The GOLDEN GLOBES sound like an award given for BEST TITS or for BEST SNOWGLOBES

December 12, 2013

HELLO WORLD! … and/or the 5 people who read this blog still including/possibly my mom!

It’s GOLDEN GLOBES time again and you know what that means?!!??!?!?!?!?

RED CARPET BOOBERS!!!!!

WOOOOOOO!!!

ACTUALLY… It’s just the nominations, wanh wanh.

I have no idea when the Golden Globes airs, so I’m guessing in like 1 month to possibly less than a year from now, I’ll have red carpet pictures to talk about and leer at and get creepy with concerning the Golden Globes, but until then…

Let’s discuss these nominations, and by that I mean let me be disgusted at these nominations and tell you that I don’t watch any of these TV shows nor have I seen any of these movies.

I haven’t looked at the awards themselves, so it’s going to be a “shock” to me when I read them. Although, you won’t be reading it in real time as i type it, but know that I’m reading the nomination then writing my thought all in the span of my legitimate shock/disapproval.

Well, there is a chance that I’ll like some of these nomination, but my approval for any of these nominations is completely tarnished by how stupid I think these awards shows are. Like I don’t even think the All-Star or All-Pro team is necessary at all in sports because you know whether or not a dude is playing well. You don’t need a ballot or some such to explain that. Lebron James is KILLING IT and has been KILLING IT in the NBA since he first stepped onto the courts and a stupid ass All-Star appointment doesn’t validate how much he’s killing it. It’s just tradition and bullshit and why am I even talking about this!?!?!?!?!

AHHHHHH!!!!!… Ok… I’m better.

Whew.

Nominations?!

I’ll mention the most popular ones, so best actor/actress for movies & TV, best movie/TV, best supporting for both, and … FUCK … there are drama and comedy?! FUCK YOU, GOLDEN GLOBES!!!! Ok… let’s get to work.

MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!!?!!???????!!!!!!!

BEST ACTOR – Drama

Chiwetel Ejiofor, Matthew McConaughey, Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Idris Elba…

I saw none of these. NONE! Not a single fucking one. Seriously? And, I’m kind of in no rush to see any of them. 12 YEARS A SLAVE seemed like something I would want to see, but after reading the reviews that it’s kind of like historical torture porn – I’m not that hyped about watching it. As for DALLAS BUYERS CLUB, I would like to see that at some point, but I have other movies that are in my queue I’m more interested about seeing first. I don’t care about CAPTAIN PHILLIPS, ALL IS LOST, or the Mandela aka Mandiba movie.

I don’t give a fuck who wins.

Also, Mandiba? I’m 30 fucking years old and I’ve never heard a GOT-DAM person ever refer to Mandela as Mandiba ever. Now that he’s dead, everyone on Earth is pretending they were calling him Mandiba this whole time. It’s bullshit and I don’t believe it. I think this is all a sham that people called him Mandiba as much as the deaf translator was a sham at Mandiba’s service. Nevertheless, I’m calling everyone Mandiba from now on.

BEST ACTRESS – Drama

Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock, Emma Thompson, Judi Dench, Kate Winslett…

I saw GRAVITY and I motherfucking loved it. I do want to see BLUE JASMINE and I do want to see the DAME in PHILOMENA, but I can do without seeing Emma in the Disney movie or Kate in whatever movie she was nominated for. Labor Day? I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of it.

I guess I’m leaning toward Sandra because I like her and I loved that movie and I thought she was great in it. At the same time, I thought/think BLINDSIDE was a racist shitty movie and didn’t think Sandra should have won something let alone everything for it, so she’s already got her awards… Meh… I think all of those women have been nominated before and possibly all won. I don’t know, whatever.

BEST ACTOR – Comedy et cetera

Bruce Dern, Leonardo DiCaprio, Christian Bale, Oscar Isaac, Joapuin Phoenix…

I haven’t seen any of these movies either. Only Bruce Dern’s movie NEBRASKA is even theaters as far as I know and that’s still a limited release. So, what the ever loving eff. I like all these actors a shit ton, but whatever.

This is so stupid. A bunch of movies no one has seen are getting nominated. Wait a second?! Do you possibly think that the Golden Globes is an elaborate stunt to get people to go see movies they wouldn’t normally go see because some arbitrary group of people gave it a golden statue?! DO YOU THINK THAT?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

BEST ACTRESS – Comedy et cetera

Meryl Streep, Julia Louis Dreyfuss, Amy Adams, Julie Delpy, Greta Gerwig…

For fuck’s sake. A MOVIE I’VE SEEN?!?!?!?!?!?

I was going to say that I thought the best actress drama category was good looking, but they really got even more fuckable in the comedy section. Sex and laughs, isn’t that what it’s all about, am I right?

Ok… how about something I’ve seen you fucks!!

Update from my end of things, I’m totally not going to do the best SUPPORTING actor and actresses because that is simply too much and even my Mom isn’t going to sit through me talking about all that.

Instead, I will glance at the supporting nominations and sum them all up in the next section.

SUPPORTING MALES AND FEMALES OF EVERYTHING…

Are you fucking kidding me, someone from RUSH got nominated?! And, J-Law got nominated, which means we’ll get to see her heavenly “golden globes” again at the Golden Globes. God bless us.

And… the last two movie awards…

BEST DRAMA

12 Years a Slave, Gravity, Captain Phillips, Rush, Philomena

Fuck you, Golden Globes. Aren’t these the same fucking asshats who nominated The Tourist for every award. FUCK YOU!!!!

BEST COMEDY WHATEVER

Nebraska, American Hustle, The Wolf on Wall Street, Inside Llewyn Davis, Her

So, the best actor movies? Fair enough. I want to see all these movies minus the Wolf one because Scorsese is overrated and that movie is going to be a bloated 3 hours of nonsense. Haven’t seen any of them, so who the fuck knows, right? Ugh.

TELEVISION-NAY!!!!!

BEST ACTOR – Drama

Bryan Cranston, Michael Sheen, Kevin Spacey, James Spader, Liev Schrieber

Well, I did watch HOUSE OF CARDS and Spacey is quite good in it, but I’m still giving it to Cranston for being the lead actor on arguably the GREATEST TELEVISION SHOW EVER. I haven’t watched the other 3 shows because I think they all look stupid. Pretty good reason to not watch something I feel.

BEST ACTOR – Comedy

Jason Bateman, Don Cheadle, Michael J. Fox, Jim Parsons, Andy Samberg

Uhhhhh… Samberg? Hahahahah. I do like that TV show, but Samberg is possibly the 5th funniest person on that show and that might be being generous. I’d give the award without a doubt to Bateman. I hated the two episodes I saw of House of Lies. Big Bang Theory has been like 1000 episodes of the same episode and I haven’t see the Michael J. Fox show, but I’m comfortable in saying that even the much maligned Netflix season of AD was funnier than all of them.

BEST ACTRESS – Drama

Julianna Margulies, Kerry Washington, Tatiana Maslany, Robin Wright, Taylor Schilling

Orange is the New Black is a drama? If American Hustle the movie is a comedy then Orange is the New Black is definitely a comedy. Taylor has cried in a few episodes, but that show is 9000% a comedy with a little bit of drama in there. An episode ended with a chick peeing in front of another chick right on the floor. That kind of sounds horrific, but it was hilarious. Anyway…

I think Robin Wright is sexy as hell on House of Cards and I think Taylor is good, but I don’t really think either of them carry their shows or deserve a “dramatic” award. I haven’t seen an episode of the other 3 shows listed, but I’m for giving it to Kerry Washington because that show sounds like trash and if anyone is making it watchable then it’s Kerry Washington.

BEST ACTRESS – Comedy

Zooey Deschanel, Lena Dunham, Julia Louis-Dreyfuss, Amy Poehler, Edie Falco…

JULIA MOTHERFUCKING LOUIS MOTHEFUCKING DREYFUSS, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

No one watches Zooey for Zooey, she’s barely in the commercials for the show. GIRLS isn’t funny. I’ve never met anyone who watches Nurse Jackie and neither have you. And, I feel bad for Amy Poehler because no one is doing a better job than Julia at anything their doing on TV. While Amy is great and Parks and Rec is wonderful, Julie is fucking KILLING IT like she’s Lebron James shooting 50% from the field on her way to her 3rd NBA Championship in a row on VEEP.

So, I’m going to do the same thing I did before with SUPPORTING and just glance at that shit and report. Ok? Here we go…

Good for the guy on House of Cards who got nominated. Rob Lowe got nominated for “Behind the Candelabra”, but not for “Parks and Rec”? The show “Parenthood” is still on? And, I’m confused, Hayden Panettiere is a “supporting” actress on “Nashville”? Isn’t she the main character? I’ve seen or had about 3 episodes of “Nashville” on in the background and from what I gather it is pretty much twisted love child of “Glee” and “The Young & the Restless” with Southern accents. It’s either country music being played or people making out or both. If that’s what you want in a TV show then it’s perfect for that.

FINALLY!!!!

BEST DRAMA

Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey, House of Cards, Masters of Sex, The Good Wife

Well, if Breaking Bad doesn’t win then everyone should be executed. Breaking Bad should win this award against actually worthy opponents let alone these shows.

BEST COMEDY

The Big Bang Theory, Modern Family, Girls, Brooklyn 99, Parks and Rec

Parks and Rec is the only one of these shows that legitimately makes me laugh consistently. Modern Family can be hit or miss with the laughs, but is a well-made show. Same goes for Brooklyn 99 who thoroughly is a random choice for best comedy. Girls isn’t funny and The Big Bang Theory isn’t either, so I’m not sure what they’re doing up there.

I can think of at least 10 shows that should be nominated over Brooklyn 99/Girls/The Big Bang Theory, and most likely Modern Family as well.

In no particular order…

VEEP for one. ARCHER for two. ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT for three. KEY & PEELE for four. Stephen Merchant’s HELLO LADIES is a better show than most of those mentioned for five. IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA makes me laugh as much if not more than Modern Family for six. THE LEAGUE should be nominated for best show of all-time for its one episode this season which focused on Jason Mantsoukas and Seth Rogen for seven. HAPPY ENDINGS for eight. COMMUNITY for nine. And… fucking… EASTBOUND & DOWN for 10.

That wasn’t even difficult to come up with. I could think of a bunch more too.

COMEDY BANG BANG

BOB’S BURGERS

CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL

SUBURGATORY… that show is good and is fucking genius compared to some of that crap nominated.

What the fuck. Whatever.

Wake me when the cleavage hits the red carpet.

 

One Response to “The GOLDEN GLOBES sound like an award given for BEST TITS or for BEST SNOWGLOBES”

  1. Mary said

    Thanks for the mention and I do still read.

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