What it is, my lovely social degenerates!

Today, we will look at pictures of pretty celebrities and I’ll probably say something snarky or random or both or neither. Who knows?!

Anyway, if you’re wondering about moving anywhere… DON’T! PACKING IS THE WORST!

On the flip-side, you should probably move because there are almost always better places in the world than where you currently are. Unless, you’re one of the richy rich who are in an underwater hotel off the coast of an island that is inhabited by only people you pay to be there. Then, I’d say STAY WHERE YOU ARE… unless a tsunami is heading your way and then I’d say get the fuck out of there, but whatever you’re probably an enormous asshole if you live in an underwater hotel off the coast of your own private island and fuck you. This paragraph has taken an odd and aggressive turn.

AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS?! WHAT’S THAT?!

I don’t know. I didn’t watch a single second of it. I couldn’t even tell you what channel it was on. It may not even be a real thing. These pictures could all be photoshopped. How would I know? I was busy watching the chaos that was the New England Patriots vs. the Denver Broncos. I was also packing which is why I hate packing because I’m literally packing right now. Well, not LITERALLY in my life because I’m typing right now, but depending on when you read this I could be packing. Unless it is a week from now and then I won’t be packing. I will be unpacking then.

So… I think I set this up pretty well, right?

By the way, if you smoke, and I’m talking cigarettes, no matter how cautious you are when smoking you still smell like you were raped by a camp fire. I don’t know how to express this any better. Smokers are not fooling anyone. You weren’t fooling anyone in the 50’s and you’re not doing any better now. Especially, the longer you have smoked the more you smell like a camp fire fucked you so bad it is oozing out of your pores. You just can’t get that smell off of you.

You can’t remove smoke or condom smell from anything.

And on that note… RED CARPET PICTURES!!!!!

Christina Aguilera looks like a pornstar.

A good looking pornstar, even great looking pornstar, but nothing beyond that. Funny, a lot of pornstars don’t look like pornstars. I don’t know if I would go as far as “most” by I’d say closing in on 50% of female pornstars look like chicks. Some hot, some ok, some not so ok, but they look like normal people. Either way, Christina doesn’t look like a normal person. She looks specifically like a hot lady who gets all her make-up done, her hair done up, and wears a ridiculous and revealing dress so that one man with a giant dick or multiple men with giant dicks will strip her of her clothes bang her dizzy.

Anyway, it’s much better than she was looking for a little while when you she looked like Christina Aguliera if she began emulating Meat Loaf’s lifestyle in the 90’s. Generally speaking, she was still good looking because she’s simply good looking in general, but she doesn’t look bloated anymore, which is always an improvement.

Life tip: avoid looking bloated. No one has ever paid a compliment to another person about how bloated they look.

Taylor Swift looks like a hussy.

It’s a combination of the hair and the dress and the not smiling. It’s not so much Swift in particular, but if any chick dressed like this with their hair like that and not smiling like Swift is – I’d think hussy.

On top of that, I think Taylor Swift looks like a high-priced Las Vegas escort.

Swfity has certainly worn more classier get ups and looked in a way I would describe as “beautiful”, but at whatever awards this show was she looks like a hussy/escort.

She’s certainly looked worse.

It’s not a great outfit by any stretch of the imagination, but Lady Gaga has worn some stinkers in her time. Behind her is the horse she rode in on, and judging by the legs of the horse there are men playing that horse and later those men will probably ride Lady Gaga. Fingers crossed and all.

Without all the nonsense, Lady Gaga has a great body and is an attractive Italian girl, but that’s not interesting and apparently wearing a thin lavender sleeping bag with some chains is more interesting. Whatever.

On the realz, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta has a great ass.

Yuck.

What is happening here. How is this outfit less appealing than that thoroughly unattractive nude bikini she wore at the VMAs?

There are a lot of websites that point out that Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber look a lot like. The two of them are mirroring each other in the crazy department as well. Minus the high heels, I would 100% bet Bieber could pull this outfit off better than Miley.

Jordin Sparks, y’all. Looking good.

I bet she’d look pretty f’n sexy dressed as Jasmine from “Aladdin”. I’m not sure Jordin needs to be this dressed up for a shitty ass awards show, but she looks great. Maybe I’m partial to Jordin Sparks over Miley Cyrus because Sparks’ face is pretty and warm as opposed to cracky and crazy with Cyrus. ALSO, Sparks looks like she’s got a set of cans – boobs and butt, however you use the term – which is how I like my women. I like for women to have boobs and butts. Call me crazy. And, when they’re in clothes, I’d like for those women to still look like they have boobs and butts.

I’m not saying Miley doesn’t have boobs. She does have boobs. I’ve seen them. You can see them too if you look at the pictures she took with Terry Richardson. But looking at the picture above, you wouldn’t think she had boobs. If Jordin Sparks was wearing a blazer with no shirt on then you’d see some fucking boobs. Let me bet all the money in the world on that.

Has anyone ever thought of calling boobs… boods? Just wondering.

Ke$ha.

Did that at all surprise you? It did me. Besides Ke$ha’s expected vacant stare, she looks great. She looks like she’s living an un-Ke$ha like life, which is great for her physical state, but could have potential problems with her music. I’m sure the record company and her bank account forced her to make that fucking awful song with Pitbull that sounds like the shittiest rip off of the Avicii “Wake me up”.

Remember when Ke$ha’s body was rectangle? That was hilarious.

Meh.

I’m not saying you could find 5 guys who look exactly like this 100x over on the streets of London. I’m saying you could 10,000x over. I’m saying however many high school aged boys live in England, you could find a Harry Sheehen(?) or whatever equivalent in roughly every 50 of them. I think I’ve admitted time and time again what men I think are attractive or have no problem saying some dude is attractive, but legit these guys… meh.

I get there’s a prominent male heterosexual fetish for school girls and there are clearly tons of heterosexual women who have a fetish for school boys and One Direction is the manifestation of that… I’m just saying…

Speaking of toe-ing the line of acceptable pedophilia, Ariana Grande!

She’s got a great voice or whatever you want to say to justify it, but her whole career is like legal kiddy porn.

First things first, Chilli’s name is Rozonda. BOOM!

I have no fucking clue what Chilli is wearing nor does she. She looks the fucking same though, which is amazing. She was the hottest TLC member and she still looks like the hottest TLC member. T-Boz now looks like what I imagine T-Boz’s mother looked like.

Rozonda is a sexy lady and she needs to stop having Stevie Wonder dress her.

WHO THE FUCK ELSE IS BLIND?! Seriously, are there any blind people under the age of 50?

Didn’t Marion Coutilard(?) wear a weird dress like this to the Golden Globes or the Oscars not too long ago? I’m 100% sure she did. Anyway, Jennifer Hudson is a good looking lady and this dress look like the bottom half got caught in the door of her car as she was stepping away and it partially got torn off into a mini-skirt, but she looks fashionable and just rocks it like she’s living in a Cameron Diaz movie.

Fuh-huck.

Ciara should be in more things. More things where she wears clothes like this or even less clothes. Good lord. I don’t know the last time I heard a Ciara song or even if she’s still making songs, but who the fuck cares. Ciara looks like Halle Berry at whatever age Ciara is right now. That’s Halle Berry’s body that Ciara has somehow obtained.

Can we fucking fire The Governor on The Walking Dead and replace him with Ciara? I don’t give a fuck how they do it or if they never explain. Just get Ciara on the show as the enemy and she never dies just like The Governor and she attracts hot chicks to just hang around her just like The Governor and ultimately she ends up seducing Maggie and Michonne to rule the world together as zombie assassins who lesbianize each other.

This is just a guess, but Kylie forgot to wear a top or at least forgot to wear a top that is suitable for a busty underage girl to wear on ABC on Primetime. So, in the limo on the way over, they just ripped off the skirt and shoulders of Kendall’s outfit and scotch tapped them together for Kylie to wear as a shirt.

That’s my guess.

Still got it.

Everyone talks about how Stacey Dash still looks fucking crazy hot, which she does. But Alicia Silverstone is still great looking. Stacey appears to not age at all, which is incredible and scientifically impossible. Silverstone has aged, but gracefully. She’s going to be fuckable looking past 60.

Errrr…

I hate being like “this outfit is terrible” because that makes me feel like I’m a fat Andy Cohen, but seriously what the fuck is this. Is this a floor length disco romper?

I thought Emma looked better as a brunette. Also, healthier. I feel like her smile looks wonderful, but she’s in desperate need of vitamins. GIVE EMMA ROBERTS VITAMINS! SHE’S VITAMINLESS!

Yep.

I didn’t make this outfit. I didn’t tell Naya Rivera to wear it. I didn’t know her name was Naya Rivera until Yahoo told me. So, it’s not me whose the real shallow one just staring through her well placed window to her under/side tits. I’m just living in the world that Naya created by wearing this. If I wore a pair of jeans where there was a window cut out for you to see the bottoms of my balls, it wouldn’t be your fault for looking at them. It’s just how it is.

What a fucking tool?

I guarantee no one I’ve conversed with in the past month knows who this guy is. And I’m happy about that. I don’t know who he is either. I can only assume he’s a shitty pop country artist who is supposedly the salt of the Earth meanwhile looks like the biggest fucking douche bag ever and the furthest thing from a “country boy” or whatever.

Strangely enough, I’d imagine I know people who know who this gentleman is.

My first guess was Wiz Khalifa, but it’s not him. He’s just some other malnourished tattooed rapper who I can only imagine drops the n-word every other word in his “songs”. I love rap music, but that doesn’t mean I love all rap music. Anyway… just saying I’m not expecting much lyrically from Tyga up here.

Well, Aubrey makes Naya look subtle now.

Guess what?! You don’t even have to know who Aubrey is to know which of these ladies I’m talking about. It probably took you several seconds for you even to get to this point in my writing because you were too busy staring at the tit show going on up there. I literally have no idea what it’s like to live a life where I would wear an outfit like that or the male equivalent to outfit like that. It’s just nothing I’ve ever dealt with. I couldn’t imagine being a woman and wearing an outfit where legit my tits were just out. The amount of skin she’s showing in more than her head. Like you could take her head and fit it comfortably in that gaping neck line.

I’m not “complaining”. At the same time, they’re not pleasant to look at. It’s like dirty graphic. It’s not like you’re going to make love to a woman like that. It’s more or less like you’re going to have some demeaning sex probably that smells of cigarettes and bronzer.

I’d like as much forehead as you give me, professional stylist I paid.

The dude in this picture is the GENIUS behind “Country Girl (Shake It For Me)”, which is probably the only pop country song I have ever or will ever enjoy. Although, I’m thoroughly biased when it comes to that song. It’s both quite catchy, but also brings back extremely absurd memories of a high school girl tap dancing to a room full of peers, family members, peers family members, and some outright strangers (myself) to that song. Similarly, I was kind of meh on some bands in the late 90’s, early 2000’s that were popular metal/rock acts, but people who make music videos of animes seemed to be real into them and I have fond memories of their editing jobs to those songs like from Korn or Linkin Park, so I’m not as much of a “hater” of them because of that. Also, yes, I just referenced watching fan made anime music videos, which means I’m a huge nerd, but what the fuck ever. I’ve got a girlfriend, a pitbull, and a house… I somehow still made it.

I assume they brought these two in from the nearest wax museum.

Ugh.

I’ve got nothing against either of these men, but if someone was like, “Do you want to punch Billy Ray Cyrus and/or Wayne Newton in the face? $100 each?” I’d do it. I’d do it in a fucking heartbeat. They are thoroughly punchable people. I wouldn’t even care if that $100 went to a terrible cause either.

I’m a big fan of Sarah Silverman.

Not in love with the dress. At least from this angle, it kind of makes her look rectangular and not nearly as curvy as she actually is. Also, it just looks meh in general. Yellow, fake leather – I’m assuming. Anyway, she’s great looking and she’s incredibly talented and her new HBO special on Saturday night was funny. Her previous stand-up movie “Jesus is Magic” is hilarious and a must watch for people who find things funny.

I do not have the money nor the confidence to dress like Akon.

I’m assuming this outfit was more expensive than anything I would spend on an outfit that isn’t a suit. Nevertheless, I wish I just walked around in black leather pants and black leather t-shirt that said “NEVER SURRENDER” on it for whatever reason. He looks like a crazy person, but it’s fucking amazing too.

Akon, you’re wonderful.

I mean outside of some of the weird shit you used to do like bench press fans of yours into the audience totally disregarding how injured they could get.

Calvin Harris.

I’m guessing this is just what Calvin Harris looks like every day of his life. Not dressed up or anything. It’s like he was passing by and someone spotted him.

Hey, are you Calvin Harris?

Yes.

Like the Calvin Harris who has 3 great albums and has been collaborative on some of the biggest dance-y pop songs of the past few years?

Yes.

You’ll never guess this by the celebrities we’ve invited, but this is a music awards show. So, could you stand here for a moment while we take pictures of you to pretend like we know anything about popular and good music?

Ok.

These guys have got to be the biggest European nerds ever, right? Well, not nerds. Maybe dorks. They look like they would start a band called “Imagine Dragons”. I wouldn’t want to be stuck in conversation with any one of these guys in a room by myself with them ever. They all probably care chloroform.

I’ll never understand why so many beautiful women have allowed Marc Anthony to put his dirty dick in them.

Honestly, I’ll never understand it. And don’t even pretend, you know it’s dirty.

If I had to make a comic book character who is the living embodiment of an STD, Marc Anthony would be my reference.

James Durbin, Heidi Lowe.

I have no idea who these two people are. I know their names because of Yahoo. I know they’re married because Yahoo’s caption told me that as well. But I don’t know anything else nor will I.

What I will say, if you are a person who for whatever reason follows James Durbin and Heidi Lowe’s marriage – when they get a divorce because James Durbin comes out of the closet just think to yourself, hey KSWI Jordan was right. That’s all I ask of you.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

Whaddup.

I’VE GOT WOOD FLOORS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

As for the home buying process with @_dharv and I, WE BOUGHT THAT SHIT! WHAT?! WHAT NOW?! IT’S OURS! GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE! GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN! GET… over here actually. I mean we’re pretty inclusive people. We like having people over to drink beers and eat ribs and watch football. It’s all cool. It’s just been an aggressive and frustrating process. So, IT’S OURS NOW, BITCHES!

We bought the house on Wednesday. Signed the papers and I have the deed and everything. Honestly, I think it is ridiculous that I own a house. I read Japanese comic books every week and I talked to one of Danielle’s co-workers for like 20 minutes breaking down the pros and cons of buying the Playstation 4 or the Xbox One. At the same time, you just take life as it comes, so it came a house all over my chest and I’m living with it.

Yesterday, started the improvements before we move in phase. We’re moving in officially on Wednesday, but the house we bought was covered in shitty carpets even though there were perfectly nice wood floors underneath as seen in the picture. So, the floor guys came over and tore everything out and got rid of the shitty orange padding underneath and have been sanding and today will finish sanding, cleaning up, and start staining the floors.

If anything, about this house the floors will be nice.

Also, it doesn’t appear to be drafty. That’s another good thing that I’ve grossly under-appreciated for my whole life until living in this house that Danielle and I currently rent. This house we’re currently in for another week is drafty as fuck. It’s the draftiest fucking house ever. If it is windy outside then it is for damn sure windy in here. It’s crazy. You’re not supposed to experience “wind chill” inside a structure.

So, we’re moving in Wednesday, cable/internet on Tuesday, Thanksgiving Thursday, and whatever else life decides to cum all over us on Friday I suppose.

Major things besides moving everything in and getting more furniture to actually fill the house – upgrading the electric as well as modernize a lot of it, fence in the backyard, paint the inside of the house, buy a washer/dryer. Actually, I think washer/dryer is the first thing and I think we’re going to attempt to fight the crowds on Black Friday for one of each.

So… yeah. Home owner. White, male, property owner – I’m the villain of the 18th and 19th and honestly all the centuries.

Anyway…

SIDE BOOB!

CATCHING FIRE is getting good reviews.

Not surprising. The first movie got good reviews too. Also, not surprising because every blockbuster action movie gets good reviews nowadays. Seriously, PACIFIC RIM was thoroughly incompetent and it got a billion good reviews. That movie will literally and scientifically destroy your IQ if you think about for too long.

So let’s look at what ROTTEN TOMATOES has culled…

Well, thus far, 168 reviews have been reported with an overwhelmingly 150 positive reviews with a paltry 18 “rotten” reviews.

Positive reviews are needless. If you want to see a movie and are unsure, don’t read the positive reviews. They’re flowery nonsense most of the time. You can’t really gauge what’s in the movie if they’re just orally stimulating it’s hot rod the whole time. You need to hear the “critique”. You know? So, let’s focus on the 18 joyless fucks who just couldn’t enjoy sitting and staring at America’s sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence for two hours while she wears dresses made of fire, shoots arrows, runs around, and in the end wins whatever it is that she’s winning.

Also, of the 18 reviews, only 5 are “top critics”. Just throwing that out there.

Jennifer Lawrence sparkles once again, but this diluted sequel fails to ignite. – Sophie Monks Kaufman

Jeez, Sophie. Did your sopping wet vagina write this review? I’m sure I’ll feel a little like Sophie after seeing the movie. Like, who cares about these other fuck wits? Let’s just have a real time romantically shot one take of Katniss taking a hot shower and working out all the tension in her body to a nice relaxed state that may or may not be 45 minutes and then the rest can be her killing all of the other Hunger Gamers minus Jena Malone who submits to Jennifer and then they take another 45 minute long shower together to get all that mud out of their hair and out from underneath their fingernails and explore each others bodies. I mean I’ll cool with that. I’m sure Sophie is as well. Honestly, Jennifer Lawrence and Jena Malone don’t even need to do the scene in character. It could simply be done in their trailers on the movie studio parking lot.

Slavish devotion to the text and its legion of fans seems to be a problem; Collins’ world is so lacking in invention that there’s very little for director Francis Lawrence to do. – Chris Fyvle

Suck a dick, Chris. Go get a real last name. I haven’t read the books nor will I, but they seem to do a decent enough job at ripping off the other billion movies/books made about the exact same subject of a future society that has a blood letting reality game series. Also, lack of invention? Umm… I believe in the first movie there were dogs with human faces. Right? They didn’t explain them AT ALL, but they were there.

A chatty, 90 minute fashion show followed by a 50 minute (recycled) action picture. – Roger Moore

Ummmm… unless James Bond started writing an unsuccessful movie blog then this jackhole should be Roger “F.” Moore or something. And then F in that example stood for “Fuckhead”. Also, I think Moore is right, but that’s what the first movie was so whatever and it’s also exactly what he should have expected. It’s pretty much going to be that HARRY POTTER: THE GOBLET OF FIRE as we all should expect it to be.

What’s wrong with “The Hunger Games” and its sequel, “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire?” Well, I just can’t get past the buffoonery. – Paul Chambers

Says the shill who gave “Pacific Rim” an A-. AN A-?! The movie is fucking idiotic. Why didn’t it get an A+? Or an A? Because you may have found something wrong in that a guy who has piloted a robot for years doesn’t know there is a 60 foot sword attached to the robot to use to fight with and no one mentions it to him nor does his co-pilot mention it to him until they’re just about to die and then the sword is the greatest weapon of all time, which is used to kill every bad guy they face from then on as well as save their lives a few times and no one ever thought about it before hand? Was that maybe what he felt was lacking? The fact that the last half hour of the movie revolves around the robot using a sword that it had all the time that no one previously mentioned at any point and it is seemingly the greatest weapon to ever be used on these aliens? That movie fucking sucked and so do you Paul.

A ho-hum sequel that mostly sets the stage for hopefully more scintillating future chapters. – Tim Grierson

Spoiler alert, jackass, if you don’t like this then you probably won’t like the “future chapters” which is the next book split into two movies. Also, fuck you.

Even viewers dragged into it kicking and screaming are unlikely to be bored out of their minds. Well, not entirely. – Kurt Loder

Too fucking funny. Kurt Loder aka that dinosaur from MTV is not a “top critic”. I guess that makes sense since all he did was hold a microphone while other people talked throughout his big career with MTV, I doubt anyone gives a fuck what he thinks about movies. Also, fuck Kurt Loder.

Though some of the chases and escapes are thrillingly filmed, this last section of the film feels indistinguishable from plenty of other video-game-style avoid-the-obstacle action climaxes. – Dana Stevens

Hey, Dana, shut up. Video games rule, Dana Stevens drools.

The grand climax, whose elements include a long piece of wire, a lightning bolt, and an electronic force field, is an incoherent, rapid blur that will send the audience scurrying back to the book to find out what’s supposed to be going on. – David Denby

Probably true, but Denby’s a killjoy. He called THE MATRIX “nonsense” and he didn’t like FIGHT CLUB. Hey buddy, why don’t you trip into a pile of cancer for me?

The jungle scenes were shot in Hawaii, so at least they all got a paid vacation. – Rex Reed

Hey Rex, SHOVE A PENCIL UP YOUR BUTT! Fuck yourself with a #2 pencil.

And finally…

Same ‘Logan’s Run’ as bad reality TV show as the first one, minus the shaky-cam (I was grateful for that). – James Verniere

YES! YES! YES!

The only thing I needed to know… NO SHAKY CAM.

Fuck Gary Ross in his fucking eyes for that stupid shaky cam. Good Lord that was insufferable.

So, now, go enjoy the movie of Jennifer Lawrence prancing and no shaky cam. WOOOO!!

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you.

WHADDUP!

Here are the HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE premiere photos that are referenced and attached are my comments and honestly a lot of talk about having sex with men.

Sadly, this picture gallery did not have any of those over the shoulder shots where we look at their butts. I’m thoroughly disappointed as I imagine you all are as well. Nevertheless… let’s judge these people by their faces and clothes.

THERE SHE IS… MISS AMERI-HUNGER GAMES-ZAH!

She looks great. She looks like Esther Williams. I have been writing this blog for 35 years now with 24 of those years with no readers whatsoever, and up until the past week or two, I hadn’t made an Esther Williams reference and this is the fucking second Esther Williams reference. And both references were not at all forced. This reference is spot fucking on what Esther Williams wears in her movies. Literally, a dress with a one piece swimsuit underneath. Add to that, Esther actually died earlier this year… around my birthday. WHAT?! I KNOW!!! EVERYTHING IS HAP… whatever.

Legitimately, this outfit looks like at some point a high dive and a pool will just be revealed and pushed to the front and center of the premiere and as Jennifer Lawrence walks towards the ladder with long outstretched steps, men in tuxedos will effortlessly cross her path and in one swift movement tear her dress from Lawrence, and without missing a beat Lawrence will leap to the ladder and quickly ascend to the top like the sexiest lemur you could ever imagine – IMAGINE IT – and once at the top of the diving board, Jennifer would waive to the crowd, hit that billion dollar smile, and then she would do that hop step to make that running start of the platform into a triple somersault dive… and about two steps in she would slip and slap her butt – great butt – off the end of the diving board and fall ass – great ass – first in a seated position into the pool below while screaming all the way down.

I mean, she’s kind of klutzy.

I mean, she is a tall female.

Females are klutzy to begin with.

Tall females, there’s absolutely no hope they won’t be klutzy.

Nevertheless, America’s MOTHERFUCKING Sweetheart.

By the time, she stopped aching in the middle of the pool from the force of the fall and she swam to the edge to get toweled off, there would be a gold statue of sort ready to be given to Jennifer Lawrence as a sign of how she’s stolen all of our hearts again.

Good looking cast, right? That’s really all we need. Just some good looking people for us to stare at for 2 hours. It really never gets old staring at good looking people.

Ok, well, I’ve already talked about Jennifer Lawrence and her swimsuit dress. I will say, her legs look all sorts of mean in this picture.

I will get to the other Hemsworth in a minute as well as the tiniest love interest of them all.

So, let’s focus on how fucking hot Elizabeth Banks looks. Shall we?

BOOM!

Elizabeth Banks is fucking hot. And, talented. Very funny lady. Very funny person.

AND! I was going to look up who the fuck Elizabeth Banks fucks because they’re a lucky so and so and I was fucking blown the fuck away by the answer… a Jewish fantasy football expert.

WHAT THE FUCK?!

First, let me clear this up. There is no “Jewish fantasy football”. Actually, there could be. I don’t know for sure. But what I meant was that this guy – Max Handelman – is Jewish. And, Banksy up there converted to Judaism for him for the whole marriage thingy. And, his job is as a fantasy football expert.

FUCK YOU, CONVENTIONAL THOUGHT!

Am I right? That right there should be the storyline for REVENGE OF THE NERDS IX: JEW NERD BANGS ELIZABETH BANKS. I’m not saying that’s the best title, but it’s pretty succinct on what the movie is. My mind is pretty fucking blown right now. A fantasy football blogger – lowest social deviant on Earth – is with this stunning woman. Amazing. I don’t even really know what to say minus this may make¬†ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO make more sense that Elizabeth Banks in real life has a soft spot for Jews who she’s out of their league. ANYWHATZZLE!

There are these doofs!

Seriously, unless you’re Elizabeth Banks and you have a wild perception of who should be the father of your children as well as your sexual partner for eternity… the decision between these two dudes has got to be the easiest to make ever.

UNLESS… you’re one of those people who couldn’t be with someone better looking than yourself, so the other Hemsworth is out of the picture in that one. But everyone else that doesn’t have that insane narcissism should make the quickest decision to bang the other Hemsworth and to allow the tiny man to possibly park your car or maybe go get you some grocery and you’ll tip him like 20% and send him on his way to never be seen again.

SERIOUSLY!

How short is the baker kid? How short is he? HOW SHORT IS HE?! Whatever you said, HE’S SHORTER THAN THAT! Unless you said, answered how short is he with “Danny DeVito”. That’s the only height that’s right. Look at Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Stanley Tucci being several inches taller than him. PSH and the Tooch! They’re not basketball players. They’re not even guys who go to basketball games. They’re shorter dudes. Look at the MONSTROUSLY tall other Hemsworth brother. LOOK AT HIM. He’s the fucking Freedom Tower compared to the subterranean mole person known as the bread baker kid. ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND?! HOW IS THIS EVEN A CONVERSATION! YOU’RE FUCKING THE OTHER HEMSWORTH BROTHER AND YOU’RE TELLING THE BAKER KID TO SHINE YOUR FUCKING SHOES BECAUSE YOU WANT TO WEAR SHINY SHOES WHILE YOU’RE FUCKING THE OTHER HEMSWORTH BROTHER.

GOD DAMN IT, HE’S SHORT!

I didn’t read the books. I’ll re-state that I DIDN’T READ THE BOOKS.

Nevertheless, I saw that fucking movie. I SAW IT. And, for the people who didn’t read the book, but did see the movie… THIS GUY IS THE FUCKING WORST AND DOESN’T MAKE ANY MOTHERFUCKING SENSE WHATSOEVER!

I can only assume that this character is taller and by taller I mean much taller in the book. I have been told that he’s got a way with words in the book. The kid who bakes bread has got a way with words… WHAT IS THIS MOONSTRUCK?!!! Seriously, if that didn’t make you laugh then you’ve never seen Moonstruck and you should totally see Moonstruck because the storyline with the old people is easily better than the Hunger Games and that’s not even getting to Nicolas Cage and his wooden hand or Cher looking hot. Ok? Ok.

This is what this guy’s character does in the movie… he looks like he was shot with a shrink ray, he bakes bread, is a dick to Katniss, throws bread into the rain – thanks but no thanks you jackhole, he can throw heavy sacks farther than you would guess, and he gets injured to the point that he has to water color paint his body to look like the Earth’s terrain and he lays around while Katniss kills everyone. And there are chicks out there thinking they want to fuck this guy? YOU’RE ALL FUCKING NUTS!

Anyway, he’s a little boy child and I guess some chicks are into that. Have fun fucking your little boy child. Oh, I can’t wait to get this little boy child’s pecker inside me.

Meanwhile…

Damn right, a thumbs up.

Thumbs up to God for making you a Devilishly handsome individual.

Thumbs up, indeed.

Anyway, this guy has done nothing noteworthy as an actor. I haven’t seen a good movie with him in it, so he’s not as good looking as his brother and not as good of an actor so far. His brother is in some awful shit films, but he’s also been a couple good ones, and I’ve got a feeling it is not entirely his fault these awful shit films are so awfully shit. Same I guess goes for this guy. Whatever. They’re handsome.

If Josh Hutcherson didn’t suck off at least two of the producers and the first director Gary Ross than I have no idea why he is in these movies.

If he did suck them off then honestly good for him. You know, you got to get a HEAD in life some way or another.

Moving on…

If you can’t tell, that’s Jena Malone.

Remember her? She looks good? She kind of looks like a feminine version of Tilda Swinton here. I don’t know. I know Jena is attractive, but she’s so colorless here. What’s the deal, Jena? Colors can be your friend. Anyway, she’s in the movie. She probably looks nothing like this in the movie. Don’t get me wrong, I usually like Jena as an actress.

Yep, he’s a father.

He’s a father and wearing those shoes.

Unreal.

No one is more Lenny Kravitz than Lenny Kravitz.

Zoe’s looking good. She should be in these movies.

Ugh.

Go away.

They’ve had their flirtation with fame and good for them on that, but let’s call it quits – shall we? By the way, if you haven’t noticed Jaden’s wearing two different shoes yet, you’ll get all sorts of new angry when you do.

The thing that is strange and I don’t want to really make fun of children, but whatever… Will Smith is a regal human being. That’s right, regal. REGAL!!! He’s attractive, he’s talented, he’s smart, he’s confident, and so on. Will Smith carries himself like he’s about to walk into a room and do anything. Anything. Everything. Whatever it is, he’ll be able to do it. Physical to mental. There are videos of him solving Rubix cubes with no problem whatsoever. He’s been a winner at everything he’s done. And, he fucking looks like it. He looks like he’s got his shit together.

His son? I have yet to see a picture of this kid where I haven’t thought, he looks clueless. The sister looks like she can’t keep her eye lids open. Not sure what that says minus life is boring to her. But Jaden looks pretty clueless in real life. I’ve seen him act a few times now, he looks thoroughly serious and perplexed at all times in those movies. In real life, mouth agape and clueless. Like I would never guess that Jaden is Will Smith’s kid. Same goes for Willow. I might guess if I didn’t know better that these were Michael Jackson’s kids. I would totally buy that. If that kid who Michael used to drape a blanket over his head grew up to look like either Jaden or Willow – wouldn’t be shocked. Will Smith’s kids though? Pretty shocked.

Uhhhhh, is the dopey Jaden having sex with Kylie Jenner?

That is similarly as confusing as the Katniss/Peeta relationship.

She’s 16. I saw some college kids who had to be around 21 who looked like they were 12 and she looks like she’s in her 20’s.

Ashlee Simpson is dating Chris Brown?!

HAHAHAHAH… it’s not Chris Brown, but it looks like him. It really looks like him. Well, it looks like him if he wasn’t so fucking crazy. Chris Brown is certifiably crazy. He has a jail stint in him. Like in the next few years, I bet he’ll find himself in jail for a year or so. You can’t go around for too too long with cocaine boogers and picking fights with strangers without going to jail for a bit.

Never would have known that was Ashlee Simpson if the website didn’t tell me.

Big fan of this guy.

I really liked BLUE MOUNTAIN STATE a lot and it had a lot to do with this guy.

I’m looking forward to the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie that he is in as much as I’m not looking forward to it. I’m dying to see it and also thoroughly worried it will be unwatchable.

We’ll see. Anyway, good looking and funny.

She’s not messing around and looking great.

I will say her boobs or more so the holster for those boobs kind of looks like Mickey Mouse’s head. Right?

Is that sexy? I don’t really know. Either way, I like the attitude and, of course, the sex appeal going on here. Being famous and hot is fun! Act like it.

Crazy old and crazy lady must have snuck out onto the red carpet.

Who is this person? Actually, I don’t really care.

I’ll just assume she’s some crazy lady who tried to attack Peeta.

And finally…

The scariest Hunger Games fan ever.

What did you say about Peeta? I’ll kill you.

Whaddup, you beautiful and bashful bitches.

I just read that John F. Kennedy spent his last Sunday on Earth by going to church then watching the Chicago Bears play the Green Bay Packers then watching “Tom Jones”.

I guess my first question or comment would be, I guess the President of the United States of America in 1963 got Sunday’s off? Fair enough. Slow news day back then I suppose.

Back to the movie, TOM JONES. Honestly, I have never heard of it and not only have I never heard of it, it won Best Picture at the Oscars. You know something went haywire that Academy voting season if a best picture movie has gone completely unknown to me.

Well… what is this movie?

Judging by the poster, I assume the young Albert Finney who looks like a young Robert Redford probably ran around England smooching girls and saying snarky lines about smooching girls that are probably seen as thoroughly offensive and misogynist nowadays. Kind of like “Alfie”, but a period piece.

This is what the IMDB summary says…

Tom Jones, abandoned as a baby in mysterious circumstances, is brought up by Squire Allworthy. Resented by Allworthy’s legitimate heir Blifil, Tom grows into an amiable rascal, fond of the fair sex. He loves Squire Western’s daughter Sophie, but when discovered by his tutors with a local girl Molly, he is banished by his benefactor. After numerous adventures he reaches London and embarks on an affair with the wealthy Lady Bellaston while Squire Western’s sister has arranged a marriage between Sophie and Blifil. Horrified, Sophie escapes to London, meeting up with her cousin Mrs. Fitspatrick who is also running away from her husband. Mr. Fitzpatrick follows them and suspects Tom of having seduced his runaway wife.

Did you follow any of that? That is needlessly complicated and seemingly about nothing. Must be a GREAT movie.

So, JFK watched a movie about a guy being a Lothario? Must’ve been boring for JFK as he himself was nailing broads for realz most likely better looking than Finney is in the movie.

Not a President, but certainly as important as a President if not more so in my life, NFL Hall of Fame defensive end Reggie White died the day after Christmas and he spent his last day on Earth with his family celebrating Christmas and they went to see the movie FAT ALBERT.

Not about a hefty Albert Finney, but the live-action re-imagining of Bill Cosby’s cartoon with Kenan & Kel.

Never saw this movie either.

Not sure what any of this means besides the last movie you watch maybe pretty fucking random all things considered.

Speaking of random movies…

I watched a good chunk of MR. HOLLAND’S OPUS on Saturday morning with Coco. I hadn’t seen any of that movie since I saw it in theaters way back when, but something I feel like people forget in the first half of the movie is what a giant dickhole Richard Dreyfuss aka Mr. Holland is before he writes that “opus”.

Mr. Holland shits on teachers, shits on his students until he realizes he shouldn’t shit on these kids and should help them, he shits on his own kid, he really shits on his own kid when he finds out the kid is deaf, and at some point like an hour plus into the movie he finally stops being a shit and starts writing that opus and tries to be a good dad.

And Glenne Headly is a thoroughly underrated or not mentioned enough talent.

She’s always working, she pops up in stuff all the time. She can do comedy, drama, crazy, innocent – definitely a fan. Specifically, always been a big fan of DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS with her, Michael Caine, and Steve Martin.

Speaking of her always working, she’s great in her smaller role as Joseph Gordon Levitt’s mom in DON JON.

Anyway…

Steelers won.

Georges St-Pierre “won”, but really lost in everyone’s eyes who watched the fight who weren’t the two judges who scored it for him.

And, hopefully, I’m buying a house on Wednesday.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

Hey, sexy ladies, the first minute is free, but the rest are also free because no one is lining up to watch me in my sweats use a leafblower.

WHAT’S BEEN GOING ON?!

Still buying a house, apparently.

The closing date is – supposedly – the 19th, which is 4 days from right now and who the fuck really knows.

That’s been the majority of my life. That and writing write-ups for UFC videos. That’s my life. Oh yeah, and the magical pitbull Coco. Taking care of her and loving her to pieces is also a big part of my life. And, of course, being the bestest boyfriend ever outside of those boyfriends who know where to purchase big red boys to put on a brand new Lexus for the girlfriend for Christmas. So, that’s my life.

Being a solid boyfriend option for @_dharv, giving a pitbull more kisses right on her little big nose than she could have ever expected in her life, cagefighting, and buying a house. A HOUSE! WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!

I will be screaming that a lot over the next years of my life.

Also, I’m planning on buying a gun… sticker for the window that says I own a gun, but I really don’t. It’s not going to say the second part about not owning gun. It’s going to say something like I HAVE A GUN AND I PLAY VIOLENT VIDEOGAMES, SO BACK THE FUCK OFF BECAUSE I’M AN OBVIOUS TICKING TIMEBOMB!

Yeah. I don’t know if I would ever purchase an actual gun though. I’m about to start paying a shit load in taxes, so that there is a well armed police force of gun owners and users to patrol the streets protecting my ass and house with their guns.

Outside of that…

Well…

I want the Pittsburgh Steelers to stop shitting the bed and fire Offensive Coordinator Todd Haley.

FIRE THIS FUCKING IDIOT!

FIRE NO ONE ELSE BUT HIM!

FIRE TODD HALEY!!!

FIRE TODD HALEY!!!

FIRE TODD HALEY!!!

FIRE TODD HALEY!!!

FIRE TODD HALEY!!!

FIRE TODD HALEY!!!

FIRE TODD HALEY!!!

Yep.

That’s really all I got.

The UFC’s 20th anniversary pay per view, UFC 167, is this weekend and I’m excited for it.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

I hope Todd Haley gets fired.

Get sleazy.

Hiya.

Do you remember the Summer blockbuster about robots fighting monsters called PACIFIC RIM?

Here’s a refresher if it has slipped your mind…

Remember that movie?

Yeah?

IT SUCKED.

Like really bad.

If you liked that trailer then don’t see the movie because the trailer shows you everything that you would want to see from that 2+ hours of garbage and it shields you from everything else, which is wildly unnecessary. Could you guess from the trailer that half of the movie is Charlie Day from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” pretending he’s a less funny version of his Charlie character, but as a scientist who uses what looks like lawnmower parts to meld his mind with an alien’s and that’s the real story of the movie and the robot fighting stuff is honestly just buying Charlie time to do his experiments? Well, that’s the movie.

Honestly, there is not a lot of robots fighting alien monsters in the movie. Not much more than what is shown in any of the trailers. Even worse, all the alien fights happen in like the same 30 mile radius, so the redundant factor is quite high. On top of that, you can’t see shit.

Let me repeat about the $200 million fight scenes…

YOU CAN’T SEE SHIT!

In an absolutely stupid decision, fucking hobbit look-a-like nit wit Guillermo Del Toro – the director – decided that the fight scenes should all be at night and in the rain and that the monsters and robots alike should be darkly colored as well. So, it’s pretty much shades of black blue fighting against other shades of black blue and who knows if there’s something interesting even happening. Guess what? There isn’t. The fight scenes – if you can see them – are completely average and uninteresting. You’ve definitely see this all before.

Let me emphasize that even more… NOTHING NEW TO SEE HERE AT ALL.

There have been 3 … THREE … TRANSFORMERS movies. Three of them. THREE! That’s 6+ hours of big robots shooting guns, doing flips, using swords and axes, and all sorts of things. Big robots fighting is nothing new. The aliens? Well, you learn nothing about them and they’re all pretty similar and they die as soon as they appear for the most part, so they’re nothing to spend a second thought about. The scenes look just like the Transformers fight scenes except slower and poorly lit.

Remember in the first Transformers movie where Optimus Prime skated along the freeway and tackled that bad robot off the freeway… that right there is better than anything you’ll see in Pacific Rim.

So, the fight scenes – what you’re there to see – are not original nor are they fun to watch.

What else?

Well, there’s tons of shitty storyline that has no baring on the movie as a whole.

Most of this movie is terrible acting in terrible scenes. And there’s a lot of it. There’s are chunks of this movie where you never hear about those robots nor see them.

What is “Pacific Rim”? Well, it’s a really bad rip off of STARSHIP TROOPERS without all the cynical social commentary and replaced with a CW style level acting and emotion.¬†

Remember those cadet scenes in Starship Troopers? Picture a lot of those scenes, but worse and as mentioned they don’t tie into a greater picture making fun of our obsession with violence or our government fabricating fear to get us into wars.

Also, Pacific Rim? It’s a stupid movie title to begin with and it gets worse as the aliens aren’t coming up through the Pacific Rim, but teleporting there. It’s just such a stupid title. Seriously, any title about what the movie is supposedly about would be better like Robot Pilots or Robots vs. Aliens or Robots vs. Monsters or Watch Charlie Day as the John Turturro character from Transformers… et cetera.

The movie is just bad.

So much unnecessary storyline that goes no where and has nothing for the movie audience to latch onto. So much time spent explaining pseudo science or pseudo technology when who gives a fuck because this isn’t a documentary. I don’t need to know the engine size of the robot because it doesn’t exist and these fake specs that are being thrown out are meaningless. Who cares?!

Why introduce something if it is never going to happen that way or be used more than once? Why? It’s a waste of time and is stupid. That sounds vague, but applies to nearly everything that happens in the movie. Nothing goes as according to plan in this movie; nothing works the way it should, so how am I supposed to have faith in any of these people if they’re all doing their jobs wrong?

Also, there’s just such nonsense in this movie. Like Charlie Hunnam’s character not knowing there’s a sword available on the robot that he pilots. Really? IT’S THE ROBOT HE’S PILOTED FOR YEARS! He’s never known there’s a sword? A SWORD! No one mentioned to the guy that they attached a sword that is fucking 100 ft. long for him to use? Fucking stupid. Just so much stupid shit in this movie. Stupid shit that is beyond stupid.

Bad movie.

Worse than any Transformers movie or Power Rangers movie/TV show by far. Seriously, the people in costumes pro-wrestling around cardboard towns in the Power Rangers TV show is a million times better than anything that happens in this movie.

Also, the movie is creep city.

Idris Elba doesn’t age a day and yet this little Japanese girl ages maybe 15 years in the movie. Charlie Hunnam only appears to get younger from scene to scene.

Anyway… nothing is good in this movie. Really can’t imagine people thinking that this movie is good. I cannot think of a single aspect of this movie that is better than the Transformers movies and those movies are barely watchable.

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