September 5, 2013





FOOT!       BALL!

Seriously, I am thoroughly excited from my genitals to the other parts of my body that are not my genitals that football is starting TONIGHT.

If you are not excited about football starting then GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE… also, I have a trick to get you excited.

Follow along the lines of the FOOT BALL that I have posted above and say them out loud.

Start by saying “football”. Then change it to “foot” “ball” as two separate words. Ok? Then proceed to say them louder and louder at a time with a bigger pause gap between the words each time. I guarantee by your 5th FOOT!!! …….. BALL!!!! … You’ll be fucking psyched for football. If not, you’re dead inside. No biggie, right?

So, the opening day/night game of the 2013 NFL professional tackle football season is…




And the game is being held in Denver. Strangely enough. Why strangely enough because the Super Bowl winner from earlier this year was the Baltimore Ravens, so one would assume that they would host the opening day game, BUT that assumer is ignorant of how much the NFL and TV love Peyton Manning and couldn’t give a shit about the Baltimore Ravens especially the Baltimore Ravens sans Ray Lewis.

So, it starts in DENVER!

I’m guessing the Denver Broncos will win.

Honestly, I think tonight will be an offensive explosion with both teams throwing the ball a lot and scoring many touchdowns. Why? Well, that’s almost always the case with Peyton Manning and, last season, Joe Flacco showed he could do the same. I think the defense of both teams will let up a lot of points showing an inability of stopping the passing game of either team.

Although the Ravens lost a lot of players from their Super Bowl winning team, I don’t think the team will be bad. I think they’ll take a step back, but I think they’ll still be the high powered offense we started to accept at the end of last season. I think their defense will be not as good, but their defense wasn’t exceptional last year and were still letting up a lot of points.

As for the Broncos, well, last year against the Ravens they showed a complete failure in their defensive secondary and no ability whatsoever to stop any long ball activity from the Ravens. In this case, I doubt much has changed. I think Denver’s D should be worse than last year and will have a difficult time covering the Ravens’ O.

I’m picking the Broncos because they’re at home, have a lot to prove, and I think Peyton is ready for a shoot out. I think it will be a high scoring game from both sides and Denver will win in the end.

BUT… onto more pressing matters…

Joe Flacco is like two feet taller than his wife, Dana.


I’m just saying.

Joe Flacco looks like he’s Paul Bunyan sized and Dana looks arguably Tinker Bell sized.

It’s just interesting, right?

Joe and Dana got married last year? I think. I think it was last year.

Good for him… she’s a very pretty blonde, which we know works very well for NFL QBs.

Good for her… he’s a Super Bowl winning QB who is also the highest paid.

That sounds shallow, but I’ve not met either. Maybe Dana has a great taste in music. Maybe she’s spent Summers in Paris as a sous chef to Wolfgang Puck. Maybe her dad was an electrical engineer and he passed on all his knowledge to her and she can fix anything. Maybe she’s soft-spoken poet who is a good listener and naturally smells of calla lilies. Maybe.

Maybe Flacco isn’t as goofy as he appears or maybe he’s that good kind of goofy who makes life feel fun and enjoyable even if you’re just taking the dog for a walk. Maybe Flacco is great at acoustic guitar. Or gives reality bending foot massages. Maybe Flacco is a known friend to all bunnies in the world and imbues a child-like wonder to the world with his gentle eyes and soft smile. Maybe after a long day, Joe Flacco greets you in the living room with a glass of cold milk, a plate of freshly baked from scratch chocolate chip cookies, and a warm hug that envelopes you into a world of comfort and security where his scent is a mix of the cookies and the roasted chicken that’s almost done in the oven and his voice just above a whisper states, “Welcome home, you are loved and I DVRed all your favorite shows for us to watch together.” Maybe.

Oh man! How badly do you want to fuck that Joe Flacco? Right?! I think I know women pretty well. I think that Joe Flacco is a pretty sexy portrayal. Also, he’s also probably got a big ol’ diesel dick. RIGHT?! YEAH!!!! I know womenz.



Joe Flacco is 6’6″.

Judging by these photos, Dana is 4’6″? Roughly.

I didn’t take this stalker/blurry phone pic. Just saying…

I know that Dana is a little to the side and in front of Joe, but she’s like just above his nipples.

Like there’s a chance that the baby in the cart could be taller than Dana by the next Super Bowl.

Just saying…


This picture is from a few years ago, but I assure neither is still going through puberty, so they’re arguably the same height at this given moment.

I think Peyton is an inch shorter than Flacco, but Ashley could be a solid 18 inches taller than Dana.

I’m not saying it would make much sense, but after Peyton and Joe finish dueling on the field – I would pay to see Dana and Ashley run through a punt, pass, kick competition. Honestly, I’d pay to see all the wives play each other in one of those competitions after every game. That would be phenomenal.

Look at that.

By the way, I think Ashley kind of goes back and forth with the hair. I’m guessing she does highlights. And when I say that, I really don’t understand what that means entirely, but I think I might be right. I mean why not. Got to have confidence in yourself.


Maybe Ashley is an accomplished oil paint artist who creates abstract works of nature and you can spend hours in a hypnotic state watching her re-imagine a Sun rise on canvas in surrealist expression. Maybe she’s a belly dancer. Maybe she’s a helicopter pilot. Maybe her voice falls to a luring rasp when you’re standing beside her and when she leans in to tell you something only she wants you to hear, you feel like time stops and the world is watching as you are the only one invited to the universe’s secret party of her magical thoughts. Maybe.

Maybe Peyton is a ballroom dancer. Maybe he’s a thoughtful gift giver. Maybe Peyton reads aloud the greatest works of 20th century American literature and when his voice echoes through the room it draws you into another realm of possibilities filled with excitement, love, danger, and resolution. Maybe he has perfect pitch and can harmonize effortlessly. Maybe his laugh is so infectious it makes you smile and laugh without a second thought and it gives you true joy to hear it and to add to it. Maybe.

Maybe Peyton uses his forehead in the bedroom to help one achieve an orgasm like never before understood.


Anyway… Broncos win, I’m guessing.

Can’t wait for fucking football!



  1. Giant men that date tiny women kind of weird me out. I can’t get beyond the fact that it looks like a dad and his kid and that’s a one way ticket to Creep City.

    Also, Joe Flacco has a Cillian Murphy-ness to him that I never noticed behind the helmet…

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