Warren Wilhelm, Jr. is your new New York City MAYOR – WOOOO!!!

November 6, 2013

Hello all.

I’d like to give a big congratulations to the NEW New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm, Jr. who won in an absurd +70% landslide over Joe Lhota.

Congratulations to Warren and his lovely family who were a big fixture throughout the campaign.

This is a little bit of an older picture, but that’s them.

There’s Dante whose mighty afro is easily 6 to 15x the size.

There’s Chiara who has grown into a lovely college student who oft wears headbands with flowers on them that for some reason anger the living shit out of my live-in girlfriend.

There’s Chirlane who was once a lesbian, which was noted in her 1979 Essence article entitled “I Am a Lesbian”.

And there’s Bill… errr… Bill? Hmmmm… where’s Warren? Did they cut Warren out of the picture? That’s strange. Isn’t… oh wait. WARREN IS BILL. BILL IS WARREN. FINKLE IS EINHORN!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Actually, I kind of love this story.

See, yesterday, everyone and their black mother voted for a Democratic nominee named Bill de Blasio who served under Mayor Dickens umpteen years ago. The kicker? Bill de Blasio was born Warren Wilhelm, Jr., which is both a very German sounding name and not the name of a man who would convert an African-American lesbian into being his wife and mother of his children. Nor is it a mayor’s name for any other city besides Munich.

Apparently, Warren Wilhelm, Sr. wasn’t the best. He left their home and divorced his wife by the time Jr. was 8. So, when Warren Wilhelm, Jr. reached the ages of reactionary youth like 18-24 aka college age, Warren started introducing his mother’s maiden named de Blasio into the mix.

From there, Warren was eventually thrown to the wolves and Bill was adopted with both hands.

BILL DE BLASIO WAS BORN!

I think it’s wonderful. The man knew what he was doing when he adopted the name Bill de Blasio. People had all these crazy ideas about John Kerry knowing that he was going to run for President 30+ years after Vietnam during Vietnam and he setup the whole swift boat rocket launcher attack and blah blah blah Republicans are crazy. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Warren Wilhelm is not an electable name in New York City. Most definitely Bill de Blasio is.

Bill de Blasio is a name one would elect through the tri-state without a second fucking thought. In almost every major city, Bill de Blasio is a name someone would vote for. Chicago? Definitely. Bill de Blasio is an electable name in Chicago. Warren Wilhelm, Jr.? Not a fucking chance. Get the fucking out of town, you Nazi sympathizing sounding name Warren Wilhelm.

BUT! Bill de Blasio is electable and was elected.

I mean it’s pretty fucking tough to beat a guy as ethnically diverse as Bill de Blasio et family in a city that is as ethnically diverse as New York City.

And it’s make it doubly or triply or whateverly tough when you’re an idiot like Joe Lhota.

If you’re unfamiliar with the NYC mayoral race then let me introduce to apocalyptic preacher Joe Lhota.

I don’t know everything about Joe Lhota, but Joe Lhota is an idiot because Joe Lhota listened to whomever thought scaring NYC voters into voting for him was the right strategy to use.

I don’t know if Joe Lhota was a particularly good candidate or Bill de Blasio was a particularly good candidate, but what I do know is that Joe Lhota was not running for mayor as much as foretelling an Armageddon doom that would come to the city if the guy with the welcoming looking black family won.

Joe Lhota spent almost all of his adult life as a money man who went from company to company and seemingly was quite successful at it. He’s also not a social conservative and is quite liberal with social politics like being pro choice, pro marriage equality, and so forth. What keeps Lhota a “republican” is more so him working for Giuliani when he was mayor and his fiscal conservatism ideals.

Nevertheless… Joe Lhota’s campaign began and ended with him taking the Youtube video clip of the motorcyclists attacking that Range Rover and saying that this is what will become of New York City if de Blasio gets elected.

UHHHHHH… that clip is from last month. It’s what’s happening in NYC right the fuck now. Besides the fact that that was a single problem that was outrageous and completely not indicative of anything.

Anyway…

Congratulations to Bill de Blasio for running a campaign of happiness centered around the idea that we could all one day have brunch with your Hallmark card family.

And to Joe Lhota, kindly fuck off.

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