HUNGER GAMES 2 CATCHING ROTTEN TOMATOES ON FIRE… or something

November 22, 2013

Whaddup.

I’VE GOT WOOD FLOORS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

As for the home buying process with @_dharv and I, WE BOUGHT THAT SHIT! WHAT?! WHAT NOW?! IT’S OURS! GET THE FUCK OUT MY HOUSE! GET THE FUCK OFF MY LAWN! GET… over here actually. I mean we’re pretty inclusive people. We like having people over to drink beers and eat ribs and watch football. It’s all cool. It’s just been an aggressive and frustrating process. So, IT’S OURS NOW, BITCHES!

We bought the house on Wednesday. Signed the papers and I have the deed and everything. Honestly, I think it is ridiculous that I own a house. I read Japanese comic books every week and I talked to one of Danielle’s co-workers for like 20 minutes breaking down the pros and cons of buying the Playstation 4 or the Xbox One. At the same time, you just take life as it comes, so it came a house all over my chest and I’m living with it.

Yesterday, started the improvements before we move in phase. We’re moving in officially on Wednesday, but the house we bought was covered in shitty carpets even though there were perfectly nice wood floors underneath as seen in the picture. So, the floor guys came over and tore everything out and got rid of the shitty orange padding underneath and have been sanding and today will finish sanding, cleaning up, and start staining the floors.

If anything, about this house the floors will be nice.

Also, it doesn’t appear to be drafty. That’s another good thing that I’ve grossly under-appreciated for my whole life until living in this house that Danielle and I currently rent. This house we’re currently in for another week is drafty as fuck. It’s the draftiest fucking house ever. If it is windy outside then it is for damn sure windy in here. It’s crazy. You’re not supposed to experience “wind chill” inside a structure.

So, we’re moving in Wednesday, cable/internet on Tuesday, Thanksgiving Thursday, and whatever else life decides to cum all over us on Friday I suppose.

Major things besides moving everything in and getting more furniture to actually fill the house – upgrading the electric as well as modernize a lot of it, fence in the backyard, paint the inside of the house, buy a washer/dryer. Actually, I think washer/dryer is the first thing and I think we’re going to attempt to fight the crowds on Black Friday for one of each.

So… yeah. Home owner. White, male, property owner – I’m the villain of the 18th and 19th and honestly all the centuries.

Anyway…

SIDE BOOB!

CATCHING FIRE is getting good reviews.

Not surprising. The first movie got good reviews too. Also, not surprising because every blockbuster action movie gets good reviews nowadays. Seriously, PACIFIC RIM was thoroughly incompetent and it got a billion good reviews. That movie will literally and scientifically destroy your IQ if you think about for too long.

So let’s look at what ROTTEN TOMATOES has culled…

Well, thus far, 168 reviews have been reported with an overwhelmingly 150 positive reviews with a paltry 18 “rotten” reviews.

Positive reviews are needless. If you want to see a movie and are unsure, don’t read the positive reviews. They’re flowery nonsense most of the time. You can’t really gauge what’s in the movie if they’re just orally stimulating it’s hot rod the whole time. You need to hear the “critique”. You know? So, let’s focus on the 18 joyless fucks who just couldn’t enjoy sitting and staring at America’s sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence for two hours while she wears dresses made of fire, shoots arrows, runs around, and in the end wins whatever it is that she’s winning.

Also, of the 18 reviews, only 5 are “top critics”. Just throwing that out there.

Jennifer Lawrence sparkles once again, but this diluted sequel fails to ignite. – Sophie Monks Kaufman

Jeez, Sophie. Did your sopping wet vagina write this review? I’m sure I’ll feel a little like Sophie after seeing the movie. Like, who cares about these other fuck wits? Let’s just have a real time romantically shot one take of Katniss taking a hot shower and working out all the tension in her body to a nice relaxed state that may or may not be 45 minutes and then the rest can be her killing all of the other Hunger Gamers minus Jena Malone who submits to Jennifer and then they take another 45 minute long shower together to get all that mud out of their hair and out from underneath their fingernails and explore each others bodies. I mean I’ll cool with that. I’m sure Sophie is as well. Honestly, Jennifer Lawrence and Jena Malone don’t even need to do the scene in character. It could simply be done in their trailers on the movie studio parking lot.

Slavish devotion to the text and its legion of fans seems to be a problem; Collins’ world is so lacking in invention that there’s very little for director Francis Lawrence to do. – Chris Fyvle

Suck a dick, Chris. Go get a real last name. I haven’t read the books nor will I, but they seem to do a decent enough job at ripping off the other billion movies/books made about the exact same subject of a future society that has a blood letting reality game series. Also, lack of invention? Umm… I believe in the first movie there were dogs with human faces. Right? They didn’t explain them AT ALL, but they were there.

A chatty, 90 minute fashion show followed by a 50 minute (recycled) action picture. – Roger Moore

Ummmm… unless James Bond started writing an unsuccessful movie blog then this jackhole should be Roger “F.” Moore or something. And then F in that example stood for “Fuckhead”. Also, I think Moore is right, but that’s what the first movie was so whatever and it’s also exactly what he should have expected. It’s pretty much going to be that HARRY POTTER: THE GOBLET OF FIRE as we all should expect it to be.

What’s wrong with “The Hunger Games” and its sequel, “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire?” Well, I just can’t get past the buffoonery. – Paul Chambers

Says the shill who gave “Pacific Rim” an A-. AN A-?! The movie is fucking idiotic. Why didn’t it get an A+? Or an A? Because you may have found something wrong in that a guy who has piloted a robot for years doesn’t know there is a 60 foot sword attached to the robot to use to fight with and no one mentions it to him nor does his co-pilot mention it to him until they’re just about to die and then the sword is the greatest weapon of all time, which is used to kill every bad guy they face from then on as well as save their lives a few times and no one ever thought about it before hand? Was that maybe what he felt was lacking? The fact that the last half hour of the movie revolves around the robot using a sword that it had all the time that no one previously mentioned at any point and it is seemingly the greatest weapon to ever be used on these aliens? That movie fucking sucked and so do you Paul.

A ho-hum sequel that mostly sets the stage for hopefully more scintillating future chapters. – Tim Grierson

Spoiler alert, jackass, if you don’t like this then you probably won’t like the “future chapters” which is the next book split into two movies. Also, fuck you.

Even viewers dragged into it kicking and screaming are unlikely to be bored out of their minds. Well, not entirely. – Kurt Loder

Too fucking funny. Kurt Loder aka that dinosaur from MTV is not a “top critic”. I guess that makes sense since all he did was hold a microphone while other people talked throughout his big career with MTV, I doubt anyone gives a fuck what he thinks about movies. Also, fuck Kurt Loder.

Though some of the chases and escapes are thrillingly filmed, this last section of the film feels indistinguishable from plenty of other video-game-style avoid-the-obstacle action climaxes. – Dana Stevens

Hey, Dana, shut up. Video games rule, Dana Stevens drools.

The grand climax, whose elements include a long piece of wire, a lightning bolt, and an electronic force field, is an incoherent, rapid blur that will send the audience scurrying back to the book to find out what’s supposed to be going on. – David Denby

Probably true, but Denby’s a killjoy. He called THE MATRIX “nonsense” and he didn’t like FIGHT CLUB. Hey buddy, why don’t you trip into a pile of cancer for me?

The jungle scenes were shot in Hawaii, so at least they all got a paid vacation. – Rex Reed

Hey Rex, SHOVE A PENCIL UP YOUR BUTT! Fuck yourself with a #2 pencil.

And finally…

Same ‘Logan’s Run’ as bad reality TV show as the first one, minus the shaky-cam (I was grateful for that). – James Verniere

YES! YES! YES!

The only thing I needed to know… NO SHAKY CAM.

Fuck Gary Ross in his fucking eyes for that stupid shaky cam. Good Lord that was insufferable.

So, now, go enjoy the movie of Jennifer Lawrence prancing and no shaky cam. WOOOO!!

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you.

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One Response to “HUNGER GAMES 2 CATCHING ROTTEN TOMATOES ON FIRE… or something”

  1. tiffanized said

    Congratulations on your relatively well-sealed new home. I have a chimney that, when the wind blows, sneezes ash all about my living room. I hope that is not happening to you at your new homestead. Wood floors are great for dogs and kids, particularly in matters of urine and vomit.

    “Slavish devotion to the text and its legion of fans seems to be a problem”. Yes, it’s always unwise to stay true to the text when making a movie based on a book that is passionately loved by the people you want to pay money to see your movie. I mean, why would they want to impress people who have read the books six times and named their goldfish Katniss and Peeta and take a week off every June to participate in a reenactment of the Hunger Games? Let’s just piss those people off and make the movie for assholes who will only come see it to give it a negative review.

    One Direction is doing a 7-hour Livestream tomorrow. Their only directive for us as fans is to stock up on toilet paper, but apparently not to wipe our butts with, which leads me to believe there are going to me a lot of dads and moms screaming “where the fuck is the goddamn toilet paper I swear to GOD Ashleigh you better not have used it all up for One Direction” tomorrow evening. Personally I’m just going to drink a jug of bourbon in my underpants while I watch it. Maybe I’ll get a helmet too since last night my kid hit me in the head with my own iPhone while we flailed around watching them perform on X Factor and it still hurts like a bitch.

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