Who knew the Chicago Black Sox were so freakin’ ugly?

September 19, 2013

Whaddup.

You’re probably saying to yourselves, not this story AGAIN.

I know, I know. I’m really beating a dead horse here, which sounds like an illegal activity and also a warning sign for a potential sociopath shooter, but I just wanted to rehash for probably the 1000th time this week how physically unattractive the 1919 Chicago White Sox baseball team was.

If you’re confused about the White Sox, Black Sox thing then you probably aren’t hip to a near century old professional baseball tale about the underpaid White Sox team throwing the World Series for money. Whether or not the newly-minted Prohibition era story is news to you or not, let’s just start talking about what ugly looking fellas used to play professional baseball in the pre-Holocaust times.

Are you ready to have your peepers scarred forever?

GOOD LORD.

And people complain about their DMV photos? These guys should’ve put a rusty screwdriver through the head of whatever sad sack took these thoroughly unflattering photos of these men.

Well, I’m sure these are fairly accurate portraits actually. I mean it’s like the pre-Stock Market crash photographer was photoshopping these men to have lightbulb shaped heads or rotten teeth. I mean who would do that plus the technology hadn’t been invented by like 80 years, so there’s that.

Why am I talking about this?

I found myself clicking through a gallery on Sports Illustrated dot com displaying the actual athletes and the actors who portrayed them in film. Some are close and some are far off, but the most ridiculous set of pictures was this one.

On the left, are the hideous mugs of the Chicago White Sox who were just getting comfortable driving a Model T.

On the right, the cast of the 1988 movie EIGHT MEN OUT starring Charlie Sheen aka Carlos Estevez, John Cusack, David Stratharin, and Michael Rooker aka Merle from “The Walking Dead”.

I’m not saying that director John Sayles should’ve hired a bunch of ugly motherfuckers to play these ugly motherfuckers, but seriously these are some fresh faced actors playing a litany of carnival freaks. What the hell was going in 1919?

Was Chicago in a nuclear explosion like Chernobyl that I don’t know of? Was there radiation leaked into the soil from the Great Chicago Fire? WHY DO THESE MEN LOOK SO UGLY?

Legitimately, the guy 4th down on the left played by Michael Rooker looks like Nick Stahl as the yellow bastard in “Sin City”. It’s uncanny even without the yellow skin, disfigured penis, knife, whip, and tied up stripper.

Of the top 4 guys, outside of the one being played by Charlie Sheen, the other 3 looks like Dick Tracy villains. Actually the one played by Charlie Sheen kind of looks like Thomas Jane. Either way, the guy played by David Strathairn – one down on the left – is a mix of Uncle Fester and Lenny from “Of Mice and Men”. Like what in the fuck is happening here?

Not to say one can judge a book by its cover or to say that someone could’ve specifically guessed that these guys were going to throw the World Series… but C’MON! Look how squirrelly they all look. Who could’ve trusted these men to do anything?! I wouldn’t.

So… there’s that.

I guess the moral of the story is that straight women and gay men have it a lot better nowadays than they ever did. Besides a closer idea of equality and living more comfortably in society, they also don’t need to fuck these ugly ass men. I mean these guys were professional baseball players. They weren’t getting paid all that much, which is why they threw the game, but thank God pro baseball players got a lot better looking, right? I mean if you’re a straight woman or a gay man trying to seduce a professional baseball player for one reason or another then you’re not dealing with a carny hobo looking guy that you’re going to have to sleep with, so things have gotten much better.

And with that, I guess, the more you know?

 

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