Good new week to everyone!

Besides the Pittsburgh Steelers trying to rip out my soul or the “Breaking Bad” finale, which will leave an indelible mark on what’s left of the previously mentioned soul… I had a pretty good weekend.

Danielle and I made it out of the house to go see DON JON, which I think we both thoroughly enjoyed.

The good and the bad of the Don Jon? Well, I’ll start with the bad because there’s not much to speak of. The movie is a little clunky and the ending is abrupt. The ending is incredible abrupt. The movie kind of just ends. And, I’m not really all that negative about the ending being as abrupt as it was because the movie already had expressed its view point earlier and there was pretty much zero confusion of what the movie’s moral or philosophy that it wanted to push on you was, so the ending was a little superfluous. It was abrupt and could have been done better and, certainly, kind of makes it feel like the end of a TV episode as opposed to a movie, but as mentioned I think they already got their point across earlier, so the ending wasn’t the climax.

The movie is also a little clunky. Some scenes don’t transition together as good as I guess they could have. It doesn’t feel seamless. It makes the movie feel like a “collection of scenes”, which is seemingly a negative and that obtuse observation is supposed to be, but it really doesn’t ruin the movie at all.

As for the good… EVERYTHING ELSE.

I really liked all the characters and I liked all the scenes. After each scene, I thought, “that was a good scene”. From beginning to end, that’s how I felt. I’ve sat in theaters like for ELYSIUM and SKYFALL where I sat and watched and after every scene I thought, “That was a bad scene. I wonder if the next scene will be good.” And it never was. The reverse happened in Don Jon. Scene to scene, I enjoyed each one. I liked the message they were trying to get across, I thought it was clever or well constructed, and none of it felt forced.

As for the actors, everyone does a great job. I think Joseph Gordon Levitt nails it as a more likable version of The Situation. The way he talks, what he say, how he dresses… it’s all great. Scarlett Johansson as an upgraded version of Sammi Sweetheart is incredible. I think they did a great job with Scarlett balancing her character of Barbara Sugarman between being the perfect trophy wife and completely unbearable. As much as the movie was from Don Jon’s perspective, they did a great job cluing you in on how Scarlett’s Barbara viewed the world in her own insane way.

The supporting cast was wonderful with Tony Danza playing the most and least Tony Danza like role ever. He’s pretty much evil Tony Danza and it’s great. Glenne Headly is perfect as Danza’s wife and Jon’s mom. And Julianne Moore pretty much kills it as the hot older broad who is a real life hot older broad. And, Rob Brown and Jeremy Luke are amazing as Jon’s friends.

I don’t want to give too much away, but the movie is kind of like BULL DURHAM with JGL as Tim Robbins and Julianne Moore as Susan Sarandon. By the way, Bull Durham has one of the most awkward endings ever. There’s no Kevin Costner character in Don Jon, so it’s really a story about a young man being taught some life lessons by older pus… an older lady. Hahahah… good movie.

I’d certainly recommend it. Especially, if you like JGL or anyone else in the movie. Also, if you’re perhaps 40 and over and harbor wet dreams for the former 3rd Rock from the Sun co-star then you should REALLY see the movie.

NOW!!!!

Let’s move onward and possibly upward, probably downward, and some plateau-ward with…

OCTOBER’S MOVIES!!!!!

12 YEARS A SLAVE – Oscar bait! Well, Steve McQueen (the director, not the dead actor) is at it again with Michael Fassbender and a movie that will no doubt be nominated for a bunch of awards. The movie is a true story about a free black man from New York in pre-Civil War times played by Chiwetel Ejiofor and he is abducted and sold into slavery and seemingly is held cruelly as a slave in the South for 12 years. The movie is about survival and dignity and hope and will probably be nominated for everything when the Oscars roll around. Also, seems like a movie we’ll all cry during and feel terrible about ourselves because in the end I think a Canadian Brad Pitt saves Chiwetel. And does anyone feel good about themselves when a Canadian is the hero?

No.

ALL IS LOST – Did you ever say to yourself… I would like to see the last hour of CAST AWAY, but with a clothed Robert Redford instead? Well, happy days! I doubt I’ll ever see this movie.

CARRIE – Have you heard of the first movie Carrie? Well, it’s getting remade. So there’s that. What the fuck else is there to say? The grown up girl who played Hit-Girl is Carrie and Julianne Moore is the mom and you already know what happens in this movie.

ESCAPE PLAN – Once called “The Tomb”, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger ditch the expendable Expendables’ crew and make a movie about a prison escape. The trailers look terrible as Sly says his job is to break out of prisons. NO ONE’S JOB IS TO BREAK OUT OF PRISONS! Either way, this will suck and some people will see it, but no where near the amount of people they’re hoping for, but who cares because they’ll sell this crap to Netflix and to TBS and CINEMAX and they’ll recoup whatever investment they put into it and make another crappy movie in a year or two.

THE FIFTH ESTATE – Wasn’t it like yesterday the WikiLeaks thing even happened? I don’t really know how this movie was made so quickly or why it was made at all considering a documentary about the situation seems like that would be much more reasonable, BUT we have Benedict Cumberbatch looking 10x creepier than he usually does as Julian Assange. So, if you feel like trying to empathize with a dude who looks like an a-typical sexual serial killer and/or with Daniel Bruhl (who? I don’t know) in a terrible looking fake mustache and fake beard then go ahead. I’ll most likely never see any more of this movie than I already have by watching the trailer once and holding a look on my face like I was smelling the worst fart in history.

KILL YOUR DARLINGS – Meh. It’s a movie about murder and Kerouac and I don’t care. There is something so unappealing about these movies “about” these great authors. Just read their books. That’s it. All these movies that have been made about Kerouac all seem stupid. I haven’t even sat through “On the Road” yet, but Lord knows it’s not going to hold up to the book in any way and seriously the only reason really to watch it is to see Kristen Stewart’s nipples the few times they show up. I don’t want to see Garrett Hedlund stumble through as Nick Cassidey. And I don’t want to see Radcliffe playing Ginsberg way more than I didn’t really want to see Franco as Ginsberg in “Howl”. Anyway… you see it. I probably won’t.

PARADISE – I think most of us thought Diablo Cody was going to be the biggest and now she’s like a Jeopardy question punchline. This is her latest and directorial debut about Julianne Hough moving to Las Vegas for some reason and she becomes friends with Russell Brand and Octavia Spencer for some greater unknown reason and it’s all PG-13 for some unexplainable reason. This probably won’t even make it into theaters.

BLUE IS THE WARMEST COLOR – NC-17… WOOOO!!! Well, I guess I have to ask you one question – do you like French lesbians? Because that is really the beginning and end of this movie. If you’re into French lesbians then this movie might be the Oscar winning film of your life time. If you don’t like French lesbians then you should probably just accept you’re alone and joyless because WHO DOESN’T LIKE FRENCH LESBIANS!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? Anywhatzzle… Only the French could really get away with making a movie about a 15 year old girl having a lesbian love affair with a late 20’s year old blue haired model. The 15 year old was played by like an 18 year old, so it’s legal if you’re worried and the model is played by model turned actress Lea Sexdoux. So, those are your French lesbians and the movie is them having seemingly pretty much real life lesbian sex with each other. I’m not sure if this is a marketing ploy as much as the cry for help as they intended, but recently the two actresses were throwing the director of the movie under the bus about his mistreatment of them by forcing them to have more graphic lesbian sex for hours on end. Honestly, that is how the movie should be marketed more than pushing the story. Sounds pretty promising, right?

THE COUNSELOR – Crime and gangsters and drama and Michael Fassbender and directed by Ridley Scott and written by Cormac McCarthy. The movie looks awful serious and possibly quite good. I hope it is quite good. I love McCarthy and Javier Bardem and Javier Bardem’s insane spiky hair in the previews. It’s got a great cast, it’s about criminals being criminal, and it should be good. It will suck if this is bad because I’m looking forward to it. The trailers are both good and a little underwhelming, but I’m hoping it’s a bit of a sneaker like Jack Reacher. Unintended rhyme.

JACKASS PRESENTS: BAD GRANDPA – Looks hilarious. I hope that the best parts are not the parts in the trailer, but the trailer is brilliant. I have seen it in theaters a number of times now and it never fails to deliver laughs from the audience. The Jackass movies were all great and this seems like a great premise to add to the evolution – if you will – of the Jackass franchise. Looking forward to this.

Lastly…

WILDE SALOME – I really don’t know what to say about this movie other than it’s possibly going to be horrendous or at best super creepy, which could be amazing. This movie will most likely only be found on Netflix or iTunes or whatever. It’s a documentary put together by Al Pacino – yep – about the making of the Oscar Wilde play “Salome” which has been turned into a movie with Al Pacino and Jessica Chastain. So, it’s a documentary made by Pacino about Oscar Wilde, the play “Salome”, the movie “Salome” which Pacino is in with Chastain, and it’s about Jessica Chastain the actress. I have a feeling the documentary may be better than the movie as the documentary has got to be a cluster fuck and possible weirdly creepy as Pacino talks about Chastain.

THAT’S OCTOBER!

Some good, a bunch bad, skippables, and must sees.

Honestly, it’s seemingly one of the better months of movies, so go get yourself some coupons from Costco to go to your nearest AMC theater. OR just get loaded on your couch watching Breaking Bad reruns. I mean either choice is pretty good.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

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Howdy, Friday-ers!

HAPPY WEEKEND! YOU MADE IT!

What is going on?

Well, two WNBA players aka womenz jokingly kissed during a game and a ref called a foul on the both of them. WHAT?! That’s how all the games should be. There should totally be more kissing in the WNBA. And a foul? Seriously! A foul?! With all the European men in the NBA, there’s probably been a million kisses between them and no one has called a foul. So, for fuck’s sake, let the womenz kiss each other all they want. Just ridiculous. I hope they stone that referee.

That’s pretty light-hearted news.

There’s other news like a former football player for Florida A&M who lives in North Carolina lost control of his car at 2:30 am the other day and ran to a house and banged on the door for help and the woman in the house called the cops because she thought she was being robbed and when the cops showed up the 24 year old ran toward the cops and one of the cops shot him 10 times (he shot at him more times, but was accurate with 10 of the bullets, which is pretty fucking accurate), which killed him. Oh, by the way, if you hadn’t sadly guessed it already – the football player was black and the woman was white as well as the cop.

So there’s that too, which is heavy-hearted news.

What else?

DON JON is opening today. It’s the Joseph Gordon Levitt rom-com of sorts with Scarlett Johansson. It looks good. I like the trailers and the interviews I’ve read and I enjoy the premise in general, so I’m hoping to see it and I’m hoping to like it.

I’ve become a JGL fan over the past few years when I wasn’t before and I was kind of rooting to stay that way. I was biased and biased negatively. Although, even with that, I’m always willing to be wrong and have some completely change my opinion of them because it’s not like JGL ruined my parent’s marriage or anything. I just didn’t like “Brick”. You know? Anyway, I watched “3rd Rock from the Sun” and thought it was good, but that was mostly because of Lithgow and Kristen Johnston. I’ve seen a bunch of JGL movies like “Angels in the Outfield”, “Latter Days” – one of the worst movies ever, “The Lookout”, “Brick” as mentioned, “Havoc”, “10 Things I Hate About You” and so on. I never thought much of the guy as an actor and wasn’t impressed by him and with the hype surrounding him – I became a bit of contrarian about Mr. JGL.

It wasn’t until (500) Days of Summer that I really saw a demonstration of his abilities. And I liked what I saw. I like that movie. I understand people’s dislike of it or their gripes with it. I don’t think it’s flawless or anything, but I liked it’s imagination and I thought it was provocative and I thought he was great in it. And Zooey’s certainly very desirable and an unbearable cunt at the same time in that movie, which is seemingly what the role called for. Since then, Hesher, Inception, 50/50, The Dark Knight Rises, and Looper. Were all solid flicks. 50/50 showing off the best of JGL’s abilities, but through and through that’s 5 films in a row that I’ve been thoroughly entertained by. I did see Premium Rush and that sucked, but no one is perfect. Anyway… it wasn’t his fault.

So, I’m looking forward to Don Jon.

OCTOBER MOVIE PREVIEWS

A.C.O.D. – Adam Scott leads a comedy about people who have grown up with comically bad divorced parents. Scott’s younger brother is getting engaged and then married, so he needs to get his parents together for the shenanigans and more shenanigans occur. There are a lot of funny people in the movie like Richard Jenkins, Catherine O’Hara, Amy Poehler, Jane Lynch, and so on, so this could be promising. I’ve also seen some shitty reviews for the movie, but who the fuck knows! I think CEDAR RAPIDS is one of the best comedies I’ve seen in years and I was floored by how good that movie was and is on repeat viewings and that movie got torpedoed by reviews. Meanwhile, critics thought “Ted” about the stuffed animal who talked was hilarious and I watched it and it wasn’t.

ALL IS BRIGHT – There was a movie from several years ago called JUNEBUG, which I’m a big fan on and the person who made that hasn’t made much since until this movie. This is a comedy starring Paul Rudd and Paul Giamatti as Canadian conmen who are going to sell Christmas trees in NYC for quick cash and I guess more stuff happens. Could be good. Could also be too small of a movie to be good. I don’t know. I’m rooting for it.

BAD MILO – I already previewed this movie because it was supposed to come out earlier this year, but now it is coming out in October. It’s still about Ken Marino have a demonic butt baby named Milo. I’ve read some very negative reviews for this saying that it isn’t as funny as one would think it would be with the cast. I don’t know. Who knows! I think Ken Marino is about as talented and funny as actors get, so I guess watch the demonic butt baby movie at your own risk.

GRAVITY – If you don’t know this movie by now then you’ve recently gone through some type of memory removal surgery. It’s the astronaut movie with Sandra Bullock and George Clooney that has been having commercials on every channel ever. Pretty much everyone is blowing this movie like it is The Godfather set in space, so I’m excited. I’m a big fan of the director Alfonso Cuaron to begin with and was already looking forward to it because of that, so hopefully it lives up to all these expectations. I know one thing… it’s in 3D and will be the first movie in at least a year that I’ve gone to in 3D since I swore them off. I will see this in 3D, so Cuaron better fucking bring it!

PARKLAND – It’s got a great cast, but I’m not expecting much from this movie. There have been several JFK assassination movies made and none of them are particularly good including JFK, so I’m not expecting the Zac Efron version of those events to be better. It will be a good transition for Efron into more adult movies that don’t have him in a singing high schooler role, but that’s about it I’m guessing.

RUNNER RUNNER – Not looking forward to this. It looks like a by-the-numbers waste of time. More so, the movie looks like a less interesting and less diverse version of the movie THE COUNSELOR which comes out later this year. Unless you’re dead set on seeing every Justin Timberlake movie in the theaters, I’m guessing this is at least skippable until it arrives on Netflix. From there, possibly get loopy on NyQuil and watch it.

ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE – If you’re into those slasher flicks where a hot chick kills all the people who are seemingly going to rape her or whatever then this is another one of those movies for you. It’s Amber Heard being taken to a secluded ranch by a bunch of guys who want to gang bang her and then the guys start getting murdered. Sounds like a keeper, right?

CAPTAIN PHILLIPS – I didn’t see United 93 and I doubt I will ever see this. I really don’t understand why someone would want to see a recreation of these events, but here we go. The trailers seem to show the whole movie of a movie that you already know the whole story of. The only difference is now you will get to hear the written dialogue between the pirates who get killed by Navy Seal snipers and Tom Hanks with an accent. GREAT, right?

ESCAPE FROM TOMORROW – Sounds very interesting. It’s a guerrilla shot horror movie shot at Disney World. So a bunch of clever folks are going to be running around Disney World acting out a horror movie while secretly filming it without the permission of Disney World. That’s the story, that is what happened. The story is a typical horror kind of story that kind of sounds Shining like about a dad losing it on his family in this surrealist world. So, it’s promising.

GHOST TEAM ONE – It’s a horror comedy about Paranormal Activity for the most part. It looks pretty funny with the same type of scares that Paranormal Activity delivers. If you like that stuff then you should definitely check this out because it looks pretty well made.

MACHETE KILLS – Yeah, don’t see this.

ROMEO & JULIET – I think Hailee Steinfeld was brilliant in “True Grit”, but I’m not sure why we need another R & J movie. It’s got a great cast minus Ed Westwick who sucks. And it’s got Hailee playing Juliet which should be rewarding for her when she wins an MTV Movie Award next year. Right? Vomit.

ZERO CHARISMA – Sounds funny. I haven’t watched the trailer yet, but everyone is loving it. It’s about a group of nerdy guys who play Dungeons & Dragons and the most nerdy of them who plays the dungeon master is threatened when a likable new guy joins the group. If you don’t know what a “dungeon master” is then you probably don’t need to see this. If you do, then you probably do need to see this. I’m on the latter side of things, so at the very least I’ll watch this trailer later today.

So that’s the first half of October.

I’ll finish up with the second half on Monday.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

I hope the Steelers win in London.

I hope this house buying process I’m currently involved in has more good news this weekend.

I hope and I hope and I hope, right?

I love you.

What. Up. All.

I was going to preview October’s movies today, but I saw two videos this morning that are absolutely hilarious and I really don’t have anything else to add besides you should watch both.

The first is the fucking masterpiece…

Honestly, I’d listen to this song without the funny context.

That right there was better musically and visually than half to 90% of the movies I’ve seen or heard about in the past year or so.

And then there’s this…

If you didn’t have a crush on JGL already, I’m sure you do now. And if you already had a crush on him, then you probably wet yourself, the chair your sitting on, and possibly ruined the carpeting all below that.

JGL’s “Don Jon” is coming out on Friday. I’m really getting psyched for that movie some reason.

And, Stephen Merchant has a new TV show starting on HBO on Sunday called “Hello Ladies”, which will be amazing I’m guessing.

I’ll preview the crap October movies tomorrow.

Good morning, happy campers!

Besides everyone bitching about how bad Dexter was and how amazing Breaking Bad is, what else is even going on in the world that isn’t about football? I love writing about football and its idiosyncrasy that seemingly only football has to offer. So… are there any interesting football related stories out there?

I mean off the top of my head there was that story about Cleveland Browns tight end Jordan Cameron having a knockout for a sister named Brynn who played hoops for USC when she attended school there and also got knocked up by USC quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner and NFL bust Matt Leinhart then cut to nowadays – like 6 years later – and Brynn has now copulated with NBA star Blake Griffin.

KA-BOOM!

In conclusion… Brynn Cameron is making a super-race of children!

Seriously, this is what I’ve been motherfucking talking about!!!!!!

I’ve made jokes/observations/wishes in the past that a woman like Maria Sharapova should sincerely give up on dating Euro trash or golfers or whoever and instead eventually breed with a superior gifted human like Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson to see what glorious demi-God would be produced. I’m cool if they’re cool with having good old fashioned smashing genitals sex to do it, but I’m also ok if Calvin just jizzez in a cup and Maria donates some eggos and we make this Herculean child in a lab.

So, I’m all for this. I’m all for Chalize Theron and Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton pumping out a kid together as part of a government or privately funded venture into creating a super race of humans who will then explore the universe defeating or allying with aliens species. I don’t see any downside to this.

Back to the point at hand, Brynn Cameron is already doing this. AND GOD BLESS HER!!

Let’s look at the vital stats…

BRYNN CAMERON

Positives: 5’10”, skilled basketballer in high school and college, college graduate – I believe, hot… Negatives: none?

BABY’S DADDY #1 – MATT LEINART

6’5″, 225 pounds, great college quarterback, Heisman trophy winner, college graduate, hot… Negatives: has flopped thus far in the NFL, referenced on Laguna Beach, but never appeared…

BABY’S DADDY #2 – BLAKE GRIFFIN

6’10”, 250 pounds, probably dunked on every human being he’s met, played college ball for a couple years before going pro, pro-baller 3x All Star, Rookie of the Year, and Dunk Champion, funny, he’s interesting looking (Dude’s got curly red hair, so he and I are blood brothers somewhere down the line)… Negatives: home-schooled until the 8th grade…

What does this all mean?

Something amazing.

Both of the off-spring are boys, so I’m guessing they’ll be genetic freak men just like their dads plus with those genetic freak woman genes of their mom. So, amazing!

Also, I’d like to go back to the aforementioned Brynn’s brother who is also a professional athlete – Jordan Cameron from the Cleveland Browns who is 6’5″, 250 and all that jazz.

And Jordan is currently rumored to be dating supermodel Erin Heatherton.

Good for that guy, right?

I mean who knows if Erin and Jordan will ever make babies together. I’m not sure about any athletic history in her family, but Erin is 5’11” and is paid to look sexy in bikinis, so there are some good genes there.

Watch out for that Cameron family of SoCal because they are making things happen!

I feel sorry for any of the children that will have to play against these super-children in little leagues and most likely have their spirits crushed by them.

KEEP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING BRYNN! I SUPPORT YOU!

TO THE FUTURE!

Hello, hello, hallo!

I didn’t watch a single second of the Emmy awards last night. Instead I watched the second to last episode of possible the greatest TV show ever and I watched my mighty Steelers fumble their way through a game they could have won for the 3rd time in a row. I also almost had a gastric explosion, but I’m cool. And, instead of sleeping or allowing my girlfriend to sleep, we talked into the late hours about how much we love each other, which is frankly a little gay. And we’re straight. You know, so what’s the deal with that. I get kind of sappy when I’m hopped up on Ambien and my football team is eating shit.

So… there’s that.

And here’s a bunch of pictures from the Emmys of really good looking people either looking really good looking or looking terrible for no reason whatsoever!

SHALL WE?!

Professional good looking person Maria Menounos was there!

Julianne Hough was there and looking nonplussed that everyone was staring at her crotch instead of just her boobs.

Mayim Bialik wants to breast feed her children until they get married, which is really the only thing you’ll ever have to know about Mayim Bialik ever. You don’t even to know her name really because if you can just memorize what she looks like then you can simply just walk in the other direction whenever you do unfortunately run across this insane person.

Anna Chlumsky is looking to get laid! And rightly so, I mean you only get a few invites to the Emmys and you might as well look like the fucking sex bomb at those appearances. It’s sad when you stop thinking like that actually. Either way, Anna looks like she’s hunting. Hunting sex.

Heidi Klum kind of scares me. I think she’s absurdly beautiful, but she freaks me out a little like she is actually an alien being who hasn’t truly immersed themselves into normal human life and this dress reinforces the idea that she could be an extraterrestrial.

One of the most popular porn genres is a hot younger chick and a hot older chick tag teaming some lucky guy. I’m just bringing that to your attention. Interesting, right? I thought so. Just thought I would share it. I guess I’ll just put this rando picture of Allison Williams and Julianna Marguiles here. It’s not like this picture if turned into a porno wouldn’t be like the highest grossing porn ever. I’m not saying that or even saying you should fantasize about this picture turning into a porn. I mean… you know.

Bring it! This woman! THIS WOMAN. Seriously. 172 episodes of Seinfeld, 88 episodes of New Adventures of Old Christine, great arcs on Arrested Development and Curb Your Enthusiasm, and 18 episodes of VEEP like a fucking gangster. I don’t care about award shows, but I’m happy she won. And I’m happy that Tony Hale won. They deserve it.

I’m over this. Can we all agree to break-up with Lena Dunham already?

The Wire = Breaking Bad?

No < and no >, but =.

I don’t like Carrie Underwood’s Sunday Night Football rendition. AT ALL. There I said it. Fucking deal with it.

Very talented woman. I feel like Amy Poehler is rare at least to me in that I knew she was talented for years before I knew she was good looking. I loved UCB and they always had Amy dressed up in the most ridiculous and unflattering get-ups. So, all that time, I thought she was hilarious, but never really thought about her being attractive and then she starts working on SNL and she’s this good looking woman. It’s different.

Is that dress like brushed aluminum? So Zooey. Totes Zooey.

Good f’n God! Look at dem Tina tits! Who knows when Tina will be back to the Emmys. I think Tina Fey has the ability of being hilarious, but she has made the most unfunny movies of all time and with that I feel like 30 Rock’s first few seasons feel flukie. I hope not, but for a beautiful and funny woman, she’s struck out in film every time up to the plate, which doesn’t bode well for post-30 Rock. Anyway, she’s fucking killing it in that dress.

Whatever alien race of superior looking human beings Heidi Klum hails from, Padma does as well. I would warm to Padma’s likeness in person like a dusty houseplant to the morning Sun.

I don’t know who Cat Deeley is. I don’t. I’ve seen her interviewed, but I have no clue who she is. I know she’s pretty and she has an accent, but that’s it. I think you’ve all made her up to fuck with me.

He looks old. She looks like her mother.

Remember, this man has mouth cancer from orally pleasing Catherine Zeta Jones cancerous vagina.

Hey, sometimes life isn’t fair. All you can hope is that Kelli’s a lesbian like Melissa Gilbert turned out to be when with Galecki.

Looks like Weekend at Bernie’s. Seriously, is Al Pacino dead? You can tell me if he is. I’ll be sad, but it won’t break me or anything. Also, you really have to question women like this one and what she does with a man who is dead, right? I mean I wouldn’t trust this woman. She has sex with a dead man or is at least comfortable with us all thinking that. I know I’m not comfortable with you thinking that I have sex with dead people. You can quote me on that.

Fuh-huck. Is Robin Wright on HGH? I mean what type of Performance Enhancing Drug is Robin Wright on because she’s 47 and fucking slamming. Rocking a pixie cut better than any bitch half her age.

Hey, Emmys, stop trying to make him John Lithgow. He’s not. The end.

Lena Headey might be wearing clothes, but I can’t see them. I’m just picturing her naked at this point. It’s not difficult. Everything is being pointed out already. It’s really only the nipples you need to think about. I’m guessing hers are dark and tiny. Well, I just looked them up on Google because they are Google-able and they are tiny, but they’re light. They’re pretty similar to Jessica Chastain’s. If you’re like oh you’re being not being fair and talking about her nipples, but not your own… well, mine are definitely bigger than hers and are a light pink. Good?

Lucky Jew bastard. Talented, but still a lucky Jew bastard.

Good looking woman.

Is this yay or nay? I’m kind of liking this on her and I’m kind of not. Am I right, ladies?! I’m turning this into a fashion blog!

I bet she sucks. Both her and her sister. I bet they suck to hang out with. I mean it would be cool to hang out with her if you were hanging out with her at a Giants game and she just huddled in the corner like she’s doing here. I guess it would be cool to hang out with her if you were sleeping with her, but isn’t that like everyone? You can hang out with pretty much anyone if at the end you’re cool with doing them. That’s Confucius shit right there.

She looks unhappier than Kate Mara. Jeez, Rose Byrne! Buck the fuck up. You’re wearing a sports bra at the Emmys. Life ain’t that bad. All though you’ve probably only eaten kale in the past 2 years. Don’t blame me for that.

How many fucking people were at this fucking show?! This gallery goes on forever!!!!

Yikes. Claire Danes won an award looking like this? I feel like I could start a nice life living in those clavicle area skin pockets. Maybe do some renovations and flip them a year or two from now.

Bride of Frankenstein Emilia Clarke. I could’ve swore she had hips, but I see I’m wrong. Also, what is all this nonsense about George R. R. Martin writing women characters SO WELL. I thought everyone was reading these books and if they are reading them then they’d know he’s no better at writing women characters than anyone else. Emilia’s Mother of Dragon’s character Dany? She’s like 15 years old, sold into marriage, raped by her husband, gets sex tips from a whore in her new husband’s gang, bangs her husband so good he stops raping her, leads her husband to ruin, leads her husbands gang to ruin, commits suicide, luckily doesn’t die and instead gets dragons, everyone follows her for her dragons, she leads those people to ruin time and time again, makes decisions based on emotions instead of logic, ends up getting a crush on a guy who looks like her dead husband, bangs him, loses her dragons, tries to kill herself again, one dragon finds her, and there you go. Such an empowering character.

Security risk. I wouldn’t have let this woman into the show. She’s obviously disturbed.

I don’t know what is happening in this Kerry Washington picture, but MAKE IT STOP. Before this moment, the most depressing image of Kerry Washington was her mutilated corpse in Last King of Scotland and this is giving it a run for its money because that was a mannequin they just threw red paint on and this is weirdly real life.

What. I mean I can’t trust this woman because she ate her and her baby’s placenta, but what the eff is she wearing, right? It’s like khaki cylinder and a set of drapes. I would have those drapes in my house. They’re decent looking drapes. The cylinder – no. The woman inside the cylinder? Wouldn’t trust her with anything. She’s a crazy person! She ate placenta!

Yeah, she looks pretty funny.

Looking good, Sarah. Apparently, this is a $60 dress. Kind of proves my theory that these generally beautiful women are all paying tons of money to look bad. They have to pay money to look bad or could show up looking good for almost no money down. Eh, what do I know?! I’m only straight and attracted to women, right? It’s not like I would know if a woman looks good or bad in a ridiculous dress. But I know, it’s not that they’re trying to look sexy all the time. Sometimes women just like dressing up like crazy people. I understand that. Anyway, Sarah Silverman doesn’t get worse looking or less talented ever.

I just photoshop him out with my brain and instead focus on Christina Hendricks seemingly curtseying to show us her phenomenal cleavage. Thanks Christina.

She looks like she’s the worst. Does anyone look like they’ve got any less of a reason of looking depressed than this chick? Seriously, what’s your big deal. What’s so sad for you to look like a person who has had at least a tolerable existence? She’s giving me no reason to believe otherwise that she’s insufferable to be around.

Wonderful. Looks beautiful, turning 61 this year, talented, and steadily working still. Also, her bosom has magical powers that can cure many social disorders. Possibly cure whatever ails idiot face Zosia Mamet up there.

Anna Gunn, killing it. Looks like she wants IT, looks great wanting IT, won an award while looking great while wanting IT.

Carla Gugino should easily be in every make up or anti aging whatever and just call it “beautiful forever” because Carla is/will be or whatever.

Pretty lady with what appears to be a dress boner. Fair enough.

I can only assume that Betsy Brandt and Emilia Clarke went to the same Bride of the undead dress and make-up designer. Looks stupid. Why would she ever want to look like this? Is she apart of a religion that doesn’t allow for mirrors? YOU LOOK LIKE A CORPSE! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A CORPSE!?!

Does that hat come off his head? Does he shower with that thing on?

Yeah… just… think it… don’t say it, right? That’s “legal”, right?

And then there’s her TV show sister…

Who looks like an expensive prostitute? Is that the look she’s going for? Expensive questionable ethnicity prostitute of questionable age? That’s the vibe I’m getting. Sarah Hyland routinely dresses up ridiculously for these red carpets. Someone needs to shoot to kill whoever is dressing her and doing her make-up and making her as dark as George Hamilton.

Don’t know who you are, but you look great.

I know who you are, but I hate that show you’re on, but you look great.

I remember you and you look like you’re a sharper than my katana. Like you’re an edged weapon. I could use Shaun Robinson’s legs to saw down tree branches or her forearm to slice up a beef brisket.

Well… I think it’s about time to wrap up this billion picture post… with… your favorite and mine… you’ve been waiting for them this whole time… they make us all feel mighty fine… and they have aged like a fine wine…

SOFIA VERGARA’S BOOBS!

They are exquisite. Her hips and waist and face are nice as well. Although, in this picture her eyes look more like a lower set of eyebrows. Two sets of eyebrows. Eh, I can live with that. Those boobs could cure cancer if we would just let them! Let’s not even discuss her weird relationships because it only makes us sad, so let’s just remember that Sofia Vergara is on a good TV show and her and Alfre Woodard’s bosoms exist and that makes the world a better place.

How was your weekend?!

Whaddup.

You’re probably saying to yourselves, not this story AGAIN.

I know, I know. I’m really beating a dead horse here, which sounds like an illegal activity and also a warning sign for a potential sociopath shooter, but I just wanted to rehash for probably the 1000th time this week how physically unattractive the 1919 Chicago White Sox baseball team was.

If you’re confused about the White Sox, Black Sox thing then you probably aren’t hip to a near century old professional baseball tale about the underpaid White Sox team throwing the World Series for money. Whether or not the newly-minted Prohibition era story is news to you or not, let’s just start talking about what ugly looking fellas used to play professional baseball in the pre-Holocaust times.

Are you ready to have your peepers scarred forever?

GOOD LORD.

And people complain about their DMV photos? These guys should’ve put a rusty screwdriver through the head of whatever sad sack took these thoroughly unflattering photos of these men.

Well, I’m sure these are fairly accurate portraits actually. I mean it’s like the pre-Stock Market crash photographer was photoshopping these men to have lightbulb shaped heads or rotten teeth. I mean who would do that plus the technology hadn’t been invented by like 80 years, so there’s that.

Why am I talking about this?

I found myself clicking through a gallery on Sports Illustrated dot com displaying the actual athletes and the actors who portrayed them in film. Some are close and some are far off, but the most ridiculous set of pictures was this one.

On the left, are the hideous mugs of the Chicago White Sox who were just getting comfortable driving a Model T.

On the right, the cast of the 1988 movie EIGHT MEN OUT starring Charlie Sheen aka Carlos Estevez, John Cusack, David Stratharin, and Michael Rooker aka Merle from “The Walking Dead”.

I’m not saying that director John Sayles should’ve hired a bunch of ugly motherfuckers to play these ugly motherfuckers, but seriously these are some fresh faced actors playing a litany of carnival freaks. What the hell was going in 1919?

Was Chicago in a nuclear explosion like Chernobyl that I don’t know of? Was there radiation leaked into the soil from the Great Chicago Fire? WHY DO THESE MEN LOOK SO UGLY?

Legitimately, the guy 4th down on the left played by Michael Rooker looks like Nick Stahl as the yellow bastard in “Sin City”. It’s uncanny even without the yellow skin, disfigured penis, knife, whip, and tied up stripper.

Of the top 4 guys, outside of the one being played by Charlie Sheen, the other 3 looks like Dick Tracy villains. Actually the one played by Charlie Sheen kind of looks like Thomas Jane. Either way, the guy played by David Strathairn – one down on the left – is a mix of Uncle Fester and Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”. Like what in the fuck is happening here?

Not to say one can judge a book by its cover or to say that someone could’ve specifically guessed that these guys were going to throw the World Series… but C’MON! Look how squirrelly they all look. Who could’ve trusted these men to do anything?! I wouldn’t.

So… there’s that.

I guess the moral of the story is that straight women and gay men have it a lot better nowadays than they ever did. Besides a closer idea of equality and living more comfortably in society, they also don’t need to fuck these ugly ass men. I mean these guys were professional baseball players. They weren’t getting paid all that much, which is why they threw the game, but thank God pro baseball players got a lot better looking, right? I mean if you’re a straight woman or a gay man trying to seduce a professional baseball player for one reason or another then you’re not dealing with a carny hobo looking guy that you’re going to have to sleep with, so things have gotten much better.

And with that, I guess, the more you know?

 

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