September 10, 2013

What. Up.

Let’s get into it.

– I TOLD YOU SO! That “so” being that the video of the girl twerking and being set on fire was fake. I broke down the whole video like it was the Zapruder film, but at the end I did say I thought it was fake and I would still think it was funny. Well, it was Jimmy Kimmel’s video apparently, which is a lot lamer than what I was hoping for. I was hoping that those two chicks were the one’s who came up with it and wrote it and they’re going to be famous. I do like Jimmy, so it’s not all bad and it is still damn funny, but I was kind of hoping for a new female comedy duo.

– A 2nd I TOLD YOU SO about the Houston Texans, am I right? I mean that game went exactly as I thought when I thought about it all high on acid. Jeez, that was a crazy game. I’m probably 1 of a dozen (there are dozens!) who stayed up to nearly 2am to watch the end of the Chargers/Texans. It was crazy. The Chargers amassed a 28-7 a couple minutes into the third quarter. It appeared the game was over and done… that was until Houston’s defense remembered how great they are and started playing like it and shut down the Chargers and even caused an interception for a touchdown. Meanwhile, the Houston offense started clicking and put an unanswered 3 touchdowns together and an end of the game with no time remaining field goal. It was wild. Huge collapse by the Chargers. They were legit walking around for the 1st half and the first few minutes of the second half like they were King Ding-a-Ling all of them, and by the end they looked like little children boys on the verge of tears.

– I COMPLETELY TOLD NO ONE ANYTHING SO… The Eagles beat the fuck out of the Redskins last night. I wasn’t seeing that coming. I wasn’t surprised that the Eagles looked faster or were shredding the Redskins D at times early on. That was to be expected I thought. They’re crazy talented and they’ve got motivation now. But the fact that the Redskins offense was so inept was a surprise. The Redskins D did make some great plays and hit Mike Vick a lot, but in the end they couldn’t stop the Eagles forever while their own offense did nothing with the ball. As good as the Eagles looked at some points, the Eagles have one of the same HUGE problems that they’ve been having – Mike Vick is constantly getting hit. He was clearly worn down in this game and was noticeably limping. Mike’s never played a full season with the Eagles and I’m not sure he ever played a full season with the Falcons. The Eagles can play with him when he’s healthy, but he’ll quickly be banged up and injured not long after. Their back-ups like Matt Barkley will need to be game ready because Mike won’t go 16 games if last night was any standard. In a game they won by 26 points, Vick was still battered around quite a bit.

– I spent an inordinate amount of time last night reading about the explorations to America in the 1500’s and early 1600’s. IT’S MOTHERFUCKING FASCINATING. I imagine being a teacher is difficult as there are things like needing to teach to a test or to a book. But I feel like I’ve learned almost nothing about the world in school. Or really what I did learn, I feel was wrong or not close enough to being right. And I think the way we were taught history doesn’t show the causation of events, which would lead to a real understanding about them. I also think I had a lot of bad teachers. And, fundamentally, I think I was at odds with the whole idea of school and wanted nothing to do with it and that didn’t help with my learning. I also think forcing a 13 year old to memorize that has no importance to them does not mean they learned anything. The period of time when we’re supposed to be learning all this stuff – we’re almost too young and going through too much shit like puberty and just the idea that we’re alive and understanding the consequences of the choices we make that when someone tries to explain to you who Sir Walter Raleigh was it means nothing. Maybe that’s just me, but I also don’t feel like these books or these history texts properly convey how the world is linked and how things were not isolated incidents and so forth.

– It is fundamentally misleading and wrong to say that the Pilgrims were innocents fleeing religious persecution heading to a new world they knew nothing about.

– When do cicadas die? All there is from morning to night is their noise. I think it is screwing with my brain.

– So, Matthew McConaughey might be the best working actor going over the past year. Kinda crazy, right?

– Gucci Mane was the funniest person on twitter yesterday. You remember the Southern rapper who got an ice cream cone tattooed on his face? Well, he went a little crazy yesterday saying all these rappers surrounding him are fake like Waka Flakka and he went off about it. The biggest piece of “news” in all of the ranting in 140 characters and barely intelligible English was that Waka and Gucci had a threesome with Nicki Minaj. Which, could have happened. I mean do any of us think that Ms. Minaj was above having a threesome with Gucci and Mr. Flakka a couple years ago? Also, my favorite tweets of his I retweeted, but if you missed them then…

Had a 3 sum wit keyshia and a white girl ask coach k. N Orlando

Congratulations. Keyshia Dior is one of those big butt having models you see in XXL or King magazines. And a “white girl” is just some ho white girl that Gucci doesn’t even know the name of. BUT my favorite aspect of this besides it being in Orlando is that we’re supposed to ask “coach k.”. The only “coach k.” I know is Duke University’s men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski. Honestly, I hate Duke and have always rooted against them and Coach K, but if Coach K is the only eye-ball witness for a threesome involving Gucci Mane then I might start liking Coach K.

I wanna fuck tiny lil ugly ass

Just brilliant. Gucci was not pleased with rapper T.I. and his wife’s name is Tiny. And Tiny is tiny. And let’s just say that Tiny is not known for her conventional beauty. Either way, brilliant tweet. Wish I wrote it.

Tell craig n julia suc my dick at Atlantic records




CRAIG AND JULIA?!!?!??!?!???!?!



And finally…

Nikki minaj. Keysha dior taraji p henson n monica. That’s a street nigga fantasy I got 10k apiece. Im horny errbody wear tennisskirts

A street nigga fantasy? Bro, that’s my fantasy. That’s what all heterosexual men’s fantasies should be. Amazing. The guy is a poet. The guy is thinking the same thoughts I’m thinking. Who knew that Gucci Mane and I would share so much in common.

Later Gucci also said he would give up on all these other women for Meagan Good and with that I wonder… did Gucci Mane and I just become best friends?! Seriously, we are on the same fucking wave length it’s crazy.

– What else? Catfish is on tonight. The Ultimate Fighter is on tomorrow night. Football is on Thursday. Danielle is coming home Thursday. I can stop Facetiming Danielle and just like really face time with her by looking at her face all the time and talk to it like a normal person.

– I’m bored.



  1. tiffanized said

    THANK YOU. I was so confused by those tweets yesterday–and Coach K’s involvement in a threesome. I am picturing him on the sidelines, screaming at the participants and patting Gucci Mane on the shoulder for completing a particularly difficult sexual maneuver.

    I’m getting a tattoo soon and “Im horny errbody wear tennisskirts” has just cracked my top five design ideas. Just have to decide if I’m going to spell it out or have it artistically illustrated in full horny, tennis-skirted glory.

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