KSWI Presents: Twerking’s Icarus

September 6, 2013

Happy Friday to one and all…

What’s happening in the world today?

Bombing Syria…

Peyton Manning playing with the cheat codes on…

White girls are twerking it to death.

In this case, almost literally to a flaming death via Yankee Candle.

I think it was Lee Ving of the Los Angeles hardcore punk band Fear who said that Eddie Vedder made stage-diving mainstream. People may or may not remember that in fact the hardcore punk band Fear was the musical guest on Saturday Night Live many many many Moons ago – even before I was born – because John Belushi was a fan of them and Lee Ving did Lee Ving and stage-dived/dove/pigeon off the SNL stage.

But, years later, stage-diving was still predominantly a hardcore punk thing. When the children of the 60’s/70’s grew to that adolescent uprising age and accepted the punk ethos and then years after that made their own bands in the late 80’s, early 90’s there were obvious influences that carried over. And, when the ever-popular Pearl Jam released “Even Flow” in ’92 with a video of famed singer Vedder jumping into the crowd — Ving knew this was end of stage-diving being reserved for small punk shows and, now, would rich epidemic levels at all shows. I’m paraphrasing, but I think he said, “Once they see the guy from Pearl Jam doing it, they’re all going to do it.”

Stage-diving meet twerking.

Lee Ving meet Miley Cyrus.

I have no idea how long the term “twerk” has been around, but it’s certainly been around longer than the most recent VMAs or long before Miley’s unicorn snuggie Vine of her twerking.

I would say “we’ve all seen”, but it sounds ridiculous to have that lead up to “those Caribbean dance competition videos”, right? Anyway, if you have you have and if you haven’t then go look them up. I think it’s a Jamaican thing, but it’s really just a booty shaking thing – there have been girls shaking their ass in this manner for years in the squatted position or in the doggystyle position and they’re shaking their booties to the point it looks like waves in a waterbed.

Seriously, besides putting the name “twerking” to it instead of simply “making that booty clap” – not much is different. The difference is that “making that booty clap” did not have the full-throttle publicity campaign style support of Hannah Montana.

The crossover though from Jamaican girls or what happens in the confines of an Atlanta club happened when Miley Cyrus began popping Mollies and making videos of herself twerking. One can easily say it’s a racial thing and it is, but I’m not here to focus on that in a negative. It’s more of a positive like the breaking down of the color barrier in baseball.

Miley Cyrus is the Jackie Robinson of twerking.

That’s the most positive thing I could possibly ever say about her ever. She’s not her generation’s Madonna or even her generation’s Tiffany. She’s simply that crazy white girl who made doing what was originally seen as black girl dancing into an acceptable adventure white girls to journey on. It’s the road less traveled of booty popping that will be well-worn by year’s end.

While, twerking has not reached an end… it has reached its foreseeable zenith by this naive whitey Caitlin Heller…

I hope you’re ready because this girl is about to twerk … and change your life forever for the better.

These are the good times for Caitlin.

Music is on. Video is recording. Did you know that Caitlin had/has a boyfriend and she was recording this for him?

All well and good here.

Dancing with her back turned, slyly looking over her shoulder, shaking her hips like Shakira taught safely taught us years earlier, all while wearing a pair of non-flame retardant Lulu Lemons that help accentuate the curvature of Caitlin’s posterior, but do no help in shielding her delicate skin from the raging inferno of her probably pumpkin spiced Hell only a foot behind her.

More or less consider this Caitlin’s pre-9/11 life.

Here is where Caitlin enters the forbidden zone.

This is already a dangerous maneuver where Caitlin is literally turning her world upside down, but she has no idea at this point how much further that metaphor will take the next 10 seconds of her existence.

For future reference, when attempting a headstand – do not post-up against an easily moveable surface area like a door.

Ahhhhh, yes. The coup-de-grace! The upside down twerk!

At this point, this is where I wonder if this was Caitlin’s idea or was this her boyfriend’s.

If her boyfriend suggested that she make a video of herself dancing and possibly twerking then Caitlin should leave this boyfriend.

If this is all Caitlin’s idea then possibly this boyfriend should wife Caitlin because she’s obviously ambitious and loyal. On the flip-side, she’s also an insurance threat.

Either way, this is the highest high for Caitlin. She’s accomplished her goal, she’s grabbed that brass ring, she’s upside down with her back turned and she’s gyrating her butt for seemingly her boyfriend’s enjoyment. This is it. Revel in it because it is over very soon.

Oh no.

That is what I imagine Caitlin Heller is thinking as the door’s weight presses against her vulnerable body and her life flashes before her eyes.

In this simple and yet extraordinary circumstance, Caitlin has put both her entire life and that of her roommate’s and many others into a frenzied chaos. If you’ve watched the video, you know Caitlin is ok. And good for that. But what if she wasn’t. What if this became much worse? Obviously, Caitlin’s life would be ruined, also the roommate’s as she would not be able to cope with the horror she inadvertently caused, same with the boyfriend. What about Caitlin’s parents, her friends, relatives? What if the fire engulfed the apartment and then the apartment building? Neighbors, landlords, city officials? Who knows where the destruction could end?

Right here, is where it is all possible. This is the end of the world as both of these girls know it.

A tidal wave of tragedy from twerking, a butterfly effect of booty.

This is when Caitlin understands the fragility of the human existence.

This is when the roommate understands that horror as well.

This is when Caitlin understands that she is truly not alone in this world because she can only control her own free will and everyone else in the world is living their life with their own actions.

This is when the roommate understands that horror as well.

Quentin Tarantino couldn’t have thought this up.

A professional stunt woman couldn’t do this any better. Eat your heart out, Zoe Bell.

Not in a million years would Caitlin ever think she would taking a professional wrestling style bump through that coffee table with at least 4 lit flaming candles to add to the intrigue. But today because of Miley Cyrus and Caitlin’s own exploration of her sexuality here she is.

Embrace this moment, Caitlin. You will now understand what adrenaline means and how incredible it is. You will also understand a level of terror you would never imagine you would ever inflict upon yourself.

Not in a million years would Caitlin have said she would throw herself through a table and light herself on fire, and yet here she is.

God, mysteries of life, chaos, stupidity? Whose invisible hand is pulling these strings?

Here is Caitlin’s life at 11.

As well as the roommate’s.

On fire; survived going through a table.

The roommate? Shock and awe, at the moment.

How crazy life can be?

One minute, twerking. Next minute, on fire.

Who knew it would be that easy?

Also, let me say, this is when I wonder why there were so many candles lit on the coffee table? What on Earth?

One candle? Ok. Two? You’re already pushing it with one.

There’s Sun coming in through the window. Anything over one candle in one low-lying area is already a fire hazard. No need, Caitlin.

I hope you’re happy, Miley Cyrus.

Yoga pants engulfed in scented candle flames.

Wax wings melting from the Sun.

As I said before, Caitlin is seemingly fine. The video does cut out here, but she’s healthy enough and in good spirits enough to have posted this on Youtube. Let’s assume the roommate ran into the kitchen to retrieve something defeat the fire consuming her secretly twerking friend’s leg.

I’d also like to point out that it thoroughly appears like the roommate is returning from work or at least a job interview, while Caitlin is leisurely making twerking videos for an oddly absent boyfriend. So many questions to be asked there, but I won’t assume anything about anyone anymore than I already have.

Next time, Caitlin should probably just spend her private time watching “Orange is the New Black” or maybe just masturbating like a normal person.

Regardless, God bless Caitlin for being her.

And let me add, if this video is fake, which is a real possibility since this is too brilliant and everything works out ok… then this is hilarious and these chicks should get their own sketch comedy show. I fully support this video real or set-up.

Have a great weekend.




One Response to “KSWI Presents: Twerking’s Icarus”

  1. tiffanized said

    I once fake twerked in a Coldstone Creamery to a Bob Dylan song, but it was solely to embarrass my child, and I don’t for a moment think anyone thought what I was doing was actual twerking.

    I’m guessing by now the people who originally twerked are doing some much cooler and more complicated dance moves that white college girls will be causing disasters trying to perform in fifteen years. I can only hope I’m dead by then.

    If you want to see people doing this in a culturally appropriate setting and not catching themselves on fire, look up the New Orleans sissy bounce scene. After watching them go I wouldn’t even attempt to dance like that.

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