Well then… EH-LOW… you fucking fuckable sons and daughters of bitches!

It’s Thursday, which means we’ve almost survived another week on this spinning rock known to us as Claptwozakistan.

Wait, what? You fucking fuckable sons and daughters of bitches don’t call it Claptwozakistan? Weird. I guess you call it “Earth” like a bunch of morons, but beautiful and sexy and dumps like a truck driven by AnnaSophia Rubb…

Look at the glorious butt on that one!

Jeez, Louise… who is this Louise woman that I’m looking at butt pictures of AnnaSophia Robb with? How did Louise get in this house?!

So, AnnaSophia Robb is more like AnnaNickiMinaja Robb, AM I RIGHT?!

This is a photo from AnnaSophia Robb’s (tough for me to not write out the whole name) show “The Carrie Diaries”, which is the prequel to “Sex and the City”… which I always want to write “Sex in the City”.

Are you telling me that that butt grows up to be Sarah Jessica Parker?

Or… are you telling me that that girl grows up to be SJP and the butt departs at some point? That’s a harrowing horror story if I’ve ever heard of one.

And… since I saw “The Way Way Back”… are you telling me that that butt wants to sleep and/or be friends with the main kid who is clearly suffering from a debilitating form of Aspergers and being a complete pussy?

Either way… one more shot of the butt and then onto the movies….

Good gracious!

I’m not sure about AnnaSophia Robb herself… but…

AnnaSophia Robb’s butt wants IT.

Let’s be honest here, am I the only one that almost can hear an angel singing when you look at that butt? I think I hear something. It could be the wanting IT vibrations humming off that butt. I don’t know. I’m a scientist, but this goes slightly beyond my expertise… no wait, it doesn’t. Yes, that butt and the angels are making noise – praise the Lord, glory to all Allah and so forth for that butt.

Well done to everyone involved in the creation of that masterpiece.

DUMP MONTH MOVIE PREVIEWS!!!!!!!

If you were unaware, September is affectionately known as “dump month” in the movie industry. It’s where Hollywood releases movies that they feel they should release, but they’re not good enough to release during any peak months, so they all collectively drop them off in September. With that being said, that’s kind of an old adage of Hollywood and in reality bad movies come out all 12 months of the year and this month is really just another bad movie month. It’s more appropriate at this point to name the months that Hollywood puts movies out that they have faith in. Like December where they expect a lot of those movies to contend for Oscars. And at the same time, I can think of movies like “Drive” and “50/50” that came out in September of the same year and were two of the best movies by far that came out that year, so it ain’t science or art or anything.

Whatever… let’s check out the dumps!

A TEACHER – It’s the harrowing story of a hot blonde chick teacher, Diana, just banging the hell out of the luckiest boy in the world, Eric. It’s supposed to be a drama and I guess like a “Law & Order” story it’s ripped from the headlines because this has been happening a lot. Not in my life. I never got to sleep with any of my hot teachers. But you win some and you lose some. This is supposed to be a drama, but I’m sure it’s not that dramatic if you take a second to think about it. It’s like, hey Diana stop fucking that high school kid. And it’s like, hey Eric this is the best your life might get, so hold onto it by the horns.

ADORE – This is the Robin Wright and Naomi Watts MILF movie. MILF MOVIE!!!! They’re best friends and they end up fucking each other’s son and shit gets weird between them. Honestly, I hadn’t seen the trailer of this until recently and I was blown away by it being set in Australia with their rich and luxurious and sonorous Australian accents. I was not expecting that at all and it was hard to reconcile. The movie is also quite dramatically cheesy … and they have Australian accents. So picture an Australian soap opera… about hot moms fucking the other’s son. That’s what it is about. I don’t know how good this movie will be as a serious watch, but I was absolutely loving the trailer for comic possibilities. I would love to watch this movie in a soldout theater in Philadelphia and let the amazing one-liners roll in from their wonderfully comedicly timed black people residents.

They fucking hit the nail on the head with the two women they should have cast as both hot fucking MILFS and at the same time look enough like each other where it feels like incest. Robin Wright has always been a good looking woman, but nowadays she’s fucking killing it. And Naomi Watts is a vision and a dream and she has lovely breasts with squarish nipples which Sean Penn graphically sucks on in the movie “21 Grams”.

HELL BABY – Actually very funny comedians making horror comedies is a brilliant idea. Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant from “Reno 911” wrote and directed this with a great cast of comedic actors with Ken Marino as the lead I believe. This is a wonderful idea.

POPULAIRE – I feel like I’ve written about this before… It’s a French rom-com set during the days of the typewriter or something. Either way, it has Romain Duris in it as the male lead and I’m a big big big fan of Mr. Duris. He is/was the lead in one of my favorite movies of all-time “The Beat That My Heart Skipped”. Duris is a solid actor and this probably has its moments. So, whatever… see it. Go see “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” and after that if you love Duris as much or similarly as I do then go watch his slate of French rom coms.

RIDDICK – Did anyone want to see the movie “Pitch Black” remade by Vin Diesel, but done horribly? Well, here you go. It’s arguably the exact same plot as “Pitch Black” with Vin playing Riddick again and this time the movie will be horrible and a flop as opposed to “Pitch Black” which was a surprisingly good sci-fi/horror movie that people imagined could have sequels that would be worthwhile and sadly has had two other movies in the franchise and one was awful and the other is this movie which looks worse than awful.

SALINGER – A documentary about J.D. Salinger with some incredibly famous writers, directors, actors… let’s just some incredibly famous artists and it’s probably great. Probably will catch this on Netflix at some point. Netflix is excellent with documentaries. There are actually a ton of documentaries coming out in September, so… look ’em up or whatever.

TOUCHY FEELY – I definitely wrote about this one too. I think I wrote about movies that showed in the last Sundance film festival and this and Populaire were from that. So… it’s an indie comedy about a family that is all sorts of quirky and Ellen Page is in it. It’s probably cute, it’s probably got a tenuous storyline, it probably ends abruptly, it’s probably got some good music in it, and overall you’ll kind of forget that you’ve seen it until someone mentions it or unless you really think about what movies you’ve seen and then you’ll be like “ahhh, yeah I saw this movie… it was cute”. That’s what indie movies are most of the time.

WINNIE MANDELA – Spoiler alert! They get a divorce. Am I right?! They do get a divorce, but they probably stop the movie much earlier than that. It’s Jennifer Hudson playing Nelson Mandela’s wife Winnie and telling her side of marriage, struggle, and life with one of the most famous men of the 20th century.

AND WHILE WE WERE HERE – Kate Bosworth… still acting. Good for her. I don’t know anything about this movie and nor will you.

THE FAMILY – I can really tell why this movie was put in “dump month”. You’ve probably seen commercials for it because I know I have. It’s Robert DeNiro and Michelle Pfeiffer seemingly teaching their kids how to be vicious mobsters like they are in this action comedy that no one in the right mind would ever spend 5 seconds watching. Seriously, this looks awful. Robert De Niro is a great actor and Robert De Niro has made a ton of shit films that no one should ever watch. This is one of those it appears. It’s also directed by Luc Besson who at one time was a very good/great director, but I’m guessing this one kind of slipped from his fingertips. If it’s a good movie then I’ll be shocked. It looks terrible.

INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2 – Horror movies, right? If you saw the first then you’ll probably see this one or at least that’s what they hope. It’s a horror movie. If you see them then you see it; if you don’t see them then you don’t. Whatever. Let’s move on.

JAYNE MANSFIELD’S CAR – Billy Bob Thornton, right? That’s a blast from the past. Well, he’s directing this movie with a well-known cast of actors like Kevin Bacon and Robert Duvall. I hope Robert Duvall never dies by the way. I also hope if Robert Duvall does die… IF… that he’s made like 15 films that just keep coming out year after year after his death and people keep asking if he’s alive or not. Like he’s the Tupac of old white man actors. Anyway… this movie is not about Jayne Mansfield or her car I think. I think it’s about a family and them all in-fighting. Jayne Mansfield on the other hand was a gorgeous blonde with big boobs who made children with a strongman and was eventually decapitated in a car wreck. So… yeah.

PLUSH – Catherine Hardwicke? Really? Why? STOP! It’s about a young hot chick fucking some dude and then that dude probably tries to kill her. Not seeing it. Neither are you. Unless you’re like 15. You might see it if you’re 15 and have an Amazon Prime account or something.

A SINGLE SHOT – This sounds like it could be promising. Sam Rockwell is a hunter who shoots at a deer, but hits and kills a young woman who had a pile of cash with her. He uses the money to help hire a lawyer in his own life for his divorce, but then he finds out that that money belonged to bad criminals. Anyway… sounds like a Coen Brothers movie along the lines of “A Simple Plan” or “Fargo” without the comedy. Could be good.

BATTLE OF THE YEAR 3D – Sawyer from “Lost” and Chris Brown from beating-up Rhianna will lead a bunch of young dancers into a global dance battle competition… NEED I SAY MORE?!

ENOUGH SAID – The last movie or anything that James Gandolfini made. It’s also just another fucking piece of work from Gandolfini made where he is the love interest for a woman who is grossly more attractive than Gandolfini ever was even while wearing a Ryan Gosling mask. So in this movie, Gandolfini is the love interest for Julia Louis Dreyfus which is fucking fucktastic ass shit crazy. A woman who has the Robin Wright disease of always being attractive and turning into a gorgeous MILFy woman as we all age together. On top of that… Catherine Keener is supposed to be Gandolfini’s EX. ARE WE LEAVING IN CRAZY TOWN OR WHAT?! Anyway, RIP Gandolfini. You were a talent and this movie might be decent if you can get past the ludicrousness that either of those women would have ever wanted his dirty fingers near their vagina.

PARKLAND – Women were touching their own vaginas when this trailer debuted a week or two ago because Zac Efron is in it. It’s a drama about the JFK assassination with Zac Efron in it and who cares? Right? Why would you see this movie unless you’re planning on adding the Zac Efron material to your spank bank? If that’s the case then see this movie. If not then it’s probably skippable. Also, it’s a first time director, which means who knows, but probably means this movie was a little overboard for a first time director. Whatever. See it, don’t see it. I’m not seeing it.

PRISONERS – This movie must be bad. Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhall in a dump month movie together. Wow. It must be really unwatchable. I just want to mention that Terrence Howard is in that movie and Terrence Howard was in 5 movies this year including this one and is possibly in 3 more that will get released this year. WHAT THE HELL, right? And none of them are the sequel to “Hustle & Flow”.

RUSH – This looks baaaaaaaad. Again, if you are seeing this movie because you frequently or sporadically masturbate about Chris Hemsworth then I guess you should see this movie. I mean you don’t have to see this movie. But you could. Outside of that, it’s incredibly skippable because this movie looks so bad it make hurt your brain physically to watch it.

THANKS FOR SHARING – I haven’t watched the trailer yet, but it’s a movie about getting over sex addiction and it’s main is Mark Ruffalo and there’s a scene where Gwyenth Paltrow does a strip tease. So, you know… go see this movie for that or possibly just rewatch “Shallow Hal” and watch a 12 years younger Gwyenth Paltrow do a strip tease. It’s supposed to be a comedy by the way. I’m sure it’s got some cutes, but whatever. See it don’t see it.

AS I LAY DYING – James Franco directed/starring adaptation of the uplifting William Faulker book about a family moving its dead mother’s body from one part of the 1930’s destroyed country to another. I’m sure this movie will be slow and possibly painstaking to watch and you’ll also be screaming at the TV – JUST WASH YOURSELF, YOU’RE COVERED IN DIRT!!!! But who knows, it could be good. It could also be terrible. I don’t know. I don’t see the future, yet.

BAGGAGE CLAIM – It’s not a Tyler Perry movie, but it certainly looks like one with Paula Patton in a romantic comedy about a gorgeous woman having an incredibly difficult time finding the right man, am I right… ugh. Hire ugly people to play this role at some point. Paula Patton is gorgeous as mentioned, so she’s not having trouble finding a man. If the movie was about her finding the “right” man meaning like a guy who is filthy rich and at the same time not a total douche bag who won’t treat her as a trophy wife then sure, but Paula Patton playing a stewardess who needs to go re-date her ex’s is ridiculous. She fucking Paula Patton. I bet she could walk into a Corvette show room and drive off the lot without anything more than a wink and a smile and all the blood would rush out of the car dealers’ heads and into their engorged genitals and they’d pass out and die and she’d have a new Corvette.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2 – It’s for people who saw blah blah blah 1.

DON JON – Honestly, the one clip I saw of Joseph Gordon Levitt bringing Scarlett Johansson home for dinner and his dad is played by Tony Danza and his dad won’t stop talking about how fucking hot Scarlett is is a good scene. It’s pretty hilarious. I’m not sure what the rest of this movie is going to be like. It seems like JGL has taken Michael Fassbender’s “Shame” and removed all the “Running Man” and incest and sadness and replaced it with a “Saturday Night Fever” and “Jersey Shore” Italian American New Yorker vibe. So, maybe. I don’t know. I’ve heard mixed reviews about it. Either way, I never thought in a million years when I watched “3rd Rock from the Sun” that I would ever be motherfucking so fucking motherfucking jealous of JGL, but here I am. This guy is beloved nowadays and is simply running through spectacular dream girl esque love interests in his movies and then comes out on the otherside as a likeable down to Earth guy who has credibility. How did he do that?! I want to hate him so much, but I can’t. If he filthily bangs Scarlett in this movie, I’ll watch it between my fingers like it’s a horror movie.

METALLICA THROUGH THE NEVER – Metallica’s music sodomizes other music. I’ve been a Metallica fan since an early age and I’ll admit they’ve had plenty of missteps, but they’ve put out some of my favorite music ever. “Master of Puppets” is still easily one of my favorite albums of all time and just cannot hate these guys no matter how toolish they seem. This movie? I got no idea what it’s about. It’s part concert footage, part narrative movie. It’s weird and odd, but I’ll watch it at some point. Got to.

THERESE – Did you ever say to yourself you wanted to watch Elisabeth Olsen fuck Oscar Isaac in like a romantic way? Then see this movie! That’s all it is about. It’s this French girl who is going to speak English and she has an affair with Oscar and they’ll probably have sex in a field of lilies or something. If that appeals to you. Oh, I totally see them kissing in the rain. Yeah, that happens. They’ll kiss in the rain. They’ll also kiss in that way where they’re so desperate to kiss each other where it’s not lip and tongue play – it’s just smashing of faces and snorts. That will happen. You’ll also for a minute be like isn’t Elisabeth Olsen like 12, but then you’ll be like no she’s legal because she shows her boobs quite a bit for an actress who just showed up yesterday. That’ll happen at some point.

So…

That’s September.

Thoughts?

Hello.

Yesterday, I watched the movie SPRING BREAKERS, which was pretty awful.

No, I was not awed or disgusted by the “hedonism” or the “destroying of idols” or what have you. I was disgusted at the lack of logic or connecting dialogue. I was awed at how people gave this good reviews for being a nonsensical mess unto itself.

Listen, I am a reasonable guy. I am a reasonable straight guy. I like looking at Ashley Benson in a bikini. I do. I really do. Also, I like looking at Ashley Benson in a bikini and a ski mask with a unicorn on it shooting a gun. I like that. I GET that. I understand the contrast. I understand the contrast not in just that she’s a beautiful girl in a bikini, but that it is an actress who was formerly a child star who now is an early 20’s star and how we’re now lusting after a former innocent child, former innocent child star, and all we want to do is watch her big boobs undulate in a bikini. I get all of that. I get the idea of showing young people going to “spring break” as the utopia of former innocence turned to sexual and/or deplorable perversion. I get that that has also been taught to the upcoming youth of today as an ideal. We want to go to spring break, we want to do drugs, we want to have sex, we want to desecrate ourselves physically and mentally because we’ve been taught by TV, movies, and music videos that this is what we should do. I get it, Harmony Korine. I fucking get it.

What I don’t get… is why the fuck the 4 girl main characters don’t recognize James Franco when he bails them out of prison when only a scene or two early they SAW HIM IN CONCERT AND WERE SINGING ALONG TO HIS SONG?!

If you want to watch this movie and only focus on the colors and the tits and ass then I think you are falling into the trap that Harmony is setting – knowingly or unknowingly. Generally speaking, I don’t want to give Harmony – the director/writer – that much credit for what I’m about to say because I just thought the movie was bad and he’s the one who made it … AND if his reasoning was to make a bad movie and pass it off as art to see if critics would give it a passing grade as art to only prove how whacked in the head people really are… THAT’S SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT.

That’s where I’m at with this movie…

Did Harmony Korine make a movie under the guise of being artistic in the way I described earlier… to only really point out how fucking stupid movie critics are that they would believe that and give him a good review for a movie that is essentially a terrible movie all about showing Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens acting slutty in bikinis?

That would be insane if that’s the point of the movie. It would also still be a bad movie with its only real redeeming moments being shots of Selena Gomez in a bikini. I guess one could get a chuckle imagining Harmony getting a chuckle that he convinced critics to say such glowing things about a movie that is all about showing how nice Vanessa Hudgens’ butt looks in a bikini.

And I’m one to believe that he didn’t make a bad movie to prove that critics could like a bad movie under the ruse that it is art.

I AM one to believe that he did make a movie that was supposed to be the art that the critics believe it is and in that he made a bad movie out of a 5 minute music video idea.

The “discussion” over what does “Spring Breakers” mean is pretty non-existent. I’ve seen people’s theories, but their theories are jamming a square peg into a round hole. The movie doesn’t follow any form of logic from scene to scene and it comes to a conclusion that is supposed to be “dream-like” while the movie’s voice over is literally saying “like in a dream” over and over and over again BECAUSE THIS MOVIE SUCKED AND IT’S SO IN YOUR FACE BAD THAT THERE’S A CHANCE THE GUY DID IT ON PURPOSE JUST TO SEE IF POSITIVE REVIEWS WOULD PROPAGATE SO HE COULD CHUCKLE AT WHAT IDIOTS EVERYONE IS.

What good director or storyteller needs to beat it into your head that the following is a dream-like sequence by literally having the the voice over say “like in a dream” and then proceed to have a sequence that is clearly a dream-like sequence with unlimited bullets out of our heroine’s guns and bad guys inability to fire back and getting away with it all like you’re playing a videogame on God mode? That’s fucking shoddy filmmaking.

Or what about Selena Gomez’s character who goes to church and has faith in God being named… YOU GUESSED IT… Faith. SERIOUSLY?! If that’s how it fucking played out in that “Mortal Instruments” movie, film critics would rake that movie over the coals. The only character with “faith” is Faith. UGH. Fucking let me barf for a second.

The movie is bad because it’s bad. Not because it is “shocking”. It’s fucking far from shocking.

Do you know what’s not shocking? Seeing Vanessa Hudgens in a bikini and a threeway sex scene in a movie. You know what possibly was shocking? The fact that you never see her naked and she’s clearly wearing pasties over her nips because pretty much anyone who actually does sit down and watch this movie HAS SEEN HER FUCKING FULL FRONT NAKED. The “shockingness” of this movie is that it’s not more shocking. The sex scene between Ashley Benson, James Franco, and Vanessa Hudgens could probably air on TNT no problem. Cable TV should have no problem showing them in the pool stacked like a wet Oreo with Franco as the cream and the two blondes as the cookie and them sealed to Franco, so there’s absolutely no technical nudity.

What else isn’t shocking about this movie? The violence. None of it is shocking. It’s not even graphic. The truly most violent scene in the movie is the robbery of the chicken restaurant in the first 1/3rd of the movie where the girls are smashing cups and tables and a cash register with a hammer while screaming fuckity fuck fuck fuck. The stuff with guns later in the movie when they’re supposed to be these gangster killers? Any episode of “Sons of Anarchy” is a billion times more violent.

What else?

How about Selena Gomez’s big R rated feature? Right?! She probably did so much crazy… let me spare you for a moment because Selena Gomez does nothing in this movie outside of cry and watch others do mildly crazy stuff. Selena’s character Faith is boring and filled to the brim with contradictions. Some could argue this is because Harmony intended it to be this way, while I’ll contest that it’s just sloppy writing to fill the time between shot of her in a bikini. I mean I imagine Harmony had to script some of this movie to get people to sign on for it. I’m sure he didn’t sell the movie to Selena as a movie about her in a bikini taking bong rips. I’m guessing he said the character had emotional depth and an inner turmoil and all that. That latter stuff is nonsense because her character is idiotic and, in my opinion, racist.

Is Selena Gomez’s character Faith simply racist? Selena wants to go to spring break – sometimes it seems uncertain why because her character is a walking contradiction from scene to scene from being a goody two shoes to enjoying cocaine, so I don’t know if that’s the point … whether it is or isn’t – why would you connect with this girl or her frustrations? But back to the racism, Selena is completely cool with drinking, smoking, drugging, and having strange white frat dudes grind on her and treat her like a piece of meat. BUT! When James Franco shows up looking gangster and having black friends who would like to drink, smoke, do drugs, and grind up on her then all of a sudden she’s scared and not having fun. Is that the point? Possibly. That also makes her racist. It’s ok if white frat boys try to quasi gang rape me, but not ok if black guys do it?

There’s Harmony’s wife, Rachel’s, character whose name is Cotty who may or may not have any dialogue in this movie outside of “you’re never getting this pussy”. She disappears for stretches of the film, which is funny because there are not many characters in this movie, so it’s tough to simply disappear. There’s a good stretch of the movie where she’s just asleep. Yep. When she does wake-up, it’s to get shot in the arm in an unbelievably short and stupid scene where a gun goes off and it appears to hit nothing and she just yells out I’ve been shot kind of. In the next scene, Franco removes the bullet from the wound – because his character knows how to do that and/or has the equipment to do that – and does so in some like abandoned building even though he has a big house filled with drugs/money/guns that he could take her too. He also doesn’t stitch her wound and instead just wraps it in an ace bandage because that’s how bullet holes in an arm works.

What about James Franco’s two twin buddies who do nothing in the movie except for be introduced? Where the hell do they disappear to when Franco needs them?

Pretty much any “plot” point in the movie is rife with confusion.

The bad guy who is introduced an hour into the movie is played by rapper Gucci Mane. When he is introduced, James Franco and him mention at least 6000x that they used to be friends and now they are not. WE FUCKING GET IT. The funny thing is – that doesn’t even matter in the movie. That doesn’t change anything that happens, but it’s the only thing they mention and it doesn’t help the movie at all. Literally, Franco could have said, “we need to kill that black guy just because I say so” and the movie would have been exactly the same and the characters wouldn’t have reacted any differently at all.

So, Gucci Mane doesn’t like James Franco anymore and vice versa for whatever completely useless reason. In that scene, Gucci tells Franco that Franco should stick to robbing spring breakers because that’s what white gangster do. Franco is like, “I’ll do what I want”. And the very next scene, Franco proceeds to rob spring breakers. The very next scene after that, Gucci tells his people that Franco has overstepped his bounds and now they have to kill him. WHAT?! By the way, when Gucci does run into Franco – he doesn’t kill him. He has his androgynous sidekick fire off his/her gun at Franco’s car, which hits Cotty in the arm and nothing else. The car, by the way, is a Camaro that the four are squeezed into. Whatever. It was stupid.

Are there any redeeming moments in the movie minus the girls in bikinis?

Well, if you wanted to see James Franco give a gun a blowjob then yes. The scene where Franco gives a blowjob to a gun was one of the best in the movie, honestly. It really did show for a minute how crazy his character was. Later, his character is crazy in a sense like he just commits suicide crazy and not like he’s such a hedonist crazy that the blowjob scene suggests. Franco’s speech moments before the blowjob about all of his “shit” is good. It’s really just one scene that Harmony chopped up to try and produce like 3 or 4 scenes out of because clearly there wasn’t a long shooting schedule for this movie. Most of the movie seems to be a few scenes that they chop up and go back to over and over again to fill out a barely 90 minute movie. I’m not even sure the movie is 90 minutes without credits.

I’m at over 2000 words at this point, so I’ll wrap it up…

The first 50 minutes of the movie are skippable as far as plot goes. The next 35 minutes of the movie with Franco as a key character really don’t need any of the first 50 minutes. In essence, I think the “movie” is the last 35 minutes when the girls meet James Franco. The first 50 minutes are struggling to put together a first act that has absolutely no point whatsoever on the rest of the movie. By the way, not that Selena Gomez is “bad” in the movie, but her character is worthless and when she exits is when Franco starts to takeover and with that her character could be completely chopped from the movie.

I think the movie is/was an excuse to film what it filmed for the sake of filming it because it’s “counter-culture”. Having Ashley Benson, Vanessa Hudgens, and Selena Gomez drinking Jim Beam in a parking lot while singing Britney Spears’ “Baby Hit Me One More Time” is amusing, but far from provocative and far from art with anything more than superficial meaning. The funny thing is that Britney Spears’ song “Baby Hit Me One More Time” in and of itself is more pervasive than this movie and this movie is just as shallow as Harmony seemingly believes the children who grew up listening to Britney Spears are.

If the point was to show these former Disney princesses in this unholy manner then any article about Lindsay Lohan over the past 4 years or Amanda Bynes over the past couple is way more mind-blowing than this movie.

If the point was to show the idiocy of movie critics buying something that isn’t artsy as artsy then thumbs up, but then it’s admittedly a bad movie.

Thanks for the memories of James Franco with cornrows blowing a gun and the near endless shots of those 4 chicks in their bikinis.

Hey, how are things?

Honestly, I wasn’t into this movie CAMP X-RAY that Kristen Stewart is doing. Notice the “was” part of the “wasn’t” from that sentence.

Arguably the main reason why I WASn’t into it WAS because of the whole entire storyline…

A soldier assigned to Guantanamo Bay befriends a man who has been imprisoned there for eight years.

That “soldier” is Kristen motherfucking Stewart. So, Kristen motherfucking Stewart is going to play a United States military soldier after spending 5 films playing a comatose love interest for a vampire. Fine. Whatever, right? Great choice to play a US military female person. Also, it’s a stupid fucking romance story where she “befriends” more like “befucks” some quasi-terrorist because we really need that as a movie.

Secondly, the director has never directed anything and is a graphic designer for whatever movie would have him and really you know good for that guy for getting his movie made with him promoting himself to director, but let’s be serious – the graphic designer for “Take Me Home Tonight” probably didn’t have to be too talented and we’ll be lucky as shit if he’s an average director at best. So, I’m not excited by any of the above two paragraphs.

What am I excited about… now?

Kristen Stewart is looking fly as Hell in this movie.

Am I right?

And when I say “fly” I mean literally “In Living Color” era flyness of oversized cargo camo pants rolled into socks and sneakers with a wife beater tied in a knot kind of b-boy style flyness.

We’re going to take a closer look at the flyness… but before we leave this distant picture possibly taken through cyclone style wire fencing…

Did they not hire a military consultant?

I thought that was something that all movies did or had to do or maybe they’re just pretending they did.

Kristen Stewart wants IT. Sure. Kriste Stewart is also rocking a Converse genie get-up below the knee. I’m guessing this is not U.S. Army appropriate.

I’m guessing the knotted wife beater isn’t either, but it’s tough to see from this far away. Let’s zoom in a bit…

As mentioned, the boobs – Kristen Stewart’s boobs – are looking pretty fantastic for Kristen Stewart.

I mean they would be a lowlight day for like Chesty McChesterton Christina Hendricks, but for the double A’s that could Kristen Stewart’s are like about as good as they’ve ever looked. I mean they are stretching some fabric right there, which I’m pretty impressed with.

You can clearly see that Kristen Stewart has adopted the A-typical Sexy Soldier look alla a college ROTC girl on Halloween. Showing off some waist line and back with the as mentioned knotted wife beater and incredibly low cut scooping neck line.

Kristen Stewart is wearing a bra of some sort and it’s working. It’s really giving Kristen Stewart some heft up top, which is normally not there.

It also appears Kristen Stewart is wearing a necklace of some sort that is draped between her supported and forward striving breasts, which means you’re totally staring at Kristen Stewart’s breasts if you’re talking to her at this point. It’s a very good alternative to looking into her wanting eyes, which could cause irreparable damage to all brain stem functions.

The hair is fucking rocking. Kristen Stewart’s hair wants IT and what it wants is freedom and a nice cool breeze running its fingers through it.

There’s a hair tie around Kristen Stewart’s wanting IT forearm, which was only moments earlier in that hair. I know hair, ladies. I’m no dummy. I’m sure it was pulled back into a pony tail just seconds earlier because they were shooting a scene where she needed to have her hair in a pony tail and/or she was going down on somebody. I mean those are the two options. I’m saying Kristen Stewart was going down on “somebody” and not “some dude” because I keep an open mind and allow my mind to often think liberally about Kristen Stewart going down on both men and women alike. Seriously, people, it’s 2013 – there are lesbians and it’s about time you just think about people having lesbian relations. And, I’m sure chicks with long hair do the hair tie thing before going down on other chicks instead of just dudes. I mean, they should. It gets messy down there regardless of who you’re going down on and you don’t want your hair in that. That’s a pro-tip. Chicks with hair ties… they’re prepared to go downtown.

Outside of the boobs, the knotted scoop beater, the genie pants, the fantasy of Kristen Stewart orally satisfying both genders… am I wrong or do Kristen Stewart’s arms look a little buffer? Generally speaking, I believe Kristen Stewart has needed and will need help opening any jar ever… but they looks a little bigger than usual. Maybe she can pop a Snapple cap now. That’d be a step up than what I usually think she can or cannot accomplish with her tiny-ness.

So, yeah, Kristen Stewart’s boobs are looking a little bigger, which is cool.

This movie? Oh yeah, that will be garbage. I’m sorry, but there is no way “Camp X-Ray” is going to be good. That’s a pretty bad premise and everything for a movie.

I’ve got some good ideas for movies for Kristen Stewart… easily my favorite is Kristen Stewart as Helen Keller and Anna Kendrick as Anne Sullivan and they’re emotional and, obviously, sexual relationship and how it unfolded over the years. OR an approximation of that set-up with Kristen Stewart an emotionally distressed young woman who comes out of her cocoon of mental anguish into a freeing butterfly happiness love of life state through the guidance and help of Anna Kendrick as well as the loving and passionate sponge baths the two provide for each other every other scene in the movie. That’s my favorite idea.

If I’m being honest, I’m pretty sure all my movie ideas involve Kristen Stewart beginning an open, graphic, and spiritually awakening lesbian affair. I’m just here to support the gays as well as women in film. Sue me.

Whaddup… I am dying inside.

Not because of the VMAs. Actually, especially not because of the VMAs because I didn’t watch a second of them. Actually actually, I haven’t even looked through these red carpet pictures I’m about to eviscerate and/or sound creep-o sex-o about. All I have seen from the VMAs thus far is this…

Honestly, that’s enough right there.

It’s Will Smith et al watching Miley Cyrus twerk in a nude set of underwear to Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” I believe. Their possibly sincere, possibly worked looks of shock, awe, and throw-up is really enough for me to know I should never watch the VMAs ever.

But lets analyze this pic for a second. When did Willow and Jaden start dressing normal? I mean is Jaden simply wearing a black t-shirt and not an Iron Man costume? What a boring ass kid Jaden has become. Actually, I don’t mind Jaden. I mean it’s your fault if you’re watching him act. And it is certainly not his fault the Karate Kid reboot was bad. I mean he didn’t make it good, but that movie had problems beyond problems that Jaden couldn’t have fixed. He also looks terrified in this picture. Willow looks like she emerged from Descartes’ cave of ignorance and is now seeing the Sun for the first time and the Sun in this case is the weirdly hick gangster wannabe Miley Cyrus shaking her butt in front of Robin Thicke’s genitals as if this was a good decision ever. Will looks like he’s saying in his head, “That ain’t right.” Like in any way you can define that “that ain’t right” he means it that way. And Jada may be looking at Miley, may also be looking at a mirror and seeing her odd leather flapper outfit with poof hair, may also have remembered the stove is on, may also have remembered she had sex with Marc Anthony… could be anything really.

Well… back to me dying.

I spent Thursday through Sunday in Cape Cod celebrating one of my best friend’s right to get married this November – otherwise known as a bachelor party. It was detrimental to my health both physically and mentally. I laughed to the point of exhaustion on multiple occasions this past weekend. I love those guys and I feel like my love for them just took off 10 years of my life. I need an enema for my brain right now.

I don’t even feel like going over all that happened or remembering all the booze intake, but know this – we yelled “FUCK HOUSE”, “FUCK TRUCK”, or “VIVA LA FUCK HOUSE” for about 3 days straight where ever we were including all over the city of Boston.

Let’s do this post instead, ok?

The VMAs are stupid.

Let’s look at some pictures…

RED CARPET- TEENS/TWEENS/QUEENS

This dress made it that much easier to imagining having sex with Selena Gomez.

This is what half her boobs look like in a lingerie top. I assume this is also like the Mormon equivalent or the steampunk equivalent of Lil’ Kim showing up the VMAs all those years ago with her boob out and nipple covered with a flower sticker. Remember that? How could one forget. How could one forget that Diana Ross just stuck her hand out for America and bounced Lil Kim’s exposed titty on her finger tips. What a great moment in pop culture history? I’m not saying I’ve accomplished much in my life, but I would like to think that at the end of my days the highlight of my life isn’t an old soul singer jostling my nude titty with her fingers on international television. Eh… who am I to judge? That was hilarious.

Selena’s a good looking lady. I do love/hate/laugh-at how websites are so proud of kid actresses growing up and dressing slutty – they’re claiming their adulthood… an adulthood of dressing like expensive prostitutes. Anyway… I blame “Pretty Woman”.

Yuck.

I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t found Miley Cyrus to be attractive in a select few of the billion pictures that have been taken of her. Actually, I can remember two right off the top of my brain where I thought she was attractive and thought she was going to change my opinion of her being kind of a drugged up yokel idiot, but thankfully she’s regressed. So, if you’re wondering about what the longterm effects of “molly” is then look no further. You become an uber lame ripoff of Pink.

What?

No one came to see Katy Perry’s left thigh. It’s a nice enough thigh, I suppose. But no one came to see it. We came to see your boobs, Katy. Do you not remember every other day of your fame? Your entire fame revolves around your boobs singing those pop songs, so let the boobs out. Maybe wear that dress upside down next time with the slit positioned just so in the middle so your boobs can receive a lot of daylight, fresh air, and leering stares from me and anyone else with a functioning set of pupils.

A thigh? Fucking go home, Katy.

Ugh.

Just go drown somewhere. At once.

This is the proverbial, “look what I can do!”

We get it, Taylor. You can be sexy like a woman. It’s as if they took one of those Toddlers & Tiaras brats and stretched them out until they were 5’10” and you have Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus have become seemingly the Christ and Anti-Christ of pop music and/or this red carpet. It’s as if they’re running a race from the same starting point, but when the whistle blew they took off in opposite directions.

I don’t know if Taylor Swift is still a virgin or not, but I imagine you have to look at her entire collection of 3000 puppy and kitty calenders before she even pops a nipple out.

I regret you.

I regret spending however many hours I spent watching you be an idiot.

Also, she looks weird. I met her in 2010 and she looked good. She also wasn’t on a 6 week bender in Seaside. She was sober and she looked 100x better than she looks in this picture.

Either way, just go away already. Go live a fucking normal life somewhere.

Remember the episode of Arrested Development when Tobias gets the hair transplant and his body doesn’t accept it and his body is dying but the hair is thriving… that’s what is going on here with Lady Gaga’s tits.

I do really like Lady Gaga a lot. I listened to “Monster” from beginning to end on the hellish drive back from Cape Cod yesterday and it is a fucking wonderful listening experience. So many good songs. Just a fun album. Seriously, her singing “Bad Ruh-mance!” is still incredible. Her last albums sucked so many evil, STD ridden dicks. “Applause” is a good track and hopefully this coming album is much better.

Is he even actually a thing?

I mean does he have a career. Like making music and such? I heard he was on broadway for a bit, but honestly I couldn’t care less. Dude, make a song. Stop dressing up like you’re one of the Volturi – those movies are fucking over. I mean casting and filming for Aaliyah’s “Queen of the Damned” ended 11 years ago. It’s over. Move on.

I don’t know if Ciara even records music anymore.

I don’t even remember what Ciara’s song was that was famous for a bit.

Ciara should be a personal trainer or swimsuit model.

Or a lawyer or whatever. I mean it’s America – go be somebody!

Absolutely no fucking clue.

I’m betting their British though. I’d bet money on them being British. Are they British?

If they’re British then I bet they love using the word “pudding” to describe anything but actual “pudding”.

By the way, what the first chick is wearing from left to right is exactly how every single one of these broads at the VMAs including/especially Katy Perry should be wearing. Booty shorts and a bra – what more do you need? If whoever that blonde is is still “famous” next year, what’s she going to not wear to top this year’s outfit?

God bless her pudding though.

Where ever we drown One Direction… shortly thereafter we need to get these dopes over there and in that water.

I’d say save Jared Leto for his acting, but honestly I’m ok with losing that as well for the greater good.

If it ain’t broke, right?

Seriously, just film her doing the “I’m a little tea cup” to complete the absolute pedophilia fantasy she’s the queen of. She’s also 20 by the way, but c’mon. You have to be honest with yourself. If you’re into her, it’s not like you’re imaging her as a dominatrix… no it’s somewhere between licking a giant lollipop and getting her underwear pulled down at the beach by a puppy like the Coppertone kid.

By the way, that Coppertone ad maybe the most pedophile thing ever.

I don’t know who this is… but everyone in attendance at the VMAs watched intently as she passed by to see if they could get a shot of her puss or not. Seriously, everyone did it. Don’t even pretend like the first thing you looked at wasn’t her crotch. From Will Smith to Lady Gaga’s back-up homo slave dancer stared at her crotch as she walked by. Maybe you can see it, maybe there’s a merkin.

2 Chainz.

Remember when rap music was about being tough and keeping it real? Yeah, me neither. It’s about dressing up like you’re a rich white woman’s set of curtains.

Fucking get the fuck out of here.

No idea.

I do know that each one of these ladies thinks the other four ladies are real cunts.

Hey, whoever you are… thanks for letting me see your boobs.

I was getting bored. That helped me out a bit. It’s like eating one of those Gatorade gummy sugar squares when you’re working out – just a little pick me up.

The picture says these skirts’ last names are “Nervo”.

I’ve listened to a couple of Nervo tracks and they were pretty good.

The one on the left looks like a feminine Kesha and the one of the right looks like someone jizzed in her hair. So all in all, they’re like in the top 5% of best looking people on this red carpet.

Hi.

Coco Jones, is it?

Cool. Cool.

Are you like an intern at MTV or are you like the niece of 2 Chainz? Like did you win a contest for like being the best fresh faced intern MTV’s ever had? Or are you in music and I’ve never heard your music? All are possibles, right?

Hi.

Coco Rocha, is it?

Yeah, we have a cap at how many people we can have named Coco come in here who are not actually famous. So, we already got that Coco Jones chick. So… yeah, could you leave?

Also, I think you’ve snorted so much cocaine you’ve turned your skin white.

Just a heads up. I’m not a doctor, but it’s just a guess you shouldn’t do as much cocaine as you are currently doing.

Hey, honey. I have something to tell you.

What is it, Robin?

Well, you know that song that I sing?

Are you talking about the one that sounds like you’re going to force sex on some young lady?

Yep.

Ok?

Well, I’m going to perform it at the VMAs.

Great.

And, while I’m performing it, Miley Cyrus is going to strip down to her underwear and then pantomime having standing-doggstyle sex with my penis.

Sounds great, married husband of mine.

Snooki?

Whatever Lil Kim did to herself should be illegal. They should have arrested her soon as they saw her.

Hey Taylor and Selena… did you see Lil’ Kim?

Hey, Jaden and Willow… did you see Lil’ Kim?

It looks like Lil’ Kim’s face merged with a near death Zsa Zsa Gabor’s face and then smelled a hearty fart.

Next…

Father.

This guy just procreated.

Yeah, but did you get that at the Thrift Shop? Right. Because of the song.

Whatever.

I love that part in Macklemore’s gay pride song “Same Love” where he specifically points out in the song only a minute in how much he loves pussy. You know? Isn’t that exactly what that song needed?

Hey, Ryan Lewis, it’s me, Macklemore.

Oh hey, what’s up?

I’m going to need a dope beat again because I’m penning a new song.

Oh, cool. What’s it about?

It’s about gay people and how their love is the same as a straight person’s love and they should have the right to get married.

Oh, that’s great. But… do you mention in the song that there’s no way that you’re gay because your dick is just all about that stank pussy?

You bet! I put it in like the first two lines.

Good! Because if there’s anything that a song about gays needs it’s a reminder of how much you like getting stank pussy rubbed on your johnson. It’s a must in a song like that.

I know. This isn’t my first rodeo. I know that if you’re going to show support for gay people that you must also make sure you tell people that you are not gay first and how much you can’t be gay because you just love nasty amounts of pussy on your clearly heterosexual penis.

Yeah. Werd. This was a good phone call.

– the end –

WHADDUP!

First things first, I wasn’t expecting to see James Harrison’s butt.

I bet James Harrison’s butt alone could get 2 sacks this year, am I right?

Seriously though, I was not expecting to see former Pittsburgh Steelers’ linebacker James Harrison’s incredibly muscular ass with or without acupuncture needles sticking into it.

Last night, the terrifying enigma that is James Harrison did allow the HBO Hard Knocks cameras to witness his awe-inspiring session, which he has at least twice a week. Remember in the first “Matrix” movie where Neo looks like slimy James Woods and they need to put him into that incubation chamber and they fill him up with acupuncture needles and electrically stimulate his muscles because he’s never used them before? Well, that’s what Harrison’s ass and rest of his body looked like.

Looking back at my Hard Knocks preview, I didn’t even mention James Harrison because I forgot that James Harrison got picked up by the Bengals. Or maybe as a Steelers fan, I just blocked that out of my memory. I don’t know. Either way, James Harrison has been prominently featured on the show whether he likes it (which he doesn’t) or not. Last night, he was so prominently featured that we saw his fucking ASS. Like slow, panning, hero shots of his ass. I would have done the same thing if I was directing the show too. He’s quite a specimen.

Anyway, about the acupuncture, the acupuncturist said that the first time she did James Harrison’s needles he asked who got the most needles and her response was Curtis Martin. Former running back for the New York Jets Curtis Martin is honestly not a surprising answer if you remember how tough that motherfucker was and how many needles one would need to fix the punishment that man did to his body. I bet you could saw Curtis Martin’s leg off and the dude wouldn’t even give you the satisfaction of a single tear. He’d just stare a blank hole through you. Anyway… the number of needles was just shy of 240 and James Harrison asked for that. Then the next time, James Harrison wanted to do more… he wanted 300 needles. Ever since, he’s gotten 300 needles and she said he’s the only guy who has ever asked for it twice.

If you tried to saw James Harrison’s leg off, I’m sure the saw blade would break and he’d rip your restraints in half and then bite out your throat… anywhoozle.

I was wrong about Harrison and Hard Knocks because I forgot he was on it. I was also wrong that Michael Johnson would get a lot of screen time. He’s had 10 seconds more screen time on Hard Knocks than I have. I’m honestly very surprised by this. There are still two more episodes left, but so far he’s gotten very little attention.

I was right about Andy Dalton, Dalton’s wife, Dalton’s bromance with AJ Green, and the like.

I was right about Geno Atkins at least for the first episode.

I was right about Jermaine Gresham at least for the first episode.

Haven’t seen much Leon Hall, but seen some tidbits of Terrence Newman seemingly talking to himself.

Haven’t seen a second of Mike Nugent.

Last night was the first episode where they showed “The Law firm” BenJarvus Green-Ellis and it was in slow-mo, but it was a slow-mo of him thanking the owner of the Bengals with a slight pat of his knee.

I was right about the coaches. They’ve spent a lot of attention on Mike Zimmer and Jay Gruden and more or less arguing that these guys should be head coaches somewhere else. Marvin Lewis has been fine. He’s a mix of good and bad. But they’re laying it on real thick about Zimmer and Gruden. I agree that both should get head coaching jobs, so I’m ok with the hyperbole about them. There’s been a big focus on Hue Jackson as well, which I forgot he was on the Bengals as their RBs coach. Whatever. He used to coach there then he left, now he’s back. Great.

Lastly… the ladies.

I’m a bit surprised there hasn’t been more, but last night there was a good showing of the ladies in the lives of the Bengals. We got to see Andy Dalton’s wife, Jordan, for the second time. The first episode started off with Jordan Dalton leading Andy through a pilates workout because Jordan is a pilates instructor nowadays… also a blonde because Andy Dalton knows what’s up with QBs and them having blonde wives. We saw rookie DE Margus Hunt’s southern accent having lady in an earlier episode as well. Last night, we got to meet Taylor Mays’ blonde lady and we got to meet Giovani Bernard’s brunette beauty who is the one lending him the keys to the gold minivan he’s been driving around. I also think we’ve seen O-lineman Andrew Whitworth’s wife for a second. Either way, last night we got at least two solid scenes about the women.

The Bengals do have cheerleaders; I’m sure we’ll see them at some point. Or maybe not. One of them did get arrested last year for having sex with a minor at a high school she worked at where her mom was principal and her mom tried to mess with some computer files or something and probably cost herself her job trying to cover-up her daughter’s craziness. So… yeah.

In 2009, there was a big focus on the Bengals and their fullbacks and in 2013 there’s a lot of focus on them too. Why? Who knows. I mean my guess is it’s a guaranteed cryptic one that HBO chooses positions that the team knowingly will cut several players from and then gets you invested in them for that drama. The Bengals have like 4 guys they’re trying out at FB and they’re only keeping 2 at most. A similar story at linebacker. They have more linebackers than they can carry and we’ll be saying goodbye – like we did last night to Maybin who we had just learned is a rather nice painter – to them.

As for what I’m hoping for from the next two episodes… more players wives and girlfriends obvi. Give some fucking screen time to Michael Johnson. Preferably a quiet moment where James Harrison admits the Steelers will forever and ever and always have his heart than the Bengals. Someone calling Andy Dalton out for having a terrible singing voice and for listening to Christian rock. C’mon!

NOW…

My lukewarm NFL predictions!

If I were really going to give a real set of predictions, I would actually look at each team’s schedule and so forth, but that’s a lot of effort for a blog that only 4 people read. So, I’m going to make a general guestimate and with that a little kind of blurb.

UGH. Ok. I’ll do a little more than that. I just want to earn my love from you, so I’ll do a little research. Ok? So, I’m going to take Las Vegas’ odds of over/under how many wins a team will get this season and I’ll throw my 2 cents in about that. Is that good enough for you to still heart me?!

AFC

EAST

BUFFALO BILLS – 6.5 … I want to say over, but I think it’s going to be 6 wins. I don’t have a lot of faith in that team. I think the presiding faith determinant is EJ Manuel’s health and CJ Spiller’s health and how shitty other teams turn out to be. By the by, I am looking at their schedule and I think they’ll be around 6 wins like Vegas says.

MIAMI DOLPHINS – 8 … I’d take the under. 8’s a lot of wins. I think they could do it, but they do not have an easy schedule this season and even with the Patriots’ problems they’ll still be good and so will a lot of these teams they’re facing. I think the Dolphins going 8-8 would be huge this season.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – 11 … Ugh. These odds are pretty amazing right now. I’d probably say the Patriots would get 11 wins. Man this is a tough. I think they’ve definitely handicapped themselves somewhat this season, but they’re still going to be good/real good. I might go over.

NEW YORK JETS – 6.5 … Under. Fuck the Jets. They suck. Mark Sanchez and Geno Smith on the field at the same time with two footballs couldn’t do shit for that team. They’re personnel has taken a step back and so will they. They sucked last year and the team will fall apart even worse this year. Everyone gets fired at the end of this year for the Jets.

NORTH

BALTIMORE RAVENS – 8.5 … I’d go under. They can probably pull the over too, but they gave up so much and the team changed so much and then they got hit by a lot of injuries. I think 8 wins will be tough this year for them. Who knows though. They still have a solid team even with all that they gave up. But 8 is a lot.

CINCINNATI BENGALS – 8.5 … I’d go over. I think the Bengals will be able to beat up on a lot of the teams they’re facing this year. It really comes down to the injuries with this team. If they lose AJ Green then their team would fall apart almost, but I think they’re pretty well suited for this season. I think they’re beatable, but I think they’ll have a solid season and then lose in the playoffs.

CLEVELAND BROWNS – 6 … That’s what I would have said as far as wins. Maybe I would pick the under. I don’t have faith in that coaching staff. I think the team has improved from other years, but are untrustworthy with this new coaching staff. Still a rebuilding year.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 9 … Like the Bengals, I think they’re a team that can easily go 8-8, 9-7 even when they’re not playing their best and I think a big factor with this team is injuries – like all teams I guess. The Steelers haven’t looked good in the preseason, but they’re not a team known for losing. Last year, they went 8-8 with all those injuries and so forth and that’s not that bad of a season. I think I would bet the over. There are some tough games on the schedule by teams that seem to play up/down to their opponents and teams usually play up to the Steelers. But I think they’re a well coached team with a solid group of players who make can make it happen.

Uhhhhh… ok… I need to speed this up.

SOUTH

HOUSTON TEXAS – 10.5 … Under. I think this will be a little bit of a let down year.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – 8.5 … Over. I think 9 or 10 wins is a possible. I think this could be a let down year and I’ll be wrong, but at the same time I don’t think this team will lose some of the games they did last year this year.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 5 … UNDER! They suck. They will be lucky to win 2 games this year. Worst team in the league.

TENNESSEE TITANS – 6.5 … Under. I don’t have much faith in the Titans making much of a turnaround this year.

WEST

DENVER BRONCOS – 11.5 … under. I say under because their D just got eviscerated. Peyton will be able to win some shootouts and so forth, but they won’t have Von Miller in the first 6 games of this year and he was the heart/soul/strength of this defense.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – 7.5 … under. I’m not sold on this team’s turnaround either. Alex Smith and Andy Reid don’t seem like the match-made-in-heaven that some people are pretending it is. Andy is pass-happy coach and Alex Smith was not a gunslinger. Not sure about this team.

OAKLAND RAIDERS – 5.5 … under. Tough schedule for the most part and they’re completely unproven. They’ve got a litany of who knows QBs. Their defense also took a hit with guys going to jail.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – 7.5 … under. I don’t have much faith in the Bolts either. They drafted Manti Teo. Seriously? You draft the Catfished idiot? Nah.

NFC

EAST

DALLAS COWBOYS – 8.5 … under. I think the Cowboys take another step back this year and end up firing Jerry Jones at the end of it.

NEW YORK GIANTS – 9 … I’m leaning towards the over. 9 is about what I want to say with the Giants. I think they could steal some from the new Eagles and some other teams that they’ve been giving up recently.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – 7.5 … I’d say over. I know I just said I think the Eagles could lose a pair to the Giants, but at the same time – who the fuck knows. I think the Eagles will be either surprising bad or surprisingly good. I’m being optimistic.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 8.5 … Over. If RGIII is healthy then over. Even if he’s not, over. I think this team is poised to win the division again. A possible 10-6 or better season is not that crazy. Honestly, last year, Rex Grossman almost led this team to a win over the Patriots. They’re a solid football team all across the board. They will be a threat with RGIII or without.

NORTH

CHICAGO BEARS – 8.5 … under. I’d say 8-8 is reasonable for that team. I feel like Chicago is due for major changes at the end of this season. I’d be surprised if Cutler isn’t on another team next year. That being said, I don’t think Cutler is the problem, but I think they’ll try to makeover the team because of the losing effort.

DETROIT LIONS – 8 … UNDER. Are you fucking kidding me? They should’ve fired everyone last year. No way they get 8 wins this year. Are they playing the Jags every week?

GREEN BAY PACKERS – 10.5 … Over. I think the Packers will get back to double digit wins this year and keep the train rolling into the playoffs. Odd year last year with that team. I think they’ll right some wrongs. A team with this great/proven of a QB can not stay down too long.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 7.5 … Over. I don’t have tons of faith in the Vikings, but I think they can make this happen. Well… maybe not. They’ve got a crazy rough schedule after their bye. Ok… so, I’m going to say UNDER now. Under.

SOUTH

ATLANTA FALCONS – 10 … Over. Sure. They’ll be good/great like last year, but still beatable every so often.

CAROLINA PANTHERS – 7 … Under. I would say 7 wins is a solid number of wins for them, and I’m not comfortable in saying 8 wins for them. So, under.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 9 … Over. I think the Saints are back.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – 7.5 … Under. I’d say 7 wins is about what I’m expecting from the Bucs. I don’t have faith in Josh Freeman anymore. If they had gotten a different QB, I might have said over, but I’m not sure Freeman has it in him.

WEST

ARIZONA CARDINALS – 5.5 … Over. The Cardinals should have won more games than they did last year and I think with Arians at the helm they’ll get 6 or more victories.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – 11 … Under. 10-6 sounds healthy to me. I think they’re a great team, but they’ve got a lot of traveling to do and will have a rough go of it with the Seahawks, Rams, and Cardinals this year.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – 10.5 … Under. I think they’ll have around 10 wins, so I can take 10.5’s under. I really like the Seahawks, but they won’t be “surprising” anyone like last year. Teams will be better prepared when the Seahawks leave their nest and go on the road.

ST. LOUIS RAMS – 7.5 … Over. I think the Rams are getting some wins this year. They will be .500 or above. They had some flashes last year and I think that will be more steady this year.

WHEW! I’m done.

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