What To Consider When Casting “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY”? BELT BEATING!!!!

September 3, 2013

Hello, tis I, I tis.

I hope you all had a glorious and fruitful Labor Day weekend.

What did I do?

Well, I saw THE WORLD’S END. I liked it. Did I love it? No. But I did enjoy it quite a bit. I am a big fan of Edgar Wright and his movies. I would easily say that Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and Scott Pilgrim are all much better movies than The World’s End, but it is still a good movie. It’s got action, humor, some seriousness, and it’s wild. It’s also nice to see Edgar expanding this Simon Pegg/Nick Frost universe to include other actors like Paddy Considine, Martin Freeman, and Eddie Marsan who all do a great job. Pegg and Frost are great great in the movie as expected. The movie as a whole is fairly loose and I’m not sure the storyline makes much sense and I’m not sure the ending makes much sense and I’m not sure the epilogue makes much sense, but it’s entertaining despite all of that… although it feels like it’s reaching sometimes. The action is good, but I will say a lot of the action is repetitive with some bright spots being the fight against the twin girls.

Anyway, it’s still a good movie with a lot of fun.

What else?

Well, I got a hearty chuckle seeing that One Direction’s movie made only $18 million. Honestly, I was expecting a lot more than that and I’m assuming maybe they were as well.

Do you want to guess what the Justin Bieber movie made its opening weekend?

..

.

.

..

$29 million.

I’d expect bigger. That’s what she said. Right? No matter what these movies will do good business on streaming things like Netflix and on DVD/Blu-Ray/Laser Disc or whatever the kids are into nowadays. But they’re not making a ton at the theaters, which is a tad surprising to me. I really don’t know what that is. People always focus on this 18-34 or whatever demo for men because they say they buy everything, but I have never understood why women of that same demo are not driving more trends or whatever. If you go to a mall right now – all it is chicks. Tons of chicks, walking around, carrying big whipcream covered drinks from Starbucks. Are you too busy just hanging out at the mall looking to be seen at said mall to not push the industries in the mall to tailor more to your needs? I don’t know. While at the same time… I’m thoroughly not suggesting you see One Direction anything. I guess good job in not seeing that movie…

And, HOPEFULLY, you will not see this movie either…

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Finally, it happened.

We have our Christian Grey.

We have our Anastasia Steel.

With all of Hollywood at their beck and call, E.L. James et al chose the chick who showed her ass in the Social Network as well as rode Jason Segal’s dick raw in Five Year Engagement and the guy from Sons of Anarchy.

Happy?

I won’t lie, I’m pretty surprised – I suppose.

I mean I don’t give a shit in general and I don’t think “fan casting” on the interwebs ever works in general, but as far as I can tell – Jacks from SOA was not expected.

There seemed to be a common theme among the guys listed from fans that they wanted to see play Christian. Of course, this all started with EL and her own masturbatory fantasies of negotiating sex contracts with Rob Pattinson. So, one obviously assumed Rob Pattinson was a choice. From there, there were a lot of rumors or suggestions that Ian Somerhalder and/or Matt Bomer would get the roll. Lastly, the vexing Bret Easton Ellis wanted porn star James Dean.

What do these 4 men have in common?

When they’re belt beating Anastasia Steel at the end of the movie, they’ll have dark hair while doing it.

And by “it”, I mean beating Anastasia Steel with a belt.

Because that’s it.

If you haven’t read this work of fiction that supposedly ignited a sexual revolution in women the world over, unless Wikipedia lied to me, the climax of this sordid love affair is the guy beating the girl with a belt. BEATING HER WITH A BELT!

In my opinion, this is how an average conversation between husband and wife should be about the ending of Fifty Shades of Grey…

Hey honey, how’s the book you’re reading?

It was good. I finished it last night.

Oh, yeah. Did it give you any ideas for our bedroom? Honestly, I’ve never tried BDSM, but-

Let me cut you off right there.

Ok?

You’re not beating me with a belt.

What? I never-

YOU’RE NOT BEATING ME WITH A BELT! I’M AN EDUCATED WOMAN WITH SELF-RESPECT!

I wasn’t suggesting that-

I GOT A 1320 ON MY SATS, I’VE WALKED THE STREETS OF PARIS, I’VE STOOD AT THE TOP OF MOUNT MCKINLEY, I HAVE BIRTHED LIFE FROM MY VAGINA, I HAVE A 401K, I’VE SEEN EVERY EPISODE OF “THE WIRE”, I GRADUATED FROM A JESUIT UNIVERSITY, I’VE SHOT A GUN, I CAN DRIVE STICK SHIFT, I WON MY WORK’S FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE, I RAN A 10K FOR JUVENILE DIABETES, I KNOW HOW TO USE A SEMI-COLON, AND I MEMORIZED ALL THE WORDS TO R.E.M.’S “IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD” AS WE KNOW IT FOR MY SORORITY’S TALENT SHOW – SO DO NOT EVEN THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT YOU’RE GOING TO BEAT ME WITH A BELT!!!!! YOU GOT THAT, MOTHERFUCKER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Honey, I’m scared.

What does this all mean?

Well, it means that, EL James really wants to see…

this pretty lady GET BEAT WITH A BELT!

And, negotiate contracts.

That’s the other thing: contract talks.

It’s more or less a book about a guy who has a rider. 

If you’re unsure of what a “rider” is, it’s a list of wants/must-haves that a venue needs to procure for a celebrity guest. Like the Foo Fighters might ask for 2 cases of water to be backstage at where ever they’re playing. Or a bowl of green M&M’s and only green M&M’s because that’s the first thing we all think about with riders. We expect that the celebrity and/or band wants Skittles or M&M’s or Starbursts sorted by color. Honestly, that would be pretty cool to have. Sometimes, people are unreasonable with their riders and so forth and there is a negotiations over it or sometimes it’s black and white and if you don’t meet those demands then that’s it and the person(s) won’t show up. 

In the case of this book soon to be a movie, there is a lot of talk about BDSM. Some good ole’ S&M sex. That’s what the guy from Sons of Anarchy will be asking and demanding from the chick with the butt from Social Network. 

Much of the book as I’ve been led to believe is an on-going conversation about that as well as the guy kind of just living a life with this girl without her ever signing this contract, but just dick teasing that she will. Eventually, push comes to shove comes to belt beating when the girl asks the guy to show her some of this BDSM that he’s into and that’s the cue when he BEATS HER WITH A BELT. 

After being beaten with a belt, the girl decides she’s not going to sign the contract. Honestly, great choice.

Sadly though, there are two more books following that where the writer appears to stretch her legs on a whole host of subjects and more or less turns the book series into a daytime soap opera. BUT! That’s for another day and another movie if this one is successful. 

For this movie… there’s really only one question that needed to be asked and answered?

Which dreamy guy do you want to beat which innocent looking cock tease with a belt?

And Hollywood has settled on…

Charlie Hunnam

beating

Dakota Johnson

with a belt.

Congratulations!!!!

Was there someone you had hoped to see instead? And by instead, I mean is there another male actor you had wished was wielding said belt against a possible different victim of aforementioned belt beating?

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One Response to “What To Consider When Casting “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY”? BELT BEATING!!!!”

  1. tiffanized said

    I read the 50 Shades story when it was Twilight fan fiction and had to stop before the end because of the excessive use of “oh myyy”. They should’ve cast George Takei in the role of AnastasiawhoweallreallyknowisIsabellaSwan. A biker beating George Takei’s ass with a belt. I’d be down to see that.

    I saw the One Direction movie twice this weekend. Morgan Spurlock had almost a thousand hours of footage and we did not see one alcoholic beverage consumed. No girls lined up in hotel hallways for their turn to take a spin on one of the five magic peens. Next to no cursing–I think “arse” was said like twice. It’s disappointing because the guys are pretty interesting characters when they aren’t on a leash.

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