August 29, 2013

Well then… EH-LOW… you fucking fuckable sons and daughters of bitches!

It’s Thursday, which means we’ve almost survived another week on this spinning rock known to us as Claptwozakistan.

Wait, what? You fucking fuckable sons and daughters of bitches don’t call it Claptwozakistan? Weird. I guess you call it “Earth” like a bunch of morons, but beautiful and sexy and dumps like a truck driven by AnnaSophia Rubb…

Look at the glorious butt on that one!

Jeez, Louise… who is this Louise woman that I’m looking at butt pictures of AnnaSophia Robb with? How did Louise get in this house?!

So, AnnaSophia Robb is more like AnnaNickiMinaja Robb, AM I RIGHT?!

This is a photo from AnnaSophia Robb’s (tough for me to not write out the whole name) show “The Carrie Diaries”, which is the prequel to “Sex and the City”… which I always want to write “Sex in the City”.

Are you telling me that that butt grows up to be Sarah Jessica Parker?

Or… are you telling me that that girl grows up to be SJP and the butt departs at some point? That’s a harrowing horror story if I’ve ever heard of one.

And… since I saw “The Way Way Back”… are you telling me that that butt wants to sleep and/or be friends with the main kid who is clearly suffering from a debilitating form of Aspergers and being a complete pussy?

Either way… one more shot of the butt and then onto the movies….

Good gracious!

I’m not sure about AnnaSophia Robb herself… but…

AnnaSophia Robb’s butt wants IT.

Let’s be honest here, am I the only one that almost can hear an angel singing when you look at that butt? I think I hear something. It could be the wanting IT vibrations humming off that butt. I don’t know. I’m a scientist, but this goes slightly beyond my expertise… no wait, it doesn’t. Yes, that butt and the angels are making noise – praise the Lord, glory to all Allah and so forth for that butt.

Well done to everyone involved in the creation of that masterpiece.


If you were unaware, September is affectionately known as “dump month” in the movie industry. It’s where Hollywood releases movies that they feel they should release, but they’re not good enough to release during any peak months, so they all collectively drop them off in September. With that being said, that’s kind of an old adage of Hollywood and in reality bad movies come out all 12 months of the year and this month is really just another bad movie month. It’s more appropriate at this point to name the months that Hollywood puts movies out that they have faith in. Like December where they expect a lot of those movies to contend for Oscars. And at the same time, I can think of movies like “Drive” and “50/50” that came out in September of the same year and were two of the best movies by far that came out that year, so it ain’t science or art or anything.

Whatever… let’s check out the dumps!

A TEACHER – It’s the harrowing story of a hot blonde chick teacher, Diana, just banging the hell out of the luckiest boy in the world, Eric. It’s supposed to be a drama and I guess like a “Law & Order” story it’s ripped from the headlines because this has been happening a lot. Not in my life. I never got to sleep with any of my hot teachers. But you win some and you lose some. This is supposed to be a drama, but I’m sure it’s not that dramatic if you take a second to think about it. It’s like, hey Diana stop fucking that high school kid. And it’s like, hey Eric this is the best your life might get, so hold onto it by the horns.

ADORE – This is the Robin Wright and Naomi Watts MILF movie. MILF MOVIE!!!! They’re best friends and they end up fucking each other’s son and shit gets weird between them. Honestly, I hadn’t seen the trailer of this until recently and I was blown away by it being set in Australia with their rich and luxurious and sonorous Australian accents. I was not expecting that at all and it was hard to reconcile. The movie is also quite dramatically cheesy … and they have Australian accents. So picture an Australian soap opera… about hot moms fucking the other’s son. That’s what it is about. I don’t know how good this movie will be as a serious watch, but I was absolutely loving the trailer for comic possibilities. I would love to watch this movie in a soldout theater in Philadelphia and let the amazing one-liners roll in from their wonderfully comedicly timed black people residents.

They fucking hit the nail on the head with the two women they should have cast as both hot fucking MILFS and at the same time look enough like each other where it feels like incest. Robin Wright has always been a good looking woman, but nowadays she’s fucking killing it. And Naomi Watts is a vision and a dream and she has lovely breasts with squarish nipples which Sean Penn graphically sucks on in the movie “21 Grams”.

HELL BABY – Actually very funny comedians making horror comedies is a brilliant idea. Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant from “Reno 911” wrote and directed this with a great cast of comedic actors with Ken Marino as the lead I believe. This is a wonderful idea.

POPULAIRE – I feel like I’ve written about this before… It’s a French rom-com set during the days of the typewriter or something. Either way, it has Romain Duris in it as the male lead and I’m a big big big fan of Mr. Duris. He is/was the lead in one of my favorite movies of all-time “The Beat That My Heart Skipped”. Duris is a solid actor and this probably has its moments. So, whatever… see it. Go see “The Beat That My Heart Skipped” and after that if you love Duris as much or similarly as I do then go watch his slate of French rom coms.

RIDDICK – Did anyone want to see the movie “Pitch Black” remade by Vin Diesel, but done horribly? Well, here you go. It’s arguably the exact same plot as “Pitch Black” with Vin playing Riddick again and this time the movie will be horrible and a flop as opposed to “Pitch Black” which was a surprisingly good sci-fi/horror movie that people imagined could have sequels that would be worthwhile and sadly has had two other movies in the franchise and one was awful and the other is this movie which looks worse than awful.

SALINGER – A documentary about J.D. Salinger with some incredibly famous writers, directors, actors… let’s just some incredibly famous artists and it’s probably great. Probably will catch this on Netflix at some point. Netflix is excellent with documentaries. There are actually a ton of documentaries coming out in September, so… look ’em up or whatever.

TOUCHY FEELY – I definitely wrote about this one too. I think I wrote about movies that showed in the last Sundance film festival and this and Populaire were from that. So… it’s an indie comedy about a family that is all sorts of quirky and Ellen Page is in it. It’s probably cute, it’s probably got a tenuous storyline, it probably ends abruptly, it’s probably got some good music in it, and overall you’ll kind of forget that you’ve seen it until someone mentions it or unless you really think about what movies you’ve seen and then you’ll be like “ahhh, yeah I saw this movie… it was cute”. That’s what indie movies are most of the time.

WINNIE MANDELA – Spoiler alert! They get a divorce. Am I right?! They do get a divorce, but they probably stop the movie much earlier than that. It’s Jennifer Hudson playing Nelson Mandela’s wife Winnie and telling her side of marriage, struggle, and life with one of the most famous men of the 20th century.

AND WHILE WE WERE HERE – Kate Bosworth… still acting. Good for her. I don’t know anything about this movie and nor will you.

THE FAMILY – I can really tell why this movie was put in “dump month”. You’ve probably seen commercials for it because I know I have. It’s Robert DeNiro and Michelle Pfeiffer seemingly teaching their kids how to be vicious mobsters like they are in this action comedy that no one in the right mind would ever spend 5 seconds watching. Seriously, this looks awful. Robert De Niro is a great actor and Robert De Niro has made a ton of shit films that no one should ever watch. This is one of those it appears. It’s also directed by Luc Besson who at one time was a very good/great director, but I’m guessing this one kind of slipped from his fingertips. If it’s a good movie then I’ll be shocked. It looks terrible.

INSIDIOUS CHAPTER 2 – Horror movies, right? If you saw the first then you’ll probably see this one or at least that’s what they hope. It’s a horror movie. If you see them then you see it; if you don’t see them then you don’t. Whatever. Let’s move on.

JAYNE MANSFIELD’S CAR – Billy Bob Thornton, right? That’s a blast from the past. Well, he’s directing this movie with a well-known cast of actors like Kevin Bacon and Robert Duvall. I hope Robert Duvall never dies by the way. I also hope if Robert Duvall does die… IF… that he’s made like 15 films that just keep coming out year after year after his death and people keep asking if he’s alive or not. Like he’s the Tupac of old white man actors. Anyway… this movie is not about Jayne Mansfield or her car I think. I think it’s about a family and them all in-fighting. Jayne Mansfield on the other hand was a gorgeous blonde with big boobs who made children with a strongman and was eventually decapitated in a car wreck. So… yeah.

PLUSH – Catherine Hardwicke? Really? Why? STOP! It’s about a young hot chick fucking some dude and then that dude probably tries to kill her. Not seeing it. Neither are you. Unless you’re like 15. You might see it if you’re 15 and have an Amazon Prime account or something.

A SINGLE SHOT – This sounds like it could be promising. Sam Rockwell is a hunter who shoots at a deer, but hits and kills a young woman who had a pile of cash with her. He uses the money to help hire a lawyer in his own life for his divorce, but then he finds out that that money belonged to bad criminals. Anyway… sounds like a Coen Brothers movie along the lines of “A Simple Plan” or “Fargo” without the comedy. Could be good.

BATTLE OF THE YEAR 3D – Sawyer from “Lost” and Chris Brown from beating-up Rhianna will lead a bunch of young dancers into a global dance battle competition… NEED I SAY MORE?!

ENOUGH SAID – The last movie or anything that James Gandolfini made. It’s also just another fucking piece of work from Gandolfini made where he is the love interest for a woman who is grossly more attractive than Gandolfini ever was even while wearing a Ryan Gosling mask. So in this movie, Gandolfini is the love interest for Julia Louis Dreyfus which is fucking fucktastic ass shit crazy. A woman who has the Robin Wright disease of always being attractive and turning into a gorgeous MILFy woman as we all age together. On top of that… Catherine Keener is supposed to be Gandolfini’s EX. ARE WE LEAVING IN CRAZY TOWN OR WHAT?! Anyway, RIP Gandolfini. You were a talent and this movie might be decent if you can get past the ludicrousness that either of those women would have ever wanted his dirty fingers near their vagina.

PARKLAND – Women were touching their own vaginas when this trailer debuted a week or two ago because Zac Efron is in it. It’s a drama about the JFK assassination with Zac Efron in it and who cares? Right? Why would you see this movie unless you’re planning on adding the Zac Efron material to your spank bank? If that’s the case then see this movie. If not then it’s probably skippable. Also, it’s a first time director, which means who knows, but probably means this movie was a little overboard for a first time director. Whatever. See it, don’t see it. I’m not seeing it.

PRISONERS – This movie must be bad. Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhall in a dump month movie together. Wow. It must be really unwatchable. I just want to mention that Terrence Howard is in that movie and Terrence Howard was in 5 movies this year including this one and is possibly in 3 more that will get released this year. WHAT THE HELL, right? And none of them are the sequel to “Hustle & Flow”.

RUSH – This looks baaaaaaaad. Again, if you are seeing this movie because you frequently or sporadically masturbate about Chris Hemsworth then I guess you should see this movie. I mean you don’t have to see this movie. But you could. Outside of that, it’s incredibly skippable because this movie looks so bad it make hurt your brain physically to watch it.

THANKS FOR SHARING – I haven’t watched the trailer yet, but it’s a movie about getting over sex addiction and it’s main is Mark Ruffalo and there’s a scene where Gwyenth Paltrow does a strip tease. So, you know… go see this movie for that or possibly just rewatch “Shallow Hal” and watch a 12 years younger Gwyenth Paltrow do a strip tease. It’s supposed to be a comedy by the way. I’m sure it’s got some cutes, but whatever. See it don’t see it.

AS I LAY DYING – James Franco directed/starring adaptation of the uplifting William Faulker book about a family moving its dead mother’s body from one part of the 1930’s destroyed country to another. I’m sure this movie will be slow and possibly painstaking to watch and you’ll also be screaming at the TV – JUST WASH YOURSELF, YOU’RE COVERED IN DIRT!!!! But who knows, it could be good. It could also be terrible. I don’t know. I don’t see the future, yet.

BAGGAGE CLAIM – It’s not a Tyler Perry movie, but it certainly looks like one with Paula Patton in a romantic comedy about a gorgeous woman having an incredibly difficult time finding the right man, am I right… ugh. Hire ugly people to play this role at some point. Paula Patton is gorgeous as mentioned, so she’s not having trouble finding a man. If the movie was about her finding the “right” man meaning like a guy who is filthy rich and at the same time not a total douche bag who won’t treat her as a trophy wife then sure, but Paula Patton playing a stewardess who needs to go re-date her ex’s is ridiculous. She fucking Paula Patton. I bet she could walk into a Corvette show room and drive off the lot without anything more than a wink and a smile and all the blood would rush out of the car dealers’ heads and into their engorged genitals and they’d pass out and die and she’d have a new Corvette.

CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2 – It’s for people who saw blah blah blah 1.

DON JON – Honestly, the one clip I saw of Joseph Gordon Levitt bringing Scarlett Johansson home for dinner and his dad is played by Tony Danza and his dad won’t stop talking about how fucking hot Scarlett is is a good scene. It’s pretty hilarious. I’m not sure what the rest of this movie is going to be like. It seems like JGL has taken Michael Fassbender’s “Shame” and removed all the “Running Man” and incest and sadness and replaced it with a “Saturday Night Fever” and “Jersey Shore” Italian American New Yorker vibe. So, maybe. I don’t know. I’ve heard mixed reviews about it. Either way, I never thought in a million years when I watched “3rd Rock from the Sun” that I would ever be motherfucking so fucking motherfucking jealous of JGL, but here I am. This guy is beloved nowadays and is simply running through spectacular dream girl esque love interests in his movies and then comes out on the otherside as a likeable down to Earth guy who has credibility. How did he do that?! I want to hate him so much, but I can’t. If he filthily bangs Scarlett in this movie, I’ll watch it between my fingers like it’s a horror movie.

METALLICA THROUGH THE NEVER – Metallica’s music sodomizes other music. I’ve been a Metallica fan since an early age and I’ll admit they’ve had plenty of missteps, but they’ve put out some of my favorite music ever. “Master of Puppets” is still easily one of my favorite albums of all time and just cannot hate these guys no matter how toolish they seem. This movie? I got no idea what it’s about. It’s part concert footage, part narrative movie. It’s weird and odd, but I’ll watch it at some point. Got to.

THERESE – Did you ever say to yourself you wanted to watch Elisabeth Olsen fuck Oscar Isaac in like a romantic way? Then see this movie! That’s all it is about. It’s this French girl who is going to speak English and she has an affair with Oscar and they’ll probably have sex in a field of lilies or something. If that appeals to you. Oh, I totally see them kissing in the rain. Yeah, that happens. They’ll kiss in the rain. They’ll also kiss in that way where they’re so desperate to kiss each other where it’s not lip and tongue play – it’s just smashing of faces and snorts. That will happen. You’ll also for a minute be like isn’t Elisabeth Olsen like 12, but then you’ll be like no she’s legal because she shows her boobs quite a bit for an actress who just showed up yesterday. That’ll happen at some point.


That’s September.



  1. tiffanized said

    The first two movies sounded a lot alike. I started to think maybe all the movies coming out in September were older women-younger men themed. Happy birthday to me. Only I don’t approve of teacher-student happenings. But bring on sex with friends’ adult sons, that’s the idea of the century.

    Once again, I won’t see any of these. I’ll Netflix Adore eventually to watch it in the privacy of my own room with the door locked.

  2. You called her AnnaSophia RUBB. Excellent.

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