My Weekend Review In 5 Bullet Points…

July 22, 2013

WHADDUP.

It’s Monday and it’s hot out, but it’s not disgusting out, so that’s a first. It’s like sort of disgusting, but not disgusting the way it has been every other day for the past 2 weeks. Things are looking up, am I right? WRONG because it is July and AUGUST is going to be Hell I’m guessing. Anywhooz…

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?

Did you get some? Like sum? Like sum uv dat P … OOS … D … EEK…. ??? The poos deek? Did you get any of that?

My weekend was on the lower key side, which was nice actually.

I think I can give you all a nice overview about my weekend with 5 bulleted categories. I haven’t previously thought out what those categories are, so let’s see how well I do with this…

  • RYAN GOSLING

Apparently, every nerd and their mother spent their weekend watching Ryan Gosling and director Nicholas Refn’s new movie ONLY GOD FORGIVES this weekend. And they watched it…

ILLEGALLY!!!!!!

YEP.

I’m not sure how or why, but OGF was leaked online on Friday and it isn’t set to hit American theaters until some time mid-August I believe. So, if you’re one of those people who do the DLing and so forth then you probably watched this movie. The reviews I saw online were mostly negative as was my own. I don’t agree that the people of Cannes should’ve panned this movie or should’ve walked out of the screenings of it, but it’s far from what we were hoping for.

I’m not sure how “spoiler-y” this is or isn’t, but at no point in the movie are you ever given a reason to root for Ryan Gosling’s character Julian than him being played by Ryan Gosling. If your default mode of rooting for the guy who is the main character and the main character is a good looking white boy with puppy dog eyes then that’s the only reason you’ll ever want Gosling to succeed in this movie. At no point is there a moment in the movie that should make you want to root for Gosling other than that you’re sexually attracted to Ryan Gosling. That’s really the long and the short of… oh wait, there is one moment where Ryan is hanging out in some alley way during the day waiting for a guy to show up, so he can put a bullet through his brain and The Goose feeds what looks like part of a tortilla wrap to a 3 legged street dog. So I guess there’s that.

The movie is shot beautifully – as one should expect. The movie is at a dead snail’s pace – as one should expect. Ryan Gosling has maybe 20 lines in a near 2 hour movie – as one should expect because Refn finds Gosling’s face so interesting, but not his voice. The violence is graphic and shot incredibly – as one should expect. But there really is not much more in the movie than what you saw in the trailer and the movie is like 800x longer than the trailer.

While there are some cool moments or ideas in the movie, the movie is so slow and there’s almost nothing in between that makes it worthwhile. Character traits do not make a character. It’s an artsy movie that is more or less asking you to treat it like a Summer blockbuster because they’re too lazy to flesh out anything. The idea that I have to turn my brain off to enjoy “Pacific Rim” should not become the same means of enjoying myself when I’m seeing a so-called visionary director like Refn. For better or for worse, we’re expecting more from Refn. And, at the same time, his movie is so unforgivably slow that it better have some smarts too it. Something like “Fast 5” is not brilliant, but the pacing is fast and the action is enjoyable and it’s a fun experience. In OGF, you’re given huge stretches of nothing, mixed with brief moments of action or weirdness that seem completely unrelated to the nothingness you’re watching.

In the end, it feels like the movie was made in reverse order and someone made the trailer for OGF first and then was forced to make a movie out of that and they really didn’t want to, so the half-assed it.

But damn is Gosling handsome. If Refn was allowed to release a two hour movie just staring at Ryan Gosling’s face with no edits or dialogue or anything… he would. And, he’s getting closer to it with each movie.

  • FOOD

Do you like food? Then get your penis/vagina and mouth over to Marie’s Italian Specialties in Chatham, New Jersey. FOR FUCK’S SAKE, DO THIS FOR YOURSELF! You’ll thank me!

Even if you have food allergies that would likely kill you halfway thru your meal, it would be worth it. Seriously, do you want to spend your whole life drinking soy milk and eating gluten free cereal? Or do you want to go out in a blaze of glory and just die while eating drunken chicken parmigiana smothered in a vodka sauce you would kill your second born for?! That’s what I’m saying.

Besides what I already mentioned with the vodka sauce and the chicken and the parmigiana bit, there’s also prosciutto on it as well. Yeah. FUCK YEAH!

Danielle had their pork bracciole ragu, which was fucking amazing.

This little place in Chatham was featured on “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives” and I want to have my wake and funeral there because I plan on eating myself to death the next time I go there.

Also, Danielle and I got a little adventurous in our cooking Saturday night by making something that we ate in Las Vegas – cheeseburgers with peanut butter. FUCK YEAH.

I love peanut butter. If you don’t love peanut butter then GET THE FUCK OUT AND GET YOURSELF NEW TASTE BUDS!

I had a cheese burger in Las Vegas that had crunchy peanut butter on the bottom bun and potato chips and a bacon jam on the top bun. It was great. I don’t know how to make a bacon jam, so we did everything else plus we used bison meat and ate ourselves silly on Saturday night. Peanut butter and a burger is amazing.

  • VIDEOGAMES

I’ve been playing the zombie apocalypse game THE LAST OF US on PS3 and it has been getting better the more I play it. It started off really well made, but kind of slow and the pace has picked up since. It’s a fun game. It’s great looking, it’s a little bit glitchy as all games tend to be, but it’s entertaining and fairly intense.

I never expected this to happen and actually thought the reverse was going to happen, but Danielle watches me play videogames.

I’ve caught a couple episodes of Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian’s TV show and in the show Lamar specifically asks Khloe to watch him as he plays Call of Duty. That’s hilarious and amazing, but not something I could have imagined would go on in my household. But when it comes to these games that are more linear and storyline driven, Danielle has actually been into watching me play the game. I can’t imagine her watching me play the endless killing of Call of Duty online, but for games like The Last of Us where there is dialogue and set action scenes and a world you get immersed in then it makes more sense.

When I was in college, a friend of mine mentioned how he used to like watching another friend of ours who is so good at videogames it’s like he’s actually the son of a lovely Massachusetts woman and possibly Mario Mario of the Super Mario Bros. Anyway, he said it was like watching a movie more or less as he just tore through these games. I can definitely see that being true.

Danielle watched most of BIOSHOCK INFINITE which was a great game and she’s seen pretty much all of The Last of Us so far. If you haven’t grabbed either of those games than you should. Also, a game not really fun to watch, but very fun to play is BORDERLANDS 2. Danielle hasn’t enjoyed watching that game as much, but it’s an excellent game to play.

  • COCO

  • DREAMS

I don’t think Danielle and I did much more this weekend than going to a family BBQ on Sunday and going grocery shopping and we did take Coco to the vet for a few more shots that she needed.

Last night, I did have some wild dreams. There was one where I was working as a mechanic in some shady back alley and we only worked on these crazy illegal rocket powered cars that looked futuristic obviously. One of the clients was actress Juno Temple strangely enough and the rest were a bunch of Euro trash looking coke addicts.

The other part of the dream was that Danielle had a high school friend who was a post-op transexual and a single “mother”. This friend was coming on to me very strong and really just all out trying to molest me and I was trying to be nice about it and get Danielle to stop her/him, but Danielle was oblivious and playing with the he/she’s baby. We were in a car at one point where Danielle was in the back seat with the baby and I’m in the front seat and the tranny is driving. The tranny is also getting grabby with my knee/thigh area and I’m fighting that off while trying to change the subject to music on the radio. At some point, the tranny, transfixed with sexually assaulting me, rams her car into a black Mercedes and all fun and games had to stop. After exchanging insurance stuff, we get back to the tranny’s apartment and Danielle is putting the baby to sleep while I’m legit being chased by the tranny around the apartment. I woke up in a panic.

So, I guess what I need to know is is it alright for me to hit a transexual her who used to be a him if it’s trying to pinch my butt or grab my thigh when it is also your girlfriend’s friend from highschool? I think I was more worried about the whole friend thing with Danielle than punching a tranny. I mean no is no when it comes to dudes as well.

Anyway…

What did you do?

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3 Responses to “My Weekend Review In 5 Bullet Points…”

  1. If any of my tranny friends ever try to molest you, you hereby have my permission to slap them.

  2. NixHaw said

    Coco is the best part of your weekend, in my opinion. But I am puppy-biased.

  3. Kim said

    “Or do you want to go out in a blaze of glory and just die while eating drunken chicken parmigiana smothered in a vodka sauce you would kill your second born for?!”

    What a great line! And definitely what life’s about! I HAVE to try this place.

    Love that Coco! keep posting pix.

    I bet you had that tranny dream after the PB/Hamburger. I would have never thought of putting PB on a burger, but I’m going to try it tonight! Thx

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