The year that was supposed to never happen is almost over, so what movies did I see? 1 of 2

December 16, 2013


How are you?! Did you survive the snow? Did you have snow? You must’ve had some snow! RIGHT!


I only went outside to take Coco for walks and that was plenty. Oh yeah, and some shoveling, but not too much shoveling because my Hispanic neighbors have decided to snowblow – hey oh! – our driveway and our sidewalk and our walk to our house for whatever reason. They’re also shoveling/snowblowing in the back of the house too. I’m certainly not going to complain, but it’s funny how weirded out I am by it and Danielle is and everyone I tell because you honestly cannot trust people being friendly. It’s weird, but you can’t because Lord knows I’m not buying a snowblower to snowblow their front walkway, so why would they do it for me? You know… Also, they just do it and don’t tell us they’re going to do it and all of a sudden there’s someone in our backyard with a shovel … kind of concerning.

Anyway… remember when the end of the world was in December 2012? Remember when that didn’t happen?

Well, it felt like it was the end of the world when I was sitting in a theater watching OBLIVION because it was fucking HORRENDOUS.

I’m going to look back at what movies I saw this year – chronological order of them coming out – and say something quick about them.

GANGSTER SQUAD – I didn’t see all of this, but I caught a good chunk of it on TV including the end of it and it was … TERRIBLE. I am quite happy I didn’t go see this in theaters or watch the first 40 minutes of it. OOF! The final shootout which is supposed to be a complete ripoff of the train station scene in THE UNTOUCHABLES is at best a complete ripoff of the train station scene in THE UNTOUCHABLES and at worst is a completely pointless action scene which spreads baby feces all over the great train station shootout scene in THE UNTOUCHABLES. And the end fist fight between Josh Brolin and Sean Penn was just stupid. I don’t know the history of how Mickey Cohen was caught, but if he wasn’t caught following a fist fight in the rain with an LA detective then that was a stupid fucking scene.

If you haven’t seen LA CONFIDENTIAL then go see it because it is one of the best movies ever made, hands down. If you have seen it, see it again and again and again. And, if you want to see Gangster Squad because you want to see Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone… well… guess what… LA CONFIDENTIAL has Kim Basinger looking like the most attractive human being ever and she’s paired with a young Russell Crowe and a young Guy Pearce who are quite handsome fellows.

WARM BODIES – Sucked. Read about it here.

STOKER – I didn’t “watch” this as much as I skimmed it. I love the director Chan Wook Park, but this didn’t look like something that was worth spending the time on or at least having high hopes for. The climax, literally, is Mia Wasikowska masturbating in the shower after her and her uncle bury someone in the middle of the night in the rain in a muddy grave – Nicole Kidman? – and she’s masturbating all muddy in the shower about her uncle. So that’s that movie. Park’s previous Korean movies are a million times better.


If you isolate certain scenes from that movie then there are some funny skits or funny ideas, but all in all that movie was flimsy and more mindless than the characters are supposed to be in it and yet no where near as interesting or risk taking as it should’ve been.

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES – Hmmmm… I can’t find my review for it, but it was pretty good. The movie is cut up in thirds and the 1/3 is amazing. The 2/3 is ok. The 3/3 is laughable and terrible. So, if you do the math on it, the movie is ok to pretty good. What really sours the movie is that it gets worse the longer it’s on, which is never what you want from a movie, but the first third of the movie with Ryan Gosling is a great movie unto itself. Kind of wished the director Cianfrance just ended the movie when Gosling exits.

TO THE WONDER – Terrence Malick’s epic movie about not much. I really don’t know what is going on with the weirdo genius Malick recently, but TREE OF LIFE and this movie are more or less unwatchable. Both movies are more art installation than film/movie. I didn’t even finish this movie actually now that I think of it. I think I missed the last 20 minutes or so. It’s pretty much a feature length film of close-ups of Olga Kurylenko’s face as she plays the most beautiful mime you’ve ever seen. Not a literal mime, but she rarely talks and she does a lot of physical acting. Almost the entire movie is done in voiceover or just silence. It’s not a movie you should just watch, it’s only a movie to see if you’re trying to prove something by seeing it – like seeing every Malick movie or every random movie Ben Affleck is in or because you need to see every artsy movie that comes out.


MUD – Easily, one of the best movies of the year. I did review this at some point, but I can’t find it. It was wonderful. A great movie from beginning to end… minus how much it makes women look like complete bitches. Jeez, all the women in this movie are the biggest insufferable bitches and there are only like 3 chicks in the movie. Sadly, you ladies are probably used to this portrayal by now. Besides that, great performances by everyone involved including/especially the two kids who are the main characters. They’re really great.

FAST & FURIOUS 6 – Not as good as FAST 5, but very fun and I can’t wait until it is on HBO regularly because I will rewatch the shit out of this movie.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING – Uhhhh… I watched the opening scene, stopped it, and deleted it. Yeah, I’m not interested in watching Joss Whedon handicam film his friends – who are famous actors – perform Shakespeare for 90 minutes in modern day times. If you are into it then have fun. I would have rather scene this done really bare bones as almost a table-read with them with scripts in their hands and in street clothes running through this from beginning to end with line direction from Whedon and they’re on a stage or in a park or something.

THIS IS THE END – I thought this was really funny. Especially, the first half hour. The end with the CGI was whatever, but there are some amazing interactions between these funny guys.

MAN OF STEEL – I reviewed this as well, but can’t find it. C’mon Google! I could look through my old posts, but I guess that’s too much effort.

I liked this movie. I didn’t love it, but I enjoyed my time watching it. I thought it did a really good job being crazy and out there and uncomprimising with its vision of Superman. It’s easily my favorite Superman movie, which isn’t saying much because the other Superman movies – Christopher Reeve and Brandon Routh alike – suck. Superman movies suck, if you didn’t know. So, I enjoyed this movie for not sucking.

I think it did some stuff really well like the action scenes and really any scene actually featuring Superman, but there were some other scenes that seemed ridiculous that I thought could’ve been handled better, pretty much everything with Lois Lane. In the Christopher Reeve Superman movies, Margot Kidder’s Lois Lane is the worst human being ever. She fucking sucks and her character is sooooo stupid. Sadly, I think they played a little too much homage to that Lois Lane in this movie. Not all the time, but there were a couple scenes with Amy Adams that really reminded me of that Margot Kidder Lois Lane… specifically when she somehow sneaks down to Superman’s ship in the ice… which make no sense and are just recklessly stupid scenes.

Anyway… I liked the movie in total and I can’t wait for more of them.

THE HEAT – A lot funnier than I expected. Certainly, a solid rental or something to look out for when it hits HBO or Netflix. Definitely funny, definitely watchable, and definitely not disappointing.

That’s January through June. I’ll tackle more tomorrow.



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