What the EFF are we listening to? KATE PERRY’s “PRISM” full album edition…

October 21, 2013

… or most of it?

I got kind of bored and hated every song expect for “Roar”, so I gave up.

WHADDUP!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

So, I had a pretty great weekend. I cooked some foods, I hung out with Danielle, I watched the funniest movie ever (“The Room”), I hung out with Coco, I watched arguably the greatest UFC PPV ever (UFC 166), I drank some beer, the Steelers beat the Ravens, I ate 6 apple cider donuts, and I didn’t have to go to a wedding.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

BOOBS!

Katy Perry’s boobs make me so angry that’s how amazing they are. And yet, her music makes me so very apathetic. It’s like Katy Perry should let her boobs write more of her music because they’re way more emotion inducing than the music that comes out of her mouth or brain or some shitty record producer’s brain.

I was planning on writing this on Friday, but I lost track of time and didn’t get a chance to do it in the usually allocated 12pm to 1pm hour of my updates.

Katy Perry’s new album is “Prism” and “Prism” can be listened to for free here – http://www.hitfix.com/news/listen-stream-katy-perrys-new-album-prism-in-whole

It’s a streaming version of the album put up to whet the appetite of Perry fans and instead has only made me dread hearing whatever the second single will be off this album. I listened to 8 of the songs and “Roar” is like “Stairway to Heaven” in comparison. I wasn’t too big of a fan of Perry’s previous hit “Teenage Dream”, but that song is fucking the Mona Lisa of songs in comparison to these crap-sicles. Yes, a piece of crap frozen to be a popsicle. Which is apparently a word that WordPress wants me to capitalize the P for. I’M NOT CAPITALIZE POPSICLE, WORDPRESS, YOU JACKASS.

So, the album sucks. At least tracks #2 thru 8 do.

The songs are all uninspired and sound like stock music from crappy teeny bopper movies, which honestly most of Katy’s other songs sound like that. “California Girls”? That sounds like it was written for a scene in “Clueless” that got cut from the theatrical release.

If you don’t know, Katy used to sing religious songs or something. I don’t even really know. Her dad was a preacher I think and she was the cliche “Footloose” preacher’s daughter who is also the town harlot? Or became the town harlot as a persona in her music career. Either way, a lot of religious overtones. I wouldn’t say “undertones” because it’s right in front of you. It’s literally the last song is called “By the Grace of God”. Minus one or two songs, this album could be a Christian pop album. It’s talking about everlasting love and, well, God in a bunch of songs. A couple of other songs talk about one night stands, which easily could be cut out like the entire album.

Anyway… let’s get onto it. Here are my thoughts as I was hearing the first 8 tracks of this 13 track album…

ROAR

I do like this song. And, I do think it is somewhat of a ripoff of the Sara Bareilles “Brave”. Danielle and I have listened to both songs, she doesn’t hear a connection, but I do and whatever who cares. They’re both good songs. I mean if Katy and Sara want to settle this dispute with a naked Brazilian jiu-jitsu match then by all means please record it in HD and make it affordably priced. Outside of that…

It’s catchy and fun and the lyrics are not bad for this Wheaties feminism jam.

LEGENDARY LOVERS

Did you expect an Egyptian, romantic-pop ballad? I didn’t.

At least, it wasn’t about John Mayer. Or Russell Brand. Or any of the weirdo guys who Katy Perry has sex with.

BIRTHDAY

If you have a daughter under the age of 15, get used to hearing this song. It’s going to be in every kids movie for girls for now until I die at 127. It’s G rated, candy corn, artificial sweetner nonsense. Literally, Katy Perry is singing about eating birthday cake and not like in a funny way, but like how a stock music song in the background of a Robin Williams movie would sing it when he somehow succeeds against all odds to get his kid to Disney World on their birthday. Who am I kidding? It’s 2013, it’s more likely Ice Cube who is the dad getting his kid to Disney World.

There was almost one redeeming moment of the song. The first being the part where Perry sings that they’re going to bring out the “B-B-B-B-B-” and that goes on for a bit and every fiber of my very existence was praying she would say “C” eventually and this song was about getting some big black cock for her birthday.

As expected, Perry does try to sex up the song with her breathy happy birthday, which is supposed to be a reference to Marilyn Monroe I suppose and her fucking the married President’s dick who was later assassinated, which is what happens to married men who parade around their mistress on television, right?

WALKING ON AIR

Erotica rhymes with exotica?

It kind of sounds like every Fatboy Slim song plus Katy Perry singing “tonight, I’m walking on air” over and over again. It’s got an up-tempo beat that’s good enough as background noise, but the song itself is pretty throw away as an actual song with any substance. It works as fast, dance-y noise.

UNCONDITIONALLY

I guess this jam isn’t about Russell Brand. Does anyone find it somewhat hypocritical for someone who isn’t known for having long lasting relationships to scream over and over that they’ll love someone unconditionally? It’s not just a Katy Perry thing, but really a lot of entertainers. I mean they say that you’re supposed to “write about what you know” and in most cases that doesn’t seem to be true. Look at Woody Allen’s movies. None of them are about getting married to your adopted daughter. A lot of them are about having an attraction to younger women, but that’s pretty standard in Hollywood and is pretty standard in the general masturbatory nature of writing I suppose. One would think Woody Allen’s movies would be more focused on being a creep, being a lecherous creep, watching the New York Knicks play basketball, and probably de-virginizing your adopted Asian daughter while your wife is out food shopping. Of course, that’s just a guess. I mean Mia Farrow probably still went to the grocery store. I could see her still going to the grocery store while wearing like a sweater-material cape. “Sweater-material”? I guess I mean wool or woolen or whatever-en.

So far, I’m thoroughly unimpressed with this album. It simply sounds like stock music made for Freddie Prinze Jr. movies.

DARK HORSE Feat. JUICY J

This is an F+ version of Katy and Kanye’s “E.T.”.

I legit never thought I would want to hear that song again, but “Dark Horse” makes me crave “E.T.”.

Not a fan of “Dark Horse”.

THIS IS HOW WE DO

I guess after the entrance of a rapper, it inspires into having her own Bgirl style for this throwaway for me. “This is how we do” is about as topical as saying “2 legit to quit”. So, the song is more or less an ode to the frivolous youth who get drunk and make bad decisions at the bar from girls doing the walk of shame to people sexing an ugmo because of their beer goggles, and it all reads boring and it reads like Katy Perry really wishes she could get some of Kesha’s fans. It’s forgettable.

INTERNATIONAL SMILE

This would great for the next “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” movie where they have a montage of the girls wearing the magical jeans that somehow perfectly fit 3 skinny girls’ asses and some fat chick’s ass, right?! Let’s make two movies about this?! Can you even believe there was one movie about that? The storyline was legit about 4 chicks sharing a pair of jeans and what made it so crazy is that they fit America Ferrera’s super butt and Alexis Biedel’s negative butt in the same capacity.

But seriously, all who were involved in making that movie should have been shot when the most glorious fat shaming moment happens when SOMEHOW America Ferrera fits into the same pair of pants that Blake Lively does. Those people should’ve all been hit with a double barrel dose of rocksalt to the stomach and butt. BLAM and then BLAM! And then someone should’ve keyed their car and stepped on their foot with a pair of cleats.

Oh yeah, and the song sucks.

If you can get through more of this than I did then congrats.

I did skip to the last track “By the Grace of God” or whatever and made it through about 30 seconds of that. Yuck. I don’t want to hear faux dramatic songs from the chick who shot whip cream out of her whip cream can nipple bra.

It’s not that dance-y, it’s too innocent for adults, it doesn’t have enough depth for girls who light candles, and I can’t tell what single will be the next one, which isn’t good when that’s what these albums are made to do – sell singles on iTunes.

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One Response to “What the EFF are we listening to? KATE PERRY’s “PRISM” full album edition…”

  1. tiffanized said

    I don’t do Katy Perry. I appreciate her boobs but there are a lot of boobs out there to appreciate, so.

    Niall Horan asked her to marry him via Tweet yesterday. I’m thinking his proposal may be due to her album release now that you mention it. No word on whether she plans to but if he asked me to marry him I’d probably go for it.

    Popsicle is to ice pops as Kleenex is to tissues. I’ve been reading a lot of British fan fiction lately so I default to ice lollies. There are a lot of ice lollies mentioned in gay porn for the best and most obvious reasons.

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