DECEMBER MOVIE PREVIEWS … part 1 DECEMBER MOVIE PREVIEWS … part 1

December 4, 2013

Hello, doo-dads and doo-moms and doo-people-who-know-how-to-pull-out-and-use-contraception!

Let’s talk about it! And by IT I mean like 3 random things I have been thinking about before I get to the first half of the December movie previews.

First up, ABC’s show MARVELS AGENTS OF S.H.I.T.T.Y. S.H.I.E.L.D. is even more of a blatant rip off of HEROES than I expected. Not that I have sat through a full episode of the show or anything, but I have caught a good 15 minutes to 30 minutes every once and a while. Generally speaking, I don’t have a specific show(s) to watch on Tuesday nights and that means when Jeopardy/Wheel of Fortune’s 7pm-8pm hour is up that the channel usually stays on ABC until I realize how completely terrible this Marvel Heroes show is.

The main problem with Heroes was a main problem with most superhero movies, the superhero doesn’t want to be a superhero. That’s forever lame and in pretty much every movie you’ll ever see featuring a superhero. Minus THE CROW, which Eric Draven fully embraces his powers from the get-go and goes thrill killing his enemies, which is one of many reasons why that is arguably the best comic book/superhero movie or just movie movie ever. Anyway…

Basically, no one on Heroes wanted to fucking be a hero. Meanwhile, Marvel just seems like a jokey rip off of one specific storyline – Hayden Panettiere’s dad/guy with the horned rim glasses – of finding heroes each episode and giving them a million of the softest kisses ever. I don’t know what happens on the show – like I said, I only watch 10 or so minutes of it and turn it off.

It sucks. Moving on…

Second, X-MEN!

Another amazing Pete Holmes sketch about the X-Men with him as Professor X firing Rogue. I absolutely love these sketches. I would watch a show of Pete Holmes solely playing Professor X as he fires each and every X-Men character.

I think Holmes is proving the point that Professor X really never needed any of these X-Men to begin with. The point of the X-Men and their school is to provide a world where these mutants could live together like a hippie commune where all their freakishness is accepted and give them something to do like fight mutants who have become criminals and/or raise new mutants to stay good. Professor X really doesn’t need anyone’s help to fight other mutants, but he doesn’t want to fight anyone and would rather convince them to be apart of his clan of do-gooders.

Anyway… the sketches are funny and a lot of X-Men are pointless.

Third, ALMOST HUMAN or really DO YOU KNOW WHO MINKA KELLY’S PARENTS ARE?

Do you?

This real life looking Disney Princess is the daughter of a former Aerosmith guitarist and an “exotic dancer”.

Did you know that? I didn’t until ALMOST HUMAN started and I watched a couple episodes and thought, “I know absolutely nothing about Minka Kelly except that I could draw the subtle curves of her face blindfolded from memory”. So, I looked her up on Wikipedia and I found that out.

Honestly, I think this makes sense as to why Derek Jeter and her did not work out, or why Jeter never proposed or however you want to think about it. I really can’t imagine Derek Jeter and his suburban cookie cutter family spending their holidays with an ex-Aerosmith or ex-stripper. It’s just not something I could see them doing.

On the flip-side, the Kelly’s would be more than welcome at the Newmark/Harvey rogues gallery for the holidays. I’d absolutely love to hear ex-stripper and ex-Aerosmith stories. I hate Aerosmith, which I would downplay around Minka’s dad, but I would keep prodding him for stories where he shits on his ex-band. Maybe he hates them and with that we can talk about that, but I’ll probably avoid the “I think all of Aerosmith’s music should be burned” talking point.

DECEMBER’S MOVIES AND THEIR PREVIEWS!!!! WOOOOO!!! PART 1!!!

If you’re going to see a good movie in theaters this year that’s not named GRAVITY then it’s probably going to be in this month. There are some solid looking movies coming out with the best of the bunch being ANCHORMAN 2, which is in the second half of the month and will be talked about tomorrow…. WHAT?! Yep. Sorry. frowny face.

OUT OF THE FURNACE

Honestly, the trailers for this movie are confusing and the only take away is that Woody Harrelson most likely used UFC Hall of Famer Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell as his character’s inspiration.

Seemingly, the movie is about a shithole town in Western Pennsylvania where Woody Harrelson is a local crime lord who lives in the hills on the outskirts of town where the cops are too scared to go and for the fuck of it he also holds bare-knuckle boxing fights for those who feel so inclined. Coming back from Afghanistan, Casey Affleck doesn’t know what else to do besides fight in those fights for money and for some reason that turns into him being kidnapped or something by Harrelson. Not really sure why, nor do I think it actually matters. What matters is that Christian Bale tries to join Harrelson’s group to look for Affleck… his brother! Which it seems like Harrelson figures out at some point and then Bale gets that rifle you see he’s holding in this poster and uses it to fight Harrelson’s crew of misfits and whatever.

More than anything, the movie seems like it is trying to push a semi-complicated emotional storyline into a movie that is pretty paint-by-numbers. I would keep my expectations SUPER low for this one and you might enjoy a fist fight or a rifle killing or two and walk out happy that I’m guessing the good guy wins.

I’d also like to add that Chuck Liddell is not some toothless hillbilly. He’s from the mid-California suburbs and went to college and got an accounting degree, but had a knack for KOing people. The haircut is unfortunate and head tattoo is certainly unfortunate, but whatevs.

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS

It is pretty clear from the trailers that this will be one of the Coen Brothers less accessible movies, but it could be good despite its lack of focus.

The Coen Brothers are two of the most talented people to ever make a movie, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t swung and missed a few projects… THE LADYKILLERS for one. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that just because these guys make all-time great motherfucking movies like THE BIG LEBOWSKI, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, FARGO, RAISING ARIZONA, and so on and so on… they’ve also served up some forgettables or movies that are for a smaller audience. Deep down they’re still indie directors making movies that sometimes make more sense to them than to everyone else… BARTON FINK for one and A SERIOUS MAN for another. And, I think the trailers suggest that this movie is one of those movies.

I’m guessing the 60’s folk music in this movie will be great for people who love 60’s folk just like O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU was great country music for people who liked country music. As for the movie itself, well, it appears you follow around a sad sack musician as he has a sad sack tour and has sad sack encounters with a litany of side characters who are also musicians played by John Goodman, Carey Mulligan, Justin Timberlake, and Adam Driver to name a few or all of them who knows.

I’m sure this movie is very watchable. The story seems simply and Oscar Isaac is a young talent. I really like everything I’ve seen from Oscar Isaac so far, which is really just his characters in DRIVE and SUCKER PUNCH and I thought he absolutely melted away into Standard in Drive and I thought he was great/excellent in Sucker Punch. I’m guessing he’ll be good and the music will be good and for the few scenes everyone else is in they’ll be good, but overall there won’t be too much happening in this movie to make it truly memorable outside of the music, if you like that type of music.

AMERICAN HUSTLE

IF THIS MOVIE IS BAD THEN I WILL RIOT.

Look at that starting 5 of fucking beautiful faced actors who have all been nominated for or won Academy awards. On top of that, the director is David O. Russell who has worked with 4 of the 5 actors in the two movies mentioned of the poster. Jeremy Renner is the “wild card”, right? Seriously, this movie better fucking kick the shit out of my high expectations.

More or less, the trailers suggest this movie is like BLOW, but better. It looks like a cocaine and booze fueled conman story with Bale and Cooper working together and then against each other as well as their female cohorts in Adams and Lawrence. Meanwhile, Renner is the guy trying to ruin all of their days. It really has no right to be bad. The trailer alone should be nominated for best movie of the year.

I’ve said this time and time again that the goodness of movie relies with the director and in this case we’ve got the mentioned O. Russell. As far as movies go, his greatest miss – to me – is THE FIGHTER and even that wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t terrible as a movie. It was terrible as a boxing movie. It had worse boxing scenes in that movie TEEN WOLF TOO. I can’t believe that Mark Wahlberg told anyone he trained for years to do those scenes because they were fucking awful. The rest of the movie had the good soundtrack and some good intense scenes as Russell usually has in his movies. Russell’s movies always feature a lot of the cast yelling at the other lot of the cast. Which makes sense because he’s supposed to be a crazy yeller himself.

Either way, this movie better be fucking balls amazing. If not, I’ll be pretty sad panda.

THE CRASH REEL

This is arguably the best movie I’ve seen this year.

I haven’t seen THE ACT OF KILLING or BLACKFISH yet, but this documentary is fucking excellent and should win awards for something. The other two documentaries will probably take all the awards because of their subject matters, but don’t let the idea of a snowboarding documentary fool you – this movie is incredible. I know I’m really hyping this up, but it deserves it.

The Crash Reel focuses on a rising talent in the snowboarding world named Kevin Pearce who was a friend/rival of Shaun White. The movie starts with Pearce training for the upcoming Olympics (2010’s) and him suffering a sudden catastrophic brain injury. The rest of the movie lets you into Pearce’s world growing up and his family who are all thoroughly riveting characters in their own right and follows Pearce/family through Pearce’s recovery. It’s not a “spoiler alert” because he has been out publicly a lot and does commentating work and this happened several years ago… Kevin Pearce is alive. Although, that does appear to be very touch and go for awhile in the movie.

The movie is fascinating and incredibly earnest. It also feels scripted when sitting in on these family discussions as they explain to Kevin that him snowboarding again would be a knife to their heart. Then it becomes even more interesting as Pearce sits down with other snowboarders or people in general who have had traumatic brain injuries and how it has affected them.

The storytelling by director Lucy Walker is fantastic. It’s emotional, it’s funny, it’s terrifying, it’s inspiring, and the shifting storylines are seamlessly introduced like peeling away layers of an onion. It’s really well made and a very enjoyable watch.

It’s been available for download for awhile, so check it out.

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

I’ll see this, but I’m not looking forward to it the way I or anyone should.

At this point, it almost feels like a chore sitting through these movies. They just announced this movie is another just shy of 3 hours epic, which is to be expected, but ultimately feels so thoroughly unnecessary.

THE HOBBIT book was not 10,000 pages long. It’s actually not much more than 300 pages. It’s a MOTHERFUCKING KIDS BOOK. And Peter Jackson is turning it into a 9 hour 3 movie cluster fuck of CGI.

I was and am a big fan of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and each one of those books I believe are longer than The Hobbit and, yet, to tell it’s movie story it will take the same amount of time. There was a lot of the first Hobbit movie that could have been cut out and there was a lot of the first Hobbit movie that wasn’t intended for the same audience who was there opening day for the Lord of the Rings movies.

The weird thing about these movies is that they are for kids and yet that’s not really who is seeing them. The Lord of the Rings wasn’t not for kids, but it was certainly for adults who enjoy fantasy and so forth. But the Hobbit is straight up a kids book and the first movie is much more for kids than the Lord of the Rings movies and yet that’s who wants to see it. I’m being repetitive.

I really don’t like the assumption from Peter Jackson that I WANT to sit through 9 hours of The Hobbit. I don’t like the assumption that these movies have to be as long as the Lord of the Rings. I really think that the Hobbit could have been two two hour movies at worst. But that’s not what Jackson wanted. Jackson wanted to make Lord of the Rings TRILOGY the sequel, so he did. These Hobbit movies are filled with scenes that never happen in the book and by far the majority of the third Hobbit movie will be “based on” notes that Tolkein made for a second Hobbit book, which he never wrote. So, it isn’t that Jackson made the movies that needed to be made to tell simply The Hobbit… instead he made the movies that he wanted to make to fill out a second 9 hour waste of my life.

I’ll see it though. The first movie was long winded, but entertaining enough.

SAVING MR. BANKS

I wish Tom Hanks would make movies that I want to see.

I’ll most likely never see this movie. This movie is a kids movie re-imagining of how Walt Disney eventually got the rights for “Mary Poppins”, which is a storyline that I couldn’t give any less of a fuck about.

I’m sure some people will see it. I’m sure not a ton though. But whatever.

So… next?

TYLER PERRY’S A MADEA CHRISTMAS

I will also never see this movie.

I haven’t seen a single Madea or Tyler Perry movie, but from every trailer or clip or review or whatever I’ve seen/read I know I’ve made the right decision. The only Perry movie I was slightly interested in was the one where the girl who cheats dies of AIDS and that movie sounds so fucking terrible yet wrongly hilarious that I could see myself one day watching that, but probably not. The shocked reviews were good enough.

I will say one thing about Madea… why isn’t it like BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE?

Tyler Perry is not funny. I can tell you that first and foremost because I know who is funny – Martin Lawrence. Martin Lawrence is fucking hysterical and Martin Lawrence already made two hilarious movies – the third, not hilarious – with a black man dressed in drag and Perry is not making those movies.

Perry’s movies look thoroughly uncomfortable and are more or less the black equivalent of Bill Engvall.

Generally speaking, high horse Christian morals have no place in comedy and that’s what Tyler Perry’s movies are about. So, have a fun Christmas with that.

Actually, come to think of it, Tyler Perry’s Madea movies are like the Ernest Goes to Jail movies except trying to relay some type of family value none sense. I blame Comedy Central and it having little to no money back in the day for me watching those shitty Ernest movies.

Tomorrow I’ll throw over the next half of the month.

I love you.

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2 Responses to “DECEMBER MOVIE PREVIEWS … part 1 DECEMBER MOVIE PREVIEWS … part 1”

  1. tiffanized said

    I saw the preview for “American Hustle” a couple of days ago and Bradley Cooper had his hair up in perm rods. PERM RODS, can you imagine? Only I don’t have to imagine because I’ve already seen it and it is the reason I will see “American Hustle”. Probably not in the theater though because I’m a sickening combination of lazy and broke. I’ll redbox that shit in a hot minute though.

  2. Time out. That “Temptation” movie ends with the chick dying from AIDS?????? That sounds like an ending my mom would write.

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