I ATE A CORNDOG! And Other NJ State Fair Musings.

August 5, 2013

Well, hello there, readers!

I hope you had a glorious weekend of smashing your genitals into another person’s consensual genitals. That’s the life, right? Smashing genitals.

As the title suggests/flat-out exclaims, I ate a corndog this weekend. My first.

HOW THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU EATEN A CORNDOG BEFORE?!

That’s been the general reaction to me relaying this story to people.

ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! YOU HAVEN’T EATEN A MOTHERFUCKING CORNDOG BEFORE?! YOU FUCKING CRAZY FUCK! YOU FUCKING SICK FUCKING FUCK! YOU’VE NEVER EATEN A CORNDOG?! IF I FUCKING KNEW THAT, I WOULD’VE SHOVED A FUCKING CORNDOG DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT! YOU’RE GOING TO TAKE THAT CORNDOG DEEP, YOU SICK IDIOT FUCK! YOU SHOULD TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU NEVER ATE A CORNDOG BECAUSE WHEN YOU TELL PEOPLE THAT THEN THEY SHOVE CORNDOGS DOWN YOUR VIRGIN CORNDOG THROAT BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO EAT A FUCKING CORNDOG!!! AHHHAHHHHH!!!! I WANT TO WATCH YOU EAT CORNDOGS IN A SAILOR BOY COSTUME WHILE SITTING IN A KIDDY POOL OF JELLO WHILE YOU TELL ME WHAT A BAD BOY YOU’VE BEEN!!! AHAHAHHAHHHHH!

That’s been the not-so-general reaction, but that is the same under-lying feeling as the general reaction. And my response is…

I’VE FUCKING SEEN CORNDOGS BEFORE.

I JUST HAVEN’T EATEN ANY.

If you’re wondering why my big bold writing recently has been in color, usually this blue, it’s because WordPress now strangely defaults this font’s size choice as a blue font and I can’t care enough to change it to black each time. If it doesn’t appear as blue to you then you might be colorblind and/or it only appears blue in this preview writing window. I don’t know.

Back on topic, the corndog was good.

I’ve seen corndogs millions of times before, but was never in a situation where one was physically forced on me nor did I ever specifically ask for one and then receive it. I wasn’t even sure I was going to get a corndog at this fair. I went to get some food at one of the vendors and ordered chicken fingers and the chicken finger order wasn’t big, so I was put in the situation of either ordering two small orders of chicken fingers or supplementing my chicken finger order with a corndog and I chose the latter.

I’ve eaten one corndog. It was the best corndog I’ve ever eaten.

I can only assume by the feverish reaction to me eating my first corndog that once you get the taste for them then you’re never satiated for them and grow increasingly crazier until you find yourself knocking over convenience stores for their corndog supply. So, I have that to look forward to.

As for the rest of the fair, I did get some funnel cake and I tried a deep fried Oreo (yes, for the first time… no, it was not the first time I’ve seen them). I’ll stick with funnel cake.

Generally speaking, the New Jersey State Fair trip was for Danielle’s niece. She rode on all the rides a tall 3.5 year old child would be allowed on. Arguably, her favorite “ride” was running through a path of haystacks on a stick horse. That she enjoyed to a point that I have yet to enjoy anything in my 30 years of life. I’m being a little hyperbolic there, but, honestly, she couldn’t get enough of that stick horse haystack stuff.

As for rides, I went on one with Danielle. We were more or less forced/guilted into going on it, but we went of fairly willingly. You may know it by different names like MUSIC EXPRESS, but in New Jersey it’s known as the HIMALAYA or in this case the SUPER HIMALAYA

This video is from Brockton and takes a solid minute or so before it starts cranking up, but you get the idea.

You spin in a circle one way with music blaring and lights flashing. Then you spin backwards with a funky smelling mist sprayed on you. The speed of the ride causes the person on the outside of the car to feel like they’re going to get sucked out of the ride as the person on the inside smashes into the person on the outside. In the end, my left thigh hurts from being jammed into that steel bar while spinning around over and over, but whatever. It was stupid-fun. Not stupid fun, but fun that was stupid.

Danielle couldn’t stop laughing on the ride. I thought she was either having a laughing-stroke, which is a thing? Or I thought she was going to throw-up from said laughter. Both were troubling. She’s fine though.

As for that ride, the Himalaya, I knew it quite well as the last ride of the boardwalk in Point Pleasant, New Jersey… and I was kind of terrified of it.

I never got on that ride as a kid or even as an early teen. I don’t think I actually got on that ride until I was about 16 years old. I never rode a roller coaster until around then as well.

As a younger Kay-Swidge-Izzle, I went to Six Flags amusement park and boardwalks quite a bit, but never got on a rollercoaster. I had my mid-tier rides like the “Scrambler” or “Tilt-a-Whirl”, which I was cool with. I never got sucked into the allure of the roller coaster and waiting 2 hours to ride something that was supposed to scare the shit out of you. So, I just didn’t.

As for the Himalaya, I thought that was like a haunted house death wheel. It was at the end of the boardwalk and it was so loud you could hear it all over the place. It was loud, it had flashing lights, it was spinning like crazy, and the deafening screams of the people riding it all seemed like warning signs that I should not get involved with it. I was curious about it, but like I said I was pretty fucking content with the Scrambler. You can have your horror show known as the Himalaya and I’ll have my delightful spin cycle known as the Scrambler.

I never had a friend who was a huge roller coaster fan until high school. I befriended a kid and it turned out he was one of those people who got the Summer pass for Six Flags and would go all the time, so one Summer I went to Six Flags like 3 or 4 times in high school and started riding roller coasters. That Summer, I also rode the Himalaya for the first time. But… I didn’t eat a corndog.

I ate my weight in churros though.

Good lord, it’s like the only food they serve at Six Flags unless you go in that cafeteria log cabin where the tables are made of solidified salmonella.

Anyway, the New Jersey State Fair was pretty good.

I touched a cow, I pet a sheep’s head, I saw some outrageous bunnies and chickens, I got an eyeful of white trash, I got grifted for $5 from a carny, I was told by another carny that he fell off the top of the carousel and most likely suffered brain trauma, which is why he seemed to nod off at the controls of one of the kids’ rides which Danielle was stranded on for several minutes with her niece as this guy took a concussion cat-nap, and probably some other things happened to.

That was my Saturday for the most part. I also re-watched “Return of the Jedi” for the 1000th time and I have a completely new appreciation for the Ewoks. Seriously, I don’t get the Ewok hate. READ BETWEEN THE LINES. They are furry dwarves that eat people. EAT PEOPLE! They were going to EAT Luke, Han, and Chewbacca. Dude, the Ewoks are no joke. After they defeat the Empire – which they fucking did! – they had their treefort city celebration, which was great. But I’m guessing the untold story of that barbecue was that the meat that they were serving was from the dead bodies of the Empire’s soldiers they had killed earlier in the day. Dude, don’t mess with a fucking Ewok. They’re fearless and have a taste for human flesh with ferocity of an average corndog eater.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

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