July 16, 2013

Howdee doo poo… hmmm…

Last night, Danielle and I talked for a minute about AIDS… errr… I mean how George Zimmerman gained easily 30+ pounds to appear less intimidating at the trial… errr… I mean we talked about what movies were actually good that we’ve seen this year. Yep! That’s the one!

Well… as far as I can remember… the best movie we saw all year has been(!)

The is the End

Yep! Followed closely by Fast & Furious 6 and Man of Steel. Yep!

We also saw The Place Beyond the Pines which was so-so. The first third rocked, the second third was meh, and the third third sucked. So, do the math.

What do we have to look forward to from an already pretty shitty year? Who the fuck knows?

Oh wait, I know. I looked it up! CRAY CRAY!

I’m going to briefly scan over the first half of AUGUST‘s movies and see if I can find a winner.

Here. We. Go.

2 GUNS – Looks fucking awful. Denzel Washington has never been in a comedy and this movie is about as close to a comedy as Denzel has ever gotten and when you plan on jumping into comedy for the first time it’s a decent idea to go tandem in a buddy-cop movie, but Mark Wahlberg is not the right buddy to choose. In a word, Mark Wahlberg “sucks”. Ok… ok… I’m being harsh. Mark Wahlberg is good in “The Other Guys” opposite comedy genius Will Ferrell and he’s good in “I Heart Huckabees”. Ok? Outside of that, he sucks. Jeez, he sucks. I saw “Ted” the other night and I was fucking stumped at what I was supposed to laugh at. Minus Giovanni Ribisi dancing to “I think we’re alone now” is anyone sure that there was a funny part in the movie? Anyway, “2 Guns” looks like “Bad Boys” minus all the personality. I believe Denzel can do comedy, but not this one.

THE CANYONS – Lindsay Lohan sucks worse than Mark Wahlberg. Is Canyons supposed to be good? When the director of a movie flat out says he regrets hiring the lead actress and goes on to bash her performance then why is the movie still coming out? It’s like a prank Bret Easton Ellis is pulling on people stupid enough to see the movie. Why would someone legitimately see Canyons? To see HOW BAD LiLo is and/or to see PORNSTAR Jame Dean act better than LiLo? Terrible reasons. Also, this movie was a legit publicity stunt from the beginning with Ellis being as big of an attention whore as everyone else deciding to hire LiLo and hire James Dean and star them as people who fuck each other. That’s not a reason to see a movie.

DRIFT – Amazingly it is not about car racing. Remember Sam Worthington? Well, he’s in a surfing movie that will be lucky to make a theatrical release. No one will ever see this movie.

EUROPA REPORT – Well, hate to be the bearer of bad news for this movie, but it’s been up to DL illegally for at least a month now, so the nerds who they’re expecting to see this movie have already seen it. The movie is getting average reviews. More or less, this movie sounds like Danny Boyle’s “Sunshine” about a crew of co-ed astronauts sent into space on a lofty mission and you spend the first 2/3’s of the movie focused on how they survive and live in space and then by the last third they’ve all gone insane and it turns into a paint-by-numbers psycho-thriller. It stars Sharito Copley from “District 9” and I’ll probably end up seeing it at some point. I’m a fan of this sub-genre of “indie sci-fi” and this might be the best of that bunch. Also, it could be something to whet the appetite for Alfonso Cuaron’s space movie later this year that has Sandra Bullock and George Clooney.

THE SPECTACULAR NOW – Youths! Love! DRAMA! And that’s what this movie is about. If you’ve been waiting with bated breath for another chance to see Shailene Woodley on the silver screen then here you go. There’s also a bunch of other stellar looking white people in this movie like Brie Larson, Kyle Chandler, the ageless Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Mary Elizabeth Winstead aka Ramona Flowers. So, whatevs.

PERCY JACKSON: SEA OF MONSTERS – Not unless Percy’s love interest Alexandra Daddario signs a bi-weekly contract to clean Danielle and I’s house. French maid costume or not, someone needs to be cleaning this house and I hate doing it. Also, at one time, Gina Carano was rumored to have a role in this, but doesn’t, so I’m not seeing this movie because I’m not seeing it… plus spite.

WE’RE THE MILLERS – I’ll probably see this. The trailers are a mix of possibly funny things and possibly eye-roll worthy gags that would only be funny to someone who is fresh off of potty-training. If the title doesn’t spark any lightbulbs, it’s a raunchy comedy starring Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Anniston and other people. Jen plays a stripper and Jason hires her to pretend he’s his wife on a family vacation that he’s having with his boss. I think? I don’t know. Either way, it’s from the director of “Dodgeball”, which I liked, so there’s a chance this could be actually funny. At the same time, I’m completely weirded out that there are two movies about Jason giving the old Sudeikis to Jennifer Anniston. The movie “Horrible Bosses” concluded with Jason’s magical penis thwarted the insatiable Jen. I’m guessing there’s a good possibility that something like that happens in this movie. Kind of weird, right? I think you would be crazy at this point to choose Jen over Olivia Wilde, but if Olivia wants to keep her manz, she should get a shiv and stay frosty when Anniston is around.

DISNEY’S PLANES – Fuck Disney.

ELYSIUM – What is this the Summer of Sharito Copley? Hahah… hmmm… So that guy Blomkamp who gave us “District 9” is back with another movie that’s kind of like “District 9”, but with more action and it stars Matt Damon and Jodie Foster. I’m seeing this. I know I said I was seeing “Pacific Rim” and probably a bunch of other movies and I lied, but I will see this. I really don’t like Guillermo Del Toro, so I really wasn’t TOO sold on “Pacific Rim” I’m pretty sure my article about HOW FUCKING STUPID it looked may have helped you with that conclusion. I really liked “District 9” and I really liked Blomkamp’s other short films, so I’m seeing “Elysium”. Sci-fi action and guys in metal outfits with katanas… I’m seeing it.

I GIVE IT A YEAR – DIVORCE IS SO FUNNY! It’s an R rated rom-com and it’s about what you would guess the movie is about… PRETTY WHITE PEOPLE. That’s what all movies are about, I guess. Anyway… it’s got the chick from Bridesmaids in it who was the pretty WASPy rival of Kristen Wiig as the main character. Do with that what you will.

IN A WORLD… – Could be a really good indie comedy. It’s written, directed, and starring Lake Bell who is an actress you may or may not know. I don’t know! I can’t see in your head! And, it’s about Lake’s protagonist played by Lake trying to crack into the male dominated world of voice over work for movie trailers. It’s got a solid supporting cast and Lake is funny herself. She’s also got some marvelous boobs, which she showed off on HBO and in a horror movie recently and I only mention that because THIS IS AMERICA DAMN IT! And, she’s done funny stuff for Adult Swim’s “Children’s Hospital” and “The League” and other stuff. So, I’m definitely curious about this movie. And it appears Ken Marino is the villain or one of the villains in the movie and I’d see just about anything Ken Marino is in. I’d watch a Shia LaBeouf/Mark Wahlberg buddy comedy if Ken Marino was in it. … Maybe not. I don’t know!

JUG FACE – Horror movies don’t need interesting titles or stories or characters or really anything. They all suck and they have a built in audience of people who want to see the suckiness, so here’s another horror movie. Honestly, they should just title horror movies in sequential order. Here’s HORROR MOVIE #7,849 coming out Friday!

LOVELACE – I do not care about the fictionalized biography of pornstar Linda Lovelace. Sue me. I don’t care at all. Are you going to tell me that Amanda Seyfriend cries a lot and gets naked in this movie? Guess what?! She’s already done that! Go see “Chloe”. She gets naked in almost every scene in that movie and she has sex with a young man, an old man, and a woman in that movie. And she cries. So, what do you got for me “Lovelace”? Oh, she’s a brunette?! Fuck, I’ll pre-order my tickets never.

PRINCE AVALANCHE – It looks good. It also looks quite melodramatic, but it looks quirky and funny. It’s Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch as two aimless road workers who challenge each other’s stances in life in an old vs. young kind of way. They’re flawed and they’re two halves of a complete person and it’s a little bitty indie comedy. Also, Paul Rudd has a mustache in it. FUCK YEAH. You know! How long have you been waiting to see Paul Rudd with another mustache? I spend most nights just thinking about when am I going to see Paul Rudd acting with a mustache. The answer is this movie and, of course, Anchorman 2.

And… that’s about it for the first half of August.




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