July 17, 2013


You get it.

Let’s go.

AIN’T THEM BODIES SAINTS – It’s the 70’s and Rooney Mara and Casey Affleck are country outlaws and I’d watch this. Or at least I would assume so. Casey Affleck has the Midas touch at the moment and he really must because I fucking hate that phrase. Stick your gold up your own ass, Midas touch! Anyway, it’s an indie drama as one would expect. It’s less sexy than “Lawless” but really couldn’t have a worse storyline, so there you go. That’s my pitch. Oh yeah, “Lawless” was a bloodier and slightly (only slightly) better acted version of “The Newton Boys”, which sucked.

THE BUTLER – Forrest Whitaker plays a butler who served 8 American Presidents. It’s an interesting enough movie idea on its own, more or less having a butler play Forrest Gump and his ability to seemingly shape government policy through his personal influence over the Presidents… or at least that’s kind of what they’re hinting at in the trailer in the scene with James Marsden excellently playing JFK. Weird thing… Marsden isn’t mentioned in the trailer, which makes me wonder how much time he’s actually in the movie. Who knows? Who cares? OPRAH! Yep. Oprah is in it. Amazingly enough, Oprah is acting in a movie this year. I’m not exactly sure if she’s Forrest’s wife or his sister or his momma… I don’t know. I can’t remember, but Terrence Howard said that he had sex with Oprah in a scene in the movie I believe and then he went on to say pretty accurately and creepily how “voluptuous” Oprah’s chest is/was. This movie seems like Oscar-bait, but at the same time it is coming out in August, which is an odd month for a more serious movie like this.

JOBS – Nah. I’m not seeing Ashton Kutcher act and definitely not seeing him act as Steve Jobs. I saw one movie about Steve Jobs like a billion years ago with “Pirates of the Silicon Valley” and that was a good movie and really all I’ll ever need on the subject.

KICK-ASS 2 – Whether Jim Carrey does or does not support this movie, I did/do not have high expectations either way. Reason? Director Jeff Wadlow. He’s made two movies. 1. was “Cry_Wolf” which was the internet horror movie or something that no one saw or cared to. 2. was “Never Back Down”, which was the horrible backyard MMA movie set in the O.C. That movie sucked, I’m guessing the other one did too. So, high hopes? No. The rest of the cast is in tact, which is a good thing, but doesn’t mean that they’ll be able to recreate the magic from the first one. Who knows? It could surprise. It could also be a shotty retelling of the first one with mindless action sequences. I’m guessing the latter.

PARANOIA – This movie is not being advertised really and it also features Harrison Ford. I will stand by this proclamation I’m about to make… Harrison Ford will never be in a good movie again. PROVE ME WRONG, FORD! What are we even saying? The last “good” movie that Harrison Ford made was “Air Force One”? That came out in 1997. So, we’re on a 16 year hiatus from a “good” movie. Generally speaking, I think the last actually good movie that Harrison made was “The Fugitive” and I think that is an outright excellent, 4 stars out of 4 stars, modern classic, great movie. And I think that Harrison stated that he thought the Academy was never going to give him an Oscar and he wasn’t even nominated that year. Tommy Lee Jones actually won the Oscar that year for best supporting. Honestly, it was a tough year. I mean Tom Hanks won for “Philadelphia” and Daniel-Day Lewis was in “In the Name of My Father” also there was “Schindler’s List” that year. ANYWAY… I’m pretty sure I read that Harrison has stated the above and thus gave up on actually “acting” and just does it for the paycheck. He started acting in the 60’s, gained some momentum in the 70’s, really gave it a shot in the 80’s, gave it some effort in the first half of the 90’s and then just has been phoning it in ever since. So… this is a no.

THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF GOD – Terrible title, worse trailer. It’s like “Twilight” with sub-machine guns, which now that I think of it… nah. This is going to be excruciating acting. Like it’s going to hurt inside my urethra to hear them read lines. Also, it looks like it had the budget of a late 90’s “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” episode.

DRINKING BUDDIES – I wanted this to be cool, but the trailer is pretty meh. I like all 4 people mentioned. I like Olivia Wilde, I like Ron Livingston, I’m really starting to like Jake Johnson, and Anna Kendrick is America’s MOTHER FUCKING sweetheart. So, I was rooting for this. But it looks not funny enough to be a comedy and kind of drab as a drama. I don’t know. We’ll see. Maybe it is good. It looks like it is caught at a crossroads of what it wants to be. I really wish caught in the crosshairs made more sense than crossroads because I like the word crosshairs. Can we just put Anna Kendrick into everything? If instead of 100 foot robots, there was a 100 foot Anna Kendrick battling Kaiju in “Pacific Rim”, I would’ve saw it.

THE FROZEN GROUND – You’ll have to rent this, but… NICOLAS CAGE, JOHN CUSACK, VANESSA HUDGENS… and… 50 CENT. !!!!!!!!!!! Who even cares what the movie is about.

THE GRANDMASTER – I’ve seen several Wong Kar Wai movies and I like them and I like a lot of this cast – including possible high priced escort/Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon starlette Zhang Ziyi – but I really don’t care about this storyline. There are so many movies made about “Ip” or “Ip Man” or whatever who is the supposed martial arts teacher of Bruce Lee. It’s all fairytale nonsense more or less and I’ve seen a few of these movies and they’re all whatever at best. It’s kind of standard Chinese action fair like America has rogue agents. Kind of bored by it.

THE WORLD’S END – The latest and greatest from Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and the like. It’s about a bunch of English bros who are going on a bar crawl they attempted 20 years earlier and this time the end of the world happens as well. Sounds fun. Looks incredibly similar to the other movies these guys have made and I’m all for watching another one. Why not?! APOCALYPTIC COMEDIES ABOUT FRIENDS WHO HAVE LOST TOUCH! So, it’s exactly like “The is the End” and yet… BRITISH. WOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

CLOSED CIRCUIT – Do you remember Eric Bana? He’s got a new movie. Good for him.

AFTERNOON DELIGHT – I just talked about this movie the other day. It’s the Kathryn Hahn and Josh Radnor and Juno Temple and Jane Lynch and a bunch of funny white women and it’s about Hahn taking on Juno the prostitute as a personal rescue case, but in turn she’s really rescuing herself. Funny, right? It looks good.

GETAWAY – Ethan Hawke AND Selena Gomez? Yikes. Jeez, I just noticed that Jon Voight is also in the movie. I hope someone kept Selena away from Voight. Eh, whatever. She’s fucked anyway. It cannot be good to be hanging around that Bieber kid.

I DECLARE WAR – Kids playing capture-the-flag and imaging they’re using really weapons instead of sticks? Sounds great. Legitimately could be a great movie. Will keep an eye out for this one.

THE LIFEGUARD – America’s other sweetheart Kristen Bell – who should remain at least 100 yards away from Anna Kendrick because if the two of them ever got within 50 feet of each other then I can only assume their cuteness gravities would cause each other to be sucked into the other one and form a world ending blackhole of sweetheartness and we’d all die essentially – is in a new movie that I did watch the trailer of… but I watched it on mute. It looked promising at least for the fact that Kristen Bell is dressed in a red swimsuit throughout most of it and is oscillating between being sexy and crazed, so that’s cool. It’s about a 30 year old moving back in with her parents and resuming her life as a high schooler and drama ensues. It looks pretty good and Kristen Bell is very talented, so there’s that.

ONE DIRECTION: THIS IS US – I want no part in this. I really only wanted to mention this movie because I know my opinion doesn’t matter on the subject, but those One Direction guys look like complete fucking idiots. I saw a commercial they did about anti-bullying. Dude. I know this may be wrong to say, but I would have bullied the shit out of the One Direction kids. I would do it right now if I could. They look like the tooliest tools. The douchiest douches. Actually, they simply look like clowns. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Their hair. Can I just say for one second? Their hair. It’s fucking stupid.

PASSION – God bless you, Brian De Palma. That may have been the only time that was ever typed. BUT! I really should say that the blessings of God should fall on Brian De Palma IF AND ONLY IF this movie results in several epic lesbian scenes between Rachel McAdams and Noomi Rapace like the storyline suggests. If it doesn’t result in that then MAY GOD DAMN YOU TO ETERNAL… DAMNATION and/or being forced to watch “Thor” over and over and over again until you die. Seriously?! A SATELLITE! THE PEOPLE OF ARIZONA THOUGHT THAT A HAMMER WAS A SATELLITE AND THEN THOR KNEW THAT SATELLITE MEANT IT WAS HIS HAMMER?! THAT WAS A SCENE IN THE MOVIE! A PIVOTAL SCENE IN THE MOVIE WHERE THOR WAS RECONNECTED WITH HIS HAMMER WAS PREDICATED ON THOR UNDERSTANDING THAT A SERIES OF DIRTY AND STUPID REDNECKS THOUGHT WHAT THEY FOUNDS WAS A SATELLITE AND IT WAS IN FACT A HAMMER. UN-FUCKING-REAL.

That’s August.

Some promising movies.

Some not so promising.




  1. tiffanized said

    I’ll see the One Direction movie the second it comes out. We will see it at midnight. Those little bastards have grown on me. I feel like I can admit that here since my foray into Twilight fandom is well documented and one can’t really have shame after that. Maybe if they were hot 20 year old girls instead of guys you’d have a higher tolerance level for the goof factor? Anyway, I’m into it, but I’m sure there will still be a lot of cringing.

  2. ekkko said

    no blessings for brian de plama then :))
    but the movie is pretty watchable , up to the 2nd or 3rd plot twist at least. around the 6th one i rly wanted to shoot him lol
    apparently he was like “i have this basic story here, but it can go in 10 different ways… oh wait, i’ll just film all the 10 ways in one film – surely that would make perfect sense!”

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