October 29, 2013

Hello all…

Before we begin tearing apart the second half of November’s movies, let’s take a look at the highly anticipated forthcoming X-Men suckfest entitled X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PASTAND OF PREQUELS PRESENT TO FORTNIGHT YESTERDAY MORNINGS AND THIS EVENING’S BRUNCH OF BREAKFAST NIGHTCAPS FOR LUNCH AND LINNER’S PURGATORY OF PENIS…

Well that was dramatic, right? I mean it was certainly helped by the Hans Zimmer classic “Time” from INCEPTION, but I’m sure there were a moment or two where you were really interested in seeing Hugh the Jackman as Wolverine for the BILLIONTH time. I’m sure this premise of movies hasn’t run its course in FIVE movies plus TWO spin-offs. THIS IS THE 7TH TIME JACKMAN IS PLAYING WOLVERINE. Isn’t that fucking nuts?

I would say AT BEST these X-Men movies are watchable. That’s really not saying a whole let. And they become a lot less watchable with multiple viewings.

And if you were not the biggest fan of the first two X-men movies then unready yourself for Days of Future Past because Bryan Singer is back as the director.

Does that mean I won’t see X-Men: Days of Future Past… hardly. HARDLY! HARDLY?!?!?!?!

They’re watchable as mentioned. They’re also really fun to make fun of, which is incredibly easy to do. The scope of the X-Men movies are quite grand, but the acting and level of seriousness is that of a made-for-TV movie. There is a ton of stupidity throughout these movies as well as just general silliness. Not to mention, they’ve completely mishandled most of the characters because they really don’t want to make ensemble movies as much as they want to focus on one (Wolverine) or two characters (Magneto, Professor X) and the rest are bad imaginings of the beloved comic/cartoon superheroes.

I mean I love Jennifer Lawrence and everything, but they turned Mystique into a Gossip Girl cry-girl who just so happens to be able to shape-shift. And, that’s not nearly the worst crime. Rogue? They fucking ruined Rogue in every way imaginable. It’s more likely Lorelei Gilmore will be able to solve her problems than Charles Xavier. OH SNAP! Cyclops? Pretty much Captain America with eye lasers was turned into a beta male, pussy. Thanks, Singer!

Anyway… let’s talk about shitty movies you’ll actually be able to see next month and not next year.


We’re all thinking it… say it with me! BLAC… Nia Long is gorgeous and always has been and I wish she would appear in a movie that I could ever see myself watching.


The only Shia LaBeouf movies I’m planning on watching are the TMZ ones where he gets the shit kicked out of him outside of bars. This movie looks like it has no focus whatsoever, just like the star of it. The explanation of the movie is he has a dream which causes him to get on a train to only run into a girl who he ends up having to save from the drug lords. Yeah? And you want me to watch Shia LaBeouf be the hero of that? Maybe Jason Statham… maybe, but probably not even then.


This is a documentary about Calvin & Hobbes. I’m sure interesting and great and everything, but who cares about all that. What’s more important, this movie will totally get you laid. And by you, I mean someone more like me and/or younger and good looking. And by get you laid, I mean laid by one of those girls who is quietly nerdy in class or at work and is quietly slutty with her vagina during the off hours. So, if you can find a girl who owns both a copy of “Where the Wild Things Are” and a vibrator then this should be your first date.


I do really like Alexander Payne or did love Alexander Payne and/or am willing to love him again. ELECTION is a flawless movie. ABOUT SCHMIDT is quite good. SIDEWAYS is still pretty excellent if you can still look past the INSANITY that Virginia Madsen would ever want her naked parts on Paul Giamatti’s naked parts. ANYWAY… I didn’t like THE DESCENDANTS, but mostly everyone else did. I also hated the TV show HUNG. Whatever. He’s obviously got talent and let’s hope that comes to forefront again in this movie, which stars Bruce Dern and Will Forte…

After receiving a sweepstakes letter in the mail, a cantankerous father (Bruce Dern) thinks he’s struck it rich, and wrangles his son (Will Forte) into taking a road trip to claim the fortune. Shot in black and white across four states, Nebraska tells the stories of family life in the heartland of America.

The snip-it doesn’t mention that the sweepstakes letter appears to be a fake, but Dern believes it to be real and the town gets caught up into it being real because of Dern’s steadfast belief. The movie looks like it could be quite good. It also could be whatever. I’m a big fan of Forte, so I’ll definitely be rooting for this.


How about I let the synopsis do my WTF for me…

“Sunlight Jr.” spotlights hard-working convenience store clerk Melissa (Naomi Watts) and her disabled boyfriend, Richie (Matt Dillon), who are trapped in a generational cycle of poverty. Their luck may be changing when they learn that Melissa has become pregnant. But as soon as she loses her job and they get evicted from the motel they live in, their joy vanishes. Through this adversity, the couple realizes that they can never lose everything as long as they have each other.

So, did you get that Naomi Watts – the same woman who played a HOT MILF and Princess Diana this year – is playing a convenience store clerk? Where is this 7-11? Heaven? Get it?! It rhymes! No way is this movie going to be good.


I don’t even know what to think of Vince Vaughn anymore. At one time, a hero. Now, a stranger. Honestly, it would have been crazy circa 2003 for me to think that Vince Vaughn could come out with a movie and I wouldn’t be psyched for it, but that’s been a learned reaction over the past decade. VINCE!!!! BE FUNNY AGAIN!!!!


It’s a kids movie. It also sounds a little like The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe minus the first and the last. It’s a snow world with an ice queen and instead of a lion there’s just some buff dude. It’s cartoon. You’ll be seeing it if you’ve spawned little versions of yourself.


I think we’ve heard of this movie. I’ll see it. I’m expecting to understand absolutely none of it though. Whatever was unexplained in the first one didn’t really interfere with the movie watching experience… well except for the faces of people on the giant killer dogs or whatever that CGI mess was… but I’m guessing that will go out the window and this movie will be quite difficult to follow if you haven’t read the book, which I haven’t. Anyway, I guess I’ll just stare at Jennifer Lawrence the whole time hoping that she has to defeat Jena Malone’s Hunger Games enemy character by having steaming lesbian sex with her to weaken her before killing her. That’s really the only expectation I have or will have for the 2nd act in my head.

I do like the choice of director Francis Lawrence.



I’m all for Steve Coogan playing jokes off of Dame Judi Dench. So the movie is Dench and Coogan a BBC reporter (Sixsmith) searching for Dench’s son she gave up for adoption to America years earlier. Fair enough.

As for “Sixsmith”, is that a common English name? I kind of like and I kind of want to give it a swirlie. Mixed emotions. There was a guy named Sixsmith in CLOUD ATLAS and that’s the true true.


Errrr… nah. It’s not a Tyler Perry movie, but it should be. Or at least that’s what it seems like it will be. A Christian parable in a wholesome modern African-American setting. Doesn’t that just scream entertainment?!



Jason Statham sucks.

I thought Jason Statham was going to be a legit actor after I saw SNATCH. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Thank God no one took me up on a bet of some sort involving that. I can’t even stomach watching him sidekick shirtless anymore.

Also, James Franco is a ridiculous and awful choice to play Statham’s villain. Unless, they’re teaching Franco how to roundhouse kick.

Originally, this movie was made for Clive Owen I think or at the very least an actor whose greatest attributes are not axe kicks with his nipples exposed. This movie simply looks dreadful.


Seriously? This still hasn’t come out?!

This movie will outright fucking BOMB in theaters. I can’t imagine anyone who saw the original will legit want to see this crap at all let alone in the theaters. I really can’t imagine anyone who hasn’t seen the original has any fucking clue what’s going on in the trailers to the point that it looks appealing.

The movie looks less understandable to a typical American theater goer than if they played the original OLDBOY in Korean without subtitles.


Well, it can’t be worse than Jennifer Hudson’s movie about his wife. Did you see those reviews? WOW! People hated that movie.

As for this Idris Elba version, I mean I can only imagine the average watcher of this movie will be your average white chick with a Netflix account who masturbates wildly to LUTHER reruns. You can quote me on that.


Save your money for Hunger Games and December it seems like.

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