TO ALL THOSE AT COMIC-CON- MOST COMIC BOOK MOVIE ADAPTATIONS SUCK! – Part 3

July 29, 2013

Hello, hello, hallo!

We’re going to continue this venture through the unsanitary waters of comic book films, but first…

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK!!!!

It’s good.

And, I’m not saying that entirely because of the amount of women’s nipples you are treated to. Because there are a lot of women’s nipples offered early and often.

Within the first 3 minutes of the show, you see former “That 70’s Show” star Lauren Prepon’s nipples, you see the protagonist Taylor Schilling’s nipples, and you are more than treated to the enormous boobs that also have nipples of side character Maurello – who you see topless at least 2 more times in the show as far as I’ve seen in 5 episodes.

Netflix is doing a great job thus far. “Arrested Development” season 4 – while not perfect, certainly a good show. “House of Cards” was definitely entertaining and engaging enough for Danielle and I to fly through that first season in about a week. Yesterday, Danielle and I nipple watched 5 episodes of the 13 for this show.

It’s made by the same woman who did “Weeds”, so it does feel a lot like “Weeds”. It’s got the same level of silly meets sad like “Weeds” had in its early seasons before it jumped the shark and became unwatchable. And where it’s not “Weeds”, it’s actually a lot like “Oz” as far as structure and not sodomy and dicks. If you never watched “Oz”, every episode focused on a character in particular where you learned something new about their past and that played into the episode’s current time period. Although, “Oz” was a lot more Shakespeare-ian with Harold Parrineau’s character (in a sense) talking to you the viewer about what one should expect from the episode and so forth.

For fans of “The Wire” especially season 2, there’s an absurd creep-o guard played by former Frank Sobatka’s nephew Nicky who is now sporting a ridiculous mustache and harboring about every perversion one can imagine.

So, there’s some comedy, a little drama, and lots of nipples. Can’t go wrong with that, right?

Back to the books… the comic books.

KICK-ASS – Great, great, great. Better than the comic book, in my opinion. I think it nailed what the comic was going for and was 100x more charismatic about it. The sequence where Kick-Ass first sees Hit-Girl in action literally slicing and dicing up human beings is bonkers and perfectly executed by the actors and director Matthew Vaughn. My favorite sequence in the movie is easily Nic Cage living out all his childish hopes and dreams by playing Big Daddy and his warehouse scene where he is basically Batman with a bloodlust. And the movie has a classic Cage scene where he’s screaming to his daughter Hit-Girl about what to do while he’s burning alive. Only Cage could have pulled that off.

And as far as the sequel? Don’t get your hopes up. Actually drop your hopes altogether. It’s the same actors, but actors are not what a movie makes or whatever. It’s the director. And the director is not Matthew Vaughn – it’s somebody else obviously and let’s just say that usually switch in directors like that doesn’t result in the best outcome… especially for movies like this. But who knows. We’ll see.

THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN – While not much like the comic book it is based off of, it’s not that… errr… it”s bad. Honestly, it is bad. It’s really bad. When I saw it for the first time, I thought it was bad, but I could have fun with it. Second viewing? Blech. It’s bad. And in comparison to the comic book, it’s way off the mark with what it should’ve been. The comic is much more serious, much darker, and has more nudity and blood. The comic book also has one of the most ridiculous and I personally think amazingly horrifying scenes where Mr. Hyde (of “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde”) rapes to death the Invisible Man. That sounds awful and it is, but would it help anything if I said you actually don’t see the rape and that the Invisible Man is a bad guy in the comic books? Yay? Nay? The Invisible Man betrays the good guys and Mr. Hyde oddly enough is one of those good guys. There’s a sequence where he is walking around the mansion they’re in and is talking to himself, but is really talking to the Invisible Man, but the Invisible Man doesn’t think he can be seen, so he thinks Hyde is bluffing. Then Hyde reveals that since he is this animal monster that he is – he actual can see body heat and can see the Invisible Man’s body heat. This cuts to Hyde eating dinner at this long white table and the rest of the people come in and ask what he’s been up to and if he’s seen the Invisible Man and whatever. Anyway! As the dialogue proceeds, blood starts appearing on Hyde’s shirt then the table then the floor then the walls and he continues to eat the whole time. It’s that the Invisible Man is losing his ability to stay invisible as he is dying of his wounds in the other room and in then end Hyde is covered in blood, the whole room is, as well as the next room and … well… I thought that was pretty clever. Whatever. Sue me. The movie sucks.

THE LOSERS – Looked terrible. Looked so cliche too. I read reviews for this and most said it was terrible. The few that were positive were saying it wasn’t AS BAD as one might imagine. I guess if you’re imagining the badness of a cliche A-Team ripoff with terrible one-liners is going to give you cancer than it not giving you cancer is a positive.

THE MASK – Loved this movie when I was a kid. I tried watching it a couple years ago and all it was was YELLING! and LOUD NOISES! So, I wasn’t impressed. It’s quite adult for a kid’s movie and if you take a step back from the obvious – it’s kind of horrifying. Not really a good movie I would say though. It’s just not pleasant to sit through. I will say though Cameron Diaz looks fucking unbelievable in this movie. Especially, that first scene in the bank. She’s like the embodiment of sex in that first scene. So, they fucking nailed that.

And the dog is cute. We fucking loved Jack Russell terriers in the 90’s. Jack Russell terriers and blondes with tits and lips. Well, I guess that could be said for all decades. Well…

SON OF THE MASK – Didn’t see it.

THE MEN IN BLACK – Good movie. This movie was the biggest. I feel like everyone on Earth somehow saw this movie. Will Smith is great, Tommy Lee Jones is great, it’s got all the standard gags you would want in the movie and it’s fun for the family, right?

THE MEN IN BLACK II – Well… it’s really just a ripoff more than a sequel. Not as good.

THE MEN IN BLACK 3 – Didn’t see it. Couldn’t imagine seeing it.

MONKEYBONE – It’s got Brendan Frasier in it. Need I say more. Oh right, he’s talking to a cartoon character too. So, never see this.

MYSTERY MEN – People hated this movie. I saw it and thought it was … well bad, but not like the worst thing ever… but yeah, it’s bad. Decent enough premise with a bunch of less than stellar superheroes banding together to fight crime in their weird ways. It’s got a solid cast, but it’s just not good. Whatever.

OBLIVION – Didn’t know this was a comic book movie. This movie is the worst. After two hours of watching that movie, I was still wondering when it was going to get started. That movie was long, slow, and dull and made little to no sense. Also, it was tough to keep a straight face about how fucking dumb everything they did was. Seriously, all their decisions are stupid. I do not know how anyone sat through the dailies of this movie and didn’t think it was so awkward and slow and boring… oh wait! Tom Cruise. What I’m guessing, no one has final say over Tom and if Tom is cool with it than they’re cool with it. The movie sucks. The director sucks. Same guy who did Tron 2 which was so fucking terrible.

I will say I laughed A LOT at Oblivion and Tron 2. Laughed AT them and certainly not with them. I couldn’t stop laughing during Oblivion when Tom brings home another woman to eat dinner with his wife/co-worker on a planet that is supposed to be devoid of human life. I laughed my ass off at the racial purge storyline in Tron 2, which ended with Olivia Wilde being black. Also, there was that part where they recognized a guy a decade later because he held two of those rings at the same time, but couldn’t see his face. UGH! He’s the worst director!

THE PHANTOM – Remember Billy Zane? Right?! That’s a blast from the past. This movie sucks. It looks like a made for TV movie by the Disney channel and that’s not a good thing.

THE PUNISHER (1984) – Dolph! I think this is the best Punisher by far. It’s dark, it’s gritty, it’s Dolph, it’s set in New York City, and Dolph, and Dolph fighting a prostitute with a knife and DOLPH ANDX DOLPHADFASDF ADSODL DOLPH! Whatever. It’s not a good movie, but it’s better than the others.

THE PUNISHER (2004) – One good action scene. There’s the slapstick action scene of Thomas Jane fighting Kevin Nash in his apartment. That’s a decent scene. Outside of that, pretty unwatchable. About the only thing that is entertaining in this movie is that John Travolta is supposed to be Cuban and his sons are the most Cuban Cuban’s to ever Cuban. The movie is awful.

THE PUNISHER: WAR ZONE (2008) – Terrible. I tried sitting through this movie twice and didn’t succeed either time. The opening 10 minutes or so with Dominic West of The Wire-fame playing a New York mob boss was nails on a chalkboard listening to that cartoony accent he was doing. The action is over the top and it’s usually in a room with no light, so who the fuck even knows what’s going on. I was bored by it and annoyed by it. Brits playing New Yorkers with bloody but poorly constructed action scenes.

R.I.P.D. – Didn’t see it. Everyone hated it. Everyone has pointed out how it is the worst retelling of Men In Black anyone could imagine. So, there’s that.

RED – Didn’t see. Looks like “The Losers” but with old people.

RED 2 – Didn’t see. Looks like “The Losers” but with old people who have run out of ideas.

RED SONJA – That’s what I’m talking about! A great looking woman in a chainmail bikini killing people with a huge sword. While a brilliant premise, it’s pretty much a B-movie with boobs and hackey action. It’s Conan, but with woman’s boobs instead of Arnold’s man boobs. And honestly Arnold has much bigger boobs than Brigette Nielsen… BUT lucky for all of us, Arnold is in this movie too. So, it’s pretty much the Conan movie if you subbed Conan in for the blonde and the blonde in for Conan and called it Red Sonja. Not the worst thing in the world, right?

RICHIE RICH – Yeah, this sucked. BUT! I do have a somewhat funny anecdote about this odd movie featuring a family carving their Mt. Rushmore in their backyard with a laser cannon. I saw this movie at the old Westfield Cinema, which ceased to exist back in like 1996. That theater had no shame in letting kids into R rated movies or selling tickets to sold out shows. They also used to have weekly midnight screenings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Anyway, back to sold out screenings… I saw this movie during the middle of some Saturday with a friend and the movie was sold out. Beyond sold out. There were children and parents who stood, WHO STOOD, to see Richie Rich. That’s fucking dedication. I sat in a seat. Although, my friend sat on a step in the aisle. So, I guess I was Richie Rich that day, am I right?

ROAD TO PERDITION – Yep, it was a comic first. The 1930’s Tom Hanks gangster movie was great. There was some great stuff in this movie like Tom Hanks shooting people with a Tommy Gun and Jude Law being a fucking creepo sadistic killer weirdo and Daniel Craig being a cowardly weirdo and Paul Newman being a ball busting dad. Beautifully shot, simple story, some action, good acting. Good movie.

THE ROCKETEER – I don’t want to lie to you people, I don’t like this movie. I haven’t seen it in years, but I never liked “The Rocketeer”. I wanted to. I think the premise is fine, but I thought the movie was a bore and a chore to sit through and never enjoyed it. Whatever. I feel like chicks liked this movie more than dudes because it really tried to hammer home a lot of cheesy romantic shit. Whatever. Dude’s got a rocket, good for him.

I’ll finish this up tomorrow with S – Z.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

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3 Responses to “TO ALL THOSE AT COMIC-CON- MOST COMIC BOOK MOVIE ADAPTATIONS SUCK! – Part 3”

  1. YOU DIDN’T LIKE THE ROCKETEER? It’s like I don’t even know you. I loved that movie when I was little. It was a staple at sleepovers…

    I received The Mask as a gift in 4th grade for a good report card. I liked it fine for a brief period of time, but realized a few short months later that it was unwatchable when my significantly younger cousin inspired a murderous rage in me when she wouldn’t stop screeching “LOOK MA, I’M ROADKILL” on the way to a redneck amusement park called The Land of Make Believe.

  2. Kim said

    I spent last weekend watching all 13 eps of Orange if the New Black. I really liked it — two thumbs up!

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