August 6, 2013

What. Up. You sexy bitch, you.

That’s right. You’re all sexy bitches. Men, women, HBO’s HARD KNOCKS. You’re all sexy bitches.

Tonight at 10pm Eastern Standard, the premiere pay channel known as Home Box Office or HBO pronounced Huh-Boh will begin it’s new season of their critically acclaimed documentary series entitled “Hard Knocks” which follows around one American professional tackle football team during their training camp and preseason games.

This year’s team… I’m sure you’re wet with anticipation…




Hmmmm… no one is excited? No one?! NOT ONE?!

Meh. I’ll watch it.

Didn’t the Cincinnati Bengals already do a season of Los Hard Knocks just a couple years ago, you may ask.

Yes. Yes, they did.

It was the Summer of 2009, oh so many years ago. I was so naive. I was living in Jersey City. I was not having sex regularly. I was living in the dawn of the Kristen Stewart Wants IT dream. I was gainfully employed. Ahhhhh… memories.

What did we learn about the Cincinnati Bengals in 2009?

First off, I can tell you that I did not learn how to spell Cincinnati correctly. Maybe it’s because I’ve never been to Cincinnati or maybe it’s because it’s how I hear it pronounced, but I always think Cincinnati has two T’s, but it does not. It sounds like people are saying SIN SIN NAT TEE, which is wrong. It should be SIN SIN NAH TEE or SIN SIN NAT EE, I’m not sure which is the “correct” pronunciation. Nevertheless, I may have gotten it down now that I’m pointing this out to you and I that Cincinnati is Cincinnati … DAMN IT! I tried to do the double T again. Fuck you, Cincinnati! … like the word. Fuck the word. Fuck the city? I don’t know. I’ve never been. I’m a Steelers fan, so I’m probably thinking at least fuck the Bengals, but I’m not sure I care enough to fuck the whole city, you know.

Actually, I’ve been watching Ken Burns’ documentary series PROHIBITION and there were some amazing developments last night about Cincinnati’s rich history of bootlegging. Some good stuff.


What did we learn?!

Well, head coach Marvin Lewis is affable and, yet, yells a lot. His yell voice sounds like he’s hoarse from yelling at someone else. Like he’s never gotten the chance to get his voice back from yelling at someone before he feels compelled to yell at another person.

We learned about defensive coach Mike Zimmer and how he could be a head coach and probably should be and how he seems like a wonderful man. Following the show, Zimmer’s wife sadly died unexpectedly of natural causes, which was incredibly heart breaking.

We met their famed quarterback Carson Palmer and his identical twin errr younger brother Jordan Palmer. They seemed like nice enough guys, but honestly READ BETWEEN THE LINES… if your quarterback is under-performing, do you think the guy who is going to motivate him is his younger brother? No. Especially, not a younger brother who is a legit mini-me version of Carson and whose talents lie not in quarterbacking but in smartphone app development. Yes, Jordan Palmer made the RunPee app that tells you when to take a bathroom break during a movie and what you missed during that break. THAT’S WHAT HE’S WORKING ON; HE’S NOT WORKING ON HELPING THE STARTING QUARTERBACK BE BETTER IN ANYWAY.

There was Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens and their budding friendship that always seemed awkward no matter how earnest one was with the other. It was truly a big series for Chad because it showed how hilarious Chad can be. Although, Chad later wasted that by getting married and then a week later attacking that woman with a headbutt to only get divorced the following weekend and kind of lose most people’s high opinion of his personality. But back in 2009, Chad and Terrell were both television stars on E! as well. Terrell had his own TV show akin to “Keeping It Up with the Kardashians” and Chad had his own dating show akin to “The Bachelor”. Good times.

A big storyline of the show featured the fight for four men to grab like one position as the team’s fullback. It was interesting and one would believe the team would have done a lot with those fullbacks, but in reality not much happened. I do believe with two of those guys not in the NFL anymore, Fui (the unstable looking Mormon Samoan) is on the Jets, and Chris Pressley from Woodbury, NJ s on the Bengals’ practice squad I believe – basically still trying to make the team.

Another sad story that resulted after the season was wide receiver Chris Henry who died in a random circumstance where he fell out of the back of a moving truck that December and died from his injuries. He was born a month earlier than me and was 26 at the time.

From sad to silly, offensive lineman Andre Smith was the first round draft pick who held out for much of the training camp to get every nickel he could out of contract negotiations provided the greatest visual moment of him practicing by himself doing high stepping, quick feet drills with him man titties flapping back and forth. I believe he’s still on the team.

The final thing we learned from that season is that HBO can make Cincinnati Bengals’ owner Mike Brown seem likable. Generally speaking, he seems like a crotchety old man who is a prick and is the owner of the only football team in America without an indoor practice facility. Or at least, he didn’t have one back then. I’m not sure if he’s ever fixed that, but that’s an asshole move not to have one of those.


What’s in store this season?

I’m sure we’ll learn more about Marvin Lewis and Mike Zimmer. Most of the other people I mentioned are not on the team, so we won’t see them.

We will learn a lot about offensive coach Jay Gruden I’m guessing. The younger brother of Super Bowl winning coach Jon Gruden who does the Monday Night Football commentating. Jay is one of the more talked about offensive coordinators in the league and was on the short list for a lot of open coaching spots this off-season. He didn’t end up taking any of those positions, but I would be very surprised if he isn’t a head coach next year. Of course, there’s always the chance that the Bengals suck a fuck ton this year, but I’m sure they’ll be at least decent like they’ve been the past couple years. I suspect that Gruden has his eyes on a coaching spot in particular or maybe he asked for too much or I don’t know – maybe we’ll find that out about why he didn’t end up as a head coach. I feel like I’m not TOO crazy in saying this, but I think the Dallas Cowboys’ head coach Jason Garrett will be fired at some point this season – not sure if it is during the season or after it, but I think that will be an open position soon enough. With that, I could see Jay Gruden taking that position or being one of the people definitely highly thought about. Jay is seemingly good at his job and his last name carries a lot of weight.

We’re going to learn a lot about GINGERS… yes, specifically, Andy “The Red Rifle” Dalton. Yes, the biggest bright spot is also the palest and reddest in Bengals’ quarterback Dalton who has played very well after being drafted out of Texas Christian University’s Horned Frogs’ football program. Expect to see a lot of him and his pretty blonde wife Jordan. Hard Knocks loves showing off the players’ wives, especially the QB’s.

Expect to see running backs running in slow motion. Especially, “The Law Firm” BenJarvus Green-Ellis and especially especially Bernard Scott‘s dreadlocks swaying out of the back of his helmet.

Besides Dalton, the team’s biggest bright spot is wide receiver AJ Green who is Dalton’s favorite target. Green is the biggest offensive threat on the team as a phenomenal athlete who plays the position with the know-how and ability of a veteran player and not a guy who has only been in the league a few years. I’m sure there will also be some really freak athlete showing of Mohammad Sanu another WR for the Bengals. Possibly a throwing contest with Dalton as Sanu’s 1 pass for a TD last year was one of the best highlights if not the best highlight for the Bengals last year.

I also imagine that narrator Liev Schrieber will really chew through Jermaine Gresham’s name as often as possible. It’s just fun to say.

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about offensive… but there are some defensive players I’m expecting some hilarious amazing moments from… the first and by far the first is defensive end Michael Johnson. I will be shocked if there are not at least 5 lulz inducing moments from that man throughout this season’s Hard Knocks. He had some hilarious lines during the last NFL season like yelling to no one in particular “MY MOMMA IS AT THIS GAME!” which is scary and amazing.

Defensive tackle Geno Atkins will also be profiled heavily I’m expecting. They do tend to focus on offense more than defense on this show, but I expect that Atkins will be talked about a bunch as he was one of the more highly regarded playmakers from the Bengals last year.

As far as defensive backs and such, I mean they’re characters. Wide receivers are the flashiest players in the game. Defensive backs are the enemies of the flashiest players in the game and in some regards are failed wide receivers who now hunt wide receivers for a living, so just imagine a guy whose flashiness has now turned to being the arch antagonist of the flashiest. So, they’re usually interesting guys. And the Bengals have a pair of veteran DBs in Terrence Newman and Leon Hall.

Lastly, kicker Mike Nugent is a veteran of the team and a solid kicker and will probably have some funny obligatory white guy time on the television. Just being a white guy, white guying it up.

So… there you go.

Look out for the hype train of Jay Gruden, the bromance of Dalton and Green, slow-mo of dreads and long hair (there are a few Samoans on the team) out of the back of helmets, Michael Johnson saying wild shit, DBs being frenemies with WRs, a lot of face time for Jordan Dalton and possibly other hot wives, and at least one segment about Mike Nugent and him being whomever Mike Nugent is.

I’m excited.


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