WONDER WOMAN IS JEWISH!!!! I’VE GOT A HAFTARAH FOR HER… IN MY PANTS!!!

December 5, 2013

HALFTARAH?! MORE LIKE FULLTARAH!! AM I RIGHT?!

WHADDUP, JEWS AND GENTILES AND GENTLE GENITALS!!!

I legitimately don’t know what I’m talking about right now. I will say that my Hebrew school teachers would be severely disappointed though. Not like I was really paying attention in those classes… anyway.

Let’s put the December movies on hold for un momento until tomorrow. It’s not like they’re gong anywhere! And, let’s discuss the new WONDER WOMAN.

This is GAL GADOT.

In and of itself, Gal Gadot sounds like a super heroine’s name. And yesterday it was announced she will be playing the Amazonian princess known as Wonder Woman in the upcoming BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN movie, which is the sequel to earlier this year’s MAN OF STEEL.

And, yes, Gal is Jewish.

Gal was born and raised in Israel – pronounced YIS-RYE-EL – and beginning the tall and slender vixen she visually appears to be entered into the Miss Israel competition – which exists – and won it when she was 19. She then went onto Miss Universe, where she didn’t place in the top 15. I’ll say this, top 15 in the UNIVERSE has got to be difficult. It’s the UNIVERSE! Also, I’m sure there was some backstage hanky panky from Miss Pluto because we all know they’ll do anything to be popular. Sad really.

ANYWAY… Gal then joined the Israeli military at 20 as one is forced to do over there in Israel. From there, a genius from Maxim magazine went to Israel to do a photoshoot of the hot women in the Israeli army and Gal was prominently featured. If you didn’t know this already, there is definitely a niche in the internet for hot military chicks and some countries like Israel and Switzerland are heavily featured because all young-ins have to be in the military for a couple of years. While the good ole’ USA has plenty of good looking ladies in our volunteer military, their military is mandatory, so every girl you had a crush on in high school will now add to that crush by dressing up in uniform and carry a machine gun.

The spread in Maxim got Gadot famous over here and it started getting her acting jobs, specifically the role as Gisele in FAST AND FURIOUS (the fourth) where she sexed Vin Diesel and then in FAST 5 she sexed Han who died in TOKYO DRIFT (the third), which was OK because it turns out that the 4th, 5th, and 6th movies were prequels to the 3rd movie… and Gisele dies in FAST 6. So, there’s that. I think I may have explained all that ridiculousness in a previous post.

Either way…

^THIS^

is the new…

^THIS^

I’m curious as everyone is I guess as to how they’ll portray Wonder Woman.

Like most female comic book characters, Wonder Woman hasn’t been treated too well over the years with a largely shitty amount of comic books dedicated to her and a litany of writers having her range from a secretary who simply runs fast to a full-fledged super hero.

Personally, I like what they’re doing with Wonder Woman in the new 52.

Wonder Woman is like Xena on steroids and/or Xena is like Wonder Woman minus the super powers.

I really like the storyline of Wonder Woman with this Greek mythological backstory, which has been toyed with in some of the books about her. It’s more or less making Wonder Woman a female Hercules with her being the daughter of Zeus. And that’s how it should be.

The Wonder Woman I like best is the one equipped like she’s a female Spartan from 300. She’s got a shield, spear, sword, she’s still got the indestructible gauntlets on her wrists, and the golden lasso is more like an indestructible lasso than some bullshit truth telling lasso.

As for the invisible plane? Fuck that in its asshole with a hockey stick.

WONDER WOMAN CAN FLY!

Just straight up fly. Wonder Woman looks like a post-op Superman and she should have the powers as such. She’s fast, she’s strong, she can fly, she can absorb an insane amount of damage, and then some. Wonder Woman seemingly was supposed to be the Superman equivalent for the fairer sex, she came about almost 2 decades before Super Girl who is not Super Woman because there is Wonder Woman. Why Wonder? I don’t know. But that’s obviously what they were going for. She’s got the same black hair and everything.

So, Gal…

I like the choice of Gal when compared to the other two that were mentioned as being in the running…

Olga Kurylenko, who you may remember in such bad films like OBLIVION and QUANTUM OF SOLACE.

Or…

Elodie Yung who was in the masterpiece GI JOE: RETALIATION.

Honestly, I like Gal because she’s tall, she was in the military so that’s kind of fun, and she’s Jewish and that’s just amazing.

I think all three of these women kind of share a similar look of being tall and slender with model like cheek bones and will all look great in some Wonder Woman cosplay.

But I’m far from in love with this Wonder Woman casting…

Slender.

SLENDER?!

Slender.

See, that’s just not what I’m necessarily looking for in Wonder Woman.

Did you see how fucking jacked Henry Cavill got to play Superman? It’s insane. The dude had more muscles than anything else. He was all muscle. He could probably flex every inch of his body. He probably could do curls with his nipples. I mean it’s insane.

You wouldn’t have classified him as “slender”, but that’s what all three of these chicks are. And, while it’s pretty commonplace for actors – male actors – to put on large quantities of muscle mass for roles, it’s not commonplace at all for females to do that. Sure plenty of them get in shape, but it’s like they look good-er in yoga pants now – it’s not real athletic prowess like they could manhandle or WOmanhandle anyone. Y’know?!

Without a doubt, the best physical match for Wonder Woman would have been…

Gina Carano.

Without a fucking doubt, Gina Carano.

Gina Carano looks like fucking Wonder Woman.

From the hair to the face to the muscles to the boobs to the footage of her beating people in cages with her fists and feet.

That’s fucking Wonder Woman right there.

Hopefully these pictures are appearing for everyone, if not, simply search Gina Carano you’ll get tons of pictures of her looking sexy and badass and if you search Gina Carano Wonder Woman you’ll find a ton of pictures of people making mock-ups of what Gina would look like as Wonder Woman and guess what it – it looks perfect.

Maybe Gina didn’t get chosen because of the whole she used to date Henry Cavill thing. I don’t know. But it feels like a real missed opportunity.

What’s the only negative about Gina? She’s not as tall as Gal? If that’s it then let me rewind the entire history of movie making and let’s recast basically every male actor because they’re all like 5’5″ dudes who are shot from the floor up and are wearing lifts in their shoes to make them appear even the slightest bit menacing. I legit could carry Tom Cruise in a baby bjorn if he would stop squirming for 5 seconds.

As far as acting ability, Gal wasn’t doing anything groundbreaking in the Fast & Furious movies nor were the other two ladies mentioned in their movies, so I think Gina can get a pass there. None of them have shown any real particular range, but as far as looks and action – Gina beats them all.

I can think of a couple of other chicks that could have fit the Wonder Woman role.

The first being…

Gemma Arterton.

She’s British and she’s appeared in some garbage action movies recently, but she’s done some decent dramatic work as well. She’s definitely thicker in every conceivably phenomenal way possible than Gal, which is what the role needs. She’s not a waif, stick figure model.

Also, I think Wonder Woman needs to have a strong jaw, chin. And Gemma and Gina have that as well.

And yeah, Gemma’s got boobs, which Wonder Woman has as well.

Another choice I have for Wonder Woman would require a time machine and so forth and thankfully I have one of those in my brain…

Demi Moore in STRIPTEASE.

She would’ve been great for Wonder Woman!

Between her getting in shape for GI JANE and Striptease, Demi Moore looked like a fucking athlete in the mid-90’s … an athlete with big fake breasts, but an athlete nonetheless.

I remember Demi doing sexy dances and stripping down to bikinis on pretty much every late night talk show in the lead up to Striptease and she said she needed to get into this shape because that’s the shape you need to be in to be a stripper. Uhhhhh… what?

I don’t know what strip clubs Demi was going to, but I’ve been to some strip clubs and being “in shape” is not a priority. Flexible moral compass is more of a priority than being “in shape”. I don’t know if I’ve ever been to a strip club where a dancer has abs you could break a 2×4 over like Demi has in the movie Striptease. I mean her body is akin to an Olympic hurdler more so than a stripper.

Either way, she would’ve looked good as Wonder Woman.

Well, anyway…

I have faith in Zack Snyder in what he’s doing. I liked MAN OF STEEL quite a bit and I’m expecting to like this next movie even more.

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