The year that was supposed to never happen is almost over, so what movies did I see? 2 of 2

December 18, 2013


What happened on Tuesday?! Well, I got caught up with writing about dudes in their underwear fighting… you guessed it… other dudes in their underwear all inside a STEEL CAGE, so I didn’t get a chance to write up more pseudo reviews for 2013 movies that I’ve probably already talked about.

Thankfully, I’m done with my first half of the day work and taking a break from my second half of the day work to talk to you! Or to write for you! Or to write to myself and hope someone else reads it! Who knows?! Solipsism fever, catch it!

Back to the movies, we’ll pick up where we left off in July! Ahhhh, lovely sunny July. As opposed to the snow that’s been jizzed out by the Heavens that is all I can see outside. Also, is there anything going on nowadays? Christmas shopping, I suppose. I’ve been doing some of that. I saw that the idiots on DUCK DYNASTY are anti-gay. WHO’D UH THUNK IT?! Fuck those guys. Those guys are the fake-est. All reality TV is the fake-est even if it’s a bunch of rednecks or swamp people or ice truckers or whatever. It’s FAKE! And on top of that, they’re just diva TV actors just like the rest of celebrities in the world and anyway… fuck them. They’re stupid and homophobic and I hope they get stuck in a cave and never see the light of day ever again. Too much?


THE WAY WAY BACK – SUCKED. FUCKING SUUUHHHH-HUCKED. I fucking HATED this movie. Again, I know I said at least a paragraph about how terrible and stupid this movie was, but I don’t know where it is. The movie should’ve been set in 1965 or whenever they originally wanted it to be set because as a modern movie, it makes NO SENSE. Even if they did set it in 1965, none of the people are likable in the movie including loser Sam Rockwell who is Sam Rockwell playing a loser. That’s it. The redeemable aspects of Sam Rockwell’s character is that it is him playing him, but the character himself is just a loser who doesn’t ever really solidify himself as the good guy character they think he has. Steve Carell’s character is a complete insufferable asshole without a single positive characteristic and Toni Collette appears to have Stockholm Syndrome to keep dating him, which makes no sense. As for the main character, well he’s a mopey weirdo who never expresses anything to the viewer for a moment that should make us actually ROOT for him instead of simply PITY him… AND YET!!!! THIS IS FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HIM FOR NO REASON!!!!!

UHHHHHHH-MAZING. That butt alone is way too good for that droopy eyed, sad sack, mute fuck nut who is the main character let alone the cute blonde attached to that mythical ass.

Oh yeah, the climax of the movie is about nothing anyone would ever give a fuck about – two people riding a waterpark slide and the second person in the tube passes the first person in the tube before they hit the water… WHO FUCKING CARES! – and it happens OFF CAMERA! What a stupid fucking movie. I hated that movie. It is seriously a horrible constructed movie from start to finish and it fucking makes Disney movies like LITTLE BIG LEAGUE, ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD, and MIGHTY DUCKS look like they were fucked over for not winning Oscars.

I’m not joking. The storyline, acting, and execution of ROOKIE OF THE YEAR is MOTHERFUCKING CITIZEN KANE compared to THE WAY WAY BACK which is a step below that Youtube video of the guy shoving a glass bottle in his asshole and it breaking inside him.



Hahahahah… another Citizen Kane reference. Good movie. Not my favorite though by any stretch of the imagination. I guess it’s just a movie everyone knows is a masterpiece and it’s a lot less syllables than me writing out THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY which is a FLAWLESS movie from start to finish. FUCKING FLAWLESS. It’s actually like 3 flawless movies put together in one movie. It’s phenomenal. I love it. I love Clint and Eli dicking around together, I love the walking through the desert, I love Eli and priest brother family reunion, I love the evil Angel Eyes, I love Eli taking a bath and Clint taking off his spurs and walking around like a ninja, I love the bridge blowing up and the final goodbye of the man in charge of the bridge, I love the graveyard, I love the music, I love love!

And, Pacific Rim is utter dog shit.

ONLY GOD FORGIVES – I was so excited for this movie, but there’s just no movie there. The trailer is everything you would want from this movie and the movie is a long winded fucking up of the things you think that will be cool in the trailer. There’s no one to root for and besides that there’s nothing to root for because the cop just wins and wins and wins and that’s it. I think I joked somewhere that it was an unnecessary feature length film version of the song “I fought the law (and the law won)” set in Thailand. It’s really a collection of scenes that are supposed to jar you, but there’s so little happening in the movie between those brief moments of violence that you’re BORED TO DEATH. No dialogue and really no point. It’s good looking with nothing behind it, so it’s arguably the most shallow movie made all year, which is saying something because SPRING BREAKERS came out this year.

EUROPA REPORT – I didn’t get all the way through this because it was putting me to sleep faster than Ambien. Jeebus! Something happen! There were a lot of sci-fi movies this year and this one was noted for being the most procedural, which is hardly a compliment nor should it be, but that’s how they were selling it. It looks like a real space movie… if you want to see a space movie set entirely inside the capsule and never outside of the capsule. Meanwhile, GRAVITY which I’ll get to later is a space movie or I should say THE space movie that actually deals with motherfucking SPACE. This “thriller” is low budget version of SUNSHINE and if that’s what you want to see… a low budget SUNSHINE… then here you go. If you don’t then you’ll never need to know a single thing about this ever.

If someone told me that this movie was made by a senior film student at USC then I would be quite impressed. Telling me it’s made by professional directors and actors, who gives a shit?

ELYSIUM – In a world where action movies get dumber by the year, we have the grandest champion of action movie stupidity ELYSIUM!!!!! Again, I probably talked about this movie and how I sat and waited for a scene to be GOOD and I never received that. As a scene started, I thought to myself, “Ok, let’s see if this is a good scene and gets the ball rolling.” And, I never got a good scene. It was stupid and bad from beginning to end. None of the action scenes were well-constructed or shot well or made sense as to why any of the things that were happening were happening for any reason. That’s actually the big problem with Elysium, nothing follows any reason. Nothing! NOTHING!

My guess as to what happened on the set of Elysium…

Hey, guys, why did that happen in that scene?



Hey, guys, why do you think that scene was good? Because everything seemed to play out nonsensically…


The movie wanted to be about getting a little girl into that medical bed that was in PROMETHEUS and to get her there the director decided to take us on a thoroughly stupid and unfulfilling ride of shitty action scenes with even shittier dialogue scenes that DO NOT matter whatsoever in between. Shit movie. Neil Bloomkamf or whatever she beaten with bamboo reeds for that movie.

IN A WORLD… – Great. I really enjoyed this movie. It’s funny, it’s a rom-com, it’s self-deprecating, and it’s written/directed/stars Lake Bell. And, Ken Marino plays a hilarious villain in the movie. Seriously, it’s fucking delightful. Rent it.

PRINCE AVALANCHE – Hmmm… well… it’s got a few solid moments, but by-and-large unless you enjoy soft-spoken indie movies that feel like glorified short films – which honestly I do – then this movie can be skippable. Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch are the movie and they both do a good job with what they’re allowed to do. It’s not really a compliment to say that Emile Hirsch looks like Jack Black in this movie, but he also delivers a good Jack Black performance though, so it’s positive and negative. Overall, I liked it, but overall it’s really not necessary to see by any stretch of the imagination at all.

THE WORLD’S END – It was good. It also felt like it was either being stretched to thin or smashed into a hole it didn’t fit or whatever the metaphor, but it didn’t quite work as well as the others. I think SHAUN OF THE DEAD is absolutely excellent almost entirely, but does lose itself near the end when it feels like the director and everyone says, “Well, it’s about time we wrap this up.” And, HOT FUZZ has a few missteps, but it’s also quite well made and funny and has great action and really delivers what it truly wanted to deliver. And THE WORLD’S END has some funny moments, has some good action, and everyone plays along great, but there seems to be an uneven-ness with the story and the end makes little to no sense. I feel like these movies are too much fun for Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost to make that they get caught up in their own laughter and forget about the viewers. It’s like the 3 of them are telling these HILARIOUS stories… if you had been there, but you weren’t. So, you laugh and have fun because they’re quite talented storytellers, but there are just certain things that get lost because you simply weren’t there to see them how they see them. If you like their other movies, I’d recommend it, but if you don’t then don’t see this. Also, if you do like their movies then you should expect that this isn’t as good as the other two movies I mentioned.

I DECLARE WAR – Kind of like Prince Avalanche, more or less a solid short film that didn’t need to be 90 minutes long. The first 20-30 minutes, I thought were very interesting and fun. The next hour or so, dreadful. Tough to get through or understand. The longer these kids were on screen the more tiresome it was to watch them and the more insane it was to think they would continue going along with what was happening. I wouldn’t recommend watching the whole movie. If you see a trailer for it and think a stylized kids game of capture the flag seems like something you want to watch then wait for it to be on TV or Netflix and watch the first 20 minutes and then cut your losses. Trust me, you’ll be happier for it.

DON JON – I loved it. I think it should be nominated for best actor, best supporting actress, best writing, and maybe some other things. Best costume design, for fucking sure. In the end, the movie might as well be called “Fuck an older woman; you’ll learn something” and I’m cool with that. I think it absolutely nails the culture it is trying to critique and does so with a lot of respect too. Joseph Gordon Levitt is fucking going for it in this movie and I think he hits homerun after homerun with what he’s trying to accomplish. I think he sells you on his character, Scarlett’s character, Julianne Moore’s character, his friends, and so forth. It ends abruptly and people could say that there should be more to the movie, but I believe then we would really be getting into two movies being sandwiched into one. You don’t learn enough about what happens in the second “half” of the movie, but it’s really not what the point of the movie is as much as the first “half”. I’m fine with how it stops, that aspect of Don Jon is over anyway at that point and forcing us to sit through 30 minutes of how everything in his life has changed … c’mon. It’s fiction. Move on. You had your fun, now leave the theater.

GRAVITY – FUCKING PHENOMENAL. I wish each and every person could have seen this movie in IMAX 3D because it was an experience I won’t forget. There are movies that change movies and this is one of those movies. What was accomplished in this movie by Alfonso Cuaron with the use of sound alone is fucking unbelievable. I LOVE SOUND! Rarely does technical work like sound editing play such a key role in a movie, but SOUND as a whole from GRAVITY should be nominated for best supporting actor/actress and win for both genders. Without a doubt, the best movie I’ve seen this year. Without a doubt, a movie I’ll never forget. Without a doubt, a movie that went beyond the call of duty to produce a unique thriller based on jaw-dropping visuals and the most clever use of sound. It’s horror, it’s action, it’s a drama, it’s sci-fi obviously, it’s a thriller, and it’s like a National Geographic documentary on space. It’s wonderful and fuck people who try to tear apart this movie. The scenes in the movie are so tense and well constructed it’s truly art.


There are a lot of movies that I’ve missed that I wanted to see now looking back at this year.

There are a lot of movies that I wanted to see, but didn’t because the reviews for them sounded like they were crazy disappointing.

There are a lot of movies that I expect I’ll see eventually and will just wait until they’re available to stream or on TV or whatever and I’ll sit down and watch them… like THE COUNSELOR. I heard it was meh, but I still want to see it at some point.

There’s a bunch of movies in December that I want to see and hopefully I’ll see some of them in the theaters and all of them eventually.

That’s what I got!

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