“Camp X-Ray” Has Done Wonders For Kristen Stewart’s Boobs

August 27, 2013

Hey, how are things?

Honestly, I wasn’t into this movie CAMP X-RAY that Kristen Stewart is doing. Notice the “was” part of the “wasn’t” from that sentence.

Arguably the main reason why I WASn’t into it WAS because of the whole entire storyline…

A soldier assigned to Guantanamo Bay befriends a man who has been imprisoned there for eight years.

That “soldier” is Kristen motherfucking Stewart. So, Kristen motherfucking Stewart is going to play a United States military soldier after spending 5 films playing a comatose love interest for a vampire. Fine. Whatever, right? Great choice to play a US military female person. Also, it’s a stupid fucking romance story where she “befriends” more like “befucks” some quasi-terrorist because we really need that as a movie.

Secondly, the director has never directed anything and is a graphic designer for whatever movie would have him and really you know good for that guy for getting his movie made with him promoting himself to director, but let’s be serious – the graphic designer for “Take Me Home Tonight” probably didn’t have to be too talented and we’ll be lucky as shit if he’s an average director at best. So, I’m not excited by any of the above two paragraphs.

What am I excited about… now?

Kristen Stewart is looking fly as Hell in this movie.

Am I right?

And when I say “fly” I mean literally “In Living Color” era flyness of oversized cargo camo pants rolled into socks and sneakers with a wife beater tied in a knot kind of b-boy style flyness.

We’re going to take a closer look at the flyness… but before we leave this distant picture possibly taken through cyclone style wire fencing…

Did they not hire a military consultant?

I thought that was something that all movies did or had to do or maybe they’re just pretending they did.

Kristen Stewart wants IT. Sure. Kriste Stewart is also rocking a Converse genie get-up below the knee. I’m guessing this is not U.S. Army appropriate.

I’m guessing the knotted wife beater isn’t either, but it’s tough to see from this far away. Let’s zoom in a bit…

As mentioned, the boobs – Kristen Stewart’s boobs – are looking pretty fantastic for Kristen Stewart.

I mean they would be a lowlight day for like Chesty McChesterton Christina Hendricks, but for the double A’s that could Kristen Stewart’s are like about as good as they’ve ever looked. I mean they are stretching some fabric right there, which I’m pretty impressed with.

You can clearly see that Kristen Stewart has adopted the A-typical Sexy Soldier look alla a college ROTC girl on Halloween. Showing off some waist line and back with the as mentioned knotted wife beater and incredibly low cut scooping neck line.

Kristen Stewart is wearing a bra of some sort and it’s working. It’s really giving Kristen Stewart some heft up top, which is normally not there.

It also appears Kristen Stewart is wearing a necklace of some sort that is draped between her supported and forward striving breasts, which means you’re totally staring at Kristen Stewart’s breasts if you’re talking to her at this point. It’s a very good alternative to looking into her wanting eyes, which could cause irreparable damage to all brain stem functions.

The hair is fucking rocking. Kristen Stewart’s hair wants IT and what it wants is freedom and a nice cool breeze running its fingers through it.

There’s a hair tie around Kristen Stewart’s wanting IT forearm, which was only moments earlier in that hair. I know hair, ladies. I’m no dummy. I’m sure it was pulled back into a pony tail just seconds earlier because they were shooting a scene where she needed to have her hair in a pony tail and/or she was going down on somebody. I mean those are the two options. I’m saying Kristen Stewart was going down on “somebody” and not “some dude” because I keep an open mind and allow my mind to often think liberally about Kristen Stewart going down on both men and women alike. Seriously, people, it’s 2013 – there are lesbians and it’s about time you just think about people having lesbian relations. And, I’m sure chicks with long hair do the hair tie thing before going down on other chicks instead of just dudes. I mean, they should. It gets messy down there regardless of who you’re going down on and you don’t want your hair in that. That’s a pro-tip. Chicks with hair ties… they’re prepared to go downtown.

Outside of the boobs, the knotted scoop beater, the genie pants, the fantasy of Kristen Stewart orally satisfying both genders… am I wrong or do Kristen Stewart’s arms look a little buffer? Generally speaking, I believe Kristen Stewart has needed and will need help opening any jar ever… but they looks a little bigger than usual. Maybe she can pop a Snapple cap now. That’d be a step up than what I usually think she can or cannot accomplish with her tiny-ness.

So, yeah, Kristen Stewart’s boobs are looking a little bigger, which is cool.

This movie? Oh yeah, that will be garbage. I’m sorry, but there is no way “Camp X-Ray” is going to be good. That’s a pretty bad premise and everything for a movie.

I’ve got some good ideas for movies for Kristen Stewart… easily my favorite is Kristen Stewart as Helen Keller and Anna Kendrick as Anne Sullivan and they’re emotional and, obviously, sexual relationship and how it unfolded over the years. OR an approximation of that set-up with Kristen Stewart an emotionally distressed young woman who comes out of her cocoon of mental anguish into a freeing butterfly happiness love of life state through the guidance and help of Anna Kendrick as well as the loving and passionate sponge baths the two provide for each other every other scene in the movie. That’s my favorite idea.

If I’m being honest, I’m pretty sure all my movie ideas involve Kristen Stewart beginning an open, graphic, and spiritually awakening lesbian affair. I’m just here to support the gays as well as women in film. Sue me.

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