Hello all…

Before we begin tearing apart the second half of November’s movies, let’s take a look at the highly anticipated forthcoming X-Men suckfest entitled X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PASTAND OF PREQUELS PRESENT TO FORTNIGHT YESTERDAY MORNINGS AND THIS EVENING’S BRUNCH OF BREAKFAST NIGHTCAPS FOR LUNCH AND LINNER’S PURGATORY OF PENIS…

Well that was dramatic, right? I mean it was certainly helped by the Hans Zimmer classic “Time” from INCEPTION, but I’m sure there were a moment or two where you were really interested in seeing Hugh the Jackman as Wolverine for the BILLIONTH time. I’m sure this premise of movies hasn’t run its course in FIVE movies plus TWO spin-offs. THIS IS THE 7TH TIME JACKMAN IS PLAYING WOLVERINE. Isn’t that fucking nuts?

I would say AT BEST these X-Men movies are watchable. That’s really not saying a whole let. And they become a lot less watchable with multiple viewings.

And if you were not the biggest fan of the first two X-men movies then unready yourself for Days of Future Past because Bryan Singer is back as the director.

Does that mean I won’t see X-Men: Days of Future Past… hardly. HARDLY! HARDLY?!?!?!?!

They’re watchable as mentioned. They’re also really fun to make fun of, which is incredibly easy to do. The scope of the X-Men movies are quite grand, but the acting and level of seriousness is that of a made-for-TV movie. There is a ton of stupidity throughout these movies as well as just general silliness. Not to mention, they’ve completely mishandled most of the characters because they really don’t want to make ensemble movies as much as they want to focus on one (Wolverine) or two characters (Magneto, Professor X) and the rest are bad imaginings of the beloved comic/cartoon superheroes.

I mean I love Jennifer Lawrence and everything, but they turned Mystique into a Gossip Girl cry-girl who just so happens to be able to shape-shift. And, that’s not nearly the worst crime. Rogue? They fucking ruined Rogue in every way imaginable. It’s more likely Lorelei Gilmore will be able to solve her problems than Charles Xavier. OH SNAP! Cyclops? Pretty much Captain America with eye lasers was turned into a beta male, pussy. Thanks, Singer!

Anyway… let’s talk about shitty movies you’ll actually be able to see next month and not next year.

THE BEST MAN HOLIDAY

We’re all thinking it… say it with me! BLAC… Nia Long is gorgeous and always has been and I wish she would appear in a movie that I could ever see myself watching.

CHARLIE COUNTRYMAN

The only Shia LaBeouf movies I’m planning on watching are the TMZ ones where he gets the shit kicked out of him outside of bars. This movie looks like it has no focus whatsoever, just like the star of it. The explanation of the movie is he has a dream which causes him to get on a train to only run into a girl who he ends up having to save from the drug lords. Yeah? And you want me to watch Shia LaBeouf be the hero of that? Maybe Jason Statham… maybe, but probably not even then.

DEAR MR. WATTERSON

This is a documentary about Calvin & Hobbes. I’m sure interesting and great and everything, but who cares about all that. What’s more important, this movie will totally get you laid. And by you, I mean someone more like me and/or younger and good looking. And by get you laid, I mean laid by one of those girls who is quietly nerdy in class or at work and is quietly slutty with her vagina during the off hours. So, if you can find a girl who owns both a copy of “Where the Wild Things Are” and a vibrator then this should be your first date.

NEBRASKA

I do really like Alexander Payne or did love Alexander Payne and/or am willing to love him again. ELECTION is a flawless movie. ABOUT SCHMIDT is quite good. SIDEWAYS is still pretty excellent if you can still look past the INSANITY that Virginia Madsen would ever want her naked parts on Paul Giamatti’s naked parts. ANYWAY… I didn’t like THE DESCENDANTS, but mostly everyone else did. I also hated the TV show HUNG. Whatever. He’s obviously got talent and let’s hope that comes to forefront again in this movie, which stars Bruce Dern and Will Forte…

After receiving a sweepstakes letter in the mail, a cantankerous father (Bruce Dern) thinks he’s struck it rich, and wrangles his son (Will Forte) into taking a road trip to claim the fortune. Shot in black and white across four states, Nebraska tells the stories of family life in the heartland of America.

The snip-it doesn’t mention that the sweepstakes letter appears to be a fake, but Dern believes it to be real and the town gets caught up into it being real because of Dern’s steadfast belief. The movie looks like it could be quite good. It also could be whatever. I’m a big fan of Forte, so I’ll definitely be rooting for this.

SUNLIGHT JR.

How about I let the synopsis do my WTF for me…

“Sunlight Jr.” spotlights hard-working convenience store clerk Melissa (Naomi Watts) and her disabled boyfriend, Richie (Matt Dillon), who are trapped in a generational cycle of poverty. Their luck may be changing when they learn that Melissa has become pregnant. But as soon as she loses her job and they get evicted from the motel they live in, their joy vanishes. Through this adversity, the couple realizes that they can never lose everything as long as they have each other.

So, did you get that Naomi Watts – the same woman who played a HOT MILF and Princess Diana this year – is playing a convenience store clerk? Where is this 7-11? Heaven? Get it?! It rhymes! No way is this movie going to be good.

DELIVERY MAN

I don’t even know what to think of Vince Vaughn anymore. At one time, a hero. Now, a stranger. Honestly, it would have been crazy circa 2003 for me to think that Vince Vaughn could come out with a movie and I wouldn’t be psyched for it, but that’s been a learned reaction over the past decade. VINCE!!!! BE FUNNY AGAIN!!!!

FROZEN

It’s a kids movie. It also sounds a little like The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe minus the first and the last. It’s a snow world with an ice queen and instead of a lion there’s just some buff dude. It’s cartoon. You’ll be seeing it if you’ve spawned little versions of yourself.

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE

I think we’ve heard of this movie. I’ll see it. I’m expecting to understand absolutely none of it though. Whatever was unexplained in the first one didn’t really interfere with the movie watching experience… well except for the faces of people on the giant killer dogs or whatever that CGI mess was… but I’m guessing that will go out the window and this movie will be quite difficult to follow if you haven’t read the book, which I haven’t. Anyway, I guess I’ll just stare at Jennifer Lawrence the whole time hoping that she has to defeat Jena Malone’s Hunger Games enemy character by having steaming lesbian sex with her to weaken her before killing her. That’s really the only expectation I have or will have for the 2nd act in my head.

I do like the choice of director Francis Lawrence.

 

PHILOMENA

I’m all for Steve Coogan playing jokes off of Dame Judi Dench. So the movie is Dench and Coogan a BBC reporter (Sixsmith) searching for Dench’s son she gave up for adoption to America years earlier. Fair enough.

As for “Sixsmith”, is that a common English name? I kind of like and I kind of want to give it a swirlie. Mixed emotions. There was a guy named Sixsmith in CLOUD ATLAS and that’s the true true.

BLACK NATIVITY

Errrr… nah. It’s not a Tyler Perry movie, but it should be. Or at least that’s what it seems like it will be. A Christian parable in a wholesome modern African-American setting. Doesn’t that just scream entertainment?!

HOMEFRONT

Terrible.

Jason Statham sucks.

I thought Jason Statham was going to be a legit actor after I saw SNATCH. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Thank God no one took me up on a bet of some sort involving that. I can’t even stomach watching him sidekick shirtless anymore.

Also, James Franco is a ridiculous and awful choice to play Statham’s villain. Unless, they’re teaching Franco how to roundhouse kick.

Originally, this movie was made for Clive Owen I think or at the very least an actor whose greatest attributes are not axe kicks with his nipples exposed. This movie simply looks dreadful.

OLDBOY

Seriously? This still hasn’t come out?!

This movie will outright fucking BOMB in theaters. I can’t imagine anyone who saw the original will legit want to see this crap at all let alone in the theaters. I really can’t imagine anyone who hasn’t seen the original has any fucking clue what’s going on in the trailers to the point that it looks appealing.

The movie looks less understandable to a typical American theater goer than if they played the original OLDBOY in Korean without subtitles.

MANDELA: LONG WALK TO FREEDOM

Well, it can’t be worse than Jennifer Hudson’s movie about his wife. Did you see those reviews? WOW! People hated that movie.

As for this Idris Elba version, I mean I can only imagine the average watcher of this movie will be your average white chick with a Netflix account who masturbates wildly to LUTHER reruns. You can quote me on that.

AND THAT’S NOVEMBER.

Save your money for Hunger Games and December it seems like.

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Good week, readers!

I was thinking about Hugh Hefner the other day. I was thinking that I hope when he dies that all the Playboy playmates throughout the years will tell the truth about if they banged that old bag of bones? And, if they did, how terrible was it?

Right now, Hef is 87 years old and his girlfriend/wife/concubine is 27 years old. When people ask how young is too young or how old is too old? 60 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS IS DEFINITELY THE ANSWER.

I’m curious if he is actually banging these broads or have we just been lead to believe he is? Both answers are creepy. Why would we want to think that 87 year old men are banging 27 year olds? Especially, to get us to buy a magazine. Either way, it’s weird and when he kicks the bucket, I’d like some info about what was really going on because I feel like none of these broads are talking now because he’s still alive and they owe him strangely for taking pictures of them naked for everyone to see.

ANYWHATZZLE!

NOVEMBER MOVIE PREVIEWS!!!!! – part 1

So, I took a quick glance at the November movies and there’s the HUNGER GAMES and … well … there are two Jared Leto movies, which has got to be the first time that’s ever happened. Outside of that, hmmmmm, well it seems like slim pickens. December is definitely a much better month for movies, but we gots to get through one to get to the other, so here we go!

ABOUT TIME

It’s either women or it’s Hollywood or it’s both, but you’ve gone fucking crazy with this “every guy with a British accent is hot” thing. Because it’s getting fucking ridiculous. Seriously, if all it takes is a British accent and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE then I would have adopted a Brit accent years ago. I can do a British accent. Watch a couple of Guy Ritchie movies and I can speak in one of those phoney baloney accents in no time.

So, this movie is about some British ginger pip-squeak who can travel in time when he goes into a closet and through all of this — he fucks Rachel McAdams.

Honestly, this is a pretty great idea for a movie …. FOR DUDES. For chicks, I don’t understand it. For dudes, it’s a movie about a guy who has no business having sex with Rachel McAdams, but he gets superpowers and uses them to trick Rachel McAdams, so he can bang Rachel McAdams. I mean that’s dude writing 101. That’s some brilliant shit right there. That’s a movie that guys can relate to.

Hey guy, what super power would you like?

Probably flying.

Hmmm… have you thought about time travel because if you watch this movie it will teach you that time travel will help you bang any hot chick you’ve always wanted to bang by pulling a Bill Murray on Andie McDowell GROUNDHOG DAY scenario on her.

That’s fucking brilliant. I would like time travel please!

– end scene –

As for chicks? Well, again, you’re more of an object of desire than a person, first. Second, even one as seemingly flawlessly attractive as Rachel McAdams is, she still has to bang a ginger pip-squeak because he’s the one with the super powers and not you and/or Rachel McAdams. ANYWAY! It’s a rom-com!

NEXT!!!!

DALLAS BUYERS CLUB

The movie with most likely the most potential for being good/great this November is Matthew McConaughey with AIDS. And Jared Leto with AIDS! WOOOOOO!!!!

So, McConaughey has quickly become one of the best working actors over the past couple years and this movie looks like it will be sad, but has potential for being a cry-a-thon good movie, right?

I’m pretty interested in seeing this although it’s pretty disturbing seeing McConaughey look like that.

DIANA

Did you want to see a movie glorifying Princess Diana’s affair Hasnat Khan to only lead up to glorifying the car crash that ended their lives? Well, HERE IT IS!

This movie was absolutely decimated as being classless and unnecessary. So have fun renting it or seeing it in the theaters, said nobody.

ENDER’S GAME

Is it that Ender is not playing a game at all and that he’s really killing aliens or something real and at some point they have to tell him and blah blah blah? Is that it or what? I don’t want to see this movie because it looks like absolute shit, it has Harrison Ford in it, and it also looks like absolute shit. Not to mention, I didn’t read the book obviously. Oh yeah, and the author came out as a homophobe a few months ago. So, yeah, sweet!

This movie will TANK.

LAST LOVE

Remember that bit earlier about Hugh Hefner banging a 27 year old or not? Well, I wasn’t intending for that to be at all foreshadowing for something later in this post, but it is. So, Last Love is about Michael Caine being all old and ED-ridden probably. And, he just so happens to meet a dance instructor played by Clemence Posey. She’s that chick from the Harry Potter movies who plays the hot chick who is the leader of the hot chick wizards and she enters that maze and is saved by the ginger. I think that’s what happens. Anyway, she’s the hot one who just so happened to be in Harry Potter after she had already appeared topless in several movies, which made internet scummers like myself very happy.

Michael Caine 80.

Clemence Posey who looks great topless is 31.

Oh yeah, Gillian Anderson is in the movie and plays Michael Caine’s daughter I think. It’s nice to see that Gillian is getting back into being famous again. Not through this movie, but other stuff. I’m just saying she’s working and hopefully she gets into a movie that requires nudity because honestly finding a movie that is actually good is a million times more difficult.

LAST VEGAS

Jeez! I really wasn’t foreshadowing anything with that Hugh Hefner thing in my mind, but maybe all Freudian subconsciously I was.

So, Last Vegas is about Michael Douglas – who you may remember from insinuating that his ex-wife(?)/soon-to-be-ex-wife Catherine Zeta-Jones had a cancerous vagina – being old and marrying someone young and him and his old buddies go to Las Vegas as a bachelor party filled with degrading women more than half their age and a bunch of jokes about boner pill medication. I just read the synopsis and it mentions that a bunch of guys who are in their 60’s… well, Douglas is 69, De Niro 70, Freeman is 76, and Kline is the youngest at 66. So, 60’s is not factual and kind of generous.

Supposedly, the 69 year old Douglas is marrying a chick in her 30’s in the movie, but with the way Hollywood casts it’s probably Dakota Fanning’s younger sister Elle or maybe a classmate of hers in middle school.

MAN OF TAI CHI

Did you want to see a martial arts movie directed by Keanu Reeves and starring someone you’ve never heard of doing a martial art not known for being particularly offensive and filled with a bunch of mystical mumbo jumbo? Yeah? Me neither.

Ok.

Seriously, if you go to an actual martial arts school, they’ll teach you practical shit and it will work and none of it will be focused on ethereal powers. It will instead be about how to throw a proper punch, how to take some down, how to get back up if you’ve been taken down, and how to break something on the other person’s body if need be.

MR. NOBODY

Jared Leto is in this movie that is probably both too artsy to have a point and too not good to be watchable, so there’s that.

THE ARMSTRONG LIE

If you still want to hear about Lance Armstrong and him taking the drugs we all thought he was taking because cycling is known for rampant drug use then here’s a documentary featuring the man himself. It looks good for what it is.

I wonder what Robin Williams thinks of all the Lance Armstrong lying and so forth. Robin Williams was a notable Lance Armstrong supporter for years. He did his events and wore the bracelet and went on TV promoting Lance. I wonder what happened with that… oh wait, I don’t care. I’m sorry. I thought I did, but I just remembered I don’t.

ASS BACKWARDS

Casey Wilson and June Diane Raphael wrote and star in this comedy that is a cross between Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion and Toddlers & Tiaras. Both ladies are quite funny, so it could be good. It probably won’t be in theaters so you’ll have to iTunes or Netflix it.

BEST MAN DOWN

I thought this sounded possibly good too. It’s about a best man who gets to crazy at the wedding and dies and the bride & groom are forced into throwing the funeral for him and so forth. It’s a dark comedy and Justin Long is the main guy. Potential?

THE BOOK THIEF

That was a book, right? Sounds familiar. Will most likely never read a page of the book or see a second of the movie, but I’d like you to know that it exists.

HOW I LIVE NOW

I don’t know what this is about nor do I care. It’s probably some tween nonsense. Anyway… I would like to just say that Saoirse Ronan who is in that movie is a good actress and she’s apparently tested for the new Star Wars movie. I think Saorise could be great in one of those movies just as I think she could be great in a bunch of movies, but I think that new Star Wars movie will suck and that’s not really on her or the other actors that may or may not be cast. If the Star Trek reboot is at all indicative of what the Star Wars 7 will be like then expect soulless movies, which really isn’t anything new to Star Wars or Star Trek fans, but I’m just mentioning it’s not appreciated. Anyway…

THE MOTEL LIFE

Looks boring… either way, Dakota Fanning is in that and the above goes for her as well, but I don’t know if she tested for Star Wars. Just saying, there are some talented young actresses out there who could be in good movies, but generally are not because Hollywood is stupid.

Last… and certainly least…

THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Pretty much everything I want to say about the upcoming Thor movie can be found in this post I wrote back in early August…

https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2013/08/07/thor-the-dark-world-looks-as-stupid-as-the-first/

The only thing I would like to add is something I saw some random person online mention and that’s…

Wouldn’t the real Thor prefer Kat Dennings over Natalie Portman?

I’m not talking about Hemsworth, but the actual viking god.

Wouldn’t an all powerful viking from the days of drinking honey mead and going to war and such prefer a buxom, curvy woman who screams fertility as well as an ability to feed a nation with her big jugs be his preference? Natalie Portman is gorgeous, but she’s also a solid 85 pounds with clothes on and would probably appear as a sickly child to Thor. A sexy faced sickly child, but a sickly child nonetheless. Meanwhile, Tits McGee with her lips and hair and everything else would easily draw the Norse Lord’s attention more.

So, there’s that.

And that’s the first half of November. I’ll catch everyone up with the second half tomorrow.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

You say, HOW FAMOUS IS HE?!

And then I say, DEION SANDERS IS SO FAMOUS…

HE GIVES PEOPLE A BOBBLEHEAD OF HIMSELF AND THEY’RE HAPPY TO RECEIVE IT!!!!!

It is a good looking bobblehead.

Before I explain that…

HOW IS EVERYONE DOING?! Great, right?!

I’m sure you’re doing great. I’m sure you’re not dealing with an overly-emotional lawyer. I’m sure you’re just having a great day. Like so great, when you look at yourself in the mirror you’re like, “Damn, I’m having a good nipples day.”

That’s 10x better than having a good hair day. If you know your nipples are looking strong that day then you’re in fucking game mode for life.

Back to Mr. “PRIME TIME” Deion Sanders.

I did not like Deion Sanders as an athlete.

I did not like him as a baseball player.

I did not like him as a football player.

Why?

I was a Bo Jackson man.

If you were a Bo Jackson man then you weren’t a Deion Sanders fan. Ok? Ya dig?!

Second, who cares about baseball? Seriously, get over that sport. It’s boring.

Third, Deion didn’t hit anybody in football. Not only did he not hit anyone, but he played a position where you’re supposed to hit people. And he didn’t. Deion was an incredible athlete who somehow played his position of cornerback so well through speed, positioning, timing, and finesse that he never needed to hit anyone. He was faster and more agile than most if not all wide receivers so he would out athlete and outwit them when the ball would come flying their way… that is, if it did come their way because that didn’t happen that often as quarterbacks rarely threw to the receiver that Deion was guarding.

Actually, a lot of teams (all teams?) would running passing plays that would deliberately make Deion run from one side of the field to the other and while he was running the one way, the quarterback would attempt a pass to the side of the field Deion was running away from. Some call it a drag route. So, a wide receiver was simply the decoy for Deion to follow, but with Deion being Deion – that team’s “decoy” was going to be the best receiver they had. So, teams were heading into a game against whomever Deion was playing for with the idea that they couldn’t really throw the ball to their best receiver. Ain’t that some shit? FOOTBALL!

Nevertheless, I was a Rod Woodson man and a Rod Woodson man likes to see a wide receiver’s helmet pop off as Rod Woodson laid the smack down on them. So, Deion was not my thing.

Also, I hated the Dallas Cowboys and Deion played for them for awhile. This is all neither here nor there or other there.

Because…

I LOVE DEION SANDERS ON TELEVISION!

Yep. The man is brilliant on the teevee as an NFL analyst or TV cohost or what have you.

Back to how famous and beloved and so forth Deion is, every Thursday night, the best football player that night from the winning team comes up and sits at the Thursday Night Football desk with the former players like Deion and Deion’s got a present for him.

That present? That fucking bobblehead referencing Deion’s character from a TV commercial.

That’s a fucking famous person.

If you went to Hugh Jackman’s Christmas party – GOD WILLING – and he bought presents for everybody, do you think those presents would be Wolverine action figures?

They could. And they should. But I doubt the Jackman would do that. Nah, he’d get you tickets to see some Broadway play he’s in or his friend is in or he’d knit everyone sweaters or give everyone matching luggage sets. That’s the type of nice shit Hugh Jackman would do.

Also, everyone would get the same thing as to not show favoritism. Also, the nice type of shit the Jackman would do.

Back to Deion… if you’re unfamiliar with the commercial…

I love this commercial.

Deion’s great in it, the character of Leon Sandcastle is exceptional, the girl doing his make-up in the beginning is an internet model and I recognize her, and it birthed bobbleheads that Deion Sanders gives out to other freak men football players like himself each and every Thursday.

I love football.

I love you all.

I have a headache.

I hope you have a great weekend.

Whaddup, lovers and loverettes!

I am busy typing my eyes into retinal failure as I’m writing 4 top 20 lists for the UFC’s 20th anniversary on November 16th at UFC 167. The articles though are due tomorrow and they’re not short lists to begin with and each entry on the list requires a 200+ word explanation, so carry the one and carry the two and you’ve got 16,000+ words that need to be written. ARGH!

Anyway…

Here’s a funny video.

It’s Triumph the insult comic dog pooping all over the drunk people at the Great American Beer festival in Denver.

Also there’s this…

It’s from Pete Holmes who did the Batman/Superman sketch I posted earlier this week or last week or whenever. Both are hilarious. I know I’m a nerd because I think this sketch is fucking genius and I hope Holmes makes a billion more of them.

AND FINALLY!

What will I be dressed as for Halloween at the Halloween party I’m attending Friday night…

Well…

I’m…

Going…

As…

AXE COP!

I’M GOING TO CHOP OFF YOUR HEAD!!

Whatever. I’m nerd. He’s amazing.

Bye.

Happy Hump Day…

… or most of it?

I got kind of bored and hated every song expect for “Roar”, so I gave up.

WHADDUP!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So, I had a pretty great weekend. I cooked some foods, I hung out with Danielle, I watched the funniest movie ever (“The Room”), I hung out with Coco, I watched arguably the greatest UFC PPV ever (UFC 166), I drank some beer, the Steelers beat the Ravens, I ate 6 apple cider donuts, and I didn’t have to go to a wedding.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

BOOBS!

Katy Perry’s boobs make me so angry that’s how amazing they are. And yet, her music makes me so very apathetic. It’s like Katy Perry should let her boobs write more of her music because they’re way more emotion inducing than the music that comes out of her mouth or brain or some shitty record producer’s brain.

I was planning on writing this on Friday, but I lost track of time and didn’t get a chance to do it in the usually allocated 12pm to 1pm hour of my updates.

Katy Perry’s new album is “Prism” and “Prism” can be listened to for free here – http://www.hitfix.com/news/listen-stream-katy-perrys-new-album-prism-in-whole

It’s a streaming version of the album put up to whet the appetite of Perry fans and instead has only made me dread hearing whatever the second single will be off this album. I listened to 8 of the songs and “Roar” is like “Stairway to Heaven” in comparison. I wasn’t too big of a fan of Perry’s previous hit “Teenage Dream”, but that song is fucking the Mona Lisa of songs in comparison to these crap-sicles. Yes, a piece of crap frozen to be a popsicle. Which is apparently a word that WordPress wants me to capitalize the P for. I’M NOT CAPITALIZE POPSICLE, WORDPRESS, YOU JACKASS.

So, the album sucks. At least tracks #2 thru 8 do.

The songs are all uninspired and sound like stock music from crappy teeny bopper movies, which honestly most of Katy’s other songs sound like that. “California Girls”? That sounds like it was written for a scene in “Clueless” that got cut from the theatrical release.

If you don’t know, Katy used to sing religious songs or something. I don’t even really know. Her dad was a preacher I think and she was the cliche “Footloose” preacher’s daughter who is also the town harlot? Or became the town harlot as a persona in her music career. Either way, a lot of religious overtones. I wouldn’t say “undertones” because it’s right in front of you. It’s literally the last song is called “By the Grace of God”. Minus one or two songs, this album could be a Christian pop album. It’s talking about everlasting love and, well, God in a bunch of songs. A couple of other songs talk about one night stands, which easily could be cut out like the entire album.

Anyway… let’s get onto it. Here are my thoughts as I was hearing the first 8 tracks of this 13 track album…

ROAR

I do like this song. And, I do think it is somewhat of a ripoff of the Sara Bareilles “Brave”. Danielle and I have listened to both songs, she doesn’t hear a connection, but I do and whatever who cares. They’re both good songs. I mean if Katy and Sara want to settle this dispute with a naked Brazilian jiu-jitsu match then by all means please record it in HD and make it affordably priced. Outside of that…

It’s catchy and fun and the lyrics are not bad for this Wheaties feminism jam.

LEGENDARY LOVERS

Did you expect an Egyptian, romantic-pop ballad? I didn’t.

At least, it wasn’t about John Mayer. Or Russell Brand. Or any of the weirdo guys who Katy Perry has sex with.

BIRTHDAY

If you have a daughter under the age of 15, get used to hearing this song. It’s going to be in every kids movie for girls for now until I die at 127. It’s G rated, candy corn, artificial sweetner nonsense. Literally, Katy Perry is singing about eating birthday cake and not like in a funny way, but like how a stock music song in the background of a Robin Williams movie would sing it when he somehow succeeds against all odds to get his kid to Disney World on their birthday. Who am I kidding? It’s 2013, it’s more likely Ice Cube who is the dad getting his kid to Disney World.

There was almost one redeeming moment of the song. The first being the part where Perry sings that they’re going to bring out the “B-B-B-B-B-” and that goes on for a bit and every fiber of my very existence was praying she would say “C” eventually and this song was about getting some big black cock for her birthday.

As expected, Perry does try to sex up the song with her breathy happy birthday, which is supposed to be a reference to Marilyn Monroe I suppose and her fucking the married President’s dick who was later assassinated, which is what happens to married men who parade around their mistress on television, right?

WALKING ON AIR

Erotica rhymes with exotica?

It kind of sounds like every Fatboy Slim song plus Katy Perry singing “tonight, I’m walking on air” over and over again. It’s got an up-tempo beat that’s good enough as background noise, but the song itself is pretty throw away as an actual song with any substance. It works as fast, dance-y noise.

UNCONDITIONALLY

I guess this jam isn’t about Russell Brand. Does anyone find it somewhat hypocritical for someone who isn’t known for having long lasting relationships to scream over and over that they’ll love someone unconditionally? It’s not just a Katy Perry thing, but really a lot of entertainers. I mean they say that you’re supposed to “write about what you know” and in most cases that doesn’t seem to be true. Look at Woody Allen’s movies. None of them are about getting married to your adopted daughter. A lot of them are about having an attraction to younger women, but that’s pretty standard in Hollywood and is pretty standard in the general masturbatory nature of writing I suppose. One would think Woody Allen’s movies would be more focused on being a creep, being a lecherous creep, watching the New York Knicks play basketball, and probably de-virginizing your adopted Asian daughter while your wife is out food shopping. Of course, that’s just a guess. I mean Mia Farrow probably still went to the grocery store. I could see her still going to the grocery store while wearing like a sweater-material cape. “Sweater-material”? I guess I mean wool or woolen or whatever-en.

So far, I’m thoroughly unimpressed with this album. It simply sounds like stock music made for Freddie Prinze Jr. movies.

DARK HORSE Feat. JUICY J

This is an F+ version of Katy and Kanye’s “E.T.”.

I legit never thought I would want to hear that song again, but “Dark Horse” makes me crave “E.T.”.

Not a fan of “Dark Horse”.

THIS IS HOW WE DO

I guess after the entrance of a rapper, it inspires into having her own Bgirl style for this throwaway for me. “This is how we do” is about as topical as saying “2 legit to quit”. So, the song is more or less an ode to the frivolous youth who get drunk and make bad decisions at the bar from girls doing the walk of shame to people sexing an ugmo because of their beer goggles, and it all reads boring and it reads like Katy Perry really wishes she could get some of Kesha’s fans. It’s forgettable.

INTERNATIONAL SMILE

This would great for the next “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” movie where they have a montage of the girls wearing the magical jeans that somehow perfectly fit 3 skinny girls’ asses and some fat chick’s ass, right?! Let’s make two movies about this?! Can you even believe there was one movie about that? The storyline was legit about 4 chicks sharing a pair of jeans and what made it so crazy is that they fit America Ferrera’s super butt and Alexis Biedel’s negative butt in the same capacity.

But seriously, all who were involved in making that movie should have been shot when the most glorious fat shaming moment happens when SOMEHOW America Ferrera fits into the same pair of pants that Blake Lively does. Those people should’ve all been hit with a double barrel dose of rocksalt to the stomach and butt. BLAM and then BLAM! And then someone should’ve keyed their car and stepped on their foot with a pair of cleats.

Oh yeah, and the song sucks.

If you can get through more of this than I did then congrats.

I did skip to the last track “By the Grace of God” or whatever and made it through about 30 seconds of that. Yuck. I don’t want to hear faux dramatic songs from the chick who shot whip cream out of her whip cream can nipple bra.

It’s not that dance-y, it’s too innocent for adults, it doesn’t have enough depth for girls who light candles, and I can’t tell what single will be the next one, which isn’t good when that’s what these albums are made to do – sell singles on iTunes.

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