Let me be the first to say, MERRY CHRISTMAS and here are some more December Movie Previews as your gift

December 6, 2013

Whaddup!

I would like to start this post off by assuming I’m the first to say Merry Christmas to you, but I’m guessing you’ve been told Happy Holidays – the religious war equivalent to Merry Christmas – like a bajillion times by Target and Walmart and that drunk cat lady down the street because we can’t even wait until Christmas time to start rolling this shit out. It gets earlier and earlier every year that Christmas decorations are spotted at Macys and in a few years it’s going to be Happy Valentine’s Day from Santa! Which is creepy.

Anyway… what the fuck am I even babbling about?!

Hey, what’s the deal with airplane food?!

Also, Coco – the pitbull – just farted audibly, looked right at me, and started wagging her tail. Yep. That’s what’s going on in the new house. Coco thoroughly acknowledging herself audibly passing gas and wagging her tail about it.

What else?

What else?

There are the December movie previews of course! Silly boots!

ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES

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THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER.

Or at least I hope so. I do expect this to be wonderful and amazing and the trailers make me believe as such as well. Seriously, all the Megan Goode stuff looks hilarious. I can’t wait for this movie. I remember seeing the original when I was doing my internship in LA and I sat in a big soldout AMC gargantuan theater in Burbank and pretty much no one laughed at laughing. Well, no one besides me. I couldn’t stop laughing. I had people turning around and looking at me. I went with a friend and my roommate (not my friend). The friend had gotten really high before we went there and was simply too stoned to laugh or too stoned to focus on what was being said. The roommate had terrible taste in movies and didn’t like it.

There were only a couple parts of the movie people really laughed at like the cartoon section about Ron and Veronica having sex and when Jack Black punted Baxter off the bridge. For the most part, the dialogue got little to no laughs from the audience. I was crying from laughter.

I don’t know why some comedies don’t get what they deserve immediately, but do later on but whatevs. I remember sitting in a theater with one other person when MacGruber came out and that’s it and that movie is hilarious. Anyway, the original became an enormous hit when it went to DVD and so forth and now here’s the much anticipated sequel we’ll all laugh so hard at we’ll jizz in our pants.

HER

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I love Spike Jonze, Joaquin Phoenix, and the idea of a sexy lady voice whispering sweet nothings to me all the live long day. I think Scarlett Johansson’s voice was a great choice for this movie because it’s breathy, it can be smoky/deep like all talk is pillow talk, and it’s a recognizable voice for the people who would be interested in seeing this movie and she’s a sex symbol and blah blah blah. So, that all works. I like Spike Jonze getting back to making whackadoo dark rom-coms because that’s where his strengths lie. And, Joaquin is a subversive talent. He’s a weirdo “bad boy” who can play any part. He’s easily one of the most versatile actors of his generation and I think in general. And, he’s getting cast in better movies where he can really put out memorable performances.

Really looking forward to this.

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS

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This should have been titled TALKING WITH DINOSAURS.

They were SO CLOSE. They were off by only one letter. If they just switch the letter from a W to a T then the title makes 900% more sense with the stupid movie that’s attached. This is pretty much the movie ICE AGE, but with whatever studio is making this spending even more money to try and make the dinosaurs look REAL when they’re being thoroughly UNreal by talking to each other like a bunch of idiots.

I get that this is for kids, but they should have just made a movie about dinosaurs interacting without them talking like some sitcom actor and I may have one day watched this.

47 RONIN

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Did you think that December would only have one movie featuring a guy with a sword fighting a dragon? You were wrong!

Keanu Reeves rightly watched LORD OF THE RINGS at some point and said to himself, “I could do that.” And HE DID. And he set it in Japan. So, Keanu – dressed as a samurai of course – is going to embark on an adventure of sorcery and swordplay in this CGI clusterfuck. It should be great, right? Meh. I mean I bet I’ll see this at some point. I did see that terrible samurai western with Kate Bosworth called THE WARRIOR’S WAY, which was terrible as mentioned and a lot bloodier than I could have ever expected, so I really could watch just about any movie featuring someone with a sword fighting someone else with or without a sword.

Plus, Keanu? I mean why not with Keanu? I’ve seen so many of his movies already, why stop now?!

AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY

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Meh.

Family drama. Sweet. As if I enjoyed fighting with my own family so much, it’s time to watch a fictional family of famous actors fight. I’m not so sure I’ll see this, but I bet Meryl Streep gets nominated for an Oscar for it. Meryl has gotten bowl movements nominated for Golden Globes at this point, so why not? Did anyone even see THE IRON LADY? If you say you did, you’re lying. I don’t know why you would lie about such a thing, but you are and it’s weird.

Also, I can’t really pretend to relate about this shit. I’ve seen the commercials and maybe this would be relatable if my family didn’t already agree on politics for the most part or if we really felt the need to talk about politics in general or if we had some bratty kids that said bratty shit that our grandmother didn’t understand.

First, all my grandparents are dead at this point. Second, family arguments almost always stem from needing to teach my parents how to do something with the computer. Usually it’s the same thing they’ve been taught a million times and they refuse to remember it. Outside of that, my sister and my parents have fights on their own time when I’m not around. And, Danielle and I have fights about miscommunication and not whether Democrats or Republicans are evil.

So, if you want to make a movie where a taller Zach Galifianakis teaches Meryl Streep and a Jewish James Gandolfini how to use their scanner and attach documents to emails, while Gandolfini’s girlfriend Lauren Ambrose is mad because he thought her sarcasm was serious and she just loves him so much that he would think that and then show me that movie – I mean I’ll probably shoot myself in the fucking head with a gun, but I mean that would make more sense to me than this bullshit August movie.

GRUDGE MATCH

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Sylvester Stallone has made so many movies and so much money he can literally make whatever movie he feels like making… and well has been able to do that for like 20+ years.

In some ways, I think Stallone is a genius. In other ways, I hate that genius because he’s right. Some idiots will see this movie. They’ll see it, he’ll sell it to some TV station in the end, people will rent it on Netflix, and the studio will make its money back, maybe turn a profit, or not lose too much money because the movie probably cost nothing to make and took 36 days to shoot.

This movie was announced, cast, shot, edited, and is coming out all in less than a year. It’s a piece of shit movie I’m betting and at least it gave an excuse for some grips to get paid or whatever. Fart.

JUSTIN BIEBER’S BELIEVE

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If this movie shows even 10 seconds of Justin Bieber soliciting or at the very least talking to the Brazilian prostitute who videotaped him sleeping and then posted it to her Twitter then I’ll watch this movie. Outside of that… yeah, I can’t really imagine watching this Usher molested, pop star singing on stage for 90 minutes.

LONE SURVIVOR

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I had yet to hear about this movie until this very second, which means this movie will be even more garbage than I would have previously anticipated from a Mark Wahlberg movie. There’s absolutely no way this movie is good. Do you remember THE SHOOTER? That movie SUCKED and that movie was supposed to be a fun action movie about Mark Wahlberg having a sniping duel with … yes… Danny Glover… yes… and occasional shots of Kate Mara in a bra back before she got anorexic. That seems like a good time, but it wasn’t … so how in the hell is this going to be any good?

Also, the fact that this movie exists makes a little more sense about why Wahlberg was flipping out a week or so ago about the military being more important than actors. YEP. I have no idea how that was prompted or why anyone would think otherwise, but Wahlberg took the hardline opinion that his bullshit acting career means less to America than the soldiers over in Afghanistan and Iraq. So, Wahlberg knows at least that much.

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY

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I think Ben Stiller is a thoroughly underrated director and I’m so happy he’s back to directing. It may be more that he doesn’t direct THAT often, but all of his directorial efforts are phenomenal: REALITY BITES, CABLE GUY, ZOOLANDER, TROPIC THUNDER. The trailers for this look amazing. It looks beautiful and Adam Scott’s beard looks heroic. I really can’t wait to see this and am expecting this to be one of the best movies of the year by a long shot.

I bet it’s too much, but I would be thoroughly happy if Ben Stiller just became a full time director. He’s been great in his own movies and he gets great performances out other people. I’m not the biggest fan of Robert Downey Jr and he is fucking transcendent in Tropic Thunder.

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

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Well…

Generally speaking, if you’ve talked to me for more than 30 hours of life time than you would know I don’t like Martin Scorsese. I think his movies are not only overrated, but most of them are straight up bad movies. I just don’t understand why he’s so well-liked and I really can’t imagine people sitting and watching his movies and enjoying them. RAGING BULL is fucking boring. GANGS OF NEW YORK has an atrocious ending, Cameron Diaz’s character has NO POINT in the movie, and overall it’s just an un-enjoyable movie. THE DEPARTED? There is no reason to root for Leonardo in that movie nor for you to ever understand why Jack Nicholson likes him… oh yeah and Matt Damon’s wife or girlfriend or whatever has no point in the movie either and the ending is stupid. And the dialogue in The Departed sounds like it was written by The Jerky Boys. THE JERKY BOYS! Ugh… the ending of TAXI DRIVER is a cop out and blah blah blah.

This movie… is 3 hours long. Or close to it. Do you want to sit through a 3 hour movie that appears to have wrapped up everything in the 2 minute trailer? Do you know how boring this movie must be? I don’t know. I can’t imagine sitting through Scorcese’s 20 years too late rip off of BOILER ROOM for 3 hours. I could barely imagine watching this WALL STREET 2: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS unsolicited reboot for 90 minutes.

The only thing good about this movie is the gif of Leo popping and locking and the rest makes me want to throw myself off a cliff.

Maybe I’m wrong… there is so much win in this gif.

Ethan Suplee looking a like a mustached goon in the back ground.

How cocaine amazing Shane from The Walking Dead looks.

I don’t know… there’s the cute blonde Margot Robbie that Will Smith is apparently sleeping with nowadays in the movie. I’m sure she’ll play a thoroughly inconsequential role to the actual plot like most of Scorcese’s female characters.

Gangs of New York could’ve been a “good” movie if you remove the techno from the beginning fight scene, cut out Cameron Diaz entirely because her character has no influence on the plot whatsoever, and make the final fight scene a long drag out knife between Leo and Daniel Day Lewis like Roddy Piper and Keith David’s THEY LIVE! and it would have been a solid flick.

Merry Christmas.

Have a great weekend.

I love you.

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