“Thor: The Dark World” Looks As Stupid As The First
August 7, 2013
Good day! Good day to all of you! All of you who poo goodly today! Good day!
Let’s get right into this…
THOR 2 looks stupid.
I might sound surprised by this. I’m not. That’s not the reason I’m writing this. I’m not writing this because I’m shocked by how stupid it looks. I’m not shocked that it looks to be on par stupidity-wise with the first of its namesake. I’m writing this because the trailer came out and I just watched it no less than two minutes ago and I thought, “Wow, that looks stupid.” While again, the “wow” makes it sound like I’m surprised, but it’s like the same level of “surprise” feeling one gets when they weren’t experiencing something a second ago and then now they’re experiencing it, so it’s a shift in how you’re living your life now for that given moment.
For example, ice cream.
Ice cream isn’t stupid. Far from it, actually. Ice cream can be quite delicious. It can also be disappointing if you were expecting it to be better ice cream than it was and really that’s not the ice cream’s fault as it is your expectations’ fault. You had ill-properly formed expectations and are projecting that problem on the ice cream.
For example on my previous example, you ordered maple-bacon ice cream on a lark knowing full-well you’re not into bacon in desserts and really just wanted a ‘taste’ of that ice cream instead of a full-serving of ice cream that is more your particular speed.
For example on my previous example’s supplementary example, cookies n’ cream.
Back to the for example on my previous example, you could have also ordered ice cream from a ice cream serving establishment that has a very low reputation and with that they’ve compromised the integrity of the ice cream coupled with the fact that ice cream does not have free-will or a voice or any intelligence whatsoever considering it is frozen dairy-by-product (not sure if those hyphens work there), so again you can’t really blame the ice cream. But I digress…
… the original example of “ice cream” was that ice cream tends to be delicious and satisfying when one enters into the ordering and eating of it in a sane mindset. Unless you are one of the babies on Youtube who are experiencing ice cream for the first time, you know that ice cream is delicious prior to your most recent eating of it, but when you did eat it you thought, “Wow, this is delicious” and that surprise feeling of deliciousness is more a shock to your system because at one point you were not eating ice cream and not experiencing its deliciousness and now you are eating ice cream – in this hypothetical situation or possibly you’re eating ice cream while reading this – and now you’re experiencing its deliciousness, which is different.
THOR: THE DARK WORLD IS LIKE THAT, BUT WITH STUPIDITY
That’s what I’m getting at.
It’s not SURPRISING how stupid it is; it’s just noteworthy how surprisingly stupid it is in comparison to when you’re not currently experiencing a level of stupidity that Thor is at that given time.
We did get an inkling of the stupidity of Thor, in a kind of where there is smoke there is fire kind of deal, earlier this week when this movie released its poster and it’s identical to the Iron Man 3 poster. That was foreboding.
Also, “foreboding” how unbelievable fucking awful and stupid the first Thor movie was.
That was pretty foreboding for the sequel.
So, what’s so stupid about the trailer?
I’ll do this sequentially, so this is not necessarily from most stupid to least stupid as it is just first stupid to last stupid. Honestly, the last stupid thing is one of the most stupid things, but I’ll leave it last because I just said I would – jeez…
1. IS LOKI ALWAYS IN A BOX? Didn’t we spend enough time with Loki in a box in “Marvel’s Avengers” for no apparent reason? Yes, yes we did. Also, the Loki in a box thing is a weird trope that was taken from another Marvel franchise the X-Men and all the Magneto in a transparent room that he just hangs out in waiting to be magnanimous. On top of that, is this supposed to be a “Silence of the Lambs” nod that he’s Hannibal Lecter and Thor is Jodie Foster? If so, I’ll agree that Jodie Foster has shapely calves just like Thor Hemsworth. But Loki is arguably the least threatening movie superhero villain this side of Sharon Stone as a marble skinned beauty product baroness in “Catwoman”. Oh, I’m terrified! Loki just did something that caused the furniture to fall over! That’s scary shit! … What did he even do? Fart? Is that just a wind circle exploding from his frost giant ass? You guys remember the frost giants from the first stupid Thor movie? I bet they have wicked gas and that’s one of their powers we weren’t told about like all their powers we weren’t told about. And why does he throw the chairs anyway, they’re wooden chairs – they’ll break. So stupid. What’s he going to sit on now? What a stupid villain? I hate Loki.
Also, he doesn’t even move the bed with that gas release. He sends the chairs into the wall, but it’s not strong enough to move the bed. I’m not saying I can gas strong enough to move a bed, but I’m not also a frost giant and/or a super villain with eyes of world domination nor am I choosing to show off to my God brother by farting to throw a couple of chairs.
2. THOR (THE CHARACTER) IS STUPID, SO IS THE PREMISE OF THIS MOVIE
So, Thor says he wishes he could trust Loki, which means he’s about to trust Loki – stupid. Then Loki says Thor is a fool for thinking he can trust him, but that’s exactly what is about to happen 5 seconds from now in the trailer. This is a stupid self-serving conversation because he’s going to let him out. They’re not having this conversation to not let him out. Stupid. I wish I could trust you because I’m about to trust you. Ugh.
3. ANTHONY HOPKINS SOUNDS LIKE HE’S TALKING THROUGH A RADIO. I’m just saying it does sound like that and that’s stupid.
4. DARKNESS APPARENTLY BUILT LIKE A SPACESHIP DILDO WITH REAR LIGHTS ON IT. You tell me what that thing is and try not to use the word dildo. It’s difficult. This is a stupid movie. It’s a spaceship or dildo projectile tearing up some landmark and Natalie Portman is there.
5. THOR BREAKS THE CONCRETE FOR NO REASON. Seriously, bro, we have enough structural damage from the space dildo, we don’t need you jumping around smashing our sidewalk for the fuck of it. Easily, Thor could have landed on the grass on either side of the walkway or could have created like a gust of wind or storm cloud to slow himself down or he could have tucked and rolled or he could have just flown and hovered to a stop or whatever. Completely needless property destruction. Someone is going to have to fix that you jackass.
6. I GUESS THEY FIXED THE INTER-DIMENSIONAL TELEPORTER. Right? I’m sure that’s a quick fix in the first 30 minutes. Hey, we fixed that thing that blew up at the end of the last movie for no reason? OH WAIT! If this is after the Avengers then Thor just fixed it between then and the Avengers with no complications. So, the big ending to Thor was righted off-screen in between two movies? Amazing. Well played, Thor. Well played, stupidity.
7. MORE OF THAT LOKI TRUST BULLSHIT. Seriously, I wish I could trust you. You shouldn’t trust me. I know, but I must. You’ll regret it. I know, but I have to because that’s the point of this movie. Hmmmm, fair enough, I’ll help you until like 20 minutes left in the movie and then I’ll do whatever shit I’ve somehow managed to conceal all this time. You’re a rascally brother.
8. THOR’S WORTHLESS SIDEKICKS ARE BACK. They did absolutely nothing in the first movie minus steal screen time and they’re back! Or at least a couple of them are. Did they get rid of the Asian one? The Asian viking? Huh? Oh by the way, do you think with all this “I wish I could trust you”, “You’re a fool to trust me”, “If you betray him” – are you getting the sense that Loki might be untrustworthy and he might pull some shit in the 3rd act of the movie? BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING BEING NOT SUBTLE AT ALL ABOUT THAT AS IF THAT WAS A COMPELLING MOVIE IDEA. Having Thor fight a meaningless villain to only continue the unfortunately dull storyline between him and Loki and Loki eventually backstabbing him is lame.
OR! Are they going to throw a big switcheroo and he actually saves Thor because then that would be lamer and make the entire first Thor movie even more stupid than it was before. At least have some convictions Loki.
9. NATALIE PORTMAN SLAPPING LOKI IS STUPID.
He’s a fucking indestructible mythical super villain, she’s a 100 pound astrologer(?). Her slap wouldn’t even register let alone move his head or any of that. Stupid. “That’s for New York.” YEAH! FUCK YEAH! THIS MOVIE IS AMAZING! FUCK YEAH FOR NEW YORK! If the Hulk bashing Loki around didn’t kill him and only slightly injured him and he’s completely fine right now then Natalie Portman’s hand would probably shatter if it actually stuck Loki unless he toggles the strength of his body on and off for moments like that.
Also, it appears Thor has taken her on this mission for no other reason than to have his fuck buddy present. I might be fighting aliens, but I’d also like to bang my Earth mistress in the off hours of this harrowing war I’m embarking on.
10. WAS THAT THEIR MOM FIGHTING? I mean the tin hockey masked bad guys look completely uninspired and the money shot/romantic novel cover image of shirtless Thor walking between flowing white drapes while being lit by a Sunrise are stupid, but do we really need to see Thor and Loki’s mom throwing down with the twirly wirly knife play?
11. THE FABRIC OF REALITY COULD BE TORN APART. What does that even mean?
12. ROCK MONSTER ONE SHOT KILL. WHY ISN’T THAT THOR’S MOVE WITH ALL OF HIS ENEMIES?! There is absolutely no explanation to Thor’s powers or his hammer’s powers or whatever. He does shit sometimes and doesn’t do shit other times. Is it because he’s tired and there’s a limit to his powers? Or is he just futzing around? Whenever he spins his hammer around by the rope – which why is that even there, so he can do that? I guess he needs that rope there if he’s carrying it on his wrist or hanging it from his belt? Is that something he added or did that come standard with the mythical Mjolnir? And he can just call the hammer to himself with an inexplicable force pull, so he could just have the hammer hovering against himself instead of using this rope? – it’s always the single that he’s about to land his big powerful signature move shot, so why doesn’t he do that all the time? It’s like his finisher that he only uses when he feels like it. Like he has that spinning hammer move that calls thunder and lightning and a storm cloud, which he should do to all his enemies when he first spots them, but instead he likes to tussle with them first and then use his powers later. Why? For us, the viewer, I suppose.
13. STUPID. It’s just all stupid.
Thankfully, I will have no problem skipping this movie in November.
I’m on the fence about Avengers 2 and Expendables 3, kind of, but Thor 2 is a definite no.