July 30, 2013

Hi, you sexy motherfucker.

Today is the final installment of more or less me shitting on comic book movies. I’m not TRYING to shit on them; it’s just what I think about them. Like the title says MOST suck. So, there you go.

I will preface this by saying that I’m not really a fan of the original Superman movies. I’ve watched them several times each and they’re not good or they’re barely good at times. I’ll get to them when I get to them, but I wanted you to be prepared. The allure of those movies is all nostalgia and that we all loved Christopher Reeve for some reason or another. But those movies are iffy at best.

Back to the list… starting with S

SCOTT PILGRIM VS. THE WORLD – Excellent. One of the best comic book movies, one of the best super hero movies, one of the best nerdy action movies (?). Anyway, Edgar Wright is a wonderful director and he pulls out all the stops with this one. It is both quick wit and incredibly well-directed action that hits on both anime influence and big CGI superhero movie influence. It’s really one of the most visually pleasing films as far as actually well done action mixed with very clever use of camera work, text on screen, and so forth. It’s just a great movie through and through and it has a great soundtrack as well. I really really love the “Clash at the Demonhead” section of the movie and how Edgar Wright displays the superhero powers of Brandon Routh’s character. Those scant moments are better than pretty much all the Marvel movies thrown in a blender and mined for the highlights. Great movie.

Can’t wait to see what Edgar does with “Ant-Man”. He has shown a bit of a demo reel and it looks very fun.

THE SHADOW – Did you know Alec Baldwin was a superhero? Or played one? I mean he kind of is one with the whole getting his three idiot brothers famous and himself famous and hooking up with Kim Basinger and now he’s with a yoga teacher half his age and people love him even though he called his daughter a pig and well… He’s a superhero for his own benefit. ANYWAY… he was in a movie called “The Shadow”, which is BAT SHIT INSANE. And I’ve watched this movie at least 4 times. It’s Batman with guns and magic. Which I guess could be said the same for Billy Zane’s “The Phantom”, but in Shadow the magic is Asian and in Phantom the magic is African. Everybody still following along? “The Shadow” is bad, but I don’t hate it. I think it has promise and really could be a really fun movie if a quality director took hold of it. It’s got the Mad Men suits and cigarettes style, it’s got guns, it’s got odd super powers, and it’s got an odd Asian mysticism at the end where Alec Baldwin fights a flying dagger that is ALIVE. I think I “like” it because it’s so nuts and at the same time I recognize a lot of tropes in it in other movies. Whatever. I have two guilty pleasures from Alec’s catalog of movies: this and “The Getaway”. The latter makes no sense but Basinger looks fucking amazing in the movie and there is a lot of action and I don’t know why I’ve seen it 3 or 4 times.

SHEENA – Never seen it. It looks like a B movie Tarzan (which Tarzan already is, but you get my point), but with a female Tarzan. Apparently, Sheena is the Queen of Africa or something. I haven’t seen it. It’s probably terrible. Let’s assume it’s terrible.

SIN CITY – Read the comic books and wasn’t overly impressed by them. Saw the movie; felt the same. The best story in the comics is easily Marv’s and the second best’s is easily the old cop and the young stripper. Now, I’ll give Robert Rodriguez a lot of credit in bringing Marv’s story to life. I think Mickey Rourke and Elijah Wood really did capture those roles and did a great job with that section of the movie. As for the old cop, young stripper… well… it had its moments. You won’t find a bigger fan of Die Hard than me, but Bruce Willis wasn’t the best choice for the role of the old cop. He’s just not lumbering enough of a guy or ugly enough or amazingly old looking enough. As for Nancy the young stripper, Jessica Alba is an absolutely stunning woman… who does not know how to be sexy. She IS sexy, but she doesn’t know how to BE sexy. And she’s a fucking stripper who is wearing more clothes than the bartenders at that strip club? What the fuck? Hire an actress who will actually strip! SHE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A STRIPPER. As for the rest of that story with Nick Stahl as the yellow guy? Yeah, it’s pretty spot on as to the comic book and I thought that was fairly stupid in the comic book as well. As for the rest of the movie… horrendous acting performances by everyone else.

Michael Madsen gives one of the worst “performances” in any movie I’ve ever seen ever. The entire storyline for Clive Owen was difficult to watch with how terrible it was. ESPECIALLY, the ONE scene that was directed by Quentin Tarantino with Clive and Benecio Del Toro in the car together. Oh man, that was rough. And I know they were trying to stay true to the book and all, but all that voice over was fucking boring. Pages and pages and pages of voice over. It’s fine line being true to something and improving something and fucking something up, but those comic books are average at best and leaving all that averageness in there… it got tedious.

I really enjoyed a third of it, hated a third of it, didn’t really like the other third. And the Josh Hartnett and Marley Shelton bit was skippable. It was also something that wasn’t from the comic books as far as I remember, so it didn’t need to be in there at all.

SPAWN – Pretty fucking terrible. The funny thing is, I really think the people who made that movie really tried and you can see that they tried and at the same time… it didn’t matter. Spawn was always style over substance. It’s pretty much a re-imagining of “Ghost Rider” with a juggalo in it. The movie tried and I think they did almost as good as they could have done for that time period and probably their budget for all the CGI. Nevertheless, not a good movie. It’s also pretty depressing as Spawn was, so it’s not fun. You feel a little uneasy about how ugly everything is in the movie. Not pleasurable to watch. Again, that’s what Spawn was though. Spawn was a horror comic in many ways and as well as it was drawn it was ugly because of the subject matter. Spawn as a visual character is very appealing, but that doesn’t mean he’s the basis of a good movie.

SPIDER-MAN – Solid movie. If they could just edit out that rooftop scene where the Green Goblin and Spider-Man talk about joining together then the movie would be infinitely better. That scene is the fucking worst. Besides that, I think it is a very well done origin story that also spends a good amount of time creating a villain. I think the Green Goblin’s head could have looked a little better, but whatever. Enjoyable movie.

More than anything, this movie really made Spider-Man a superhero in a way that I don’t think anyone could have previously anticipated. As a whole, I don’t think people could have pictured Spider-Man having the type of appeal that Superman or Batman would have. I think Sam Raimi did a truly amazing job taking a comic book character and elevating him to a status that I don’t think he could have ever achieved on its own. Spider-Man came out the 2002 Summer obviously following 9/11 and the final sequence of him choosing being Spider-Man over Mary Jane and then swinging through Manhattan’s streets and landing on the Empire State Building with an American Flag flying… it was fucking EPIC. That was a statement like fuck you terrorists, we’ve got Spider-Man. And I really think that was a powerful image for our country at that time and no one would have expected that from a Spider-Man movie. And any movie that can tap into our collective consciousness with that image and the “great power comes great responsibility”… I mean I’m not saying “Spider-Man” was “Forrest Gump”, but it kind of was.

SPIDER-MAN 2 – I think it’s better than the original, a lot better. I really liked all of Alfred Molina’s scenes and I think they made Doc Ock even more impressive of a villain than he was in the books and Green Goblin in the last movie. I thought as an action movie and as a sequel and as a Summer blockbuster it delivered on all levels. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie and have fond memories of it. People had really high hopes for Spider-Man 2 and I think it matched them if not went past them.

SPIDER-MAN 3 – Too much of a good thing. I think everyone knows that this movie is two or three movies crammed into one movie and that’s the problem. Everyone was leaving town after this movie and they tried to force it all in, so there was nothing left for anyone else. Three villains with three entirely different story arcs with a superhero with an entirely different story arc. It’s too much. It was rushed and ridiculous. They really should have cut out the alien symbiote/Venom stuff. That’s a whole movie unto itself. I am a big fan of Venom in the comic books, but the Spider-Man movies had already setup James Franco too much as the next villain that they had to do that storyline. The Sandman? Sure. But not Venom as well. That’s way too much shit. I really like all the James Franco, Tobey Maguire stuff in all these movies and it’s too bad that Raimi tried to shove Venom down our throats. On its own, the Venom stuff could have been good in another movie. Spider-Man turning bad and then having to battle Venom and whatever. That would’ve been fine. Topher is an odd choice for Eddie Brock to begin with and then his character gets marginal screen time to really develop into something that we’re supposed to care or worry about. It’s just random. It’s too random. The end action sequence comes out of fucking nowhere and unfolds in a fucking weird way. Anyway… we know it was too much.

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN – I wrote a whole post about how motherfucking awful this movie was from start to finish. It’s fucking awful. And it’s fucking REMAKE of Spider-Man and not a REBOOT. It’s absolutely the worst REMAKE of Spider-Man one could imagine. I hate this movie. I will not see its sequel.

THE SPIRIT – I didn’t see it. It’s one of the worst reviewed movies of all time. It’s funny to think that when they hired like 8 different gorgeous actresses that they must’ve thought that would be enough to make a good movie instead of going out and making a good movie. Just hire some chicks! Dudes like chicks. So dudes will like this. Right? Ugh.

STEEL – I’ve seen it. It’s bad. Not really Shaq’s fault per say. What was the budget of this movie, $12? Shaq legitimately looks like he’s wearing cardboard spray painted silver.

SUPERGIRL – I never saw this. It doesn’t look good. It’s not supposed to be good. Next!

SUPERMAN – For a movie from 1978 that is an origin story about Superman… it’s good. I guess. I don’t know. The end is pretty terrible and all the shit about him growing is like half of the movie. It’s good for what it was, but it’s not a great movie. It was a movie that really helped set up a franchise seemingly. In the end, Superman flies around the world to spin the world backwards to turn back time to save Lois from her idiocy and idiotic death because Lois Lane is fucking HELPLESS. It’s such a ridiculous act him spinning the Earth backwards that it makes you wonder why he doesn’t do it all the time or use that for his out on everything because it’s so fucking over the top absurd. I don’t know. I hate that ending and I don’t like Lois Lane and the shit with the kid is whatever. Superman’s villain is a fucking overflowing river that is clearly a cup of water being poured over miniatures.

SUPERMAN II – One of the cheesiest movies ever. It’s like it’s fucking the movie “Airplane!” but it’s Superman. I like that Superman has villains to fight in this one, but the movie is absolutely stupid and absurd and Lois Lane is the fucking worst in this movie. The movie is really quite terrible. It begins with terrorists taking over the Eiffel Tower with a neutron bomb and Lois somehow sneaks onto the elevator on the Eiffel Tower and oh my God it is stupid. Then there’s the shit with them at Niagra Falls that is fucking tough to watch. Terrence Stamp as Zod is pretty great, but they look like a 80’s dance troop than an evil crew of killers. Plus all the scenes are the cheesiest and goofiest because the director who took over for Donner was a big cheesy goof ball. AND THE END OF THE MOVIE IS THE BIGGEST CLUSTER FUCK EVER! Superman more or less becomes a David Copperfield-esque magician by throwing his emblem saran wrap thing, making multiples of himself, and “tricking” the bad guys into defeating themselves. It’s the dumbest.

SUPERMAN III – Fucking awful. Makes NO SENSE. Superman is a rapist in the movie. And, well… isn’t that enough. It’s bad, it makes no sense, and Superman is rape-y. The villain is a guy who wants to control the Colombian coffee supply and … Richard Pryor who is one with computers in a way that Neo from The Matrix could only understand. It is bad.

SUPERMAN IV – Bad, but… I like the idea of the movie. Or the premise. I like that Lex Luthor makes his own Superman and sicks him on Superman. I like that. But it’s a fucking stupid movie. The final battle scene between the two Supermen is a good idea and flat out the best part of it is when the bad guy grows his nails out and scratches Superman’s arm. Legit, that happens. Grows his nails, scratches Superman until he draws blood. Fucking unreal.

SUPERMAN RETURNS – Stupid. This movie is legitimately a REMAKE of the first Superman with the premise that the first Superman movie already happened. What? Yep. Why? Who the fuck knows. Why REMAKE a movie with an almost identical storyline if you’re also going to set it in the world immediately following that other movie? IT MAKES NO SENSE. Stupid movie and Kal Penn doesn’t say a single word in the movie and I want to punch Bryan Singer for making this movie and me stupidly choosing to sit through it.

MAN OF STEEL – In essence, it’s a REMAKE of Superman and Superman II without the goofiness and replaced with lots of buildings being destroyed and lots of hand-to-hand combat. I really liked this movie. I thought Zack Snyder retold the origin story in a fairly concise way while making this Superman a fucking badass and making the villains truly badass as well. The CGI work is fucking unbelievable. It’s some of the best superhero fight sequences I think in any movie ever. There is plenty of stupidity in this movie, but not enough to derail the super train this movie is. I especially liked Zod’s right hand woman who was supremely badass in all of her action scenes. Great action movie while at the same time charting over very well worn territory. Can’t wait for the sequel.

SURROGATES – Bad. Bruce Willis makes way more bad movies than good movies. WAY MORE.

SWAMP THING – It’s fun to laugh at. I’ll say that. It’s obviously absurd and it’s worth a watch because these people tried to make a legitimate Swamp Thing movie. God bless ’em. Not a “good” movie, but as far as movies like “The Blob” or whatever B-movies – it’s not bad.

THE RETURN OF SWAMP THING – I don’t really remember this movie minus Heather Locklear looking hot. I’m guessing it is on par with the original in that it can be fun to watch and laugh at because there is no way you can take this movie seriously or should you.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT… – Whatever. I don’t think I saw these movies and I bet they sucked.

TANK GIRL – TERRIBLE MOVIE. Absolutely terrible. I don’t know what the comic is about or if it is any good, but the movie is unwatchable. But… I think they should reboot this with female MMA fighter Bec Hyatt. She’s Australian, she’s got punky hair, she’s got tattoos, and she is actually tough, so put her in a tank and start filming.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES – Amazing. This movie is amazing. I love the final action scene. I love the other action scenes. I love that they’re in huge rubber suits. I love Casey Jones. I love April O’Neil. I love that the Foot Clan are people and not robots. I also wish I was a member of the Foot Clan because you get all the free pizza, cigarettes, soda, arcade games, skateboarding you want… and you’re taught martial arts. Pretty fucking cool. You also might be beaten to death by the Shredder if you get cocky. Great movie. I just wish someone could re-record all of Corey Feldman’s voice work because I hate him and his voice.

TMNT II: SECRET OF THE OOZE – Awful. If you think I’m lying, rewatch a scene of that movie. It’s fucking annoyingly bad. It’s terrible.

TMNT III – Awful.

THOR – Stupid. I wrote a whole post about this as well. This movie was an insult. An insult to humanity.

TIMECOP – Didn’t know this was a comic book. Not one of JCVD’s best. It’s really only watchable if you can get to the one scene where JCVD is in his underwear in the kitchen and he does the jump split onto the countertop and the guy with the tazer shoots the tazer into the spilled pool of water and electrocutes himself to death while JCVD is just hanging out in a split on the countertop. That’s easily the best part of the movie. Also, the only part anyone remembers.

V FOR VENDETTA – Fucking great movie. I’ve watched this movie a dozen times and I always tear up a little when Stephen Rea asks Natalie Portman at the end who was he and she responds with a whole list of people. I’m a sap or a weird-o. Either way, fucking great movie. Can’t over emphasize how much I like this movie.

VAMPIRELLA – Didn’t see it. I can only imagine it is dreadful.

WANTED – I don’t know what to say about this movie minus it being bad. It has absolutely nothing to do with the comic book at all. This movie is about a league of assassins who are given their orders by a “loom of fate”, which is as it sounds a giant LOOM with threads that have people’s names of them that they have to kill. And they kill these people with these certain guns and they’re taught how to curve bullets that are fired from those guns with their mind. They also use these paraffin baths to cure themselves of wounds… ok, I’m going to stop there. Everything I mentioned from the loom to the league of assassins to the guns that curve bullets to the baths – none of that is from the comic book. None. 100% none. The comic book has nothing to do with the movie besides sharing a title and that the main character is an average guy who meets a woman who tells him he is more than what he knows and then is thrust into a world that he’s never known about previously and it has something to do with his dad. BUT… there is no loom of fate or curving bullets or any of that. The movie sucks. The comic book is marginally entertaining.

WATCHMEN – I really liked this movie. Even more so, I never thought a movie of this comic book could ever be made to my liking and they made one that I liked, so I liked it that much more. It’s one of my favorite pieces of literature in general this comic book, and the movie does a great job adapting it to be a movie and to be a movie that is watchable. The comic book is literature more than action, but the movie is more action than literature and it was an impressive feat by Zack Snyder to do that. I think Matthew Goode could have been recast but all in all I really enjoyed this movie especially because it was a good movie for a seemingly unadaptable comic.

WEIRD SCIENCE – Never read the comic book, but the movie was a favorite of mine growing up. Haven’t seen it in years. Can only imagine it is just as good as I remember it from my youth.

X-MEN – More bad than good. I like Ian McKellan … Sir Ian McKellan… but Magneto is a fucking beast and not an elderly quaint man. Also, Magneto isn’t British. Why on Earth does a Polish Jew who survived the Holocaust turn into a English Magneto? No idea. The storyline is meh. Hugh Jackman is cool as Wolverine, but not the Wolverine I would’ve pictured. Professor X is spot on. The rest of the characters suck. Cyclops is the worst and continues to be in these movies meanwhile he’s a fucking badass in the source materials. Cyclops is like Captain America but with optic beams. The movies made him a big pussy. Cyclops is a big pussy in these movies.

X2 – The opening with Nightcrawler was decent. The rest of it is like the first X-Men movie. A bunch of characters that they’ve fucked up like Rogue and some stuff from Wolverine and some crying from Cyclops. The end fight scene between Wolverine and Ms. Wolverine was ok. Not good enough for me to have actually liked this movie. It also gets much much worse when re-watched.

X-MEN: LAST STAND – Bad. I don’t think anyone is arguing with me on that. Minus the “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch” – the movie should be set on fire and forgotten by time.

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS – I liked the movie up until they were the X-Men. The X-Men stuff was kind of terrible. I liked all the beginning stuff and character building stuff with Magneto. I think Fassbender did a great job per usual being a psychopath. McAvoy was decent. The X-Men stuff was stupid. The end was meh. It definitely could have been a lot better.

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE – Preposterously bad. Beyond comprehension bad. The people who made this movie actively hated making this movie and it shows.

I haven’t seen THE WOLVERINE but by all accounts it is much better than a movie (Origins) that is one of the worst ever made, so it really had a high bar for itself. Also, the movie apparently falls apart with about a half hour left in it.

Those are the comic book movies. I’m sure you’re glad I’m done with this.

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