Everyone Was At The Emmys, So Let’s Judge Them For IT!

September 23, 2013

Hello, hello, hallo!

I didn’t watch a single second of the Emmy awards last night. Instead I watched the second to last episode of possible the greatest TV show ever and I watched my mighty Steelers fumble their way through a game they could have won for the 3rd time in a row. I also almost had a gastric explosion, but I’m cool. And, instead of sleeping or allowing my girlfriend to sleep, we talked into the late hours about how much we love each other, which is frankly a little gay. And we’re straight. You know, so what’s the deal with that. I get kind of sappy when I’m hopped up on Ambien and my football team is eating shit.

So… there’s that.

And here’s a bunch of pictures from the Emmys of really good looking people either looking really good looking or looking terrible for no reason whatsoever!


Professional good looking person Maria Menounos was there!

Julianne Hough was there and looking nonplussed that everyone was staring at her crotch instead of just her boobs.

Mayim Bialik wants to breast feed her children until they get married, which is really the only thing you’ll ever have to know about Mayim Bialik ever. You don’t even to know her name really because if you can just memorize what she looks like then you can simply just walk in the other direction whenever you do unfortunately run across this insane person.

Anna Chlumsky is looking to get laid! And rightly so, I mean you only get a few invites to the Emmys and you might as well look like the fucking sex bomb at those appearances. It’s sad when you stop thinking like that actually. Either way, Anna looks like she’s hunting. Hunting sex.

Heidi Klum kind of scares me. I think she’s absurdly beautiful, but she freaks me out a little like she is actually an alien being who hasn’t truly immersed themselves into normal human life and this dress reinforces the idea that she could be an extraterrestrial.

One of the most popular porn genres is a hot younger chick and a hot older chick tag teaming some lucky guy. I’m just bringing that to your attention. Interesting, right? I thought so. Just thought I would share it. I guess I’ll just put this rando picture of Allison Williams and Julianna Marguiles here. It’s not like this picture if turned into a porno wouldn’t be like the highest grossing porn ever. I’m not saying that or even saying you should fantasize about this picture turning into a porn. I mean… you know.

Bring it! This woman! THIS WOMAN. Seriously. 172 episodes of Seinfeld, 88 episodes of New Adventures of Old Christine, great arcs on Arrested Development and Curb Your Enthusiasm, and 18 episodes of VEEP like a fucking gangster. I don’t care about award shows, but I’m happy she won. And I’m happy that Tony Hale won. They deserve it.

I’m over this. Can we all agree to break-up with Lena Dunham already?

The Wire = Breaking Bad?

No < and no >, but =.

I don’t like Carrie Underwood’s Sunday Night Football rendition. AT ALL. There I said it. Fucking deal with it.

Very talented woman. I feel like Amy Poehler is rare at least to me in that I knew she was talented for years before I knew she was good looking. I loved UCB and they always had Amy dressed up in the most ridiculous and unflattering get-ups. So, all that time, I thought she was hilarious, but never really thought about her being attractive and then she starts working on SNL and she’s this good looking woman. It’s different.

Is that dress like brushed aluminum? So Zooey. Totes Zooey.

Good f’n God! Look at dem Tina tits! Who knows when Tina will be back to the Emmys. I think Tina Fey has the ability of being hilarious, but she has made the most unfunny movies of all time and with that I feel like 30 Rock’s first few seasons feel flukie. I hope not, but for a beautiful and funny woman, she’s struck out in film every time up to the plate, which doesn’t bode well for post-30 Rock. Anyway, she’s fucking killing it in that dress.

Whatever alien race of superior looking human beings Heidi Klum hails from, Padma does as well. I would warm to Padma’s likeness in person like a dusty houseplant to the morning Sun.

I don’t know who Cat Deeley is. I don’t. I’ve seen her interviewed, but I have no clue who she is. I know she’s pretty and she has an accent, but that’s it. I think you’ve all made her up to fuck with me.

He looks old. She looks like her mother.

Remember, this man has mouth cancer from orally pleasing Catherine Zeta Jones cancerous vagina.

Hey, sometimes life isn’t fair. All you can hope is that Kelli’s a lesbian like Melissa Gilbert turned out to be when with Galecki.

Looks like Weekend at Bernie’s. Seriously, is Al Pacino dead? You can tell me if he is. I’ll be sad, but it won’t break me or anything. Also, you really have to question women like this one and what she does with a man who is dead, right? I mean I wouldn’t trust this woman. She has sex with a dead man or is at least comfortable with us all thinking that. I know I’m not comfortable with you thinking that I have sex with dead people. You can quote me on that.

Fuh-huck. Is Robin Wright on HGH? I mean what type of Performance Enhancing Drug is Robin Wright on because she’s 47 and fucking slamming. Rocking a pixie cut better than any bitch half her age.

Hey, Emmys, stop trying to make him John Lithgow. He’s not. The end.

Lena Headey might be wearing clothes, but I can’t see them. I’m just picturing her naked at this point. It’s not difficult. Everything is being pointed out already. It’s really only the nipples you need to think about. I’m guessing hers are dark and tiny. Well, I just looked them up on Google because they are Google-able and they are tiny, but they’re light. They’re pretty similar to Jessica Chastain’s. If you’re like oh you’re being not being fair and talking about her nipples, but not your own… well, mine are definitely bigger than hers and are a light pink. Good?

Lucky Jew bastard. Talented, but still a lucky Jew bastard.

Good looking woman.

Is this yay or nay? I’m kind of liking this on her and I’m kind of not. Am I right, ladies?! I’m turning this into a fashion blog!

I bet she sucks. Both her and her sister. I bet they suck to hang out with. I mean it would be cool to hang out with her if you were hanging out with her at a Giants game and she just huddled in the corner like she’s doing here. I guess it would be cool to hang out with her if you were sleeping with her, but isn’t that like everyone? You can hang out with pretty much anyone if at the end you’re cool with doing them. That’s Confucius shit right there.

She looks unhappier than Kate Mara. Jeez, Rose Byrne! Buck the fuck up. You’re wearing a sports bra at the Emmys. Life ain’t that bad. All though you’ve probably only eaten kale in the past 2 years. Don’t blame me for that.

How many fucking people were at this fucking show?! This gallery goes on forever!!!!

Yikes. Claire Danes won an award looking like this? I feel like I could start a nice life living in those clavicle area skin pockets. Maybe do some renovations and flip them a year or two from now.

Bride of Frankenstein Emilia Clarke. I could’ve swore she had hips, but I see I’m wrong. Also, what is all this nonsense about George R. R. Martin writing women characters SO WELL. I thought everyone was reading these books and if they are reading them then they’d know he’s no better at writing women characters than anyone else. Emilia’s Mother of Dragon’s character Dany? She’s like 15 years old, sold into marriage, raped by her husband, gets sex tips from a whore in her new husband’s gang, bangs her husband so good he stops raping her, leads her husband to ruin, leads her husbands gang to ruin, commits suicide, luckily doesn’t die and instead gets dragons, everyone follows her for her dragons, she leads those people to ruin time and time again, makes decisions based on emotions instead of logic, ends up getting a crush on a guy who looks like her dead husband, bangs him, loses her dragons, tries to kill herself again, one dragon finds her, and there you go. Such an empowering character.

Security risk. I wouldn’t have let this woman into the show. She’s obviously disturbed.

I don’t know what is happening in this Kerry Washington picture, but MAKE IT STOP. Before this moment, the most depressing image of Kerry Washington was her mutilated corpse in Last King of Scotland and this is giving it a run for its money because that was a mannequin they just threw red paint on and this is weirdly real life.

What. I mean I can’t trust this woman because she ate her and her baby’s placenta, but what the eff is she wearing, right? It’s like khaki cylinder and a set of drapes. I would have those drapes in my house. They’re decent looking drapes. The cylinder – no. The woman inside the cylinder? Wouldn’t trust her with anything. She’s a crazy person! She ate placenta!

Yeah, she looks pretty funny.

Looking good, Sarah. Apparently, this is a $60 dress. Kind of proves my theory that these generally beautiful women are all paying tons of money to look bad. They have to pay money to look bad or could show up looking good for almost no money down. Eh, what do I know?! I’m only straight and attracted to women, right? It’s not like I would know if a woman looks good or bad in a ridiculous dress. But I know, it’s not that they’re trying to look sexy all the time. Sometimes women just like dressing up like crazy people. I understand that. Anyway, Sarah Silverman doesn’t get worse looking or less talented ever.

I just photoshop him out with my brain and instead focus on Christina Hendricks seemingly curtseying to show us her phenomenal cleavage. Thanks Christina.

She looks like she’s the worst. Does anyone look like they’ve got any less of a reason of looking depressed than this chick? Seriously, what’s your big deal. What’s so sad for you to look like a person who has had at least a tolerable existence? She’s giving me no reason to believe otherwise that she’s insufferable to be around.

Wonderful. Looks beautiful, turning 61 this year, talented, and steadily working still. Also, her bosom has magical powers that can cure many social disorders. Possibly cure whatever ails idiot face Zosia Mamet up there.

Anna Gunn, killing it. Looks like she wants IT, looks great wanting IT, won an award while looking great while wanting IT.

Carla Gugino should easily be in every make up or anti aging whatever and just call it “beautiful forever” because Carla is/will be or whatever.

Pretty lady with what appears to be a dress boner. Fair enough.

I can only assume that Betsy Brandt and Emilia Clarke went to the same Bride of the undead dress and make-up designer. Looks stupid. Why would she ever want to look like this? Is she apart of a religion that doesn’t allow for mirrors? YOU LOOK LIKE A CORPSE! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A CORPSE!?!

Does that hat come off his head? Does he shower with that thing on?

Yeah… just… think it… don’t say it, right? That’s “legal”, right?

And then there’s her TV show sister…

Who looks like an expensive prostitute? Is that the look she’s going for? Expensive questionable ethnicity prostitute of questionable age? That’s the vibe I’m getting. Sarah Hyland routinely dresses up ridiculously for these red carpets. Someone needs to shoot to kill whoever is dressing her and doing her make-up and making her as dark as George Hamilton.

Don’t know who you are, but you look great.

I know who you are, but I hate that show you’re on, but you look great.

I remember you and you look like you’re a sharper than my katana. Like you’re an edged weapon. I could use Shaun Robinson’s legs to saw down tree branches or her forearm to slice up a beef brisket.

Well… I think it’s about time to wrap up this billion picture post… with… your favorite and mine… you’ve been waiting for them this whole time… they make us all feel mighty fine… and they have aged like a fine wine…


They are exquisite. Her hips and waist and face are nice as well. Although, in this picture her eyes look more like a lower set of eyebrows. Two sets of eyebrows. Eh, I can live with that. Those boobs could cure cancer if we would just let them! Let’s not even discuss her weird relationships because it only makes us sad, so let’s just remember that Sofia Vergara is on a good TV show and her and Alfre Woodard’s bosoms exist and that makes the world a better place.

How was your weekend?!

2 Responses to “Everyone Was At The Emmys, So Let’s Judge Them For IT!”

  1. Kim said

    I love your red carpets round ups! I found myself watching the arrivals last night and actually thinking about what you might say. I agree with all — and WTH happened to Paula Abdul. She looks like a big-headed alien!

  2. Hopie said

    Every single one of them looks like they belong to a very nice set of Bobble Head Celebrities that could buy from The Franklin Mint or something…..Complete with certificate of authenticity. WHY???

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