A Review Almost 40 Years In The Making: LOGAN’S RUN Sucks!

August 2, 2013

Hello,

Happy Friday to all the prudes and sexually promiscuous alike!

LOGAN’S RUN? The sci-fi, action movie starring Michael York from 1976? Yes.

It sucks? Indeed it does.

LOGAN’S RUN sucks.

Isn’t this more or less incredibly old news? One would think so, but apparently it is not.

I will admit that I’ve never seen Logan’s Run until last night. It’s a famous movie if you’re familiar with 70’s films and, especially, 70’s films that were crazy. It amazing was nominated for a few Oscars – technical award Oscars, but was nominated nonetheless. It’s a famous enough movie that I had known about it, but I had thought it was pretty well-known for being bad.

But! It appears what was once bad, has turned at least appealing through the lens of nostalgia and that’s where we get all these remakes. Movies that were once the Summer blockbusters 40 years ago, all of a sudden need remakes because they deserve them? I never understood why everyone was trying to kill themselves over remaking a B-movie like PLANET OF THE APES, but they were. The new fixture of that 70’s sci-fi universe that needs to be remade for some unknown reason is Logan’s Run.

First, writer/director Bryan Singer (X-Men, Superman Returns, The Untouchables) mentioned he wanted to remake this movie. Then that dimwit Joseph Kosinski (Oblivion, Tron 2 Legacy) said he wanted it as well. Then Nicolas Refn (Drive, Only God Forgives) talked about wanting to remake this movie all last year. AND, most recently, Ken Levine who is the genius creator of the BIOSHOCK videogame franchise has stated he wants to remake this movie.

What the fuck is going on here?!

Have they seen this movie since first watching it in 1976? Because it’s fucking awful.

In the end, Ken Levine is apparently getting the go-ahead to script this movie that was based off of a book of the same title and he’s giddy about it. Why is this Steve Carell look-a-like/videogame genius, so happy about this? Who the fuck knows! Seriously, I watched this last night and the movie fucking sucks! Maybe they’ve got this movie confused with another movie where something happens, it makes sense, and it’s enjoyable… because none of that happens in Logan’s Run.

Generally speaking, the formula for the movie Logan’s Run goes something like this…

A. Something happens that is odd

B. That something is never explained

C. The unexplained odd something that happened has no consequence in the movie

Then repeat A-C as many times as one can in two hours.

That’s about it, but am I done? NOT BY A FUCKING LONG SHOT! I watched this terrible movie, so we’re going to talk about it… PLUS I took SCREENCAPS! So, buckle up for a rollercoaster ride of flare guns, sexy dresses, robots, Washington D.C., an old man, and unexplained everything. Sound like fun? Well, it’s not. Anyway…

So, let’s begin at an arbitrary spot in the movie… the beginning.

Our tale starts with a title card. A title card that does little more than explain that it is the future, they live in a bubble, and life ends at 30 “unless reborn” in the “fiery ritual of carrousel”. That makes complete sense, right? No questions from that, right?

Oh wait, are you wondering what carrousel is? Let me be straight with you, you’re SHIT OUT OF LUCK finding out what that is. We SEE carrousel, but it’s never explained what is happening, why it is happening, and even more so WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?! I’ll tell you more about in a minute, but I wanted to let you know that this title card about having to die when you’re 30 or “unless reborn” in carrousel – none of that is ever explained. It’s never explained why 30, it’s never explained why people must die, it’s never explained what “unless reborn” means or where they got that idea, and it’s never explained WHAT IN THE FUCK IS HAPPENING DURING CARROUSEL!

So… let’s introduce our completely unlikable hero – Logan.

The blonde in the back is Michael York and he’s Logan. The guy in the foreground holding a space age gun is his buddy Francis. What are these two men who would be more suited to be in a conditioner commercial doing? They’re tapping on a glass wall which has newborn babies on the otherside and they’re trying to wake them up.

Why?

Because they’re dicks. That’s about it. They’re two dicks.

Look! They succeeded in making one of the babies cry. Congrats, you dicks!

If you’re wondering why Francis has a gun and why the two of them are dressed alike, well, there I can explain that. Your main character and his buddy are the equivalent of a police officer which they call a sandman. Why a ‘sandman’? No idea. What does a sandman do besides hassling babies trying to sleep? They giddily kill runners.

What’s a ‘runner’? Well, that carrousel phenomena earlier is what appears to be a volunteer based public execution. Some people are afraid of that and decide to run. And that’s when Logan and Francis and a small army of other black getup guys with future pistols show up to straight-up murder you in anyway they feel like.

So, there are sandmen, how does one become a sandman? Never answered. Are there other jobs in the future besides sandmen? For the most part, that seems like the only thing going. We do meet a plastic surgeon later and hear of other plastic surgeons. At that plastic surgeon’s office, he has a secretary – a sexy secretary bow chicka wow wow. But besides being a plastic surgeon or having something to do with being a sandman, there is really no mention of jobs or activities of any sort… oh well, there’s fucking and going to the gym. Basically, the world is one giant mall that you walk around, go to the gym occasionally to do gymnastics or hot tub at, and you have sex with people who show up at your apartment through your TV… well… at least that’s what Michael York’s life appears to be outside of thrill killing runners and watching public forced suicide every night at carousel. Sounds good, right?

Carousel is this. What is this? No clue.

In a large amphitheater, about 30 people who are turning 30 get dressed in hockey masks and leotards around what looks like a mass of pre-chewed fruit punch Starbursts until a light shines above and the room starts spinning. In the worst or best Gravitron ride in the world, the people start floating towards the ceiling as a packed audience of your peers cheers “RE-NEW!”

What happens when they get close to the ceiling?

THEY EXPLODE TO THEIR DEATH LIKE A CHEAP FIREWORK.

Any explanation why? NOPE.

What does any of this mean? Beats me.

We’re about 6 minutes into the movie, is any of this explained later? No. Do they even attempt to- … let me cut you off right there – THEY EXPLAIN NOTHING.

During carousel, Logan gets an alert on his walkie-talkie/texting device/human-being locator/whatever the else it needs to be and him and Francis chase down a runner. Is it exciting? Nope. It’s about the sorriest excuse for a parkour running scene in a mall filled, which only teaches you that these guns that their carrying are wildly inaccurate and eventually the runner leaps to his own death for no apparent reason whatsoever. Neither Francis or Logan can land a shot on this guy and the guy decides to leap from the top floor of the mall to his death.

After a long day of killing, watching others kill themselves by flying then exploding, and hassling babies… it’s time for Logan to unwind…

And unwind he does.

In a floor length black robe with silver trim and a test tube of red liquid, it’s time for Logan to relax and enjoy the evening.

How does one do that or, at least, how does a sandman do that?

You pick up a controller of knobs and start fiddling with them and a closet in your apartment starts to pulsate weird colors until…

A white man dressed in a sexy Indian Brave Halloween costume appears in the flesh?

HAHAHAHAHAH – what the hell is going on in this movie?! FOUR DIRECTORS ARE FIGHTING OVER THE RIGHTS TO REMAKE THIS!

Logan gets one look at this guy and gives a wry smile and shake of his head like ‘gays, hilarious’ and then gets back to fiddling with the nobs… of the controller.

This time this teleportation device that is never explained how it works or why or whatever finally gets what Logan wants…

A lady.

Actually…

A lady who is practically naked.

She’s wearing this tissue paper sheer outfit over ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Just ass naked with a slit going completely down the side with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on underneath.

I’m not complaining AT ALL. Nor is Logan.

I’ll tell you one thing that the 23rd century doesn’t have… underwear. Specifically, no bras. They really don’t wear much clothes in general as you can tell, but bras are unheard of in this future. It’s actually quite incredible for this scene because technically, she is wearing clothes, but literally she looks more naked than if she was just straight up naked.

And who is this woman that was summoned – by choice? – to Logan’s room for the expressed purpose of vaginal intercourse?

She is GORGEOUS.

Errr… well… she is Jessica who is played by Jenny Agutter. And is 1976, she was fucking hot as fuck.

Jesus, she’s hot. And like classy hot even though she’s dressed like an Egyptian prostitute in the future, she’s like the classiest sluttiest hot chick ever.

Jessica is a big part of this movie from here on out. She’s Logan’s love interest, she’s Logan’s partner in crime when they eventually ‘run’. And, she’s the only reason I could see why people would have liked this movie or have fond memories of it. And what I mean by that is…

… they masturbated until they chafed the skin on their penis about Jenny Agutter as Jessica and that’s why they think they liked this movie.

That’s all I can imagine. Seriously. The rest of this movie is garbage. Jenny as Jessica? She’s hot. She is barely clothed in every scene in this movie and, yes – thank the Heavens -, she does get naked full-frontal later in the movie. I can definitely imagine that this left quite an impact on a generation of young men who saw this movie and maybe that’s why some of them all grown-up nowadays want to make it. I guess. Outside of sexual fantasies about Jessica, the rest of this movie sucks.

But I digress…

Jessica shows up and Logan tries to bang her on his couch, which is honestly the first time in this movie that I felt like I really connected with or understood the motivations of Logan.

Then the unexpected happens, Jessica refuses. Yep!

The remainder of this scene is kind of hilarious where Logan is flabbergasted about Jessica not wanting to have sex with him, but BUT BUT he respects her wishes to not have sex.

BOOM!

Right? Honestly, wasn’t expecting that. If there is a second reason to like this movie – the first being introduced to Jenny Agutter and now how much you want to have sex with Jenny Agutter – it is that in the future if a woman says ‘no’ then the man doesn’t forcibly put his penis inside of her. Yep. That must’ve been a pretty wild fucking idea in 1976 and, sadly like to the point that I’m ashamed to be apart of my own gender, is still a radical idea to this day. No rape. There’s no rape in this future! No rape even for women who are teleported, 3/4’s naked into a man’s apartment, a man with a gun and a badge’s apartment. Teleported through a device that is normally used for the teleportation of people who only want to have sex. That’s amazing.

This scene is the best scene in the movie. It introduces everyone to Jenny Agutter as classically beautiful spankbank material and it sends arguably the strongest anti-rape message I’ve ever seen in a movie ever.

Seriously, Logan’s like ‘let’s have sex’ in the same way someone would sing in a carefree way ‘let’s have ice cream’ and then Jessica responds ‘it’s a woman’s right to chose’ and Logan responds ‘yes’ like ‘uh, yeah, dummy’ and Jessica responds ‘I don’t want to’ and Logan’s like ‘Pffffttt… that sucks. If you change your mind, I’ll still want to have sex with you. Until that time, I’m going to find a different woman who does want to have sex with me.’

BOOM!

A few seconds later, Francis stumbles into the room with two women, Jessica leaves, Francis smashes a ball filled with purple gas, and then seemingly Francis, Logan, and those two women have a four way.

Anyway… I’m getting bogged down in the no-rape thing and the fact that Jessica is gorgeous…

Logan ends up talking to a computer at work, which tells him in an arduously long scene that he needs to find where all the runners go. They go to a place called ‘sanctuary’ and their symbol for sanctuary is an ‘ankh’, which Jessica was wearing around her neck before. As luck would have it, as he’s searching for Jessica, Jessica is searching for Logan because her friends – who we never learn anything about – want Logan dead. Jessica and Logan meet up with their own agendas.

Logan takes Jessica on a mission with him to some area that is deemed like the badlands of their world. Why does that exist? No idea. But it does. And it’s very unprofessional of Logan to take this woman who is barely clothed enough to get service at a McDonalds to these badlands filled with violence.

Violent people such as…

Like a 70’s version of Ruffio and the Lost Boys.

This scene is terrible and makes no sense as everything else, but it does show off some of the incredible special effects from 1976 that got this film nominated for an Oscar…

Michael York has the greatest tough guy/I’m scared of firing this doo-hickie face…

That BAM! turns into…

that road flare ‘explosion’ each and every time.

Logan does shoot someone in the movie, but he fires maybe 50 other shots in the movie that are distraction shots that are intended to seemingly make the target afraid and run instead of actually hitting them.

Stupid.

So, after these dirty street performers run away because of all the sparks that Logan is making, Logan and Jessica do find the runner and it’s a woman who looks like she lost her prescription of Xanax a week ago and Logan let’s her run away. He does this to show Jessica he truly wants to know where the runners go because he too is a runner now and he’s just like everyone else afraid of exploding in carousel. Either way, a second later, Francis shoots that woman at center mass.

If Logan can’t get Jessica to just tell him where Sanctuary is or get her to tell her friends to tell him then he’ll go to the next place he knows of that might have clues and that’s the plastic surgeon who possibly is giving people new faces to help with their runs, which does not help with their runs nor are we really led to believe that through anything in this movie as seems to be a superfluous part of the story about the vanity of these future characters that they get face changes all the time for the hell of it.

Do you recognize the blonde? It’s Farrah Fawcett…. Majors.

Yeah, this is when she was married to Lee Majors. Their marriage lasted 9 years, which is like 90 years for good looking celebrities.

This scene is pointless. What ends up happening is that Logan lays down to get his face changed by the robot with lasers and the doctor is told via a phone call – from who? – that he should kill Logan, so he programs the robot to start trying to shoot lasers to kill Logan. Logan tries to get off the machine, which leads to the doctor jumping into the machine with him where they wrestle and then the doctor ends up getting killed by the robots lasers. Ironic? Not really. Francis also shows up and chases Logan and Jessica off. And Farrah Fawcett-Majors takes a mean bump to the head from like debris or something.

But… for a second…

Look at that good looking woman. I mean even the doctor who spends all his days with Farrah Fawcett-Majors is checking her out.

She kind of has a Molly Parker meets Kate Beckinsale look to her. She’s like 23 or 24 when this movie was made. She looks older than that.

Look at that profile. Look at that slightly up-turned nose.

This is like the nose that Michael Jackson was searching for for all those years. Was the King of Pop a Logan’s Run fan? Probably was. What a weirdo, right?

Anyway…

Jessica and Logan do actually run and find themselves in a sewer, which leads to them finding an elevator, which they get on and ride up to…

This place.

It’s maybe the abominable snowman’s hideout or a restricted area at Disney World. Who knows. Yes, that’s a walrus made of snow seemingly. And yes, Logan and Jessica are naked and wrapped in furs that they just so happened to find in this room as soon as they got off the elevator. What does any of this mean? I don’t know.

Oh did I mention the fat C3P0 in this picture? I didn’t?!

So, a cross between C3P0 and Mrs. Buttersworth greets them and for a minute seems like a decent enough robot that has no explanation.

Let me first mention, that Logan and Jessica almost drown in the sewer and are soaking wet and they arrive at this ice palace and Logan suggests they strip naked so their clothes don’t freeze to them and wrap themselves in the furs. Thank God, Jessica thinks that is a great idea and you see Michael York without a shirt on and you see Jenny Agutter’s bare breasts and her brown triangle thatch of hair covering her British pussy. MOVIES!

Oh yeah and then a robot shows up. And, we find out the robot is either freezing people to death or they’re already dead and he freezes them for storage purpose or who knows what is happening. You see a hallway full of people frozen and you can see all these women’s boobs. You actually see a lot of boobs in this movie as far as quantity, but you only see them for brief seconds. There’s a scene I skipped over where Jessica and Logan try to lose Francis in what appears to be an orgy room. Yep. An LSD taking orgy room. No explanation needed on that one I suppose. It was 1976 after all when they were making this. I suppose there were a lot of acid induced orgy rooms all over, you were tripping over them.

So, the robot tries to kill them and instead Logan kills the robot and they run away…

They make it outside where the world seems completely fine.

They’ve never been outside and have never seen the Sun or fresh water and they have a grand time just kind of roughing it until they see a structure in the distance that they think could be sanctuary. It’s a stone pillar shooting straight-up in the distance that they walk towards and when they get there they find a whole city covered in ivy…

That pillar is the near obelisk known as the Washington Monument and here’s the Lincoln Memorial, which they walk in and see the huge Abraham Lincoln statue.

Their response to seeing Lincoln is that that is what ‘old’ looks like. Old? Dude! The statue of Lincoln is fucking huge!

Wouldn’t they be terrified that the people who used to exist back in the day were like 50 feet tall and fucking Gods? Old? That’s the only thought these idiots have?

Anyway… they then walk into Congress, which looks more like the room where the Declaration of Independence was signed, which is not in Washington D.C., but whatever… that’s not the point…

The point is they find this squirrelly old man…

This old man is named “old man” in the credits and he grew up outside the city with his parents and seemingly no one else and is currently living inside the hall of Congress with a butt load of cats.

And, for a second or two there…

Logan is going to kill him with a table leg.

Amazing, right?

I do like that somehow Jessica’s outfit has only gotten sexier and more fashionably couture as the movie has gone on during their trials and tribulations.

Do you see the cat back there? Well, Logan and Jessica have never seen cats before. They ask the old man what they are and he says ‘cats’ and then Logan says ‘cats?!’ and the old man responds ‘CATS!’ and FOUR PROMINENT WRITERS/DIRECTORS WANT TO REMAKE THIS MOVIE!

Logan kind of takes a liking to the old man and, honestly, so did I. At this point, the movie was so batshit bonkers and hadn’t made a single lick of sense at any point during the movie, so I was kind of loopy from that plus my Ambien was starting to kick in.

What’s so likable about the old man with all the cats? Well, he kind of is a cat.

Jessica walks towards him and asks him about ‘the cracks in his face and if they hurt’. She means wrinkles, but she’s an idiot who has never seen anyone older than 30 years old. The old man says they don’t hurt. Jessica asks if she can touch his wrinkles. The old man gives a shy little nod/shrug meaning sure. And then Jessica touches his face and HE GIGGLES BECAUSE IT TICKLES! LIKE HE IS A FUCKING CAT! IT’S MOTHERFUCKING ADORABLE!

About a minute later, Franics shows up. Yep. He’s still around. And he and Logan have a fight scene that is pretty epic for an episode of the original “Star Trek” TV series. In the fight scene, this happens…

Do you see that gray cat on the desk in the foreground?

Uhhhh… hey cat, you might want to get out of the way as the two men are wrestling awkwardly towards you?

UHHHHHHHH… hey cat, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY BECAUSE A BRITISH MAN IS ABOUT TO STEAMROLL YOU!

… you might want to look away…

We have impact.

Got ’em.

It appears that Michael York aka Logan aka maybe a stuntman dressed like Michael York may be somersaulting over this table and landing on top of the cat. I can’t confirm or deny this did or did not happen. He certainly hits the cat and causes the cat to fly off the table, but the camera doesn’t show where the guy lands or where the cat lands and if he lands on top of the cat.

Just thought you should know that this happens in this movie… this movie was not safe for cats.

This fight results in Logan beating Francis to death with an American Flag —- yep.

And, Logan and Jessica decide to go back to the city and destroy it.

Which they do.

They trek back to the city with the old man and get to the sewers. They tell the old man to wait for them as they’re going to go free everyone from the city and blow it up. He says ok. And he makes a little fire for himself out of sticks and just hangs out.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Logan get back into the city and shout like a bunch of crazy people that carousel is just a death trap then they’re arrested then somehow Logan gets his gun back while being questioned by the computer that apparently runs everything. He shoots the computer and some of the sandmen, which sets off a chain reaction of explosions that blows up the city, but at a slow enough pace that the citizens of the city can exit.

They all exit the same way and end up encountering the old man.

A woman approaches the old man.

She extends out her hand to touch his face…

He giggles/moves his head like a cat would if you lightly touched their face as if that tickled and…

END OF MOVIE.

That’s it.

THAT’S THE FUCKING ENDING OF LOGAN’S RUN.

The young people spill out of their exploding home, they find a disheveled old man, one woman touches his face, he appears to enjoy it, and HAPPILY EVER AFTER – THE FUCKING END!

That’s it. I guess I could say that Jessica and Logan watch this woman touch the man’s face and when he appears to enjoy it like when Jessica did it minutes earlier, Jessica and Logan laugh and hug and that’s the fucking movie.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

There you go. LOGAN’S RUN. Can’t wait until this piece of shit movie gets re-made for no reason whatsoever. Hollywood is filled with fucking idiots. Idiots who ok-ed the original and idiots who are fighting for a remake 40 years later.

I hope you have a great weekend. Go felate yourself to Jenny Agutter circa 1976.

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