Dear “HOMELAND”, Stop Sucking So Much. Yours In Christ, Kay-Swidge-Izzle

October 9, 2013

Good day!

I would like to talk to you for un momento about the acclaimed Showtime television series HOMELAND

… and how much it sucks.


The first season of this terrorist, thriller, rom-dram was all everyone who had seen it could talk about. We would all collectively walk through life with exclamations about “Homeland” being hurled at our ears like…

“OMG Claire Danes is amazeballs!”


“I never saw ‘Band of Brothers’ and I heard of ‘Life’, but never before have I wanted to orally massage a ginger’s penis like Damian Lewis’ aka Brody!”


“Mandy Patinkin?! More like Mandy Pat-greatest-fucking-thing-on-TV-ink-in!”

It was all any of us heard for a year. A YEAR!!!!!!

That was until the second season started. That was until the show started to show it couldn’t keep alive the magic of the first season. That’s when we all started to hate and laugh at the main character of the show…


Ahhhh… yes. The “cry face”. Suddenly, the show’s central point, that being the emotional performance by the bi-polar featured protagonist Carrie Mathison was now a meme. A MEME! NO ONE CAN RECOVER FROM A MEME!!!!! DON’T THEY KNOW THAT?!

At the same time as the whole world was laughing at the emotional core of the show, the show was actively falling to pieces with storylines that no one cares about and spending a vexxing amount of time trying to make a known terrorist and a known CIA terrorist hater have a Ross and Rachel love affair that no one was buying. Add in a few 300 annoying BRODY! shrills an episode from either Claire or Brody’s wife played by the lovely and oft unclothed Morena Baccarin, mix in a few 1000 eye rolls from Brody’s daughter Dana plus a series of overly complicated storylines on her end, never mention the son, make the most interesting character on the show be some absolute new guy with no explained backstory (Peter Quinn), make the previously likable Saul – Patinkin- very unlikable as well as make him Jew-ier with each agonizing episode, and really just mail in whatever the fuck was happening in the second season altogether.

That was season 2. A season that ended with a litany of insane things happening with an audience sitting at home utterly bored and wondering if this show’s first season was really as good as they remember it.

It’s never good when a featured character’s story is a cliffhanger and you’re hoping for them to fall and die…

Brody flees to Canada – Good. I hope we never see him again and he dies in a log cabin.

Carrie is pretty much gone from the CIA – Good. I hope she never gets her job back.

Saul’s wife leaves him – Good. Who would ever marry that mopy fuck?

Dana commits suicide – Good. Get her off this show forever! RUN AWAY FROM HOMELAND!

220 CIA people die in an explosion including other featured character David – GOOD! I hope every character from the CIA I’ve met is dead and I never watch this show again.

Can’t remember anything else that happened – Also, good. Need to expunge as much from the second season from my brain as I can.

Soooooo… that leads up into the THIRD season of “Homeland”, which started a couple weeks ago.

Am I watching it?

Of fucking course I am because I am an idiot.

The problem is, the first season was quite good. The second season sucked angry gorilla penis. The third season? Who knows! It could be good, right? Maybe they just headed down a wrong way last season and they made it out on the other side and they’ll correct themselves this year. ? ? ??? ????? ???????????? ????????? RIGHT?!!!!!????!?!!?!?


Wrong-zo. Wrong-zo, indeed.

The third season of “Homeland” sucks.

It’s stupid and it sucks and I don’t know why I’m watching it.

At this point, I don’t even watch it on Sunday. I mean I watch football like a damn red-blooded American who defeated the Nazi’s and walked on the Moon. But I have no interest in watching “Homeland” on Sunday. I tape it. I tape it and I end up watching it on Tuesday. Why Tuesday? Because there’s nothing else fucking on TV minus CATFISH and that insanity doesn’t come on until 10pm and REAL SPORTS is only on a Tuesday once a month and the NFL network’s most recent episode of THIS FOOTBALL LIFE was about Matt Millen and between Matt Millen running the Detroit Lions into a 0-16 season and Matt Millen defending Penn State University at first because he went there and couldn’t believe they were raping children – well, I just couldn’t give a flying fuck about Matt Millen and am forced to watch my DVRed episode of “Homeland”.

Seriously, it’s gotten to the point when “Homeland’s” strangled cat trumpet intro starts, I want to scream. It’s illogical that I’m watching it. I don’t even know what’s the point of the show.

I’m sure you’re really interested in what’s happening this third season, so I’m going to tell you…

Brody – No clue. We haven’t seen him yet. He’ll seemingly appear in the next episode for the first time this season and I’m really dreading that. Who the fuck cares? Just die!

Carrie – Well, she’s gone off her meds! SHOCKING! And she’s crying a ton and swearing she could have done this or that because she’s the CIA super agent while everyone else in the CIA is either bomb fodder or has their thumb so far up their fucking butt that they’re picking their teeth with its nail.

Saul – Well, he sucks. He’s a flaccid impotent beard who now is throwing out anti-Islamic shit at the cute Muslim intern he has. So, I wish he had died in the explosion.

Peter Quinn – Ummm… well… he’s a teleporter. That’s what we learned last episode. He just teleports to wherever he wants to be at a given time and he’s a sad sack and I guess we’ll never find out why he was stalking his wife in Philadelphia last season or whatever.

F. Murray Abraham – I couldn’t tell you his character’s name, but he’s doing jack shit. He’s neither the bad guy the show needs him to be or an explained character at all. Last season, he was mentioned once like he was a fucking phantom and had one scene that I ABSOLUTELY HATED with him and Saul talking pie in a diner – yes, this is a show about terrorism – and now he’s just some dude walking around the office doing as mentioned jack shit.

Jessica (wife) – She’s not getting naked. That’s for sure. That was the best aspect of her character from the moment we first saw her naked in her first scene on the TV show until now when she’s just not doing much of anything except for wearing all of her clothes.

Dana – Well, she’s now flashing nips as she’s been cured from her suicide by the magical cock of a Twilight inspired teenage boy who also tried to commit suicide.

The son – No idea what the son’s name is, but he’s doing nothing per usual.

? – I think that’s it. I don’t think there are any other characters on the show doing anything or to be mentioned, so that’s the great third season of “Homeland”.

There’s a good chance I’ll watch the third episode. There’s also a good chance I’ll stop watching the show altogether following the third episode. There’s also a decent chance that I’ve already watched my last episode of “Homeland”.

I gave up on shows that I really liked at some point like “The Sopranos” (yep, that show got awful), “Rescue Me” (also awful, and more masturbatory for Denis Leary than literally watching Denis Leary masturbate), and “NYPD Blue” (Jimmy Smits held that show together and the kid from “Silver Spoons” ruined it) and I’m guessing “Homeland” will soon enough join them.



One Response to “Dear “HOMELAND”, Stop Sucking So Much. Yours In Christ, Kay-Swidge-Izzle”

  1. Kim said

    So glad I flounced in the first season.

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