Was I Right About “Hard Knocks” And My Lukewarm NFL Predictions

August 21, 2013

WHADDUP!

First things first, I wasn’t expecting to see James Harrison’s butt.

I bet James Harrison’s butt alone could get 2 sacks this year, am I right?

Seriously though, I was not expecting to see former Pittsburgh Steelers’ linebacker James Harrison’s incredibly muscular ass with or without acupuncture needles sticking into it.

Last night, the terrifying enigma that is James Harrison did allow the HBO Hard Knocks cameras to witness his awe-inspiring session, which he has at least twice a week. Remember in the first “Matrix” movie where Neo looks like slimy James Woods and they need to put him into that incubation chamber and they fill him up with acupuncture needles and electrically stimulate his muscles because he’s never used them before? Well, that’s what Harrison’s ass and rest of his body looked like.

Looking back at my Hard Knocks preview, I didn’t even mention James Harrison because I forgot that James Harrison got picked up by the Bengals. Or maybe as a Steelers fan, I just blocked that out of my memory. I don’t know. Either way, James Harrison has been prominently featured on the show whether he likes it (which he doesn’t) or not. Last night, he was so prominently featured that we saw his fucking ASS. Like slow, panning, hero shots of his ass. I would have done the same thing if I was directing the show too. He’s quite a specimen.

Anyway, about the acupuncture, the acupuncturist said that the first time she did James Harrison’s needles he asked who got the most needles and her response was Curtis Martin. Former running back for the New York Jets Curtis Martin is honestly not a surprising answer if you remember how tough that motherfucker was and how many needles one would need to fix the punishment that man did to his body. I bet you could saw Curtis Martin’s leg off and the dude wouldn’t even give you the satisfaction of a single tear. He’d just stare a blank hole through you. Anyway… the number of needles was just shy of 240 and James Harrison asked for that. Then the next time, James Harrison wanted to do more… he wanted 300 needles. Ever since, he’s gotten 300 needles and she said he’s the only guy who has ever asked for it twice.

If you tried to saw James Harrison’s leg off, I’m sure the saw blade would break and he’d rip your restraints in half and then bite out your throat… anywhoozle.

I was wrong about Harrison and Hard Knocks because I forgot he was on it. I was also wrong that Michael Johnson would get a lot of screen time. He’s had 10 seconds more screen time on Hard Knocks than I have. I’m honestly very surprised by this. There are still two more episodes left, but so far he’s gotten very little attention.

I was right about Andy Dalton, Dalton’s wife, Dalton’s bromance with AJ Green, and the like.

I was right about Geno Atkins at least for the first episode.

I was right about Jermaine Gresham at least for the first episode.

Haven’t seen much Leon Hall, but seen some tidbits of Terrence Newman seemingly talking to himself.

Haven’t seen a second of Mike Nugent.

Last night was the first episode where they showed “The Law firm” BenJarvus Green-Ellis and it was in slow-mo, but it was a slow-mo of him thanking the owner of the Bengals with a slight pat of his knee.

I was right about the coaches. They’ve spent a lot of attention on Mike Zimmer and Jay Gruden and more or less arguing that these guys should be head coaches somewhere else. Marvin Lewis has been fine. He’s a mix of good and bad. But they’re laying it on real thick about Zimmer and Gruden. I agree that both should get head coaching jobs, so I’m ok with the hyperbole about them. There’s been a big focus on Hue Jackson as well, which I forgot he was on the Bengals as their RBs coach. Whatever. He used to coach there then he left, now he’s back. Great.

Lastly… the ladies.

I’m a bit surprised there hasn’t been more, but last night there was a good showing of the ladies in the lives of the Bengals. We got to see Andy Dalton’s wife, Jordan, for the second time. The first episode started off with Jordan Dalton leading Andy through a pilates workout because Jordan is a pilates instructor nowadays… also a blonde because Andy Dalton knows what’s up with QBs and them having blonde wives. We saw rookie DE Margus Hunt’s southern accent having lady in an earlier episode as well. Last night, we got to meet Taylor Mays’ blonde lady and we got to meet Giovani Bernard’s brunette beauty who is the one lending him the keys to the gold minivan he’s been driving around. I also think we’ve seen O-lineman Andrew Whitworth’s wife for a second. Either way, last night we got at least two solid scenes about the women.

The Bengals do have cheerleaders; I’m sure we’ll see them at some point. Or maybe not. One of them did get arrested last year for having sex with a minor at a high school she worked at where her mom was principal and her mom tried to mess with some computer files or something and probably cost herself her job trying to cover-up her daughter’s craziness. So… yeah.

In 2009, there was a big focus on the Bengals and their fullbacks and in 2013 there’s a lot of focus on them too. Why? Who knows. I mean my guess is it’s a guaranteed cryptic one that HBO chooses positions that the team knowingly will cut several players from and then gets you invested in them for that drama. The Bengals have like 4 guys they’re trying out at FB and they’re only keeping 2 at most. A similar story at linebacker. They have more linebackers than they can carry and we’ll be saying goodbye – like we did last night to Maybin who we had just learned is a rather nice painter – to them.

As for what I’m hoping for from the next two episodes… more players wives and girlfriends obvi. Give some fucking screen time to Michael Johnson. Preferably a quiet moment where James Harrison admits the Steelers will forever and ever and always have his heart than the Bengals. Someone calling Andy Dalton out for having a terrible singing voice and for listening to Christian rock. C’mon!

NOW…

My lukewarm NFL predictions!

If I were really going to give a real set of predictions, I would actually look at each team’s schedule and so forth, but that’s a lot of effort for a blog that only 4 people read. So, I’m going to make a general guestimate and with that a little kind of blurb.

UGH. Ok. I’ll do a little more than that. I just want to earn my love from you, so I’ll do a little research. Ok? So, I’m going to take Las Vegas’ odds of over/under how many wins a team will get this season and I’ll throw my 2 cents in about that. Is that good enough for you to still heart me?!

AFC

EAST

BUFFALO BILLS – 6.5 … I want to say over, but I think it’s going to be 6 wins. I don’t have a lot of faith in that team. I think the presiding faith determinant is EJ Manuel’s health and CJ Spiller’s health and how shitty other teams turn out to be. By the by, I am looking at their schedule and I think they’ll be around 6 wins like Vegas says.

MIAMI DOLPHINS – 8 … I’d take the under. 8’s a lot of wins. I think they could do it, but they do not have an easy schedule this season and even with the Patriots’ problems they’ll still be good and so will a lot of these teams they’re facing. I think the Dolphins going 8-8 would be huge this season.

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS – 11 … Ugh. These odds are pretty amazing right now. I’d probably say the Patriots would get 11 wins. Man this is a tough. I think they’ve definitely handicapped themselves somewhat this season, but they’re still going to be good/real good. I might go over.

NEW YORK JETS – 6.5 … Under. Fuck the Jets. They suck. Mark Sanchez and Geno Smith on the field at the same time with two footballs couldn’t do shit for that team. They’re personnel has taken a step back and so will they. They sucked last year and the team will fall apart even worse this year. Everyone gets fired at the end of this year for the Jets.

NORTH

BALTIMORE RAVENS – 8.5 … I’d go under. They can probably pull the over too, but they gave up so much and the team changed so much and then they got hit by a lot of injuries. I think 8 wins will be tough this year for them. Who knows though. They still have a solid team even with all that they gave up. But 8 is a lot.

CINCINNATI BENGALS – 8.5 … I’d go over. I think the Bengals will be able to beat up on a lot of the teams they’re facing this year. It really comes down to the injuries with this team. If they lose AJ Green then their team would fall apart almost, but I think they’re pretty well suited for this season. I think they’re beatable, but I think they’ll have a solid season and then lose in the playoffs.

CLEVELAND BROWNS – 6 … That’s what I would have said as far as wins. Maybe I would pick the under. I don’t have faith in that coaching staff. I think the team has improved from other years, but are untrustworthy with this new coaching staff. Still a rebuilding year.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS – 9 … Like the Bengals, I think they’re a team that can easily go 8-8, 9-7 even when they’re not playing their best and I think a big factor with this team is injuries – like all teams I guess. The Steelers haven’t looked good in the preseason, but they’re not a team known for losing. Last year, they went 8-8 with all those injuries and so forth and that’s not that bad of a season. I think I would bet the over. There are some tough games on the schedule by teams that seem to play up/down to their opponents and teams usually play up to the Steelers. But I think they’re a well coached team with a solid group of players who make can make it happen.

Uhhhhh… ok… I need to speed this up.

SOUTH

HOUSTON TEXAS – 10.5 … Under. I think this will be a little bit of a let down year.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS – 8.5 … Over. I think 9 or 10 wins is a possible. I think this could be a let down year and I’ll be wrong, but at the same time I don’t think this team will lose some of the games they did last year this year.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS – 5 … UNDER! They suck. They will be lucky to win 2 games this year. Worst team in the league.

TENNESSEE TITANS – 6.5 … Under. I don’t have much faith in the Titans making much of a turnaround this year.

WEST

DENVER BRONCOS – 11.5 … under. I say under because their D just got eviscerated. Peyton will be able to win some shootouts and so forth, but they won’t have Von Miller in the first 6 games of this year and he was the heart/soul/strength of this defense.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS – 7.5 … under. I’m not sold on this team’s turnaround either. Alex Smith and Andy Reid don’t seem like the match-made-in-heaven that some people are pretending it is. Andy is pass-happy coach and Alex Smith was not a gunslinger. Not sure about this team.

OAKLAND RAIDERS – 5.5 … under. Tough schedule for the most part and they’re completely unproven. They’ve got a litany of who knows QBs. Their defense also took a hit with guys going to jail.

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS – 7.5 … under. I don’t have much faith in the Bolts either. They drafted Manti Teo. Seriously? You draft the Catfished idiot? Nah.

NFC

EAST

DALLAS COWBOYS – 8.5 … under. I think the Cowboys take another step back this year and end up firing Jerry Jones at the end of it.

NEW YORK GIANTS – 9 … I’m leaning towards the over. 9 is about what I want to say with the Giants. I think they could steal some from the new Eagles and some other teams that they’ve been giving up recently.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES – 7.5 … I’d say over. I know I just said I think the Eagles could lose a pair to the Giants, but at the same time – who the fuck knows. I think the Eagles will be either surprising bad or surprisingly good. I’m being optimistic.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS – 8.5 … Over. If RGIII is healthy then over. Even if he’s not, over. I think this team is poised to win the division again. A possible 10-6 or better season is not that crazy. Honestly, last year, Rex Grossman almost led this team to a win over the Patriots. They’re a solid football team all across the board. They will be a threat with RGIII or without.

NORTH

CHICAGO BEARS – 8.5 … under. I’d say 8-8 is reasonable for that team. I feel like Chicago is due for major changes at the end of this season. I’d be surprised if Cutler isn’t on another team next year. That being said, I don’t think Cutler is the problem, but I think they’ll try to makeover the team because of the losing effort.

DETROIT LIONS – 8 … UNDER. Are you fucking kidding me? They should’ve fired everyone last year. No way they get 8 wins this year. Are they playing the Jags every week?

GREEN BAY PACKERS – 10.5 … Over. I think the Packers will get back to double digit wins this year and keep the train rolling into the playoffs. Odd year last year with that team. I think they’ll right some wrongs. A team with this great/proven of a QB can not stay down too long.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS – 7.5 … Over. I don’t have tons of faith in the Vikings, but I think they can make this happen. Well… maybe not. They’ve got a crazy rough schedule after their bye. Ok… so, I’m going to say UNDER now. Under.

SOUTH

ATLANTA FALCONS – 10 … Over. Sure. They’ll be good/great like last year, but still beatable every so often.

CAROLINA PANTHERS – 7 … Under. I would say 7 wins is a solid number of wins for them, and I’m not comfortable in saying 8 wins for them. So, under.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS – 9 … Over. I think the Saints are back.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS – 7.5 … Under. I’d say 7 wins is about what I’m expecting from the Bucs. I don’t have faith in Josh Freeman anymore. If they had gotten a different QB, I might have said over, but I’m not sure Freeman has it in him.

WEST

ARIZONA CARDINALS – 5.5 … Over. The Cardinals should have won more games than they did last year and I think with Arians at the helm they’ll get 6 or more victories.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS – 11 … Under. 10-6 sounds healthy to me. I think they’re a great team, but they’ve got a lot of traveling to do and will have a rough go of it with the Seahawks, Rams, and Cardinals this year.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS – 10.5 … Under. I think they’ll have around 10 wins, so I can take 10.5’s under. I really like the Seahawks, but they won’t be “surprising” anyone like last year. Teams will be better prepared when the Seahawks leave their nest and go on the road.

ST. LOUIS RAMS – 7.5 … Over. I think the Rams are getting some wins this year. They will be .500 or above. They had some flashes last year and I think that will be more steady this year.

WHEW! I’m done.

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