TO ALL THOSE AT COMIC-CON- MOST COMIC BOOK MOVIE ADAPTATIONS SUCK! – Part 1
July 25, 2013
I said it.
I think we’ve all been saying it.
But it doesn’t seem to change the sheer optimism with which Hollywood or fans have when it’s announced another one is being made or when a first trailer hits the interwebs.
Hello, my little koala bears and chinchillas.
I HAVE GONE TO THE WIKIPEDIA! YES!!!!!
After many fretful nanoseconds of searching, I found a list – A LIST, I FOUND – with all the comic books that have become movies. And with this list – WITH THE POWER OF THE LIST – I am going to focus on English – DO YOU SPEAK IT, MOTHERFUCKER?! – language comics that have been adapted to English language movies.
Since there are a million of these… I’ll do it in sections… first #’s thru E…
30 Days of Night – Sucked. Not in the vampire way of sucking blood, but in the vampire way of almost every movie involving vampires sucks as a movie.
30 Days of Night: Dark Days – Didn’t see it. Can only imagine that a sequel to a bad movie is also bad.
300 – Good. If for the action alone. If for the amount of men’s boobs alone. Seriously, men have boobs. I mean we don’t have the tear drop, kind of eggplant boobs that I love and dream about all the fucking day and time of my life, but men have some boobs. Boobs with nipples. And both are shown with reckless abandon as well as slow-mo spear and sword fighting. Some of the movie isn’t good and with that I’ll also say the ‘source material’ isn’t good – for shame, a comic book isn’t good?! Yes. The comic by Frank Miller is entertaining to obvious and nothing special and yet the movie makes it feel like a fucking EPIC.
And there is a sequel for said movie coming out this year and it will suck… HARD.
Alien vs. Predator – Terrible.
Alien vs. Predator: Requiem – Terrible-er
I don’t remember which one it was of the two of them, but if you want to see a movie that does Twilight’s “imprinting” before Twilight did it then fucking watch one of those movies because the Predator IMPRINTS including a seared on tattoo on the cute black chick who survives. Twilight fucking stole from AVP. Amazing? U BETCHA YO ASS!
American Splendor – Great. Comic book? Yes. Superhero? No. Just a well acted comedy drama from Paul Giamatti.
Art School Confidential – Never saw it. Not a superhero movie, but it’s a comicbook. It got good reviews? No idea.
Avengers – Made more money than I will ever comprehend and yet it was a completely paint-by-numbers and plot-hole ridden experience of popcorn eating fluff. The best part of the movie is The Hulk smashing Loki and it’s the length of a standard gif and the rest of the movie is absolutely forgettable. Oh wait! I can’t forget it. FUCK! Hey Hawkeye, you know how you were put under a magical spell from a great wizard from a different dimension… oh wait, if I just smack you in the head you’re back to normal. Or what about that part in the movie where Thor tried to kill Captain America? Yeah. Great good guy there. Great morally corrupt murderous good guy there. He just fucking met the dude and then he is going to try and smash him to death with a hammer that he believes can really be stopped by nothing. Anyway… those are two random moments as opposed to be the big clusterfuck of all the stuff involving Loki and him wanting to get caught and the prison chamber thing that’s supposed to hold the Hulk, but can’t hold Thor and blah blah blah…
But I’ll say that a lot of people liked it and it made tons of money, so there you go.
Barb Wire – I’ve been entertained by this movie a few times and it’s a guilty pleasure in that regard. It’s a bad movie, but it’s a fun bad movie.
Batman – It’s good. It’s a very different direction on The Joker and the timeline of the movie is absolutely insane, but it’s an entertaining movie. Plus, fucking “Bat Dance” by Prince.
Batman Returns – Weird and fucking terrible. Catwoman is an actual cat. Penguin is an actual Penguin. We have to assume Batman is part bat, right?
Batman Forever – It has its moments. Mostly the moments involving Jim Carrey. It’s not particular good, but it’s fun.
Batman & Robin – I CURSE THEE! Fucking awful.
Batman Begins – Amazing.
The Dark Knight – Transcendent.
The Dark Knight Rises – FUCKING TEARS! Excellent movie. A superhero movie that brought people to tears. That absolutely never happens.
Blade – Great. Arguably, the best vampire movie. I’m not joking. The vampires are fucking vampires in this movie. They eat people, they’ve got super powers, they wear leather, they listen to electronic music. That’s all vampire shit right there. Not climbing trees and shimmering or whatever. And Wesley Snipes is at his best as an action star in this movie and as a comic book superhero action star. He does all the twirly whirly kicks and shooting two guns at the same time. The movie follows many classic vampire tropes and is a satisfying dark action film.
Blade II – Sucked. Ugh. Replaced all of Wesley’s natural kicking abilities with shitty CGI. Not good.
Blade: Trinity – It’s not as good as the first as far as action because they do add a fair amount of shitty CGI work in place of Wesley’s own martial arts choreography, but this is one of the funnier action movies of this type. Ryan Reynolds is fucking real likable in this movie and really jacked and beardy. Jessica Biel doesn’t have too much screentime, which would’ve been nice if there was some more of her. Doesn’t she take like the most thought provoking shower in this movie and fall asleep in the shower? I can’t remember. But who does that?! Unless you’re fucking drunk. I’ve fallen asleep in the shower drunk for like a split second.
Bulletproof Monk – Fucking bad.
Captain America: First Avenger – I liked it a lot. A lot of that has to do with the style of the action scenes and Hugo Weaving’s ability to play a convincing villain wearing a Halloween mask. Solid movie.
Catwoman – Sucked.
Constantine – I liked it. Francis Lawrence can make some pretty movies. That movie is wonderful looking through and through and the story is pretty well told. And who doesn’t love a movie where you get to see Shia LaBeouf just smashed to pieces. Great tone and seriousness. It felt a lot like the movie “The Prophecy”, which I also like a lot.
Cowboys & Aliens – Boring. Awful.
The Crow – My favorite. Love everything about this movie. Minus Brandon Lee getting killed, but you know … errr… I love that it’s almost all in black and white. I love the mix of scenes with action, martial arts, gun play, sometimes just straight-up fucking people up. A simple story that they nail. It’s got great music, one of the best rock soundtracks and original scores. Excellent tone and is easily better than the original source material, which doesn’t happen often.
The Crow: City of Angels – Could’ve been good. Wasn’t. There are a few scenes that could’ve worked or some ideas that could’ve worked, but they didn’t execute them well in the end. It’s also just random. I’m not sure if Iggy Pop is a bad guy or a good guy in this movie because he’s definitely a bad guy, but we pay reverence when he dies as if he was the good guy. It’s a weird movie.
The Crow: Salvation – I wouldn’t wish watching this movie on my worst enemy.
The Crow: Wicked Prayer – Didn’t see. Could only imagine it is torture.
Daredevil – Bad. It’s a very bad and weird movie. The first scene… the opening scene fight scene in the bar… it’s as if that scene is from a different movie entirely. What they try to do in that scene, they never try to do again in any scene after that scene. The movie doesn’t know if it’s supposed to be funny, CGI, wire work, gritty, sad, a romance, and instead does all of those things terrible. I will say, I’m not like a huge fan of that first bar action scene, but that movie could have been a much better movie. I feel like 8 different directors had their hands on this movie and none of them should have been within a 10 foot pole from it.
The scene where Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner playfully fight on the balance beam is akin to the Holocaust in my opinion.
Elektra – Wow. This was worse. You would think Daredevil was bad, until you see Elektra and you don’t even know where bad begins. Although, I can’t think of another movie that has as good of a scene where a lady slashes at curtains for no apparent reason. Oh wait! That was fucking terrible and they shouldn’t have ever filmed that. EVEN FUNNIER! If you have seen Daredevil… you see Elektra die in that.