What the EFF are we listening to? Britney Spears “Perfume” edition

December 10, 2013

Hello, my pets and pet-tetes or pet-tesses!

You can safely “ass”ume that today we will discuss the “Princess of Pop” Britney Spears’ new jawn PERFUME.

Do we call the “Princess of Pop”? Is she the “Pop Princess”? I know that Michael Jackson was the “King of Pop” and Madonna was the “Queen of Pop”, so Britney Spears could easily be their frightening off-spring. And by frightening, I don’t mean that Spears herself is “frightening” and more so am referring to the vaginal intercourse act between Madonna and Michael Jackson to create Britney Spears is frightening.

I guess we can hope that Britney was a pop test tube baby, right? Artificial insemination pop child. That would be less frightening.

And, being a baby of cold and distant and unemotional science might explain why Britney has all these intimacy issues. You know? If you think about it. Being pop created in some pop lab and going through pop gestation in a pop petri dish. That’s how test tube baby’s are born, right? They just throw an egg or two down in a shallow bowl then shoot some jizz on it and let that simmer for about 9 months and there’s a baby eventually? And that’s the story of Britney Spears…

Now, that that is settled…

Britney Spears is 32, mother of 2, been in the game for two decades, and fuckable as ever.

While a grade A sex symbol for pretty much my entire career as a masturbator, Britney has had issues – many – with men and, apparently, Britney has not learned her lesson because her newest jingle is about dealing with another wandering dick in her life.

OR… is it she who has the wandering puss-say? That was _dharv’s original interpretation of the song.

Either way, “Perfume” is teaching a horrendous lesson to girls everywhere and men as well. So, it’s teaching everyone a terrible lesson. Because you’re either a boy or a girl, and if you’re both then you’re not learning anything good either. So, just to be clear, Britney Spears is hurting everyone with this song. EVERYONE!

It’s kind of catchy though. I mean most of these pop songs are. The first time I heard “Wrecking Ball” I hated it and, now, I’m 99% sure I’d sing it at karaoke. Not that I go to karaoke, but I guess whenever I’m in my car I’ll sing it like I sing Lady Gaga’s “Applause” or Afrojack’s “I want you to take over control”, which are my jams.

Anyway… here are the lyrics to this song that is pro-cheating on your significant other…

Do I imagine it, or do I see your stare?
Is there still longing there?
Oh I hate myself, and I feel crazy
Such a classic tale

Well, there’s always going to be longing. I mean I stuff myself with dinner and I still LONG for dessert. We’re never truly satiated, but I get that she’s seeing extra longing like she’s not enough. And, that line of thinking in and of itself is a blaming the victim mentality. Unless, Britney has gone abstinent to become a second time virgin or something. I mean I don’t know what’s happening in their bedroom. Is Britney not slanging her thang around enough? Is she slanging it and he’s not into it? Because that’s some crazy shit. If Britney was slanging it around like a healthy woman in a healthy relationship should then this is not her fault.

Let’s also throw it out there that Britney Spears could be totally crazy and this guy isn’t cheating. That’s a very real possibility. I’m a Britney Spears fan, but it’s not because of her rational thought.

And, it’s totally a real possibility that she knows a cheater when she sees one because she’s dealt with some shady ass men in her life.

Either way, the girl is at home and she’s bugging da’ fuck out. Not a good start…

Current girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, I’m trying to be cool
Am I being paranoid? Am I seeing things? Am I just insecure?

So, there’s a specific chick that she thinks her man is diddling with his peener and it’s the girl he was diddling with his peener. I’d say there’s a 90% chance he’s banging his ex-girlfriend if he’s still in contact with her. I’ve known a few people who are friends with their ex, but not many. Usually that is trouble. That’s a one way trip to troubs town, you know?! Anyway, there’s still a chance Britney’s crazy and his ex lives in Wyoming and no one really knows anyone who live in Wyoming, it’s a place that solely exists for crazy recluses.

I want to believe
It’s just you and me
Sometimes it feels like there’s three of us in here, baby

That’s what she said!

She’s being metaphorical, but if she doesn’t know whether or not there are 3 people in a relationship then that’s some “Fight Club” ish.

So I wait for you to call
And I try to act natural
Have you been thinking ’bout her or about me?
And while I wait I put on my perfume,
Yeah, I want it all over you
I’m gonna mark my territory

Uhhhhh… you what?

You put on your perfume? While, he’s out possibly banging another broad (or man broad), you’re just washing yourself down with Chanel No. 5? And, you’re doing this, so that he will smell of your perfume when he’s out sticking his dill pickle into other chick’s sesame seed buns?

That is a TERRIBLE idea.

First, waste of perfume. Perfume is expensive. And, a $100 some odd bottle should last you awhile.

Second, it’s probably cancer inducing huffing all that perfume.

Third, it’s not a solution at all for curbing a cheating man.

Fourth, if you want to “mark” your territory then truly mark it and spray the man with your piss.

That’s right. Piss on the dude! He’s fucking cheating on you. Fucking piss on him. Piss on him and tell him, “That’s what you get, dickhead” or “this is me marking you, you fucking dickhead idiot” and then fucking piss all over him.

I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can’t tell but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can’t tell but I hope she smells my perfume

And by perfume, Britney Spears should mean her piss.

BRIT PISS ALL UP IN YO FACE! ALL UP IN YO FACE, SON! FUCKING BURNS, DON’T IT! WOOOOO!!! HOW’S THAT PISS IN YOUR EYE?! STINGS GOOD, RIGHT?!

Maybe when he’s out fucking around on you, Britney, you should be grilling up some asparagus with some lemon pepper zest and work on your vaginal aim, so when he walks through the door you shoot a braided stream of golden stank urine into his retina. FUCKING TAKE THAT, YOU FUCK!

Because spritzing yourself with a floral perfume you picked up the other day from Macys AIN’T GONNA DO SHIT.

I wanna fill the room when she’s in it with you
Please don’t forget me
Do I imagine it, or catch these moments?
I know you got history

Man, fuck that bitch. And by bitch, I mean the ROYAL BITCH as in the bitch you’re dating who is cheating on you and the bitch he’s cheating on you with.

Oh, you don’t want him to forget you? Guess who never gets forgotten, the girlfriend who pisses in her man’s face for cheating on her! That’s who never gets forgotten. He’ll never forget that. He’ll wish he could forget you using your vag as a super soaker and pot shotting him in his ocular cavities with your piss. He’ll totally forget you if you’re just spraying perfume on yourself while he’s out blowing loads in some skank ho. FUCK THIS DUDE! Fucking piss on him already! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR! PISS ON HIM!

Seriously, are we even pretending that Britney Spears in not capable of pissing… literally pee out of her puss… on a guy? Do you remember her shaving her head and attacking K-Fed’s care with an umbrella? That was a great moment. I like the intensity and I like the commitment, but the gameplan was weak balls. Piss is the new gameplan. Piss is the winner’s gameplan.

But I’m your girlfriend, now I’m your girlfriend trying to be cool
I hope I’m paranoid, that I’m just seeing things, that I’m just insecure

Honestly, you should find out if he’s really cheating on you before you piss on him.

That’s going to be difficult to justify or recover from if you wrongly piss on a non-cheater. I mean who knows what’s actually going on. He’s going out to lunch with his ex-girlfriend? Maybe she’s in trouble and needs some advice or maybe she works at a lucrative law firm and she can get her ex-boyfriend a job because she’s a modern woman who isn’t still invested in her ex at all or maybe your boyfriend is actually conning the shit out of his ex to only fucking ruin her life even more because that’s how your bf rolls. He’s got issues with grudges and he’s not satisfied with his ex having a happy life. I don’t know.

Maybe your boyfriend has an evil twin and you know nothing about it because it’s a family secret and you’re only going to find out about it once you’re married. Who knows anymore?!

I want to believe
It’s just you and me
Sometimes it feels like there’s three of us in here, baby

Whatever.

Maybe you should make it four. Add another dude into the mix. I don’t know. Do you.

So I, wait for you to call
And I try to act natural
Have you been thinking ’bout her or about me?
And while I wait I put on my perfume,
Yeah, I want it all over you
I’m gonna mark my territory

It’s just a terrible terrible message to girls and boys alike.

Let’s say this is a heterosexual relationship as the song says, but this really works for anyone, but we’ll stick to that with the girl being the one cheated on…

For girls, it’s teaching chicks that getting cheated on isn’t that big of a deal.

Seriously?! That’s not a good message. You’ve got a guy cheating on you and you’re only means of solving it is to spray yourself with perfume, so that when he continues to cheat on you that the other girl might notice the smell of your perfume while your boyfriend is balls deep in her. That’s not a fucking solution. That’s fucking stupid.

Instead, break up with the dude or piss on him or piss on him and break up with him or tell one of your platonic guy friends who would absolutely love to get balls deep in you and he’ll go beat your boyfriend up with a baseball bat or something. There are limitless options. Go find the chick he’s cheating on you with and set fire to her car. I don’t know. Use your imagination. Make sure that whatever you do, you hurt your boyfriend in some way. He’s the real issue. You can attack the other girl too for good measure, but don’t let him get away without you scarring him physically, mentally, or both. You know? Just have fun with it.

For boys, it’s teaching dudes it’s OK to cheat because that’s what guys do and nothing happens to cheaters even if you’re caught.

Hey dudes, don’t cheat.

So I, wait for you to call
And I try to act natural
Have you been thinking ’bout her or about me?
And while I wait I put on my perfume,
Yeah, I want it all over you
I’m gonna mark my territory

Get a 32ounce Slurpee, drink it down, piss on him.

Also, I guess you don’t have to piss on him. I guess you could just drink the 32 ounce beverage of choice, pee it back into the cup, and then wait for him to get home and throw it on him. I’d suggest keeping it on the stove a low until he shows up, so that it still has that hotness that it has when exiting your peehole.

I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can’t tell but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can’t tell but I hope she smells my perfume

Perfume is piss or nothing at all.

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