Happy Veterans Day!

November 11, 2013

Hello, veterans!

I’d just like to wish all the veterans out there a happy day and to say you’re all like this…

Like Chuck Fucking Norris.

Like the Chuck Fucking Norris that the internet and movies invented and not the actual Chuck Norris because he’s kind of a weirdo who believes Texas should secede and become its own country which is hilariously stupid and proves what an uncontrollable idiot and non-patriot the real Chuck Norris is nevertheless the plan would immediately backfire for a billion reasons that the first being if Texas became its own country completely free of the US of A that Mexico would immediately take over Texas AND then the US would have to fight Mexico to get Texas back and thus making Texas a state again.

Anyway… veterans are like the movie Chuck Fucking Norris from “Missing in Action” where he’s an unforgivable badass winning wars all by his lonesome.

Happy Veterans Day!

Whaddup.

I was planning on doing the CMA’s red carpet yesterday, but before I saw the red carpet photos I saw that Carrie Underwood and some country singer guy and maybe more people did a spoof song on Obamacare and instead of writing a post I decided to pray to the Lord above that all the CMA people got herpes in all their orifices.

Listen, you rich privileged fucks who can afford whatever diamond studded healthcare you heart desires because there are such fucking idiots in this world that will pay several hundred to thousands of dollars to listen to your absolutely trite and unoriginal garbage testicle-less musak, there are people out there who need healthcare and laughing in their face about – well fuck your fucking shit fucking selves in your shit fucking brain holes.

PLUS… Carrie Underwood’s Monday Night Football anthem sucks dick.

And I’m not talking about clean cut, not too veiny, well formed man’s penis, which is attached to a man you’re attracted to and doesn’t have any sexually transmitted diseases.

I’m talking like ant-eater’s dick. Like that’s not a dick you should be anywhere near with anything ever.

So, this post has kind of never been on its rails…

I really just wanted to say that yesterday’s post didn’t happen because I got mad and I forgot what time it was.

Today’s post… well… I hope you have a wonderful weekend as always.

I did want to post a picture, a picture I’ve seen others criticize and yet I think it is perfect and wonderful.

MISS UNIVERSE!!!!

Apparently, they’re still having these competitions. I don’t think I’ve watched a Miss America, Miss Teen America, Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss some chick walking around a stage or whatever competition in literally 20 years. I know I’ve watched like one of these competitions, but I was a kid and didn’t know better.

Nevertheless, they’re still happening and this year’s Miss Universe had a “costume” category.

It appears that the costumes had to have some relation to the chick’s home country she’s representing in the “universe”. Here are some examples…

POLAND!

It’s nice. It actually looks like a nice dress. I mean I don’t really know how often chicks wear white dresses, but this is fairly nice looking and kind of contemporary looking even. It’s not really much of a “costume”. Either way, it’s nice.

NAMIBIA

Ok. This has a period piece feel. It’s definitely got an older style look. Also, very earthy with the greens. It’s not something you would normally wear, so it does feel costumey, but it’s not ridiculous or anything. I mean it’s a “costume” they’re supposed to be wearing. Costumes are supposed to be adventurous, a break from the status quo. This feels safe.

COSTA RICA

Ok, now we’re getting some where. This is absurd. Looks like a pink Egyptian something or other. Looks like a Mardi Gras parade lady. It’s definitely not something she could go to the grocery store in. So, it’s a nice “costume”. Still though, it’s nothing we haven’t really seen before. Like I said, it kind of looks like any carnivale parade chick.

HAITI

This is kind of own the same level of out there as the last one. She kind of looks like one of the dancers during the wedding scene in “Coming to America”, which is one of the greatest movies ever made ever. Don’t be fooled by Eddie Murphy’s debacles of movies over the past decade or so, the dude made a few movies that are absolutely perfect with “Coming to America” and “Trading Places” being two of them. Perfect movies.

GREAT BRITAIN

Yep. Great Britain knows what costumes are all about – sluttiness. She’s got her T’s up and her P pretty much out. I mean the other outfits were colorful, but you wouldn’t think high priced escort, but Great Britain brings that flare. Well done, GB. Keep it classy.

SWITZERLAND

Sexy, but with a Disney kind of mystique about it. It’s not slutty like GB’s. It’s sexy, but it’s superhero-y. I guess she’s like an ice or snow queen, but like a really nice one. She’s just some cute blonde in a one-piece looking like she’s going to jump into a pool in some Esther Williams movie.

Some are interesting, some are safe.

But, there’s one country, one country to rule them all that needs to show off its costume.

AND. IT’S. MAGNIFICENT.

U. S. A.

OPTIMUS MOTHERFUCKING PRIME!!!

AMAZING!!!! I LOVE AMERICA!!!

It’s pretty much Lady Gaga as Optimus Prime, which is also 100% American as well.

I love it. I love it for what it is and I love it for what it is insinuating.

Optimus Prime is fucking American. You bet your ass, he’s American.

Optimus Prime is another American success story. He’s an alien who was a middling character on his home planet caught up in a war and then came to the U. S. of A. aka the Land of Opportunity and he became a hero and leader to his people and ours and to this entire planet. Optimus Prime, I love it.

I hope that Great Britain chick mouthed off to USA and USA/Optimus Prime punched the bitch in her veneers.

Have a great weekend.

I love you.

Seriously… fuck ’em.

Hello all.

I’d like to give a big congratulations to the NEW New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm, Jr. who won in an absurd +70% landslide over Joe Lhota.

Congratulations to Warren and his lovely family who were a big fixture throughout the campaign.

This is a little bit of an older picture, but that’s them.

There’s Dante whose mighty afro is easily 6 to 15x the size.

There’s Chiara who has grown into a lovely college student who oft wears headbands with flowers on them that for some reason anger the living shit out of my live-in girlfriend.

There’s Chirlane who was once a lesbian, which was noted in her 1979 Essence article entitled “I Am a Lesbian”.

And there’s Bill… errr… Bill? Hmmmm… where’s Warren? Did they cut Warren out of the picture? That’s strange. Isn’t… oh wait. WARREN IS BILL. BILL IS WARREN. FINKLE IS EINHORN!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Actually, I kind of love this story.

See, yesterday, everyone and their black mother voted for a Democratic nominee named Bill de Blasio who served under Mayor Dickens umpteen years ago. The kicker? Bill de Blasio was born Warren Wilhelm, Jr., which is both a very German sounding name and not the name of a man who would convert an African-American lesbian into being his wife and mother of his children. Nor is it a mayor’s name for any other city besides Munich.

Apparently, Warren Wilhelm, Sr. wasn’t the best. He left their home and divorced his wife by the time Jr. was 8. So, when Warren Wilhelm, Jr. reached the ages of reactionary youth like 18-24 aka college age, Warren started introducing his mother’s maiden named de Blasio into the mix.

From there, Warren was eventually thrown to the wolves and Bill was adopted with both hands.

BILL DE BLASIO WAS BORN!

I think it’s wonderful. The man knew what he was doing when he adopted the name Bill de Blasio. People had all these crazy ideas about John Kerry knowing that he was going to run for President 30+ years after Vietnam during Vietnam and he setup the whole swift boat rocket launcher attack and blah blah blah Republicans are crazy. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Warren Wilhelm is not an electable name in New York City. Most definitely Bill de Blasio is.

Bill de Blasio is a name one would elect through the tri-state without a second fucking thought. In almost every major city, Bill de Blasio is a name someone would vote for. Chicago? Definitely. Bill de Blasio is an electable name in Chicago. Warren Wilhelm, Jr.? Not a fucking chance. Get the fucking out of town, you Nazi sympathizing sounding name Warren Wilhelm.

BUT! Bill de Blasio is electable and was elected.

I mean it’s pretty fucking tough to beat a guy as ethnically diverse as Bill de Blasio et family in a city that is as ethnically diverse as New York City.

And it’s make it doubly or triply or whateverly tough when you’re an idiot like Joe Lhota.

If you’re unfamiliar with the NYC mayoral race then let me introduce to apocalyptic preacher Joe Lhota.

I don’t know everything about Joe Lhota, but Joe Lhota is an idiot because Joe Lhota listened to whomever thought scaring NYC voters into voting for him was the right strategy to use.

I don’t know if Joe Lhota was a particularly good candidate or Bill de Blasio was a particularly good candidate, but what I do know is that Joe Lhota was not running for mayor as much as foretelling an Armageddon doom that would come to the city if the guy with the welcoming looking black family won.

Joe Lhota spent almost all of his adult life as a money man who went from company to company and seemingly was quite successful at it. He’s also not a social conservative and is quite liberal with social politics like being pro choice, pro marriage equality, and so forth. What keeps Lhota a “republican” is more so him working for Giuliani when he was mayor and his fiscal conservatism ideals.

Nevertheless… Joe Lhota’s campaign began and ended with him taking the Youtube video clip of the motorcyclists attacking that Range Rover and saying that this is what will become of New York City if de Blasio gets elected.

UHHHHHH… that clip is from last month. It’s what’s happening in NYC right the fuck now. Besides the fact that that was a single problem that was outrageous and completely not indicative of anything.

Anyway…

Congratulations to Bill de Blasio for running a campaign of happiness centered around the idea that we could all one day have brunch with your Hallmark card family.

And to Joe Lhota, kindly fuck off.

Guten tag! Mein readers!

I love you.

And, I’m saying that in a sober state and I’m not still drunk from the weekend, which is surprising.

From Thursday night until Sunday evening, I was drinkin’ in the South. I’m talking about the deep South. I’m talking about the home of the Confederacy South. I’m talking about a liberal college town a couple hours South of Washington DC with a big university campus, a kebab places on every other corner, men with artisanal beards, women jogging in between their undergrad or post grad classes, interracial mixing of friends and sexual partners to the point that I’m the racist one for even pointing it out in my head, homosexuals running up and down the streets in leather Halloween costumes, and a love for provolone cheese like I’ve never witnessed before in my life… I’m talking about…

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIR-GINE-NAH!

The aforementioned BREW DAWGZ made it legal this past weekend in his lovely wife’s old stomping grounds around the University of Virginia where she did her undergrad. The two met in grad school at NYU in like 2006. I’m pretty sure it was ’06. And they’ve been living in S-I-N for a billion years at this point and he finally got around to putting a ring on it. They’ve also been literally living in sin for 3 years now, and they’ve rescued a dog – Choopy – in sin as well.

Don’t get me wrong-> a truly wonderful couple.

So, the wedding was Saturday, the rehearsal was Friday, the hangover football marathon was Sunday, and because it takes 7 hours to drive to and from there – the commuting days were Thursday and Monday. Which means, I was in C’Ville – short for Charlottesville and not something else which starts with a C, but I’m guessing that joke gets made a lot by all the 14 year old looking male college students or non-students who live in the area – for 4 nights and 5 days and I experienced quite a lot.

Furthermore, I experience quite a lot of it … BUZZED!

First off, I’m 350 words or so into this post and I’ve got one picture to show you and the rest are words, so let me get this picture in here to at least sell you on the rest of the post…

KA-BOOM!

Look at this fucking couple right here.

Am I in a tuxedo? Yep.

Bowtie? Yep.

A lady hanging on me? Yep.

A beautiful lady? Yep.

In a sexy black dress? Yep.

Is she so deliriously and jaw-droopingly happy to be in my company her mouth can-literally-not stay closed?  Yep.

Am I holding a champagne flute? Yep.

Am I BUZZED on champagne? Yep.

Are we dancing? Yep.

Am I giving a finger gun point to you to stay classy? Yep.

But I digress…

Danielle and I made it down to Charlottesville on Thursday and stayed at a very nice bed ampersand breakfast called the Dinsmore. With it being around dinner time and it being Thursday Night Football night, Danielle and I headed out to the bars! What was also at the bars? College kids looking to get uproariously drunk on Halloween! Ugh…

We went to a bar and it was so loud and filled with college kids whose faces look prepubescent to me at this point, so we went over to another bar named No. 3, which at the time of our arrival had 5 people in it. We thought this place would be perfect to watch the Dolphins beat the Bengals and drink some beer. Of those 5 people, there were 3 girls in the stereotypical slutty costumes with one of them was WonderWoman whose tits were completely out and another being a quite popular costume in C’Ville – Sexy Sully from Monsters Inc. YES! THAT MONSTERS INC! There were numerous girls in Charlottesville “dressed” as slutty Sully. Basically, blue furry ugg boots, blue furry spirit hood, blue micro spandex skirt and blue revealing tank top. SULLY!

5 people in the bar, cut to halftime – there is a DJ spinning, all the tables have been removed except for the one Danielle and I were at, the bar is packed with college kids in costumes, and the place is a fucking dance club(!). We watched the second half of that Fins game and the OT in the comfort of a dance club.

Most notable outfits… 10 girls dressed as Franzia boxes was amazing. Watching Franzia boxes dry hump other Franzia boxes on the dance floor was almost as phenomenal as the Fins besting the Bengals with a safety in OT. Even more notable, the 40ish guy dressed in his local electrical company gear he uses to climb telephone poles to fix transistors including the boots with the metal spikes that stick into the pole with his lady who was simply dressed the way she dresses putting on a dirty dancing lap dance strip show for everyone at the bar. So, amongst all the college kids there was a late 30’s or so couple just outright dryfucking on the dance floor and then he sat down for her to literally do a strip show including many boot drops and her just hanging out in her bra.

ANYWAY!

The rehearsal and the wedding were most of the time we spent down there. We did get over to Jefferson’s Monticello, which was fun and beautiful and was as historical as it is hypocritical. No one loved slaves more than Thomas Jefferson. HE LOVED SLAVES! Dude couldn’t get enough of them! If you think that Jefferson loves slaves right now, you’d be right, but you should go to Monticello and see that you have no idea HOW MUCH HE LOVED SLAVES.

The wedding was at the Trump Winery about 20 minutes outside of Charlottesville’s downtown and was wonderful. It is Trump as in piece of shit fucking moron Donald Trump from the Apprentice who bought this beautiful winery and put his dickhead son in charge. The rehearsal dinner was at the tasting room and the ceremony was at the barn and the reception was at the octagon shaped reception hall next door to the barn. It was all on a beautiful lake with amazing fall foliage everywhere and it was great. That lake even had a wild dog emerge from it before the wedding – true story – who wandered around through to the cocktail hour. Nice dog. Maybe a mythical creature who knows. IT EMERGED FROM A LAKE. Just walked right out of the water. You know, in Ancient Greece, the Gods routinely took the form of animals when walking around on the Earth, so let’s just say that hound was Neptune, ok?

As a groomsmen, I with the other groomsmen spent most of Saturday’s morning and afternoon drinking canned beers while wearing tuxedos and walking around the vineyard with the groom as a photographer took our pictures. At one point, the photographer asked myself and another buddy to lift Brew Dawgz on our shoulders like he won a football game and when I squatted down to get under Dawgz’ right leg… I SPLIT MY FUCKING PANTS.

Literally, less than an hour before I’m supposed to help walk one of my best friends’ down the aisle to marry the love of his life, I have an asshole in my tuxedo pants big enough to get my entire arm through. Thankfully, the bride’s mother had an emergency sewing kit and did an emergency sew on my pants, which held up very nicely for the rest of the day/evening.

Yes, there are pictures of me in a tuxedo shirt, cufflinks, bow tie, beer, socks, red boxer briefs, and no pants walking around the winery with the groom. Hopefully, those pictures are as sexy as I felt while trying to own the situation and not thoroughly embarrassing because I already gave the ok to the photographer to use them and I didn’t think about it until a couple days later that I should have asked to see them first. Well… whatever. I already got that lady on my arm, right?!

It was a fucking great day. So, was Friday too. And Sunday. On Friday, I was hanging out with the groomsmen and many other people attending the wedding, which was great. Amazingly so, Brew Dawgz’ friends from childhood and his friends from college have blended together seamlessly. I’ve known Dawgz for 12 years now – I still can’t believe that it has been this long – and I’ve known his friends from high school and before for not much less than that… 11 years? It’s been several years at this point, that the idea of them being Dawgz’ friends originally is a moot point. I’ve had numerous situations where I’ve been hanging out with one of those guys and we’ll run into someone from their life and that person will ask how we know each other and we’ll kind go through the motions of referencing that I went to college with their childhood buddy, but at this point we’ve been friends for like a decade, so fuck that person for even questioning it.

So, Friday, hanging out with a dozen plus friends and having a great time doing it. Then cut to Saturday, the groomsmen are all lined up and ready to walk out to stand at the alter. We’ve been sequestered all day, so we haven’t seen the rest of the people who are going to show up at the wedding that are also friends. When I walked out and saw another half dozen plus friends sitting in the crowd, I just wanted to laugh hysterically because not only was Friday great and not only was Saturday morning great, but shit was just warming up and Saturday night was going to be that much more fun because I haven’t even gotten a chance to hang out with more friends who are just waiting to hang out in the crowd. Truly a phenomenal day.

And, I drank champagne for like 5 hours. There was no more champagne. I drank all the champagne. I had some help – the bride had some, one of the groomsmen had his fair share, one of buddy’s girlfriend had some – but I definitely drank at least a few bottles to myself.

If you’re at all worried I drove… nope. Actually, the car? Dead. I screwed up on Friday night turning off the headlights and left the fog lamps on and drained Danielle’s car’s batter to death and had to buy her a new battery on Sunday. No, we were ushered around in school buses.

On Sunday, we went over to the bride’s parents’ place they rented and drank beer and ate food and watched football all day. And, Monday we drove back to Nueva Jersey and got to see our pitbull Coco and loved her up too.

I love hanging out with my friends. I love my friends. I love hanging out with my friends and watching them hang out with our other friends. I love my friends significant others who jump right into the mix and get wild with the rest of us even if it was the first time meeting some of us. I love Danielle. I love seeing Danielle mixing it up with my friends and having a good time.

I loved last weekend.

I don’t even mind that it completely messed with my bowels and I’ve been farting pretty nonstop this entire time from all the carbonation from the beer and champagne and my stomach trying its best to churn the sludge of booze and food and get it the fuck out of me.

So, that was my weekend for the most part.

I literally laughed myself sore throughout my entire body.

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