and good times of lounging around the house and stuffing our faces with food and watching random shit on TV and watching an entire pay-per-view of women fighting other women in a cage – INVICTA IS THE BEST – and we smelled almost every single Old Spice deodorant there is to smell.

Yep.

There are 22 different Old Spice smells and we smelt about 14 of them. Maybe 15, but at least 14. That’s pretty fucking good if you ask me. I mean, how many have you smelled? HUH?! MR. or Ms. SMELLED ALL THE OLD SPICE SMELLS?! HUHNHNHHHHUHNH!?!!?!?!

I ended up purchasing “Denali”, which smells kind of vanilla-y and I currently can still smell it on my pits, so it’s going on like 20 hours of protection so far. Pretty good, Old Spice.

I have worn deodorant in the past. Different periods of my life marked by different deodorants. I’ve gone as simple as Speed Stick to as ritzy as LaCoste with a couple of Axe in between. It has been a few years since I’ve worn deodorant because if I had a super power it is that I never get too offensive smelling and I don’t really sweat to the point that I get a foul BO or anything. Either way, I kind of stopped, but while I was in Vegas I sweating buckets every second and thought it might be a good idea to have deodorant for extreme times like these, so I made a sort of impulse purchase buy while Danielle was buying scrunchies or whatever the Hell it is that women buy at drug stores.

As for Old Spice’s line of deodorants – “Champion” smells almost like nothing, which is kind of a philosophical query; “Swagger” smells nice, but a little cologne-y; “Aqua Reef” is nice; “After Hours” and “Pure Sport” are garbage; “Matterhorn” and “Fiji” are also garbage; “Wolfthorn” and “Hawkridge” smell like Starbursts; and what is billed as “Original Classic” Old Spice smells like dog shit. There are some others we smelled, but let’s just say that you can either get yourself a stick of “Denali” or “Swagger” or get bent – you know. WHAT?! HUHNH!?!?!!?!

Anyway…

***NEIGHBORS***

Who fucking needs ’em, am I right? Wish they were dead, am I right? Hmmm…

So, I have always heard that you should make friends with your neighbors because when shit goes down they’re the only ones around who can help. And that is GREAT ADVICE. It truly is. I know my parents on a few occasions have greatly benefited from being friends or friendly with their neighbors. It’s a piece of advice that I really would like to follow… and never have.

I’ve never made friends with any of my neighbors at any apartment or house I’ve lived in including the one I’m currently typing from.

I think I already mentioned why as to why someone should want to get friendly with their neighbor as kind of an insurance policy if shit goes wrong and you need someone within like arm’s reach. The other reason I guess it would be nice to know your neighbors is so that you don’t feel completely freaked out by everything they do all the time because people in the world are completely fucking nuts and it would be nice to have an inside track on that before one of them randomly grabs your attention at 7 in the morning and tells you that their 4 foot iguana is on the loose and you might need to look out for it.

WHAT?!? WHAT THE FUCK YOU SAY, CRAZY LADY NEIGHBOR?!

Danielle woke up this morning and took Coco – the delightful pitbull of ours – outside to poop and pee, when a woman two doors down yelled over the fence at sleepy-eyed and sleepy-minded Danielle that not only does this woman own a 4 foot iguana – which is fucking NEWS TO US – but it has also ESCAPED. ESCAPED!!!!!

Those were the first words ever exchanged between the tenants of that house and the tenants of this house and it was about a 4 foot iguana and it being out of control.

Terrifying stuff.

Also, terrifying is the likelihood that Coco will find said iguana and kill it.

I’m taking like 2:1 odds bets on that happening.

Later, I saw that woman going around a different neighbor’s backyard just looking for the lizard and looking absolutely bewildered as to how to find it. Great.

As for the rest of our neighbors?

When Danielle and I moved in, the house to the right of ours was more or less a halfway-house/squatter’s next for pot-smoking Hispanic teens. The house on the left of ours was really only slept in by a couple who owned a black dog that never stopped barking and sometimes a younger female, but I have no idea what was going on over there.

Nowadays, the house on the left was recently bought by who the fuck knows. Seriously, there is an elderly couple in there and there is also a guy in his mid 40’s who drinks Miller Lite screw tops and smokes cigarettes on their porch while listening to shitty cock-rock and there is a woman with a bowl cut who could be anywhere from a portly 15 years old to a very odd looking 40 year old. Who knows? From time to time, there are teenagers hanging out on their porch smoking butts with the girl of an undefined age. I have no idea what is going on with that group of people.

On the other side, the squatter’s nest is being renovated by a group of yuppie whites and apparently there is a crazy middle aged white woman with a FOUR FOOT IGUANA. Who the fuck knew? They have campfire sessions in their backyard where they drink beers and have the most MUNDANE conversations of all time. I overheard them while taking Coco out and I almost died from boredom while eavesdropping. You’re around a campfire and drinking beer! Talk about catching VD or the time you committed a hit-and-run. SOMETHING! ANYTHING! Seriously, you’ve got a 4 foot iguana in there… you know you have some scarier skeletons in that closet – unburden yourself.

Oh yeah, and they’ve got a motorcycle that is randomly turned on at like 5am some days. And we once saw a grown man butt scooting down the steps of their deck and counting the steps while he did it while on a cell phone. LET ME REPEAT THAT SENTENCE… a man of 50 some odd years in age is on a cell phone, butt scooting down a set of unfinished deck stairs, and counting out loud while he does it. I have no idea why that man was doing that, but there has got to be more effective way to do it than what he was doing.

Then there are the neighbors two houses down on the left side who have suddenly announced themselves from seemingly hibernation. I never saw a person or saw a light or anything from the people two houses down all Winter and Spring. Now that Summer has arrived, it is fucking NEW New Mexico over there. They have been throwing all-day/all-night salsa parties on the Sunny weekends. I legit never hear a peep out of them and then come Saturday night at like 1am, there are 10 50+ plus year olds on their deck listening to what is in essence La Cucaracha while swigging drinks and yelling Sophomore level Spanish about God knows what. I catch like every 5 words, but can’t make sense of it more because they’re blitzed drunk. I’ve been calling them “Little Oaxaca” because I love saying the word “Oaxaca”.

So… those are our neighbors.

I doubt we’ll ever make friends with these people especially since we’re looking to move in a few months anyway, so I guess better luck next time.

Also, I’m not saying Danielle and I are not weird. We spent a solid 15 minutes in the deodorant aisle on Sunday smelling everyone we could get our smellers on.

ANYWAY…

How was your weekend?

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One Response to “KSWI Presents: Getting To Know Your Creepo Neighbors”

  1. NixHaw said

    See? You just documented all the reasons why NOT to make friends with your neighbours.

    Also, this post is timeous in my life, as last night I was invited to “a friendly event” for all tenants. This “friendly event” was further defined as “get to know one another on the property and prayer for situations and people…” The ellipsis and grammar are not my addition. That is exactly what was printed on the invitation.

    I very quickly discovered that I had an urgent doggy playdate that I simply could not cancel (after speedily texting my friend and arranging said doggy playdate). So unfortunately I will be unable to attend this “friendly event”.

    Also, as is written into each lease, no snakes are allowed on the property. As the property is toward the more rural side of town, I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned this to snakes in the fairly wild African bush surrounding us. Nevertheless, I doubt iguana’s are allowed either.

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