The TEENS Have Chosen – Idiotic RED CARPET Outfits!

August 12, 2013

Hello, lads and ladies!

I have some news for you. Big news! That NEWS is….

“ELYSIUM” SUCKS!

It did. Or does. I saw it on Friday and it sucked. I imagine today, it still sucks.

Do not be mistaken for some strange reason that I did not enjoy a single solitary second of Elysium because I’m a defender of the 1% against the 99% or that I’m anti-healthcare. While those political messages are in the movie somewhere, I did not enjoy as mentioned not even a second of this movie because it just sucked.

The storyline was terrible and incredibly messy, the plot points were arbitrary and idiotic, the characters were idiotic and underdeveloped, the motivations for characters were questionable at best, the world the movie takes place in is a minefield of idiocy and a void of logic, the action was boring, there was very little of that boring action, the boring action was unwatchable as the camera was so shaky it was indecipherable what was happening, the dialogue was stupid, the choices made by both characters and writer/director were terrible, the entire movie was fucking mindless.

All in all, it’s slightly better than “Oblivion”. I would say that “Elysium” tried harder and more happens in that shit bomb of a movie, but in the end they’re both awful sci-fi action movies from this year. From the first few scenes of “Oblivion”, you realize this movie will suck. With “Elysium”, there’s a general hope that the movie will or could get better at some point and simply never does. It never gets good. It starts out and with each scene another negative is added to the lists of +/- ‘s of the movie and it simply never adds a +, but there always seems like they could have a +, but never make the right decision in that scene to make it a +. I will say for “Oblivion”, it was easier to laugh at. That movie was really easy to laugh at. “Elysium” made me want to yell at it. WHY?! Why does Kruger have a force field? Why does Kruger tried to hide his identity? Why does Kruger have a weapon that shoots flying disks that attach to the target and blow them up like heat-seeking missiles and still choose to use another weapon? Why does Kruger have exploding ninja stars? Why does the gun that Matt Damon uses for 1 second exist and no one else uses it? Why do the robots not fight at the end of the movie? Why do the people in Elysium have any connection to the people on Earth? What’s the point? Why doesn’t Elysium have guns on Elysium? Why would Elysium have so many weapons and just put them in a locker instead of use them to defend themselves? Why Kruger? WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

Meanwhile, Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy’s movie THE HEAT was pretty good.

Anyway…

RED CARPET

Selena’s like 25 now, right? Or at least her body? The face is like a Cabbage Patch Doll with make-up. Like a sexy Cabbage Patch Doll if there is such a thing.

Honestly, I enjoy several Selena Gomez songs. I have no shame admitting that. Is it weird that I actually respect her music more than I think of her as a sex symbol? That’s weird, right? I should go watch “Springbreakers” and start objectifying Selena more in my head because right now all I’m thinking is YOU’RE ARE THE THUNDER AND I AM THE LIGHTNING!!!!! And I’m totes cool with that.

Outside of men in prison, no one should want to have sex with these whatever they are. Boys? Even as a small boy I had more masculinity than these 5 conjoined creeps. And when I was a small boy, I wore khaki hot pants. I don’t even know what I hate most about this picture. It’s probably the guy all the way to the right’s hat. But what is happening around all their ankles should be a criminal offense.

Yikes.

Simply, yikes.

She’s like 25.

I don’t even think this how “teens” dress, but dress like an adult lady. It looks like Jackson Pollack bukkaked you from his drunken neurotic grave.

No idea.

I don’t know who this is or what this is. We should sterilize it.

I even read the name next to the picture and I still don’t know who it is and I’ve never been happier. I hope to never understand why this is something. Please, whoever is supporting this to exist – find it in your heart to stop. Just stop. Pick up a new hobby. Any hobby. I don’t even care if that hobby is the smoking of crystal meth. Just smoke your crystal meth and stop giving money to this. Unless the profits of crystal meth use fund this. Which would make sense?

You’re 24 years old! Stop dressing like you’re the mature girl learning the limits of your sexuality at your best friend’s sweet sixteen.

Oh right, they give out surfboards at the Teens Choice Awards.

Why? Did no one get the memo that surfing isn’t apart of the culture’s zeitgeist anymore?

I’m pretty sure surfing stopped getting the attention it once had when California Dreams was cancelled. RIP Dreams!

I’ve never watched the Teen Choice Awards for more than three seconds, so I’m not sure if this is explained at the beginning of the broadcast, but are the people in attendance forced to grab outfits out of a dumpster before they walk the “blue carpet”?

Like do they all show up in t-shirts and sweatpants and then jump into a thrift store style pile of clothes that the producers hilariously chose for their repulsiveness and then force these desperate celebrities to jump into that mess and find something that fits them and then they wear that for rest of the show while being handed surfboards?

IF that’s not what they do then they should or they should say they do that because it would help explain what I’ve seen so far.

From the Quinceanera collection at Frederick’s of Hollywood…

I couldn’t be more thrilled that I don’t watch that show or any of its surrounding shows anymore.

Although, I do like J-Woww the best of all those people – not just because of the tits – because she’s an adamant former UFC lightweight champion Frankie Edgar supporter. And so am I.

They totally had roleplay sex that night. He’s the Fonz or some derivative and she’s the chick at school with the boobs or something… I don’t know.

There’s also the potential chance they fell asleep at a reasonable hour following the premiere of Breaking Bad. I mean they’re over 30 and they’re white, so you know how shit goes.

They’re registered sex offenders, right?

Or at least that’s what they’re trying to look like, right?

These are some odd outfits, but nevertheless…

I watched “Sister, Sister” and never really thought these two were all that attractive, but they’ve blossomed into womanhood to a level of sexiness I would have never guessed. And that sounded as creepy as one of the outside Jonas Brothers, but no where near as Amber Alert-y as the Jonas brother in the middle.

So, this is a kid actress who was in something, but I just want to point out her age – it’s 14.

No arguments, right? She might look a little older than 14, but she looks like a kid and she is one.

15… mind kind of blown.

She looks like Malin Akerman from like last year. And Malin is like 35 something and at the same time looks like she’s 25.

Sometimes puberty seems to kick in and make people look more mature than their actual age. For girls, it usually means more ‘womanly’ figures and these things called boobs. For guys, it means ratty armpit hair and the squirreliest mustache one could ever tack to a pedophile’s wanted poster. The human body – it’s a terrible and wonderful mystery.

I’m like 80% positive this is a Queen Amidala poolside outfit from Phantom Menace.

Uhhhh… when did McLovin’ get older than my Dad?

No idea.

I do hope he won an award for looking the most awkward.

Can we have a serious discussion Paramore fans for a moment? Can you just admit that Paramore has less musical integrity than Avril Lavigne?

It wasn’t like Avril needed JaRule’s help to get her a number one single.

Looking good/great Michelle Rodriguez. Dressed in actual dress and not some child GAP’s stockroom overflow thing.

Well… that’s kind of it.

Real lack of star power at this year’s Teen Choice Awards apparently.

Really disappointing actually.

Who was the big coup at this awards show? Lily Collins’ eyebrows?

So, don’t see “Elysium” unless you hate yourself.

BREAKING BAD ruled per usual.

How was your weekend?!

 

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