SPRING BREAKERS sucked and did it suck on purpose

August 28, 2013

Hello.

Yesterday, I watched the movie SPRING BREAKERS, which was pretty awful.

No, I was not awed or disgusted by the “hedonism” or the “destroying of idols” or what have you. I was disgusted at the lack of logic or connecting dialogue. I was awed at how people gave this good reviews for being a nonsensical mess unto itself.

Listen, I am a reasonable guy. I am a reasonable straight guy. I like looking at Ashley Benson in a bikini. I do. I really do. Also, I like looking at Ashley Benson in a bikini and a ski mask with a unicorn on it shooting a gun. I like that. I GET that. I understand the contrast. I understand the contrast not in just that she’s a beautiful girl in a bikini, but that it is an actress who was formerly a child star who now is an early 20’s star and how we’re now lusting after a former innocent child, former innocent child star, and all we want to do is watch her big boobs undulate in a bikini. I get all of that. I get the idea of showing young people going to “spring break” as the utopia of former innocence turned to sexual and/or deplorable perversion. I get that that has also been taught to the upcoming youth of today as an ideal. We want to go to spring break, we want to do drugs, we want to have sex, we want to desecrate ourselves physically and mentally because we’ve been taught by TV, movies, and music videos that this is what we should do. I get it, Harmony Korine. I fucking get it.

What I don’t get… is why the fuck the 4 girl main characters don’t recognize James Franco when he bails them out of prison when only a scene or two early they SAW HIM IN CONCERT AND WERE SINGING ALONG TO HIS SONG?!

If you want to watch this movie and only focus on the colors and the tits and ass then I think you are falling into the trap that Harmony is setting – knowingly or unknowingly. Generally speaking, I don’t want to give Harmony – the director/writer – that much credit for what I’m about to say because I just thought the movie was bad and he’s the one who made it … AND if his reasoning was to make a bad movie and pass it off as art to see if critics would give it a passing grade as art to only prove how whacked in the head people really are… THAT’S SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT.

That’s where I’m at with this movie…

Did Harmony Korine make a movie under the guise of being artistic in the way I described earlier… to only really point out how fucking stupid movie critics are that they would believe that and give him a good review for a movie that is essentially a terrible movie all about showing Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens acting slutty in bikinis?

That would be insane if that’s the point of the movie. It would also still be a bad movie with its only real redeeming moments being shots of Selena Gomez in a bikini. I guess one could get a chuckle imagining Harmony getting a chuckle that he convinced critics to say such glowing things about a movie that is all about showing how nice Vanessa Hudgens’ butt looks in a bikini.

And I’m one to believe that he didn’t make a bad movie to prove that critics could like a bad movie under the ruse that it is art.

I AM one to believe that he did make a movie that was supposed to be the art that the critics believe it is and in that he made a bad movie out of a 5 minute music video idea.

The “discussion” over what does “Spring Breakers” mean is pretty non-existent. I’ve seen people’s theories, but their theories are jamming a square peg into a round hole. The movie doesn’t follow any form of logic from scene to scene and it comes to a conclusion that is supposed to be “dream-like” while the movie’s voice over is literally saying “like in a dream” over and over and over again BECAUSE THIS MOVIE SUCKED AND IT’S SO IN YOUR FACE BAD THAT THERE’S A CHANCE THE GUY DID IT ON PURPOSE JUST TO SEE IF POSITIVE REVIEWS WOULD PROPAGATE SO HE COULD CHUCKLE AT WHAT IDIOTS EVERYONE IS.

What good director or storyteller needs to beat it into your head that the following is a dream-like sequence by literally having the the voice over say “like in a dream” and then proceed to have a sequence that is clearly a dream-like sequence with unlimited bullets out of our heroine’s guns and bad guys inability to fire back and getting away with it all like you’re playing a videogame on God mode? That’s fucking shoddy filmmaking.

Or what about Selena Gomez’s character who goes to church and has faith in God being named… YOU GUESSED IT… Faith. SERIOUSLY?! If that’s how it fucking played out in that “Mortal Instruments” movie, film critics would rake that movie over the coals. The only character with “faith” is Faith. UGH. Fucking let me barf for a second.

The movie is bad because it’s bad. Not because it is “shocking”. It’s fucking far from shocking.

Do you know what’s not shocking? Seeing Vanessa Hudgens in a bikini and a threeway sex scene in a movie. You know what possibly was shocking? The fact that you never see her naked and she’s clearly wearing pasties over her nips because pretty much anyone who actually does sit down and watch this movie HAS SEEN HER FUCKING FULL FRONT NAKED. The “shockingness” of this movie is that it’s not more shocking. The sex scene between Ashley Benson, James Franco, and Vanessa Hudgens could probably air on TNT no problem. Cable TV should have no problem showing them in the pool stacked like a wet Oreo with Franco as the cream and the two blondes as the cookie and them sealed to Franco, so there’s absolutely no technical nudity.

What else isn’t shocking about this movie? The violence. None of it is shocking. It’s not even graphic. The truly most violent scene in the movie is the robbery of the chicken restaurant in the first 1/3rd of the movie where the girls are smashing cups and tables and a cash register with a hammer while screaming fuckity fuck fuck fuck. The stuff with guns later in the movie when they’re supposed to be these gangster killers? Any episode of “Sons of Anarchy” is a billion times more violent.

What else?

How about Selena Gomez’s big R rated feature? Right?! She probably did so much crazy… let me spare you for a moment because Selena Gomez does nothing in this movie outside of cry and watch others do mildly crazy stuff. Selena’s character Faith is boring and filled to the brim with contradictions. Some could argue this is because Harmony intended it to be this way, while I’ll contest that it’s just sloppy writing to fill the time between shot of her in a bikini. I mean I imagine Harmony had to script some of this movie to get people to sign on for it. I’m sure he didn’t sell the movie to Selena as a movie about her in a bikini taking bong rips. I’m guessing he said the character had emotional depth and an inner turmoil and all that. That latter stuff is nonsense because her character is idiotic and, in my opinion, racist.

Is Selena Gomez’s character Faith simply racist? Selena wants to go to spring break – sometimes it seems uncertain why because her character is a walking contradiction from scene to scene from being a goody two shoes to enjoying cocaine, so I don’t know if that’s the point … whether it is or isn’t – why would you connect with this girl or her frustrations? But back to the racism, Selena is completely cool with drinking, smoking, drugging, and having strange white frat dudes grind on her and treat her like a piece of meat. BUT! When James Franco shows up looking gangster and having black friends who would like to drink, smoke, do drugs, and grind up on her then all of a sudden she’s scared and not having fun. Is that the point? Possibly. That also makes her racist. It’s ok if white frat boys try to quasi gang rape me, but not ok if black guys do it?

There’s Harmony’s wife, Rachel’s, character whose name is Cotty who may or may not have any dialogue in this movie outside of “you’re never getting this pussy”. She disappears for stretches of the film, which is funny because there are not many characters in this movie, so it’s tough to simply disappear. There’s a good stretch of the movie where she’s just asleep. Yep. When she does wake-up, it’s to get shot in the arm in an unbelievably short and stupid scene where a gun goes off and it appears to hit nothing and she just yells out I’ve been shot kind of. In the next scene, Franco removes the bullet from the wound – because his character knows how to do that and/or has the equipment to do that – and does so in some like abandoned building even though he has a big house filled with drugs/money/guns that he could take her too. He also doesn’t stitch her wound and instead just wraps it in an ace bandage because that’s how bullet holes in an arm works.

What about James Franco’s two twin buddies who do nothing in the movie except for be introduced? Where the hell do they disappear to when Franco needs them?

Pretty much any “plot” point in the movie is rife with confusion.

The bad guy who is introduced an hour into the movie is played by rapper Gucci Mane. When he is introduced, James Franco and him mention at least 6000x that they used to be friends and now they are not. WE FUCKING GET IT. The funny thing is – that doesn’t even matter in the movie. That doesn’t change anything that happens, but it’s the only thing they mention and it doesn’t help the movie at all. Literally, Franco could have said, “we need to kill that black guy just because I say so” and the movie would have been exactly the same and the characters wouldn’t have reacted any differently at all.

So, Gucci Mane doesn’t like James Franco anymore and vice versa for whatever completely useless reason. In that scene, Gucci tells Franco that Franco should stick to robbing spring breakers because that’s what white gangster do. Franco is like, “I’ll do what I want”. And the very next scene, Franco proceeds to rob spring breakers. The very next scene after that, Gucci tells his people that Franco has overstepped his bounds and now they have to kill him. WHAT?! By the way, when Gucci does run into Franco – he doesn’t kill him. He has his androgynous sidekick fire off his/her gun at Franco’s car, which hits Cotty in the arm and nothing else. The car, by the way, is a Camaro that the four are squeezed into. Whatever. It was stupid.

Are there any redeeming moments in the movie minus the girls in bikinis?

Well, if you wanted to see James Franco give a gun a blowjob then yes. The scene where Franco gives a blowjob to a gun was one of the best in the movie, honestly. It really did show for a minute how crazy his character was. Later, his character is crazy in a sense like he just commits suicide crazy and not like he’s such a hedonist crazy that the blowjob scene suggests. Franco’s speech moments before the blowjob about all of his “shit” is good. It’s really just one scene that Harmony chopped up to try and produce like 3 or 4 scenes out of because clearly there wasn’t a long shooting schedule for this movie. Most of the movie seems to be a few scenes that they chop up and go back to over and over again to fill out a barely 90 minute movie. I’m not even sure the movie is 90 minutes without credits.

I’m at over 2000 words at this point, so I’ll wrap it up…

The first 50 minutes of the movie are skippable as far as plot goes. The next 35 minutes of the movie with Franco as a key character really don’t need any of the first 50 minutes. In essence, I think the “movie” is the last 35 minutes when the girls meet James Franco. The first 50 minutes are struggling to put together a first act that has absolutely no point whatsoever on the rest of the movie. By the way, not that Selena Gomez is “bad” in the movie, but her character is worthless and when she exits is when Franco starts to takeover and with that her character could be completely chopped from the movie.

I think the movie is/was an excuse to film what it filmed for the sake of filming it because it’s “counter-culture”. Having Ashley Benson, Vanessa Hudgens, and Selena Gomez drinking Jim Beam in a parking lot while singing Britney Spears’ “Baby Hit Me One More Time” is amusing, but far from provocative and far from art with anything more than superficial meaning. The funny thing is that Britney Spears’ song “Baby Hit Me One More Time” in and of itself is more pervasive than this movie and this movie is just as shallow as Harmony seemingly believes the children who grew up listening to Britney Spears are.

If the point was to show these former Disney princesses in this unholy manner then any article about Lindsay Lohan over the past 4 years or Amanda Bynes over the past couple is way more mind-blowing than this movie.

If the point was to show the idiocy of movie critics buying something that isn’t artsy as artsy then thumbs up, but then it’s admittedly a bad movie.

Thanks for the memories of James Franco with cornrows blowing a gun and the near endless shots of those 4 chicks in their bikinis.

4 Responses to “SPRING BREAKERS sucked and did it suck on purpose”

  1. Just say Spring Breakers and sorry as hell I did. But your commentary about the racist quality of Selen Gomez’s character Faith is really soft. Who she was rejecting was a white wannabe pimp who bailed she and her friends out of jail for not apparent reason. Then he goes on to discuss double penetration while at a public park. All of this white “pimp’s” friends are white. I think what Faith was responding to was the clear signs of danger present, and made evident in the movie as it progressed. To call it “racist” is a bit of a cop out and an oversimplification.

    • Jack said

      Her* and her friends. Nice job trying to have correct grammar, incorrectly.

    • This movie DID suck. said

      I forget all the time that Selena Gomez isn’t “white”…. So it hardly seemed racist to me. I promise anyone that didn’t know that was Selena Gomez thought she was white too.

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