Sunday Football Is Back! And I’m Filled With Joy And Crippling Depression!

September 9, 2013

Hey y’all.

Football is back.

Did any of yous try my football pump-up technique?



FOOT!        BALL!

FOOT!        BALL!

It works.

Let’s jump right into this football discussion. Let’s stop twidling our dicks, if that’s something that one can do to procrastinate from entering this football discussion. Ok. Let’s get right into the heart of the issue at hand!



That is what Sean Lee looks like without the helmet on.

This is what Sean Lee looks like when he’s playing linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys.

He’s one of the better linebackers in the game today. He had a great game last night. And that’s all well and good when he’s got the helmet on, but when that thing comes off we enter into some weird David Lynch-ian world of babies playing professional football.

Honestly, it creeps me out.

But what else happened?

Well, the Pittsburgh Steelers looked completely out of sync and lethargic in their 16-9 loss to the Tennessee Titans. The Titans are not a good football team and they weren’t a good football team last year either when they beat the Steelers.

I’m not sure what was going on in that game. I felt like every offensive play was being funneled through Arizona Cardinals castaway LaRod Stephens-Howling for some reason and throughout all of those plays, LaRod got hurt, so I don’t even know what to say about how weird all of that was. And, Ben looked completely off his game and slow.

The defense played fine, but they were being buttfucked by their own offense’s idiocy, so the Titans did score 16 points, which is honestly not a lot of points.

Anyway, the Steelers obviously need to bounce back and get some fire in them and execute better.

What else happened?

The Bills almost beat the Patriots, but didn’t.

The Jets continued to be the weirdly luckiest team in the history of everything by winning a football game they had no reason winning. They played like absolute garbage, but luckily for them the Bucs also played like garbage and luckily for the Jets the Bucs legitimately stopped playing football with 30 seconds left and allowed the Jets to get within field goal range for them to take the lead with no time remaining. Unreal. Similar to the Jets/Cards game last year where the Jets played some of the worst football in the history of football to only be outdone by the team they were playing that day. The Jets are a disease, a virus that infects the other team and makes them play like shit as well.

The Ravens lost on Thursday, the Steelers lost, the Bengals lost, and the Browns got beat up by the Miami Dolphins in their own stadium. The AFC North went 0-4 this opening week. I wonder how many times that has happened. Probably not many.

The 49ers looked like the 49ers and the Packers looked like the Packers. If you feel like reading about it, the Packers did get screwed in that game.–nfl.html

The Lions ended up winning, but they looked like the same old Lions doing it. They had some homerun ball plays and they had a lot of fuck-ups and their defense is not effective, but they are dirty. I really liked Ndamukong “House of Spears” Suh when he came to the NFL and I really liked him after his first year and now I don’t like him. He’s big bad man, but he’s not particularly great with all that big badness and he’s also a dirty player. I defended a lot of his plays before. I would say that some of his shit was a little ridiculous, but all kind of heat of the moment type of stuff, but this week he deliberately dove into an offensive lineman’s knees when he wasn’t looking nor was he apart of the play anymore. Suh just tried to injure him. I haven’t seen anything about him being fined or suspended, but honestly he should be. At this point, he’s been seen as the dirtiest player in the league for a few years now and he’s only been playing a few years and the league should truly crack down on him. This was not a heat of the moment type of play, it was only a dirty play, which was meant to injure.

Vikings need a new quarterback. Christian Ponder is simply not the guy. He looked like garbage most of that game. He’s just so unreliable when he’s out there especially for a team that has the greatest running back in the game, they should have at least a reliable quarterback.

The Seattle/Carolina game was weird. I didn’t see it much, but Russell Wilson was moving the ball up and down the field, but just could not score. It’s just weird to hear about a QB having a 330 yard day and he’s only able to get 12 points on the board. Carolina? They’re just not that good of a team.

Bears/Bengals? Well, both teams did a lot of good things in that game. The Bears will seemingly be fine as long as Jay Cutler is a healthy quarterback. When he’s not there, the team falls to pieces. They were 7-1 last year when he got hurt. I don’t know if they “always” win their opener at home, but it feels like they do. The Bengals made some big plays especially with their amazing wide receiver AJ Green. In the end, they lost, so there’s that.

Cards/Rams? Well, I didn’t see any of it. Rams won. I know that much.

Miami won. I guess they looked good doing it. I’m not really sure. I wasn’t really watching that game that much.

New Orleans Saints and the Atlanta Falcons. That was a big game. Those are two teams that will probably beat just about every team they face this year. Both teams played well and executed well and the game came down to a final play in the redzone for the win. It’s something that could very well happen again the next time they play each other and very well could happen again the time after that possibly in the NFC conference championship at the end of January. I think the Saints are poised to be in that NFC conference championship game. Atlanta could very well be there too.

So, do you believe me now about the Jaguars? They lost 28-2 in a home game to the Chiefs. I don’t think the Jaguars win a game this year. I think they go 0-16. Their team is terrible. Their quarterback is terrible and injured and still playing. I don’t understand that team at all. I don’t understand how when I tell people that if Jacksonville wins 2 games then that should be seen as a miracle. I’ve legitimately been told the Jags could win 6 games this year. And in that same logic, I could also be abducted by aliens.

Oakland/Indy? I guess Terrelle Pryor can ball a little. Shocking, right? Should’ve put him in last year, but whatevs. Indy still won by Luck being a great QB and putting 21 on the board.

And back to the beginning with the Cowboys and Giants…

It was too little too late for the Giants in last night’s game. They played like garbage in the first half and played horrible in the third quarter, but all of a sudden made it game again and then peetered out at the end. The Cowboys played well and got all those turnovers and so forth, but for the people out there really patting the Cowboys on the back should consider that they let up 31 points and won by 5 points in a game they forced 6 turnovers in. They should’ve won by a lot more and shouldn’t have allowed 31 points to be scored on them. It’s a good news situation that they won, but a bad news situation that people are overlooking that their team needed to score 36 points to defeat the Giants. Having to score over 30 points a game to win is not the hallmark of a good defense.


Tonight, the Eagles play the Redskins and the Chargers play the Texans.

I lost my fantasy football game.

Breaking Bad was awesome.

Everyone should watch the HBO documentary “The Crash Reel” about Kevin Pearce and Shaun White. It’s amazing.

Vin Diesel’s “Riddick” only made $18 million this weekend, which really doesn’t say much for Vin’s supposed drawing power. The 15th “Resident Evil” movie would’ve done the same.

And… Marvel wants to make a female superhero movie… fucking hire Gina Carano. No brainer on that decision.



2 Responses to “Sunday Football Is Back! And I’m Filled With Joy And Crippling Depression!”

  1. tiffanized said

    I can’t help but feel that you are personally taunting me with the One Direction remarks.

    I meant to watch football but I got drunk instead and ended up laying on a park bench for longer than I’d intended. I’m a wino now I guess. Unless there’s a better term for people who drink too much beer and lay around on benches. Beero? Alcoholic?

    Glad to see that the packers were ripped off. Not that they were ripped off but that their loss was at least partly due to an error out of their control. They are kind of my team this year. I pick a new one each season pretty much. I have Aaron Rodgers QBing both of my fantasy teams so I’m a bit invested. I think I lost one and won one this week, but it’s hinging on tonight’s games.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Taunting you? Sub-consciously, maybe. Consciously, One Direction is pretty f’n famous and they are little boy boys.

      Football was on from 1pm until about midnight. You must’ve made that park bench your home.

      Two games on tonight. Very excited. FOOT! BALL!

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