2013 MTV VMAS – Some White Chick Twerked – NEVER FORGET

August 26, 2013

Whaddup… I am dying inside.

Not because of the VMAs. Actually, especially not because of the VMAs because I didn’t watch a second of them. Actually actually, I haven’t even looked through these red carpet pictures I’m about to eviscerate and/or sound creep-o sex-o about. All I have seen from the VMAs thus far is this…

Honestly, that’s enough right there.

It’s Will Smith et al watching Miley Cyrus twerk in a nude set of underwear to Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” I believe. Their possibly sincere, possibly worked looks of shock, awe, and throw-up is really enough for me to know I should never watch the VMAs ever.

But lets analyze this pic for a second. When did Willow and Jaden start dressing normal? I mean is Jaden simply wearing a black t-shirt and not an Iron Man costume? What a boring ass kid Jaden has become. Actually, I don’t mind Jaden. I mean it’s your fault if you’re watching him act. And it is certainly not his fault the Karate Kid reboot was bad. I mean he didn’t make it good, but that movie had problems beyond problems that Jaden couldn’t have fixed. He also looks terrified in this picture. Willow looks like she emerged from Descartes’ cave of ignorance and is now seeing the Sun for the first time and the Sun in this case is the weirdly hick gangster wannabe Miley Cyrus shaking her butt in front of Robin Thicke’s genitals as if this was a good decision ever. Will looks like he’s saying in his head, “That ain’t right.” Like in any way you can define that “that ain’t right” he means it that way. And Jada may be looking at Miley, may also be looking at a mirror and seeing her odd leather flapper outfit with poof hair, may also have remembered the stove is on, may also have remembered she had sex with Marc Anthony… could be anything really.

Well… back to me dying.

I spent Thursday through Sunday in Cape Cod celebrating one of my best friend’s right to get married this November – otherwise known as a bachelor party. It was detrimental to my health both physically and mentally. I laughed to the point of exhaustion on multiple occasions this past weekend. I love those guys and I feel like my love for them just took off 10 years of my life. I need an enema for my brain right now.

I don’t even feel like going over all that happened or remembering all the booze intake, but know this – we yelled “FUCK HOUSE”, “FUCK TRUCK”, or “VIVA LA FUCK HOUSE” for about 3 days straight where ever we were including all over the city of Boston.

Let’s do this post instead, ok?

The VMAs are stupid.

Let’s look at some pictures…

RED CARPET- TEENS/TWEENS/QUEENS

This dress made it that much easier to imagining having sex with Selena Gomez.

This is what half her boobs look like in a lingerie top. I assume this is also like the Mormon equivalent or the steampunk equivalent of Lil’ Kim showing up the VMAs all those years ago with her boob out and nipple covered with a flower sticker. Remember that? How could one forget. How could one forget that Diana Ross just stuck her hand out for America and bounced Lil Kim’s exposed titty on her finger tips. What a great moment in pop culture history? I’m not saying I’ve accomplished much in my life, but I would like to think that at the end of my days the highlight of my life isn’t an old soul singer jostling my nude titty with her fingers on international television. Eh… who am I to judge? That was hilarious.

Selena’s a good looking lady. I do love/hate/laugh-at how websites are so proud of kid actresses growing up and dressing slutty – they’re claiming their adulthood… an adulthood of dressing like expensive prostitutes. Anyway… I blame “Pretty Woman”.

Yuck.

I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t found Miley Cyrus to be attractive in a select few of the billion pictures that have been taken of her. Actually, I can remember two right off the top of my brain where I thought she was attractive and thought she was going to change my opinion of her being kind of a drugged up yokel idiot, but thankfully she’s regressed. So, if you’re wondering about what the longterm effects of “molly” is then look no further. You become an uber lame ripoff of Pink.

What?

No one came to see Katy Perry’s left thigh. It’s a nice enough thigh, I suppose. But no one came to see it. We came to see your boobs, Katy. Do you not remember every other day of your fame? Your entire fame revolves around your boobs singing those pop songs, so let the boobs out. Maybe wear that dress upside down next time with the slit positioned just so in the middle so your boobs can receive a lot of daylight, fresh air, and leering stares from me and anyone else with a functioning set of pupils.

A thigh? Fucking go home, Katy.

Ugh.

Just go drown somewhere. At once.

This is the proverbial, “look what I can do!”

We get it, Taylor. You can be sexy like a woman. It’s as if they took one of those Toddlers & Tiaras brats and stretched them out until they were 5’10” and you have Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus have become seemingly the Christ and Anti-Christ of pop music and/or this red carpet. It’s as if they’re running a race from the same starting point, but when the whistle blew they took off in opposite directions.

I don’t know if Taylor Swift is still a virgin or not, but I imagine you have to look at her entire collection of 3000 puppy and kitty calenders before she even pops a nipple out.

I regret you.

I regret spending however many hours I spent watching you be an idiot.

Also, she looks weird. I met her in 2010 and she looked good. She also wasn’t on a 6 week bender in Seaside. She was sober and she looked 100x better than she looks in this picture.

Either way, just go away already. Go live a fucking normal life somewhere.

Remember the episode of Arrested Development when Tobias gets the hair transplant and his body doesn’t accept it and his body is dying but the hair is thriving… that’s what is going on here with Lady Gaga’s tits.

I do really like Lady Gaga a lot. I listened to “Monster” from beginning to end on the hellish drive back from Cape Cod yesterday and it is a fucking wonderful listening experience. So many good songs. Just a fun album. Seriously, her singing “Bad Ruh-mance!” is still incredible. Her last albums sucked so many evil, STD ridden dicks. “Applause” is a good track and hopefully this coming album is much better.

Is he even actually a thing?

I mean does he have a career. Like making music and such? I heard he was on broadway for a bit, but honestly I couldn’t care less. Dude, make a song. Stop dressing up like you’re one of the Volturi – those movies are fucking over. I mean casting and filming for Aaliyah’s “Queen of the Damned” ended 11 years ago. It’s over. Move on.

I don’t know if Ciara even records music anymore.

I don’t even remember what Ciara’s song was that was famous for a bit.

Ciara should be a personal trainer or swimsuit model.

Or a lawyer or whatever. I mean it’s America – go be somebody!

Absolutely no fucking clue.

I’m betting their British though. I’d bet money on them being British. Are they British?

If they’re British then I bet they love using the word “pudding” to describe anything but actual “pudding”.

By the way, what the first chick is wearing from left to right is exactly how every single one of these broads at the VMAs including/especially Katy Perry should be wearing. Booty shorts and a bra – what more do you need? If whoever that blonde is is still “famous” next year, what’s she going to not wear to top this year’s outfit?

God bless her pudding though.

Where ever we drown One Direction… shortly thereafter we need to get these dopes over there and in that water.

I’d say save Jared Leto for his acting, but honestly I’m ok with losing that as well for the greater good.

If it ain’t broke, right?

Seriously, just film her doing the “I’m a little tea cup” to complete the absolute pedophilia fantasy she’s the queen of. She’s also 20 by the way, but c’mon. You have to be honest with yourself. If you’re into her, it’s not like you’re imaging her as a dominatrix… no it’s somewhere between licking a giant lollipop and getting her underwear pulled down at the beach by a puppy like the Coppertone kid.

By the way, that Coppertone ad maybe the most pedophile thing ever.

I don’t know who this is… but everyone in attendance at the VMAs watched intently as she passed by to see if they could get a shot of her puss or not. Seriously, everyone did it. Don’t even pretend like the first thing you looked at wasn’t her crotch. From Will Smith to Lady Gaga’s back-up homo slave dancer stared at her crotch as she walked by. Maybe you can see it, maybe there’s a merkin.

2 Chainz.

Remember when rap music was about being tough and keeping it real? Yeah, me neither. It’s about dressing up like you’re a rich white woman’s set of curtains.

Fucking get the fuck out of here.

No idea.

I do know that each one of these ladies thinks the other four ladies are real cunts.

Hey, whoever you are… thanks for letting me see your boobs.

I was getting bored. That helped me out a bit. It’s like eating one of those Gatorade gummy sugar squares when you’re working out – just a little pick me up.

The picture says these skirts’ last names are “Nervo”.

I’ve listened to a couple of Nervo tracks and they were pretty good.

The one on the left looks like a feminine Kesha and the one of the right looks like someone jizzed in her hair. So all in all, they’re like in the top 5% of best looking people on this red carpet.

Hi.

Coco Jones, is it?

Cool. Cool.

Are you like an intern at MTV or are you like the niece of 2 Chainz? Like did you win a contest for like being the best fresh faced intern MTV’s ever had? Or are you in music and I’ve never heard your music? All are possibles, right?

Hi.

Coco Rocha, is it?

Yeah, we have a cap at how many people we can have named Coco come in here who are not actually famous. So, we already got that Coco Jones chick. So… yeah, could you leave?

Also, I think you’ve snorted so much cocaine you’ve turned your skin white.

Just a heads up. I’m not a doctor, but it’s just a guess you shouldn’t do as much cocaine as you are currently doing.

Hey, honey. I have something to tell you.

What is it, Robin?

Well, you know that song that I sing?

Are you talking about the one that sounds like you’re going to force sex on some young lady?

Yep.

Ok?

Well, I’m going to perform it at the VMAs.

Great.

And, while I’m performing it, Miley Cyrus is going to strip down to her underwear and then pantomime having standing-doggstyle sex with my penis.

Sounds great, married husband of mine.

Snooki?

Whatever Lil Kim did to herself should be illegal. They should have arrested her soon as they saw her.

Hey Taylor and Selena… did you see Lil’ Kim?

Hey, Jaden and Willow… did you see Lil’ Kim?

It looks like Lil’ Kim’s face merged with a near death Zsa Zsa Gabor’s face and then smelled a hearty fart.

Next…

Father.

This guy just procreated.

Yeah, but did you get that at the Thrift Shop? Right. Because of the song.

Whatever.

I love that part in Macklemore’s gay pride song “Same Love” where he specifically points out in the song only a minute in how much he loves pussy. You know? Isn’t that exactly what that song needed?

Hey, Ryan Lewis, it’s me, Macklemore.

Oh hey, what’s up?

I’m going to need a dope beat again because I’m penning a new song.

Oh, cool. What’s it about?

It’s about gay people and how their love is the same as a straight person’s love and they should have the right to get married.

Oh, that’s great. But… do you mention in the song that there’s no way that you’re gay because your dick is just all about that stank pussy?

You bet! I put it in like the first two lines.

Good! Because if there’s anything that a song about gays needs it’s a reminder of how much you like getting stank pussy rubbed on your johnson. It’s a must in a song like that.

I know. This isn’t my first rodeo. I know that if you’re going to show support for gay people that you must also make sure you tell people that you are not gay first and how much you can’t be gay because you just love nasty amounts of pussy on your clearly heterosexual penis.

Yeah. Werd. This was a good phone call.

– the end –

One Response to “2013 MTV VMAS – Some White Chick Twerked – NEVER FORGET”

  1. How about MackeLESS.

    HEYYOOOOOO!…?

    I don’t know who basically any of these people are. I’m old and ok with it.

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