October 28, 2013

Good week, readers!

I was thinking about Hugh Hefner the other day. I was thinking that I hope when he dies that all the Playboy playmates throughout the years will tell the truth about if they banged that old bag of bones? And, if they did, how terrible was it?

Right now, Hef is 87 years old and his girlfriend/wife/concubine is 27 years old. When people ask how young is too young or how old is too old? 60 MOTHERFUCKING YEARS IS DEFINITELY THE ANSWER.

I’m curious if he is actually banging these broads or have we just been lead to believe he is? Both answers are creepy. Why would we want to think that 87 year old men are banging 27 year olds? Especially, to get us to buy a magazine. Either way, it’s weird and when he kicks the bucket, I’d like some info about what was really going on because I feel like none of these broads are talking now because he’s still alive and they owe him strangely for taking pictures of them naked for everyone to see.



So, I took a quick glance at the November movies and there’s the HUNGER GAMES and … well … there are two Jared Leto movies, which has got to be the first time that’s ever happened. Outside of that, hmmmmm, well it seems like slim pickens. December is definitely a much better month for movies, but we gots to get through one to get to the other, so here we go!


It’s either women or it’s Hollywood or it’s both, but you’ve gone fucking crazy with this “every guy with a British accent is hot” thing. Because it’s getting fucking ridiculous. Seriously, if all it takes is a British accent and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE then I would have adopted a Brit accent years ago. I can do a British accent. Watch a couple of Guy Ritchie movies and I can speak in one of those phoney baloney accents in no time.

So, this movie is about some British ginger pip-squeak who can travel in time when he goes into a closet and through all of this — he fucks Rachel McAdams.

Honestly, this is a pretty great idea for a movie …. FOR DUDES. For chicks, I don’t understand it. For dudes, it’s a movie about a guy who has no business having sex with Rachel McAdams, but he gets superpowers and uses them to trick Rachel McAdams, so he can bang Rachel McAdams. I mean that’s dude writing 101. That’s some brilliant shit right there. That’s a movie that guys can relate to.

Hey guy, what super power would you like?

Probably flying.

Hmmm… have you thought about time travel because if you watch this movie it will teach you that time travel will help you bang any hot chick you’ve always wanted to bang by pulling a Bill Murray on Andie McDowell GROUNDHOG DAY scenario on her.

That’s fucking brilliant. I would like time travel please!

– end scene –

As for chicks? Well, again, you’re more of an object of desire than a person, first. Second, even one as seemingly flawlessly attractive as Rachel McAdams is, she still has to bang a ginger pip-squeak because he’s the one with the super powers and not you and/or Rachel McAdams. ANYWAY! It’s a rom-com!



The movie with most likely the most potential for being good/great this November is Matthew McConaughey with AIDS. And Jared Leto with AIDS! WOOOOOO!!!!

So, McConaughey has quickly become one of the best working actors over the past couple years and this movie looks like it will be sad, but has potential for being a cry-a-thon good movie, right?

I’m pretty interested in seeing this although it’s pretty disturbing seeing McConaughey look like that.


Did you want to see a movie glorifying Princess Diana’s affair Hasnat Khan to only lead up to glorifying the car crash that ended their lives? Well, HERE IT IS!

This movie was absolutely decimated as being classless and unnecessary. So have fun renting it or seeing it in the theaters, said nobody.


Is it that Ender is not playing a game at all and that he’s really killing aliens or something real and at some point they have to tell him and blah blah blah? Is that it or what? I don’t want to see this movie because it looks like absolute shit, it has Harrison Ford in it, and it also looks like absolute shit. Not to mention, I didn’t read the book obviously. Oh yeah, and the author came out as a homophobe a few months ago. So, yeah, sweet!

This movie will TANK.


Remember that bit earlier about Hugh Hefner banging a 27 year old or not? Well, I wasn’t intending for that to be at all foreshadowing for something later in this post, but it is. So, Last Love is about Michael Caine being all old and ED-ridden probably. And, he just so happens to meet a dance instructor played by Clemence Posey. She’s that chick from the Harry Potter movies who plays the hot chick who is the leader of the hot chick wizards and she enters that maze and is saved by the ginger. I think that’s what happens. Anyway, she’s the hot one who just so happened to be in Harry Potter after she had already appeared topless in several movies, which made internet scummers like myself very happy.

Michael Caine 80.

Clemence Posey who looks great topless is 31.

Oh yeah, Gillian Anderson is in the movie and plays Michael Caine’s daughter I think. It’s nice to see that Gillian is getting back into being famous again. Not through this movie, but other stuff. I’m just saying she’s working and hopefully she gets into a movie that requires nudity because honestly finding a movie that is actually good is a million times more difficult.


Jeez! I really wasn’t foreshadowing anything with that Hugh Hefner thing in my mind, but maybe all Freudian subconsciously I was.

So, Last Vegas is about Michael Douglas – who you may remember from insinuating that his ex-wife(?)/soon-to-be-ex-wife Catherine Zeta-Jones had a cancerous vagina – being old and marrying someone young and him and his old buddies go to Las Vegas as a bachelor party filled with degrading women more than half their age and a bunch of jokes about boner pill medication. I just read the synopsis and it mentions that a bunch of guys who are in their 60’s… well, Douglas is 69, De Niro 70, Freeman is 76, and Kline is the youngest at 66. So, 60’s is not factual and kind of generous.

Supposedly, the 69 year old Douglas is marrying a chick in her 30’s in the movie, but with the way Hollywood casts it’s probably Dakota Fanning’s younger sister Elle or maybe a classmate of hers in middle school.


Did you want to see a martial arts movie directed by Keanu Reeves and starring someone you’ve never heard of doing a martial art not known for being particularly offensive and filled with a bunch of mystical mumbo jumbo? Yeah? Me neither.


Seriously, if you go to an actual martial arts school, they’ll teach you practical shit and it will work and none of it will be focused on ethereal powers. It will instead be about how to throw a proper punch, how to take some down, how to get back up if you’ve been taken down, and how to break something on the other person’s body if need be.


Jared Leto is in this movie that is probably both too artsy to have a point and too not good to be watchable, so there’s that.


If you still want to hear about Lance Armstrong and him taking the drugs we all thought he was taking because cycling is known for rampant drug use then here’s a documentary featuring the man himself. It looks good for what it is.

I wonder what Robin Williams thinks of all the Lance Armstrong lying and so forth. Robin Williams was a notable Lance Armstrong supporter for years. He did his events and wore the bracelet and went on TV promoting Lance. I wonder what happened with that… oh wait, I don’t care. I’m sorry. I thought I did, but I just remembered I don’t.


Casey Wilson and June Diane Raphael wrote and star in this comedy that is a cross between Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion and Toddlers & Tiaras. Both ladies are quite funny, so it could be good. It probably won’t be in theaters so you’ll have to iTunes or Netflix it.


I thought this sounded possibly good too. It’s about a best man who gets to crazy at the wedding and dies and the bride & groom are forced into throwing the funeral for him and so forth. It’s a dark comedy and Justin Long is the main guy. Potential?


That was a book, right? Sounds familiar. Will most likely never read a page of the book or see a second of the movie, but I’d like you to know that it exists.


I don’t know what this is about nor do I care. It’s probably some tween nonsense. Anyway… I would like to just say that Saoirse Ronan who is in that movie is a good actress and she’s apparently tested for the new Star Wars movie. I think Saorise could be great in one of those movies just as I think she could be great in a bunch of movies, but I think that new Star Wars movie will suck and that’s not really on her or the other actors that may or may not be cast. If the Star Trek reboot is at all indicative of what the Star Wars 7 will be like then expect soulless movies, which really isn’t anything new to Star Wars or Star Trek fans, but I’m just mentioning it’s not appreciated. Anyway…


Looks boring… either way, Dakota Fanning is in that and the above goes for her as well, but I don’t know if she tested for Star Wars. Just saying, there are some talented young actresses out there who could be in good movies, but generally are not because Hollywood is stupid.

Last… and certainly least…


Pretty much everything I want to say about the upcoming Thor movie can be found in this post I wrote back in early August…

The only thing I would like to add is something I saw some random person online mention and that’s…

Wouldn’t the real Thor prefer Kat Dennings over Natalie Portman?

I’m not talking about Hemsworth, but the actual viking god.

Wouldn’t an all powerful viking from the days of drinking honey mead and going to war and such prefer a buxom, curvy woman who screams fertility as well as an ability to feed a nation with her big jugs be his preference? Natalie Portman is gorgeous, but she’s also a solid 85 pounds with clothes on and would probably appear as a sickly child to Thor. A sexy faced sickly child, but a sickly child nonetheless. Meanwhile, Tits McGee with her lips and hair and everything else would easily draw the Norse Lord’s attention more.

So, there’s that.

And that’s the first half of November. I’ll catch everyone up with the second half tomorrow.


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