I Don’t Watch The EMMYS But Here Is Who I Think Should Win

September 18, 2013

Hola, however you say sexy bitches in Spanish… hmmm… it might actually be sexy putas? I don’t know. Does sexy translate to sexy in Spanish?

ANYWAY!

I’ve been seeing on the internet all these pictures from the “Creative” Emmys, which usually means that the “ACTUAL” Emmys are right around the corner. I took a stroll over to IMDB to see and they’re in fact on Sunday this Sunday.

I’m sure a good reason why I feel like I haven’t seen many Emmys commercials is because I’m only watching football, Breaking Bad, and Catfish. While Breaking Bad will win a lot of Emmys, it’s not on the channel the Emmys are on and there aren’t too many Emmys commercials or none that I noticed… STOP HARASSING ME ABOUT NOT SEEING THE COMMERCIALS! I JUST HAVEN’T SEEN ANY, OK?! JEEZ!

As the title of the post suggests, I rarely if ever watch awards shows, but that doesn’t mean I’m opinionless on them. I’ll go through the top Emmy nominations and say who I think should win. Ok? OH-TAY!

COMEDY SERIES

noms: Big Bang Theory, Girls, Louie, Modern Family, 30 Rock, Veep

winner: VEEP MOTHERFUCKERS!

Seriously, that show is a billion times better than the other shows mentioned put together. I love Louis CK, but Veep is on another level at this point. Modern Family is a good show, but not nearly as good as Veep. And the rest of those shows suck and should die with pitchforks through their eyes. I can think of a bunch of shows that are better than those shows that should be nominated like Parks & Rec and Community. Those shows are light years ahead of Girls or 30 Rock or whatever else and I’m not even trying at this point. What about Archer? Archer is a cartoon and is possibly the funniest show on TV not named Veep. That show is brilliant. I may have been ok with the Girls nom for the first season, but for the second season? CMON! Unless you’re counting the online reviews of the second season as part of the comedy because that shit was genius. Nothing was more entertaining than reading about how much everyone hated last seasons Girls. Seriously, KAREEM ABDUL JABBAR wrote an op-ed about it. The points leader of the National Basketball Association had choice words about Girls and they gave it an Emmy nom. Way to be off the mark, unlike Kareem.

DRAMA SERIES

noms: Breaking Bad…

winner: BREAKING BAD

Do I need to list the other shows? What’s the fucking point? No show holds a candle to what Breaking Bad has been swinging around since its first season. I don’t watch Downton Abbey, but I do watch Game of Thrones, Mad Men, House of Cards, and Homeland and none of them are as good as Breaking Bad. Game of Thrones probably just had its best season, but it’s no where near Breaking Bad. Mad Men probably had its worst season. House of Cards had a solid, very good first season, but not BB shit. And, Homeland got worse by the episode last season. And, I don’t give a fuck about Downton Abbey. I don’t. Not a fuck. Not a single fuck.

ACTOR, COMEDY SERIES

noms: Alec Baldwin, Don Cheadle, Jason Batemen, Jim Parsons, Louie CK, Matt LeBlanc

winner: JASON BATMEN

Why? Because he should’ve gotten it some other year. This shit is getting political up in here! Honestly, not in love with those choices. I’m not sure what’s available to be nominated off the top of my head, but what about Warwick Davis for Life’s Too Short? Is that even nominate-able, I’m not sure. Didn’t that air last year in the US? I don’t know. Hmmm… I’d probably give it to H. Jon Benjamin for his work on Archer. And, that Don Cheadle show sucks. House of Lies? Ugh.

ACTOR, DRAMA SERIES

noms: Bryan Cranston-

winner: BRYAN MOTHERFUCKING CRANSTON

Same reason as the drama series. Jon Hamm, the dude from Downton Abbey, Damian Lewis, and Kevin Spacey all do good work. Jeff Daniels got nominated for Newsroom and that show is an insult to common intelligence. But back to Cranston and him playing arguably the greatest role in TV history… yeah, so he wins again.

ACTRESS, COMEDY SERIES

noms: Laura Dern, Lena Dunham, Edie Falco, Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Amy Poehler

winner: JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS

She’s a fucking hilarity monster. Julia on Seinfeld was one of the all-time best female characters in anything and now she’s doing it again. And by the way, Old Adventures with New Christine was a solid show. Fuck the haters. I watched some of Enlightened and like it, but it’s not as good as Veep. Laura Dern is tremendous in it though. Very interesting character, interesting show. Lena Dunham’s nipples did more acting work than her face and head did. I don’t like Nurse Jackie, 30 Rock hasn’t been good in years. Amy Poehler is great and incredibly talented and just really something special, but Julia is just flatlining killing it over there on Veep.

ACTRESS, DRAMA SERIES

noms: Claire Danes, Michelle Dockery, Elisabeth Moss, Connie Britton, Kerry Washington, Vera Farmiga, Robin Wright

winner: KERRY WASHINGTON

I’ve never watched a second of Scandal, but whatever. I’d probably say Robin Wright. I think Claire Danes and Homeland is slipping, I don’t watch Downton Abbey and kind of hate it, Mad Men sucked it up, Nashville is stupid, and that Bates Motel show I didn’t know was a show until right now nor did I know Vera was on it. I think Robin is doing some great work on House of Cards, so if I was being serious about this with what I’ve seen then I’d say her for sure. She definitely deserves to be nominated. And for effs sake, why is she so hot still? You know? Anyway, I say give it to Kerry because fuck it. Every show is full of white people and pretty much every other award is going to go to a white person so fuck it. You can say that is bullshit, but you can also go play in traffic for all I care. Give it to the Nubian princess Kerry because she’s actually the lead of her show and people seem to love it and that’s something in and of itself.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, COMEDY SERIES

noms: Ty Burrell, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Bill Hader, Ed O’Neill, Adam Driver, Tony Hale

winner: TONY FUCKING HALE

The guy should’ve won Emmy after Emmy after Emmy as best supporting actor in a comedy series for Arrested Development and didn’t. Now, he’s somehow just as good as he was on AD, but with a new twist. He’s unreal funny on Veep and I love him. My heart warms when he appears on screen and is about to say something. Veep is legitimately the best HBO show going and I’m saying Veep > GoT. No doubt. Not even a hint of sarcasm or joking. Just a better show through and through.

SUPPORTING ACTOR, DRAMA SERIES

noms: Jim Carter, Peter Dinklage, Aaron Paul, Jonathan Banks, Bobby Cannavale, Mandy Patinkin

winner: JONATHAN BANKS

This is actually an excellent category. I have no idea who Jim Carter is, but I’m not stressing. Peter Dinklage is the best actor on GoT, Aaron Paul is doing some of the best acting work on TV, I heart Bobby Cannavale as a human being so I’m guessing he’s good on Boardwalk Empire, and Mandy Patinkin is the big bright spot on Homeland and so is his beard. But I think Jonathan Banks’ work as Mike on Breaking Bad was just really wonderful last season. I would say that Giancarlo Esposito should’ve won this category last year for his work as Gus Fring from the season before. I’m cool jumping over Aaron Paul on this just because he’s won a few so this is a little political in that regard. As for Dinklage, I think he does a great job as Tyerion, but he doesn’t have as much to do sometimes as those guys and with that his campaign for the award suffers. I’m not sure how GoT will handle the next couple books for the TV show, but Tyerion has some amazing storyline stuff coming up, which should be great. One big gripe about Tyerion is they don’t have him asking himself and others the rhetorical question “Where do whores go?” which is a great thing about his character in the book.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS, COMEDY SERIES

noms: Mayim Bialik, Julie Bowen, Jane Krakowski, Jane Lynch, Sofia Vergara, Merritt Wever, Anna Chlumsky

winner: JANE KRAKOWSKI

Meh, it’s political. I don’t know if she’s ever won an Emmy for her work on 30 Rock, but Jane Krakowski did really give it her all in that show. Singing, dancing, being fucking crazy. She really worked for her laughs and was always at 11 in each episode. I’ll give her that. The rest are good at what they do, but then again I’d probably give this to Aisha Tyler for “Archer” or really any of the women on “Archer” because they’re all fucking hilarious. Also, I’d probably give it to Kaitlin Olson. I’d probably have given the award to Kaitlin Olson about 10 times or however many seasons it has been. So… actually, yeah, I’ll stick with that. Kaitlin Olson should have a shelf full of Emmys and so many in fact that she’s got some in her garage that she forgot about. She’s hilarious on It’s Always Sunny and she is just as crazy and 10x crazier than Jane Krakowski ever was on 30 Rock. Ok. So there’s that.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS, DRAMA SERIES

noms: Morena Baccarin, Christine Baranski, Anna Gunn, Maggie Smith, Emilia Clarke

winner: ANNA GUNN

People like hate Anna Gunn in real like they hate Skylar so much on Breaking Bad. Personally, I think Skylar is great and I think she gets under people’s skin in a very real way and if Anna Gunn wasn’t phenomenal in this show then people wouldn’t care about that character at all and move on. The rest of these ladies? Shrugs. I think Morena does a good job in the first season, but the second season was so bland that I wouldn’t nominate her. Emilia Clarke? She’s good on GoT, but I’m not sure if I’m sold on her being the best supporting actress from last season. The chick who plays Arya might have been my choice. Anyway, the other two shows I don’t watch.

The rest of the Emmys are pretty stupid. The Emmys in general are pretty stupid. Since there is usually not one single director and instead a multitude of directors then it’s the directing of one particular episode that wins. That’s kind of weird I think. Also, Emmys are only thought about if the people actually nominate themselves to be nominated and that’s just fucking weird. So… screw those awards for the time being.

Best reality show? Well, I watch The Ultimate Fighter, Catfish, and Chopped in the U.S. of A., but the best reality show is easily the UK’s TAKE ME OUT which I wish there were new episodes every week for the rest of my life. And the best host is easily TAKE ME OUT’s host PADDY MCGUINNESS. 

Those are my picks.

You can give me yours if you like.

 

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