American Music Awards Are A Thing?! Anyway, RED CARPET PICTURES!

November 25, 2013

What it is, my lovely social degenerates!

Today, we will look at pictures of pretty celebrities and I’ll probably say something snarky or random or both or neither. Who knows?!

Anyway, if you’re wondering about moving anywhere… DON’T! PACKING IS THE WORST!

On the flip-side, you should probably move because there are almost always better places in the world than where you currently are. Unless, you’re one of the richy rich who are in an underwater hotel off the coast of an island that is inhabited by only people you pay to be there. Then, I’d say STAY WHERE YOU ARE… unless a tsunami is heading your way and then I’d say get the fuck out of there, but whatever you’re probably an enormous asshole if you live in an underwater hotel off the coast of your own private island and fuck you. This paragraph has taken an odd and aggressive turn.

AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS?! WHAT’S THAT?!

I don’t know. I didn’t watch a single second of it. I couldn’t even tell you what channel it was on. It may not even be a real thing. These pictures could all be photoshopped. How would I know? I was busy watching the chaos that was the New England Patriots vs. the Denver Broncos. I was also packing which is why I hate packing because I’m literally packing right now. Well, not LITERALLY in my life because I’m typing right now, but depending on when you read this I could be packing. Unless it is a week from now and then I won’t be packing. I will be unpacking then.

So… I think I set this up pretty well, right?

By the way, if you smoke, and I’m talking cigarettes, no matter how cautious you are when smoking you still smell like you were raped by a camp fire. I don’t know how to express this any better. Smokers are not fooling anyone. You weren’t fooling anyone in the 50’s and you’re not doing any better now. Especially, the longer you have smoked the more you smell like a camp fire fucked you so bad it is oozing out of your pores. You just can’t get that smell off of you.

You can’t remove smoke or condom smell from anything.

And on that note… RED CARPET PICTURES!!!!!

Christina Aguilera looks like a pornstar.

A good looking pornstar, even great looking pornstar, but nothing beyond that. Funny, a lot of pornstars don’t look like pornstars. I don’t know if I would go as far as “most” by I’d say closing in on 50% of female pornstars look like chicks. Some hot, some ok, some not so ok, but they look like normal people. Either way, Christina doesn’t look like a normal person. She looks specifically like a hot lady who gets all her make-up done, her hair done up, and wears a ridiculous and revealing dress so that one man with a giant dick or multiple men with giant dicks will strip her of her clothes bang her dizzy.

Anyway, it’s much better than she was looking for a little while when you she looked like Christina Aguliera if she began emulating Meat Loaf’s lifestyle in the 90’s. Generally speaking, she was still good looking because she’s simply good looking in general, but she doesn’t look bloated anymore, which is always an improvement.

Life tip: avoid looking bloated. No one has ever paid a compliment to another person about how bloated they look.

Taylor Swift looks like a hussy.

It’s a combination of the hair and the dress and the not smiling. It’s not so much Swift in particular, but if any chick dressed like this with their hair like that and not smiling like Swift is – I’d think hussy.

On top of that, I think Taylor Swift looks like a high-priced Las Vegas escort.

Swfity has certainly worn more classier get ups and looked in a way I would describe as “beautiful”, but at whatever awards this show was she looks like a hussy/escort.

She’s certainly looked worse.

It’s not a great outfit by any stretch of the imagination, but Lady Gaga has worn some stinkers in her time. Behind her is the horse she rode in on, and judging by the legs of the horse there are men playing that horse and later those men will probably ride Lady Gaga. Fingers crossed and all.

Without all the nonsense, Lady Gaga has a great body and is an attractive Italian girl, but that’s not interesting and apparently wearing a thin lavender sleeping bag with some chains is more interesting. Whatever.

On the realz, Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta has a great ass.

Yuck.

What is happening here. How is this outfit less appealing than that thoroughly unattractive nude bikini she wore at the VMAs?

There are a lot of websites that point out that Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber look a lot like. The two of them are mirroring each other in the crazy department as well. Minus the high heels, I would 100% bet Bieber could pull this outfit off better than Miley.

Jordin Sparks, y’all. Looking good.

I bet she’d look pretty f’n sexy dressed as Jasmine from “Aladdin”. I’m not sure Jordin needs to be this dressed up for a shitty ass awards show, but she looks great. Maybe I’m partial to Jordin Sparks over Miley Cyrus because Sparks’ face is pretty and warm as opposed to cracky and crazy with Cyrus. ALSO, Sparks looks like she’s got a set of cans – boobs and butt, however you use the term – which is how I like my women. I like for women to have boobs and butts. Call me crazy. And, when they’re in clothes, I’d like for those women to still look like they have boobs and butts.

I’m not saying Miley doesn’t have boobs. She does have boobs. I’ve seen them. You can see them too if you look at the pictures she took with Terry Richardson. But looking at the picture above, you wouldn’t think she had boobs. If Jordin Sparks was wearing a blazer with no shirt on then you’d see some fucking boobs. Let me bet all the money in the world on that.

Has anyone ever thought of calling boobs… boods? Just wondering.

Ke$ha.

Did that at all surprise you? It did me. Besides Ke$ha’s expected vacant stare, she looks great. She looks like she’s living an un-Ke$ha like life, which is great for her physical state, but could have potential problems with her music. I’m sure the record company and her bank account forced her to make that fucking awful song with Pitbull that sounds like the shittiest rip off of the Avicii “Wake me up”.

Remember when Ke$ha’s body was rectangle? That was hilarious.

Meh.

I’m not saying you could find 5 guys who look exactly like this 100x over on the streets of London. I’m saying you could 10,000x over. I’m saying however many high school aged boys live in England, you could find a Harry Sheehen(?) or whatever equivalent in roughly every 50 of them. I think I’ve admitted time and time again what men I think are attractive or have no problem saying some dude is attractive, but legit these guys… meh.

I get there’s a prominent male heterosexual fetish for school girls and there are clearly tons of heterosexual women who have a fetish for school boys and One Direction is the manifestation of that… I’m just saying…

Speaking of toe-ing the line of acceptable pedophilia, Ariana Grande!

She’s got a great voice or whatever you want to say to justify it, but her whole career is like legal kiddy porn.

First things first, Chilli’s name is Rozonda. BOOM!

I have no fucking clue what Chilli is wearing nor does she. She looks the fucking same though, which is amazing. She was the hottest TLC member and she still looks like the hottest TLC member. T-Boz now looks like what I imagine T-Boz’s mother looked like.

Rozonda is a sexy lady and she needs to stop having Stevie Wonder dress her.

WHO THE FUCK ELSE IS BLIND?! Seriously, are there any blind people under the age of 50?

Didn’t Marion Coutilard(?) wear a weird dress like this to the Golden Globes or the Oscars not too long ago? I’m 100% sure she did. Anyway, Jennifer Hudson is a good looking lady and this dress look like the bottom half got caught in the door of her car as she was stepping away and it partially got torn off into a mini-skirt, but she looks fashionable and just rocks it like she’s living in a Cameron Diaz movie.

Fuh-huck.

Ciara should be in more things. More things where she wears clothes like this or even less clothes. Good lord. I don’t know the last time I heard a Ciara song or even if she’s still making songs, but who the fuck cares. Ciara looks like Halle Berry at whatever age Ciara is right now. That’s Halle Berry’s body that Ciara has somehow obtained.

Can we fucking fire The Governor on The Walking Dead and replace him with Ciara? I don’t give a fuck how they do it or if they never explain. Just get Ciara on the show as the enemy and she never dies just like The Governor and she attracts hot chicks to just hang around her just like The Governor and ultimately she ends up seducing Maggie and Michonne to rule the world together as zombie assassins who lesbianize each other.

This is just a guess, but Kylie forgot to wear a top or at least forgot to wear a top that is suitable for a busty underage girl to wear on ABC on Primetime. So, in the limo on the way over, they just ripped off the skirt and shoulders of Kendall’s outfit and scotch tapped them together for Kylie to wear as a shirt.

That’s my guess.

Still got it.

Everyone talks about how Stacey Dash still looks fucking crazy hot, which she does. But Alicia Silverstone is still great looking. Stacey appears to not age at all, which is incredible and scientifically impossible. Silverstone has aged, but gracefully. She’s going to be fuckable looking past 60.

Errrr…

I hate being like “this outfit is terrible” because that makes me feel like I’m a fat Andy Cohen, but seriously what the fuck is this. Is this a floor length disco romper?

I thought Emma looked better as a brunette. Also, healthier. I feel like her smile looks wonderful, but she’s in desperate need of vitamins. GIVE EMMA ROBERTS VITAMINS! SHE’S VITAMINLESS!

Yep.

I didn’t make this outfit. I didn’t tell Naya Rivera to wear it. I didn’t know her name was Naya Rivera until Yahoo told me. So, it’s not me whose the real shallow one just staring through her well placed window to her under/side tits. I’m just living in the world that Naya created by wearing this. If I wore a pair of jeans where there was a window cut out for you to see the bottoms of my balls, it wouldn’t be your fault for looking at them. It’s just how it is.

What a fucking tool?

I guarantee no one I’ve conversed with in the past month knows who this guy is. And I’m happy about that. I don’t know who he is either. I can only assume he’s a shitty pop country artist who is supposedly the salt of the Earth meanwhile looks like the biggest fucking douche bag ever and the furthest thing from a “country boy” or whatever.

Strangely enough, I’d imagine I know people who know who this gentleman is.

My first guess was Wiz Khalifa, but it’s not him. He’s just some other malnourished tattooed rapper who I can only imagine drops the n-word every other word in his “songs”. I love rap music, but that doesn’t mean I love all rap music. Anyway… just saying I’m not expecting much lyrically from Tyga up here.

Well, Aubrey makes Naya look subtle now.

Guess what?! You don’t even have to know who Aubrey is to know which of these ladies I’m talking about. It probably took you several seconds for you even to get to this point in my writing because you were too busy staring at the tit show going on up there. I literally have no idea what it’s like to live a life where I would wear an outfit like that or the male equivalent to outfit like that. It’s just nothing I’ve ever dealt with. I couldn’t imagine being a woman and wearing an outfit where legit my tits were just out. The amount of skin she’s showing in more than her head. Like you could take her head and fit it comfortably in that gaping neck line.

I’m not “complaining”. At the same time, they’re not pleasant to look at. It’s like dirty graphic. It’s not like you’re going to make love to a woman like that. It’s more or less like you’re going to have some demeaning sex probably that smells of cigarettes and bronzer.

I’d like as much forehead as you give me, professional stylist I paid.

The dude in this picture is the GENIUS behind “Country Girl (Shake It For Me)”, which is probably the only pop country song I have ever or will ever enjoy. Although, I’m thoroughly biased when it comes to that song. It’s both quite catchy, but also brings back extremely absurd memories of a high school girl tap dancing to a room full of peers, family members, peers family members, and some outright strangers (myself) to that song. Similarly, I was kind of meh on some bands in the late 90’s, early 2000’s that were popular metal/rock acts, but people who make music videos of animes seemed to be real into them and I have fond memories of their editing jobs to those songs like from Korn or Linkin Park, so I’m not as much of a “hater” of them because of that. Also, yes, I just referenced watching fan made anime music videos, which means I’m a huge nerd, but what the fuck ever. I’ve got a girlfriend, a pitbull, and a house… I somehow still made it.

I assume they brought these two in from the nearest wax museum.

Ugh.

I’ve got nothing against either of these men, but if someone was like, “Do you want to punch Billy Ray Cyrus and/or Wayne Newton in the face? $100 each?” I’d do it. I’d do it in a fucking heartbeat. They are thoroughly punchable people. I wouldn’t even care if that $100 went to a terrible cause either.

I’m a big fan of Sarah Silverman.

Not in love with the dress. At least from this angle, it kind of makes her look rectangular and not nearly as curvy as she actually is. Also, it just looks meh in general. Yellow, fake leather – I’m assuming. Anyway, she’s great looking and she’s incredibly talented and her new HBO special on Saturday night was funny. Her previous stand-up movie “Jesus is Magic” is hilarious and a must watch for people who find things funny.

I do not have the money nor the confidence to dress like Akon.

I’m assuming this outfit was more expensive than anything I would spend on an outfit that isn’t a suit. Nevertheless, I wish I just walked around in black leather pants and black leather t-shirt that said “NEVER SURRENDER” on it for whatever reason. He looks like a crazy person, but it’s fucking amazing too.

Akon, you’re wonderful.

I mean outside of some of the weird shit you used to do like bench press fans of yours into the audience totally disregarding how injured they could get.

Calvin Harris.

I’m guessing this is just what Calvin Harris looks like every day of his life. Not dressed up or anything. It’s like he was passing by and someone spotted him.

Hey, are you Calvin Harris?

Yes.

Like the Calvin Harris who has 3 great albums and has been collaborative on some of the biggest dance-y pop songs of the past few years?

Yes.

You’ll never guess this by the celebrities we’ve invited, but this is a music awards show. So, could you stand here for a moment while we take pictures of you to pretend like we know anything about popular and good music?

Ok.

These guys have got to be the biggest European nerds ever, right? Well, not nerds. Maybe dorks. They look like they would start a band called “Imagine Dragons”. I wouldn’t want to be stuck in conversation with any one of these guys in a room by myself with them ever. They all probably care chloroform.

I’ll never understand why so many beautiful women have allowed Marc Anthony to put his dirty dick in them.

Honestly, I’ll never understand it. And don’t even pretend, you know it’s dirty.

If I had to make a comic book character who is the living embodiment of an STD, Marc Anthony would be my reference.

James Durbin, Heidi Lowe.

I have no idea who these two people are. I know their names because of Yahoo. I know they’re married because Yahoo’s caption told me that as well. But I don’t know anything else nor will I.

What I will say, if you are a person who for whatever reason follows James Durbin and Heidi Lowe’s marriage – when they get a divorce because James Durbin comes out of the closet just think to yourself, hey KSWI Jordan was right. That’s all I ask of you.

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND?!

XOXOXOXOXOXO

2 Responses to “American Music Awards Are A Thing?! Anyway, RED CARPET PICTURES!”

  1. Marc Anthony’s legs make me uncomfortable.

  2. tiffanized said

    Meh or not, I had a conversation with my ex-husband today about how much one could sell a vial of One Direction’s ball sweat for, and we agreed it would be astronomical. We think they should do a parody of their perfume commercial as an SNL skit when they are on in a couple of weeks, only selling their ball sweat instead. Maybe bring in Alec Baldwin for some Schweddy Balls talk.

    Also Harry Sheehen (or Harry Styles as literally everyone else knows him) has gotten his penis very close to Taylor Swift and also Kendall Jenner. Not bad. I’d be more impressed if he’d gotten it close to Ciara though, Christ she looks amazing.

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