Hello, my pets and pet-tetes or pet-tesses!

You can safely “ass”ume that today we will discuss the “Princess of Pop” Britney Spears’ new jawn PERFUME.

Do we call the “Princess of Pop”? Is she the “Pop Princess”? I know that Michael Jackson was the “King of Pop” and Madonna was the “Queen of Pop”, so Britney Spears could easily be their frightening off-spring. And by frightening, I don’t mean that Spears herself is “frightening” and more so am referring to the vaginal intercourse act between Madonna and Michael Jackson to create Britney Spears is frightening.

I guess we can hope that Britney was a pop test tube baby, right? Artificial insemination pop child. That would be less frightening.

And, being a baby of cold and distant and unemotional science might explain why Britney has all these intimacy issues. You know? If you think about it. Being pop created in some pop lab and going through pop gestation in a pop petri dish. That’s how test tube baby’s are born, right? They just throw an egg or two down in a shallow bowl then shoot some jizz on it and let that simmer for about 9 months and there’s a baby eventually? And that’s the story of Britney Spears…

Now, that that is settled…

Britney Spears is 32, mother of 2, been in the game for two decades, and fuckable as ever.

While a grade A sex symbol for pretty much my entire career as a masturbator, Britney has had issues – many – with men and, apparently, Britney has not learned her lesson because her newest jingle is about dealing with another wandering dick in her life.

OR… is it she who has the wandering puss-say? That was _dharv’s original interpretation of the song.

Either way, “Perfume” is teaching a horrendous lesson to girls everywhere and men as well. So, it’s teaching everyone a terrible lesson. Because you’re either a boy or a girl, and if you’re both then you’re not learning anything good either. So, just to be clear, Britney Spears is hurting everyone with this song. EVERYONE!

It’s kind of catchy though. I mean most of these pop songs are. The first time I heard “Wrecking Ball” I hated it and, now, I’m 99% sure I’d sing it at karaoke. Not that I go to karaoke, but I guess whenever I’m in my car I’ll sing it like I sing Lady Gaga’s “Applause” or Afrojack’s “I want you to take over control”, which are my jams.

Anyway… here are the lyrics to this song that is pro-cheating on your significant other…

Do I imagine it, or do I see your stare?
Is there still longing there?
Oh I hate myself, and I feel crazy
Such a classic tale

Well, there’s always going to be longing. I mean I stuff myself with dinner and I still LONG for dessert. We’re never truly satiated, but I get that she’s seeing extra longing like she’s not enough. And, that line of thinking in and of itself is a blaming the victim mentality. Unless, Britney has gone abstinent to become a second time virgin or something. I mean I don’t know what’s happening in their bedroom. Is Britney not slanging her thang around enough? Is she slanging it and he’s not into it? Because that’s some crazy shit. If Britney was slanging it around like a healthy woman in a healthy relationship should then this is not her fault.

Let’s also throw it out there that Britney Spears could be totally crazy and this guy isn’t cheating. That’s a very real possibility. I’m a Britney Spears fan, but it’s not because of her rational thought.

And, it’s totally a real possibility that she knows a cheater when she sees one because she’s dealt with some shady ass men in her life.

Either way, the girl is at home and she’s bugging da’ fuck out. Not a good start…

Current girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, I’m trying to be cool
Am I being paranoid? Am I seeing things? Am I just insecure?

So, there’s a specific chick that she thinks her man is diddling with his peener and it’s the girl he was diddling with his peener. I’d say there’s a 90% chance he’s banging his ex-girlfriend if he’s still in contact with her. I’ve known a few people who are friends with their ex, but not many. Usually that is trouble. That’s a one way trip to troubs town, you know?! Anyway, there’s still a chance Britney’s crazy and his ex lives in Wyoming and no one really knows anyone who live in Wyoming, it’s a place that solely exists for crazy recluses.

I want to believe
It’s just you and me
Sometimes it feels like there’s three of us in here, baby

That’s what she said!

She’s being metaphorical, but if she doesn’t know whether or not there are 3 people in a relationship then that’s some “Fight Club” ish.

So I wait for you to call
And I try to act natural
Have you been thinking ’bout her or about me?
And while I wait I put on my perfume,
Yeah, I want it all over you
I’m gonna mark my territory

Uhhhhh… you what?

You put on your perfume? While, he’s out possibly banging another broad (or man broad), you’re just washing yourself down with Chanel No. 5? And, you’re doing this, so that he will smell of your perfume when he’s out sticking his dill pickle into other chick’s sesame seed buns?

That is a TERRIBLE idea.

First, waste of perfume. Perfume is expensive. And, a $100 some odd bottle should last you awhile.

Second, it’s probably cancer inducing huffing all that perfume.

Third, it’s not a solution at all for curbing a cheating man.

Fourth, if you want to “mark” your territory then truly mark it and spray the man with your piss.

That’s right. Piss on the dude! He’s fucking cheating on you. Fucking piss on him. Piss on him and tell him, “That’s what you get, dickhead” or “this is me marking you, you fucking dickhead idiot” and then fucking piss all over him.

I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can’t tell but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can’t tell but I hope she smells my perfume

And by perfume, Britney Spears should mean her piss.

BRIT PISS ALL UP IN YO FACE! ALL UP IN YO FACE, SON! FUCKING BURNS, DON’T IT! WOOOOO!!! HOW’S THAT PISS IN YOUR EYE?! STINGS GOOD, RIGHT?!

Maybe when he’s out fucking around on you, Britney, you should be grilling up some asparagus with some lemon pepper zest and work on your vaginal aim, so when he walks through the door you shoot a braided stream of golden stank urine into his retina. FUCKING TAKE THAT, YOU FUCK!

Because spritzing yourself with a floral perfume you picked up the other day from Macys AIN’T GONNA DO SHIT.

I wanna fill the room when she’s in it with you
Please don’t forget me
Do I imagine it, or catch these moments?
I know you got history

Man, fuck that bitch. And by bitch, I mean the ROYAL BITCH as in the bitch you’re dating who is cheating on you and the bitch he’s cheating on you with.

Oh, you don’t want him to forget you? Guess who never gets forgotten, the girlfriend who pisses in her man’s face for cheating on her! That’s who never gets forgotten. He’ll never forget that. He’ll wish he could forget you using your vag as a super soaker and pot shotting him in his ocular cavities with your piss. He’ll totally forget you if you’re just spraying perfume on yourself while he’s out blowing loads in some skank ho. FUCK THIS DUDE! Fucking piss on him already! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR! PISS ON HIM!

Seriously, are we even pretending that Britney Spears in not capable of pissing… literally pee out of her puss… on a guy? Do you remember her shaving her head and attacking K-Fed’s care with an umbrella? That was a great moment. I like the intensity and I like the commitment, but the gameplan was weak balls. Piss is the new gameplan. Piss is the winner’s gameplan.

But I’m your girlfriend, now I’m your girlfriend trying to be cool
I hope I’m paranoid, that I’m just seeing things, that I’m just insecure

Honestly, you should find out if he’s really cheating on you before you piss on him.

That’s going to be difficult to justify or recover from if you wrongly piss on a non-cheater. I mean who knows what’s actually going on. He’s going out to lunch with his ex-girlfriend? Maybe she’s in trouble and needs some advice or maybe she works at a lucrative law firm and she can get her ex-boyfriend a job because she’s a modern woman who isn’t still invested in her ex at all or maybe your boyfriend is actually conning the shit out of his ex to only fucking ruin her life even more because that’s how your bf rolls. He’s got issues with grudges and he’s not satisfied with his ex having a happy life. I don’t know.

Maybe your boyfriend has an evil twin and you know nothing about it because it’s a family secret and you’re only going to find out about it once you’re married. Who knows anymore?!

I want to believe
It’s just you and me
Sometimes it feels like there’s three of us in here, baby

Whatever.

Maybe you should make it four. Add another dude into the mix. I don’t know. Do you.

So I, wait for you to call
And I try to act natural
Have you been thinking ’bout her or about me?
And while I wait I put on my perfume,
Yeah, I want it all over you
I’m gonna mark my territory

It’s just a terrible terrible message to girls and boys alike.

Let’s say this is a heterosexual relationship as the song says, but this really works for anyone, but we’ll stick to that with the girl being the one cheated on…

For girls, it’s teaching chicks that getting cheated on isn’t that big of a deal.

Seriously?! That’s not a good message. You’ve got a guy cheating on you and you’re only means of solving it is to spray yourself with perfume, so that when he continues to cheat on you that the other girl might notice the smell of your perfume while your boyfriend is balls deep in her. That’s not a fucking solution. That’s fucking stupid.

Instead, break up with the dude or piss on him or piss on him and break up with him or tell one of your platonic guy friends who would absolutely love to get balls deep in you and he’ll go beat your boyfriend up with a baseball bat or something. There are limitless options. Go find the chick he’s cheating on you with and set fire to her car. I don’t know. Use your imagination. Make sure that whatever you do, you hurt your boyfriend in some way. He’s the real issue. You can attack the other girl too for good measure, but don’t let him get away without you scarring him physically, mentally, or both. You know? Just have fun with it.

For boys, it’s teaching dudes it’s OK to cheat because that’s what guys do and nothing happens to cheaters even if you’re caught.

Hey dudes, don’t cheat.

So I, wait for you to call
And I try to act natural
Have you been thinking ’bout her or about me?
And while I wait I put on my perfume,
Yeah, I want it all over you
I’m gonna mark my territory

Get a 32ounce Slurpee, drink it down, piss on him.

Also, I guess you don’t have to piss on him. I guess you could just drink the 32 ounce beverage of choice, pee it back into the cup, and then wait for him to get home and throw it on him. I’d suggest keeping it on the stove a low until he shows up, so that it still has that hotness that it has when exiting your peehole.

I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I’ll never tell, tell on myself but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can’t tell but I hope she smells my perfume
I hide it well, hope you can’t tell but I hope she smells my perfume

Perfume is piss or nothing at all.

Hello, everybody!

Remember Balki from Perfect Strangers? It wasn’t a simpler time then, we were just simpler… like stupid “simpler”.

ANYWHATZZLE!

I saw HUNGER GAMES 2: ELECTRIC BUGALOO OF FIRE AND CARRYING OLD WOMEN ON YOUR BACK!

Rest in Peace, Mags.

I don’t know how to say this… but I’m not that into the Hunger Games.

I saw the first movie and thought it was entertaining despite its epilepsy inducing shaky cam. I didn’t think it was a “great” movie. It felt a TV movie more than a “film”. It was like a very memorable two hour+ episode of SMALLVILLE, but with better acting from Jennifer Lawrence. And, Jennifer Lawrence is really the only thing keeping this ship afloat because if she was a bad actress then these movies would SUH-HUCK. No one else is really giving that good of a performance outside of The Law and, more so, no one is really given the opportunity to do so.

The lesser characters have their moments, but they’re few and far between if that. Elizabeth Banks is comedic relief, Haymitch does the same thing in every scene and there are not many of them, Gail also does the same stuff with a whopping 3 minutes of screen time, and the rest of the characters are either forgettable or just don’t do anything. It’s no surprise that the whole thing revolves around Katniss, but that’s really all there is.

Nevertheless, the movie is pretty entertaining if you can stop yourself from thinking too hard on the subject matter at hand. I think most of the “logic” in the story is wildly flawed on the same level as I think the “logic” of MARVEL’S THE AVENGERS is flawed and I didn’t like that movie at all. So, while I wouldn’t consider myself a “fan” of The Hunger Games, I liked it in a general way, meanwhile I didn’t like “The Avengers”, “Elysium”, “Oblivion”, and so on and so forth because they’re all uninspired action movies with very little pinning the story together.

And let me jump in say something right here before anyone wrongly assumes why I’m not into the movie…

WOMEN CAN TOTALLY WIN THE HUNGER GAMES.

I did just mention a bunch of male movies that I hate. I HATED ELYSIUM. Back on topic, there are a lot of threads or discussions that are 100% misogynist and 100% fucking idiotic that a chick couldn’t win the Hunger Games. And that’s fucking CRAZY TALK.

I TOTES THINK CHICKS COULD WIN THE HUNGER GAMES. 

It’s not an arm-wrestling competition between the greatest male arm-wrestler vs. the greatest female arm-wrestler. It’s a killing contest with weapons, AND it’s about surviving a weird nonsense world that tries to kill you too. Every death in the Hunger Games isn’t a one-on-one fight with bare hands. There are people dying from poisonous fog… RIP Mags, seriously you were my favorite… and poisonous fog would kill a 250 pound cagefighter with a XY dangle just as easily as it would kill some helpless lady these message board morons are all picturing. So, even if you picture women as being unable to kill with their hands, weapons, or whatever… all they would have to do is not get killed at some point and the Hunger Games arena could kill all these big tough males without her lifting a finger.

Another idea for the misogynists, what if all those sexy ab muscle having men just kill each other in the opening 10 minutes of the Games and there are only women left? That easily could happen. There are so many ways that a woman could win the Hunger Games that has nothing to do with the woman actually even doing something.

If a man or woman was as proficient with a long range weapon like a bow and arrow like Katniss is and has no issue shooting an arrow into a rampaging human enemy then of course they would be a likely favorite to win. That’s pretty much why they chose it that way for the books… also, chicks just love archery. Archery and horses and taking pictures and making plans and decorations … oh my Jeez … chicks love decorations. Can I get an a(wo)men on that?! WOOOOO!!!

Ok, so, girls could totally win the Hunger Games. They could win it even while being severely handicapped by having such glorious boobs and butts. I mean it sounds impossible, but I totally think it’s possible for a girl with her boobs and butt(s) to wins a Hunger Games.

So… now, that that is settled… let me talk about how this movie made me understand Peeta or more so Josh Hutcherson as Peeta…

First thing first…

Here are a couple of candid photos of Katniss/J-Law relaxing in her everyday life as a reference.

When I saw the first Hunger Games, I thought that Josh as Peeta didn’t make ANY FUCKING SENSE because he was supposed to be a love interest for Jennifer Lawrence and that DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. Reason being, Jennifer Lawrence is very sexy and gorgeous and Josh Hutcherson is perfect to play her little brother who isn’t very good at baseball, but she teaches him how to play because she’s a natural athlete besides being beautiful, popular, and smart and then he ends up hitting the ball once in the big game and then he feels proud about himself, which is the first time he can stop hating his big sister – J-Law – because you have to love yourself before you love anyone else and now he understands she’s only wanted the best for him and didn’t mean to rub it in his face that she wins at everything because she too tries very hard and practices and she’s just living with the exquisite body/face that God gave her and there’s nothing wrong with that, right?

So, I thought the director or writer thought that Josh was a suitable love interest for Jennifer Lawrence in the same way that we’re supposed to believe that Courtney Thorne-Smith would have banged Jim Belushi on “According to Jim”. Like in no fucking way would CTS bang Belushi, but it’s a leap of faith or just bullshit that we’re pretending she would for the sake of the show. That’s what I thought was happening in the Hunger Games. That could be what was happening, I don’t know, but I feel like in Catching Fire something else was happening.

NO ONE BELIEVES PEETA AND KATNISS ARE DOING IT.

FINALLY, PEOPLE ARE MAKING SENSE IN THIS MOVIE!

I mean I don’t understand why any of the Districts would choose life as slaves over open rebellion at all times, but, hey, what do I know. But those same people don’t buy that Peeta is putting it to Katniss and that makes sense to me. I don’t buy it, they don’t buy it, no one is buying it except for the weirdos like Stanley Tucci who I guess doesn’t really care whether or not it is real because he also would like to see these two get beheaded at any point. I’m rambling a little bit…

I thought that part of Catching Fire made a lot of sense to me that no one thought she would choose Peeta in real life, AND I think I understand Katniss’ fondness for Peeta…

A. She takes pity on Peeta.

B. You would get emotionally attached to anyone who you know is not going to kill you when everyone around you is trying to kill you.

Now, I get that.

If I had to make analogy… and I must… Catching Fire was a lot like SIXTEEN CANDLES with Katniss as Molly Ringwald, Gail is lovable hunk Jake Ryan, and Peeta is The Geek aka Anthony Michael Hall…

And I guess that makes Long Duk Dong…

This guy was the WEIRDEST.

The sugar cube scene/monologue was absolutely terrible. I mean I laughed a lot at it, but that was so fucking super odd. And beyond creepy. Who walks around eating sugar cubes?! I really liked the beginning of the movie with Katniss having PTSD, but Finnick’s PTSD that he eats sugar cubes that are meant for horses – seriously, fuck those horses, right?! – was sooooo strange.

AND… Finnick only got stranger from there!

The next time you see sugar cube eating Aquaman, he’s carrying around this mute old lady who looks absolutely bonkers. I could have watched a whole movie about Finnick carrying around Mags like a decrepit old skin smelling backpack and laughed my ass off for days. Also, Mags totally didn’t have to sacrifice herself. She could’ve just got caught by the poison fog and died. The sacrifice was unnecessary drama that is completely not mentioned again.

Also, Mags kissing Finnick straight on the lips means ONE thing and ONE thing only… Mags fucked Finnick. Mags totally deflowered Finnick. And judging by how Finnick looked and how old Mags looked, I’d guess Finnick lost his virginity at 16 to Mags who was around 105 years old.

So, what else with the Hunger Games?

Oh yeah…

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN PLAYING PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS.

They’ve got Elizabeth Banks dressed up like redic. They’ve got Donald Sutherland wearing Scarlett Pimpernel clothes and a beard with a long mustache. They’ve got Stanley Tucci look like he got gang raped by the Care Bears. And they even have J-Law dressed in some a-symmetrical future sweater to try and make her look different… but…

Philip Seymour Hoffman is introduced about 30 minutes into the movie looking EXACTLY like Philip Seymour Hoffman.

No weird beard like Wes Bentley had or dyed hair or colored contact lenses or weird jacket or anything. He just walks right up to Katniss looking the same way he would look if he were attending the Golden Globes and that’s it. That was severely stupid. At least give him an eye patch or something to make his character a fucking character and not that Philip Seymour Hoffman for some reason actually exists inside The Hunger Games. They might as well have gone even more esoteric and it turns out that after Seneca Crane died that the Capitol chose Alan Thicke as the next Games Master or whatever.

Anyway…

All in all, the movie was fine. It wasn’t boring and the scenes moved along pretty quick. More or less it was the same movie as the first one, but with no shaky cam and that’s really all we needed.

And, I liked Jena Malone.

So, whatever. I can’t believe there are two more movies of this, but what can you do.

Whaddup!

I would like to start this post off by assuming I’m the first to say Merry Christmas to you, but I’m guessing you’ve been told Happy Holidays – the religious war equivalent to Merry Christmas – like a bajillion times by Target and Walmart and that drunk cat lady down the street because we can’t even wait until Christmas time to start rolling this shit out. It gets earlier and earlier every year that Christmas decorations are spotted at Macys and in a few years it’s going to be Happy Valentine’s Day from Santa! Which is creepy.

Anyway… what the fuck am I even babbling about?!

Hey, what’s the deal with airplane food?!

Also, Coco – the pitbull – just farted audibly, looked right at me, and started wagging her tail. Yep. That’s what’s going on in the new house. Coco thoroughly acknowledging herself audibly passing gas and wagging her tail about it.

What else?

What else?

There are the December movie previews of course! Silly boots!

ANCHORMAN 2: THE LEGEND CONTINUES

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THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST MOVIE EVER.

Or at least I hope so. I do expect this to be wonderful and amazing and the trailers make me believe as such as well. Seriously, all the Megan Goode stuff looks hilarious. I can’t wait for this movie. I remember seeing the original when I was doing my internship in LA and I sat in a big soldout AMC gargantuan theater in Burbank and pretty much no one laughed at laughing. Well, no one besides me. I couldn’t stop laughing. I had people turning around and looking at me. I went with a friend and my roommate (not my friend). The friend had gotten really high before we went there and was simply too stoned to laugh or too stoned to focus on what was being said. The roommate had terrible taste in movies and didn’t like it.

There were only a couple parts of the movie people really laughed at like the cartoon section about Ron and Veronica having sex and when Jack Black punted Baxter off the bridge. For the most part, the dialogue got little to no laughs from the audience. I was crying from laughter.

I don’t know why some comedies don’t get what they deserve immediately, but do later on but whatevs. I remember sitting in a theater with one other person when MacGruber came out and that’s it and that movie is hilarious. Anyway, the original became an enormous hit when it went to DVD and so forth and now here’s the much anticipated sequel we’ll all laugh so hard at we’ll jizz in our pants.

HER

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I love Spike Jonze, Joaquin Phoenix, and the idea of a sexy lady voice whispering sweet nothings to me all the live long day. I think Scarlett Johansson’s voice was a great choice for this movie because it’s breathy, it can be smoky/deep like all talk is pillow talk, and it’s a recognizable voice for the people who would be interested in seeing this movie and she’s a sex symbol and blah blah blah. So, that all works. I like Spike Jonze getting back to making whackadoo dark rom-coms because that’s where his strengths lie. And, Joaquin is a subversive talent. He’s a weirdo “bad boy” who can play any part. He’s easily one of the most versatile actors of his generation and I think in general. And, he’s getting cast in better movies where he can really put out memorable performances.

Really looking forward to this.

WALKING WITH DINOSAURS

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This should have been titled TALKING WITH DINOSAURS.

They were SO CLOSE. They were off by only one letter. If they just switch the letter from a W to a T then the title makes 900% more sense with the stupid movie that’s attached. This is pretty much the movie ICE AGE, but with whatever studio is making this spending even more money to try and make the dinosaurs look REAL when they’re being thoroughly UNreal by talking to each other like a bunch of idiots.

I get that this is for kids, but they should have just made a movie about dinosaurs interacting without them talking like some sitcom actor and I may have one day watched this.

47 RONIN

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Did you think that December would only have one movie featuring a guy with a sword fighting a dragon? You were wrong!

Keanu Reeves rightly watched LORD OF THE RINGS at some point and said to himself, “I could do that.” And HE DID. And he set it in Japan. So, Keanu – dressed as a samurai of course – is going to embark on an adventure of sorcery and swordplay in this CGI clusterfuck. It should be great, right? Meh. I mean I bet I’ll see this at some point. I did see that terrible samurai western with Kate Bosworth called THE WARRIOR’S WAY, which was terrible as mentioned and a lot bloodier than I could have ever expected, so I really could watch just about any movie featuring someone with a sword fighting someone else with or without a sword.

Plus, Keanu? I mean why not with Keanu? I’ve seen so many of his movies already, why stop now?!

AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY

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Meh.

Family drama. Sweet. As if I enjoyed fighting with my own family so much, it’s time to watch a fictional family of famous actors fight. I’m not so sure I’ll see this, but I bet Meryl Streep gets nominated for an Oscar for it. Meryl has gotten bowl movements nominated for Golden Globes at this point, so why not? Did anyone even see THE IRON LADY? If you say you did, you’re lying. I don’t know why you would lie about such a thing, but you are and it’s weird.

Also, I can’t really pretend to relate about this shit. I’ve seen the commercials and maybe this would be relatable if my family didn’t already agree on politics for the most part or if we really felt the need to talk about politics in general or if we had some bratty kids that said bratty shit that our grandmother didn’t understand.

First, all my grandparents are dead at this point. Second, family arguments almost always stem from needing to teach my parents how to do something with the computer. Usually it’s the same thing they’ve been taught a million times and they refuse to remember it. Outside of that, my sister and my parents have fights on their own time when I’m not around. And, Danielle and I have fights about miscommunication and not whether Democrats or Republicans are evil.

So, if you want to make a movie where a taller Zach Galifianakis teaches Meryl Streep and a Jewish James Gandolfini how to use their scanner and attach documents to emails, while Gandolfini’s girlfriend Lauren Ambrose is mad because he thought her sarcasm was serious and she just loves him so much that he would think that and then show me that movie – I mean I’ll probably shoot myself in the fucking head with a gun, but I mean that would make more sense to me than this bullshit August movie.

GRUDGE MATCH

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Sylvester Stallone has made so many movies and so much money he can literally make whatever movie he feels like making… and well has been able to do that for like 20+ years.

In some ways, I think Stallone is a genius. In other ways, I hate that genius because he’s right. Some idiots will see this movie. They’ll see it, he’ll sell it to some TV station in the end, people will rent it on Netflix, and the studio will make its money back, maybe turn a profit, or not lose too much money because the movie probably cost nothing to make and took 36 days to shoot.

This movie was announced, cast, shot, edited, and is coming out all in less than a year. It’s a piece of shit movie I’m betting and at least it gave an excuse for some grips to get paid or whatever. Fart.

JUSTIN BIEBER’S BELIEVE

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If this movie shows even 10 seconds of Justin Bieber soliciting or at the very least talking to the Brazilian prostitute who videotaped him sleeping and then posted it to her Twitter then I’ll watch this movie. Outside of that… yeah, I can’t really imagine watching this Usher molested, pop star singing on stage for 90 minutes.

LONE SURVIVOR

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I had yet to hear about this movie until this very second, which means this movie will be even more garbage than I would have previously anticipated from a Mark Wahlberg movie. There’s absolutely no way this movie is good. Do you remember THE SHOOTER? That movie SUCKED and that movie was supposed to be a fun action movie about Mark Wahlberg having a sniping duel with … yes… Danny Glover… yes… and occasional shots of Kate Mara in a bra back before she got anorexic. That seems like a good time, but it wasn’t … so how in the hell is this going to be any good?

Also, the fact that this movie exists makes a little more sense about why Wahlberg was flipping out a week or so ago about the military being more important than actors. YEP. I have no idea how that was prompted or why anyone would think otherwise, but Wahlberg took the hardline opinion that his bullshit acting career means less to America than the soldiers over in Afghanistan and Iraq. So, Wahlberg knows at least that much.

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY

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I think Ben Stiller is a thoroughly underrated director and I’m so happy he’s back to directing. It may be more that he doesn’t direct THAT often, but all of his directorial efforts are phenomenal: REALITY BITES, CABLE GUY, ZOOLANDER, TROPIC THUNDER. The trailers for this look amazing. It looks beautiful and Adam Scott’s beard looks heroic. I really can’t wait to see this and am expecting this to be one of the best movies of the year by a long shot.

I bet it’s too much, but I would be thoroughly happy if Ben Stiller just became a full time director. He’s been great in his own movies and he gets great performances out other people. I’m not the biggest fan of Robert Downey Jr and he is fucking transcendent in Tropic Thunder.

THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

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Well…

Generally speaking, if you’ve talked to me for more than 30 hours of life time than you would know I don’t like Martin Scorsese. I think his movies are not only overrated, but most of them are straight up bad movies. I just don’t understand why he’s so well-liked and I really can’t imagine people sitting and watching his movies and enjoying them. RAGING BULL is fucking boring. GANGS OF NEW YORK has an atrocious ending, Cameron Diaz’s character has NO POINT in the movie, and overall it’s just an un-enjoyable movie. THE DEPARTED? There is no reason to root for Leonardo in that movie nor for you to ever understand why Jack Nicholson likes him… oh yeah and Matt Damon’s wife or girlfriend or whatever has no point in the movie either and the ending is stupid. And the dialogue in The Departed sounds like it was written by The Jerky Boys. THE JERKY BOYS! Ugh… the ending of TAXI DRIVER is a cop out and blah blah blah.

This movie… is 3 hours long. Or close to it. Do you want to sit through a 3 hour movie that appears to have wrapped up everything in the 2 minute trailer? Do you know how boring this movie must be? I don’t know. I can’t imagine sitting through Scorcese’s 20 years too late rip off of BOILER ROOM for 3 hours. I could barely imagine watching this WALL STREET 2: MONEY NEVER SLEEPS unsolicited reboot for 90 minutes.

The only thing good about this movie is the gif of Leo popping and locking and the rest makes me want to throw myself off a cliff.

Maybe I’m wrong… there is so much win in this gif.

Ethan Suplee looking a like a mustached goon in the back ground.

How cocaine amazing Shane from The Walking Dead looks.

I don’t know… there’s the cute blonde Margot Robbie that Will Smith is apparently sleeping with nowadays in the movie. I’m sure she’ll play a thoroughly inconsequential role to the actual plot like most of Scorcese’s female characters.

Gangs of New York could’ve been a “good” movie if you remove the techno from the beginning fight scene, cut out Cameron Diaz entirely because her character has no influence on the plot whatsoever, and make the final fight scene a long drag out knife between Leo and Daniel Day Lewis like Roddy Piper and Keith David’s THEY LIVE! and it would have been a solid flick.

Merry Christmas.

Have a great weekend.

I love you.

HALFTARAH?! MORE LIKE FULLTARAH!! AM I RIGHT?!

WHADDUP, JEWS AND GENTILES AND GENTLE GENITALS!!!

I legitimately don’t know what I’m talking about right now. I will say that my Hebrew school teachers would be severely disappointed though. Not like I was really paying attention in those classes… anyway.

Let’s put the December movies on hold for un momento until tomorrow. It’s not like they’re gong anywhere! And, let’s discuss the new WONDER WOMAN.

This is GAL GADOT.

In and of itself, Gal Gadot sounds like a super heroine’s name. And yesterday it was announced she will be playing the Amazonian princess known as Wonder Woman in the upcoming BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN movie, which is the sequel to earlier this year’s MAN OF STEEL.

And, yes, Gal is Jewish.

Gal was born and raised in Israel – pronounced YIS-RYE-EL – and beginning the tall and slender vixen she visually appears to be entered into the Miss Israel competition – which exists – and won it when she was 19. She then went onto Miss Universe, where she didn’t place in the top 15. I’ll say this, top 15 in the UNIVERSE has got to be difficult. It’s the UNIVERSE! Also, I’m sure there was some backstage hanky panky from Miss Pluto because we all know they’ll do anything to be popular. Sad really.

ANYWAY… Gal then joined the Israeli military at 20 as one is forced to do over there in Israel. From there, a genius from Maxim magazine went to Israel to do a photoshoot of the hot women in the Israeli army and Gal was prominently featured. If you didn’t know this already, there is definitely a niche in the internet for hot military chicks and some countries like Israel and Switzerland are heavily featured because all young-ins have to be in the military for a couple of years. While the good ole’ USA has plenty of good looking ladies in our volunteer military, their military is mandatory, so every girl you had a crush on in high school will now add to that crush by dressing up in uniform and carry a machine gun.

The spread in Maxim got Gadot famous over here and it started getting her acting jobs, specifically the role as Gisele in FAST AND FURIOUS (the fourth) where she sexed Vin Diesel and then in FAST 5 she sexed Han who died in TOKYO DRIFT (the third), which was OK because it turns out that the 4th, 5th, and 6th movies were prequels to the 3rd movie… and Gisele dies in FAST 6. So, there’s that. I think I may have explained all that ridiculousness in a previous post.

Either way…

^THIS^

is the new…

^THIS^

I’m curious as everyone is I guess as to how they’ll portray Wonder Woman.

Like most female comic book characters, Wonder Woman hasn’t been treated too well over the years with a largely shitty amount of comic books dedicated to her and a litany of writers having her range from a secretary who simply runs fast to a full-fledged super hero.

Personally, I like what they’re doing with Wonder Woman in the new 52.

Wonder Woman is like Xena on steroids and/or Xena is like Wonder Woman minus the super powers.

I really like the storyline of Wonder Woman with this Greek mythological backstory, which has been toyed with in some of the books about her. It’s more or less making Wonder Woman a female Hercules with her being the daughter of Zeus. And that’s how it should be.

The Wonder Woman I like best is the one equipped like she’s a female Spartan from 300. She’s got a shield, spear, sword, she’s still got the indestructible gauntlets on her wrists, and the golden lasso is more like an indestructible lasso than some bullshit truth telling lasso.

As for the invisible plane? Fuck that in its asshole with a hockey stick.

WONDER WOMAN CAN FLY!

Just straight up fly. Wonder Woman looks like a post-op Superman and she should have the powers as such. She’s fast, she’s strong, she can fly, she can absorb an insane amount of damage, and then some. Wonder Woman seemingly was supposed to be the Superman equivalent for the fairer sex, she came about almost 2 decades before Super Girl who is not Super Woman because there is Wonder Woman. Why Wonder? I don’t know. But that’s obviously what they were going for. She’s got the same black hair and everything.

So, Gal…

I like the choice of Gal when compared to the other two that were mentioned as being in the running…

Olga Kurylenko, who you may remember in such bad films like OBLIVION and QUANTUM OF SOLACE.

Or…

Elodie Yung who was in the masterpiece GI JOE: RETALIATION.

Honestly, I like Gal because she’s tall, she was in the military so that’s kind of fun, and she’s Jewish and that’s just amazing.

I think all three of these women kind of share a similar look of being tall and slender with model like cheek bones and will all look great in some Wonder Woman cosplay.

But I’m far from in love with this Wonder Woman casting…

Slender.

SLENDER?!

Slender.

See, that’s just not what I’m necessarily looking for in Wonder Woman.

Did you see how fucking jacked Henry Cavill got to play Superman? It’s insane. The dude had more muscles than anything else. He was all muscle. He could probably flex every inch of his body. He probably could do curls with his nipples. I mean it’s insane.

You wouldn’t have classified him as “slender”, but that’s what all three of these chicks are. And, while it’s pretty commonplace for actors – male actors – to put on large quantities of muscle mass for roles, it’s not commonplace at all for females to do that. Sure plenty of them get in shape, but it’s like they look good-er in yoga pants now – it’s not real athletic prowess like they could manhandle or WOmanhandle anyone. Y’know?!

Without a doubt, the best physical match for Wonder Woman would have been…

Gina Carano.

Without a fucking doubt, Gina Carano.

Gina Carano looks like fucking Wonder Woman.

From the hair to the face to the muscles to the boobs to the footage of her beating people in cages with her fists and feet.

That’s fucking Wonder Woman right there.

Hopefully these pictures are appearing for everyone, if not, simply search Gina Carano you’ll get tons of pictures of her looking sexy and badass and if you search Gina Carano Wonder Woman you’ll find a ton of pictures of people making mock-ups of what Gina would look like as Wonder Woman and guess what it – it looks perfect.

Maybe Gina didn’t get chosen because of the whole she used to date Henry Cavill thing. I don’t know. But it feels like a real missed opportunity.

What’s the only negative about Gina? She’s not as tall as Gal? If that’s it then let me rewind the entire history of movie making and let’s recast basically every male actor because they’re all like 5’5″ dudes who are shot from the floor up and are wearing lifts in their shoes to make them appear even the slightest bit menacing. I legit could carry Tom Cruise in a baby bjorn if he would stop squirming for 5 seconds.

As far as acting ability, Gal wasn’t doing anything groundbreaking in the Fast & Furious movies nor were the other two ladies mentioned in their movies, so I think Gina can get a pass there. None of them have shown any real particular range, but as far as looks and action – Gina beats them all.

I can think of a couple of other chicks that could have fit the Wonder Woman role.

The first being…

Gemma Arterton.

She’s British and she’s appeared in some garbage action movies recently, but she’s done some decent dramatic work as well. She’s definitely thicker in every conceivably phenomenal way possible than Gal, which is what the role needs. She’s not a waif, stick figure model.

Also, I think Wonder Woman needs to have a strong jaw, chin. And Gemma and Gina have that as well.

And yeah, Gemma’s got boobs, which Wonder Woman has as well.

Another choice I have for Wonder Woman would require a time machine and so forth and thankfully I have one of those in my brain…

Demi Moore in STRIPTEASE.

She would’ve been great for Wonder Woman!

Between her getting in shape for GI JANE and Striptease, Demi Moore looked like a fucking athlete in the mid-90’s … an athlete with big fake breasts, but an athlete nonetheless.

I remember Demi doing sexy dances and stripping down to bikinis on pretty much every late night talk show in the lead up to Striptease and she said she needed to get into this shape because that’s the shape you need to be in to be a stripper. Uhhhhh… what?

I don’t know what strip clubs Demi was going to, but I’ve been to some strip clubs and being “in shape” is not a priority. Flexible moral compass is more of a priority than being “in shape”. I don’t know if I’ve ever been to a strip club where a dancer has abs you could break a 2×4 over like Demi has in the movie Striptease. I mean her body is akin to an Olympic hurdler more so than a stripper.

Either way, she would’ve looked good as Wonder Woman.

Well, anyway…

I have faith in Zack Snyder in what he’s doing. I liked MAN OF STEEL quite a bit and I’m expecting to like this next movie even more.

Hello, doo-dads and doo-moms and doo-people-who-know-how-to-pull-out-and-use-contraception!

Let’s talk about it! And by IT I mean like 3 random things I have been thinking about before I get to the first half of the December movie previews.

First up, ABC’s show MARVELS AGENTS OF S.H.I.T.T.Y. S.H.I.E.L.D. is even more of a blatant rip off of HEROES than I expected. Not that I have sat through a full episode of the show or anything, but I have caught a good 15 minutes to 30 minutes every once and a while. Generally speaking, I don’t have a specific show(s) to watch on Tuesday nights and that means when Jeopardy/Wheel of Fortune’s 7pm-8pm hour is up that the channel usually stays on ABC until I realize how completely terrible this Marvel Heroes show is.

The main problem with Heroes was a main problem with most superhero movies, the superhero doesn’t want to be a superhero. That’s forever lame and in pretty much every movie you’ll ever see featuring a superhero. Minus THE CROW, which Eric Draven fully embraces his powers from the get-go and goes thrill killing his enemies, which is one of many reasons why that is arguably the best comic book/superhero movie or just movie movie ever. Anyway…

Basically, no one on Heroes wanted to fucking be a hero. Meanwhile, Marvel just seems like a jokey rip off of one specific storyline – Hayden Panettiere’s dad/guy with the horned rim glasses – of finding heroes each episode and giving them a million of the softest kisses ever. I don’t know what happens on the show – like I said, I only watch 10 or so minutes of it and turn it off.

It sucks. Moving on…

Second, X-MEN!

Another amazing Pete Holmes sketch about the X-Men with him as Professor X firing Rogue. I absolutely love these sketches. I would watch a show of Pete Holmes solely playing Professor X as he fires each and every X-Men character.

I think Holmes is proving the point that Professor X really never needed any of these X-Men to begin with. The point of the X-Men and their school is to provide a world where these mutants could live together like a hippie commune where all their freakishness is accepted and give them something to do like fight mutants who have become criminals and/or raise new mutants to stay good. Professor X really doesn’t need anyone’s help to fight other mutants, but he doesn’t want to fight anyone and would rather convince them to be apart of his clan of do-gooders.

Anyway… the sketches are funny and a lot of X-Men are pointless.

Third, ALMOST HUMAN or really DO YOU KNOW WHO MINKA KELLY’S PARENTS ARE?

Do you?

This real life looking Disney Princess is the daughter of a former Aerosmith guitarist and an “exotic dancer”.

Did you know that? I didn’t until ALMOST HUMAN started and I watched a couple episodes and thought, “I know absolutely nothing about Minka Kelly except that I could draw the subtle curves of her face blindfolded from memory”. So, I looked her up on Wikipedia and I found that out.

Honestly, I think this makes sense as to why Derek Jeter and her did not work out, or why Jeter never proposed or however you want to think about it. I really can’t imagine Derek Jeter and his suburban cookie cutter family spending their holidays with an ex-Aerosmith or ex-stripper. It’s just not something I could see them doing.

On the flip-side, the Kelly’s would be more than welcome at the Newmark/Harvey rogues gallery for the holidays. I’d absolutely love to hear ex-stripper and ex-Aerosmith stories. I hate Aerosmith, which I would downplay around Minka’s dad, but I would keep prodding him for stories where he shits on his ex-band. Maybe he hates them and with that we can talk about that, but I’ll probably avoid the “I think all of Aerosmith’s music should be burned” talking point.

DECEMBER’S MOVIES AND THEIR PREVIEWS!!!! WOOOOO!!! PART 1!!!

If you’re going to see a good movie in theaters this year that’s not named GRAVITY then it’s probably going to be in this month. There are some solid looking movies coming out with the best of the bunch being ANCHORMAN 2, which is in the second half of the month and will be talked about tomorrow…. WHAT?! Yep. Sorry. frowny face.

OUT OF THE FURNACE

Honestly, the trailers for this movie are confusing and the only take away is that Woody Harrelson most likely used UFC Hall of Famer Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell as his character’s inspiration.

Seemingly, the movie is about a shithole town in Western Pennsylvania where Woody Harrelson is a local crime lord who lives in the hills on the outskirts of town where the cops are too scared to go and for the fuck of it he also holds bare-knuckle boxing fights for those who feel so inclined. Coming back from Afghanistan, Casey Affleck doesn’t know what else to do besides fight in those fights for money and for some reason that turns into him being kidnapped or something by Harrelson. Not really sure why, nor do I think it actually matters. What matters is that Christian Bale tries to join Harrelson’s group to look for Affleck… his brother! Which it seems like Harrelson figures out at some point and then Bale gets that rifle you see he’s holding in this poster and uses it to fight Harrelson’s crew of misfits and whatever.

More than anything, the movie seems like it is trying to push a semi-complicated emotional storyline into a movie that is pretty paint-by-numbers. I would keep my expectations SUPER low for this one and you might enjoy a fist fight or a rifle killing or two and walk out happy that I’m guessing the good guy wins.

I’d also like to add that Chuck Liddell is not some toothless hillbilly. He’s from the mid-California suburbs and went to college and got an accounting degree, but had a knack for KOing people. The haircut is unfortunate and head tattoo is certainly unfortunate, but whatevs.

INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS

It is pretty clear from the trailers that this will be one of the Coen Brothers less accessible movies, but it could be good despite its lack of focus.

The Coen Brothers are two of the most talented people to ever make a movie, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t swung and missed a few projects… THE LADYKILLERS for one. Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that just because these guys make all-time great motherfucking movies like THE BIG LEBOWSKI, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, FARGO, RAISING ARIZONA, and so on and so on… they’ve also served up some forgettables or movies that are for a smaller audience. Deep down they’re still indie directors making movies that sometimes make more sense to them than to everyone else… BARTON FINK for one and A SERIOUS MAN for another. And, I think the trailers suggest that this movie is one of those movies.

I’m guessing the 60’s folk music in this movie will be great for people who love 60’s folk just like O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU was great country music for people who liked country music. As for the movie itself, well, it appears you follow around a sad sack musician as he has a sad sack tour and has sad sack encounters with a litany of side characters who are also musicians played by John Goodman, Carey Mulligan, Justin Timberlake, and Adam Driver to name a few or all of them who knows.

I’m sure this movie is very watchable. The story seems simply and Oscar Isaac is a young talent. I really like everything I’ve seen from Oscar Isaac so far, which is really just his characters in DRIVE and SUCKER PUNCH and I thought he absolutely melted away into Standard in Drive and I thought he was great/excellent in Sucker Punch. I’m guessing he’ll be good and the music will be good and for the few scenes everyone else is in they’ll be good, but overall there won’t be too much happening in this movie to make it truly memorable outside of the music, if you like that type of music.

AMERICAN HUSTLE

IF THIS MOVIE IS BAD THEN I WILL RIOT.

Look at that starting 5 of fucking beautiful faced actors who have all been nominated for or won Academy awards. On top of that, the director is David O. Russell who has worked with 4 of the 5 actors in the two movies mentioned of the poster. Jeremy Renner is the “wild card”, right? Seriously, this movie better fucking kick the shit out of my high expectations.

More or less, the trailers suggest this movie is like BLOW, but better. It looks like a cocaine and booze fueled conman story with Bale and Cooper working together and then against each other as well as their female cohorts in Adams and Lawrence. Meanwhile, Renner is the guy trying to ruin all of their days. It really has no right to be bad. The trailer alone should be nominated for best movie of the year.

I’ve said this time and time again that the goodness of movie relies with the director and in this case we’ve got the mentioned O. Russell. As far as movies go, his greatest miss – to me – is THE FIGHTER and even that wasn’t terrible. It wasn’t terrible as a movie. It was terrible as a boxing movie. It had worse boxing scenes in that movie TEEN WOLF TOO. I can’t believe that Mark Wahlberg told anyone he trained for years to do those scenes because they were fucking awful. The rest of the movie had the good soundtrack and some good intense scenes as Russell usually has in his movies. Russell’s movies always feature a lot of the cast yelling at the other lot of the cast. Which makes sense because he’s supposed to be a crazy yeller himself.

Either way, this movie better be fucking balls amazing. If not, I’ll be pretty sad panda.

THE CRASH REEL

This is arguably the best movie I’ve seen this year.

I haven’t seen THE ACT OF KILLING or BLACKFISH yet, but this documentary is fucking excellent and should win awards for something. The other two documentaries will probably take all the awards because of their subject matters, but don’t let the idea of a snowboarding documentary fool you – this movie is incredible. I know I’m really hyping this up, but it deserves it.

The Crash Reel focuses on a rising talent in the snowboarding world named Kevin Pearce who was a friend/rival of Shaun White. The movie starts with Pearce training for the upcoming Olympics (2010’s) and him suffering a sudden catastrophic brain injury. The rest of the movie lets you into Pearce’s world growing up and his family who are all thoroughly riveting characters in their own right and follows Pearce/family through Pearce’s recovery. It’s not a “spoiler alert” because he has been out publicly a lot and does commentating work and this happened several years ago… Kevin Pearce is alive. Although, that does appear to be very touch and go for awhile in the movie.

The movie is fascinating and incredibly earnest. It also feels scripted when sitting in on these family discussions as they explain to Kevin that him snowboarding again would be a knife to their heart. Then it becomes even more interesting as Pearce sits down with other snowboarders or people in general who have had traumatic brain injuries and how it has affected them.

The storytelling by director Lucy Walker is fantastic. It’s emotional, it’s funny, it’s terrifying, it’s inspiring, and the shifting storylines are seamlessly introduced like peeling away layers of an onion. It’s really well made and a very enjoyable watch.

It’s been available for download for awhile, so check it out.

THE HOBBIT: THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG

I’ll see this, but I’m not looking forward to it the way I or anyone should.

At this point, it almost feels like a chore sitting through these movies. They just announced this movie is another just shy of 3 hours epic, which is to be expected, but ultimately feels so thoroughly unnecessary.

THE HOBBIT book was not 10,000 pages long. It’s actually not much more than 300 pages. It’s a MOTHERFUCKING KIDS BOOK. And Peter Jackson is turning it into a 9 hour 3 movie cluster fuck of CGI.

I was and am a big fan of the Lord of the Rings trilogy and each one of those books I believe are longer than The Hobbit and, yet, to tell it’s movie story it will take the same amount of time. There was a lot of the first Hobbit movie that could have been cut out and there was a lot of the first Hobbit movie that wasn’t intended for the same audience who was there opening day for the Lord of the Rings movies.

The weird thing about these movies is that they are for kids and yet that’s not really who is seeing them. The Lord of the Rings wasn’t not for kids, but it was certainly for adults who enjoy fantasy and so forth. But the Hobbit is straight up a kids book and the first movie is much more for kids than the Lord of the Rings movies and yet that’s who wants to see it. I’m being repetitive.

I really don’t like the assumption from Peter Jackson that I WANT to sit through 9 hours of The Hobbit. I don’t like the assumption that these movies have to be as long as the Lord of the Rings. I really think that the Hobbit could have been two two hour movies at worst. But that’s not what Jackson wanted. Jackson wanted to make Lord of the Rings TRILOGY the sequel, so he did. These Hobbit movies are filled with scenes that never happen in the book and by far the majority of the third Hobbit movie will be “based on” notes that Tolkein made for a second Hobbit book, which he never wrote. So, it isn’t that Jackson made the movies that needed to be made to tell simply The Hobbit… instead he made the movies that he wanted to make to fill out a second 9 hour waste of my life.

I’ll see it though. The first movie was long winded, but entertaining enough.

SAVING MR. BANKS

I wish Tom Hanks would make movies that I want to see.

I’ll most likely never see this movie. This movie is a kids movie re-imagining of how Walt Disney eventually got the rights for “Mary Poppins”, which is a storyline that I couldn’t give any less of a fuck about.

I’m sure some people will see it. I’m sure not a ton though. But whatever.

So… next?

TYLER PERRY’S A MADEA CHRISTMAS

I will also never see this movie.

I haven’t seen a single Madea or Tyler Perry movie, but from every trailer or clip or review or whatever I’ve seen/read I know I’ve made the right decision. The only Perry movie I was slightly interested in was the one where the girl who cheats dies of AIDS and that movie sounds so fucking terrible yet wrongly hilarious that I could see myself one day watching that, but probably not. The shocked reviews were good enough.

I will say one thing about Madea… why isn’t it like BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE?

Tyler Perry is not funny. I can tell you that first and foremost because I know who is funny – Martin Lawrence. Martin Lawrence is fucking hysterical and Martin Lawrence already made two hilarious movies – the third, not hilarious – with a black man dressed in drag and Perry is not making those movies.

Perry’s movies look thoroughly uncomfortable and are more or less the black equivalent of Bill Engvall.

Generally speaking, high horse Christian morals have no place in comedy and that’s what Tyler Perry’s movies are about. So, have a fun Christmas with that.

Actually, come to think of it, Tyler Perry’s Madea movies are like the Ernest Goes to Jail movies except trying to relay some type of family value none sense. I blame Comedy Central and it having little to no money back in the day for me watching those shitty Ernest movies.

Tomorrow I’ll throw over the next half of the month.

I love you.

Whaddup, my lovely readers who believe I abandoned them!

I’m officially typing this post in my NEW HOUSE.

TEARS OF JOY, MOTHERFUCKS!

YEAH! WHAT THE FUCK UP, BITCHES! And by bitches, I’m referring to any doubters I had specifically about me never owning a house, which I believe there were none. WHAT THE FUCK UP NOW, YOU PEOPLE WHO DON’T REALLY EXIST AND I’M CALLING A BIATCH! WOOOO!!!

I’ve got glossy wood floors, I’ve got couches being delivered pretty much every week until the new year, I’ve got a washer and dryer that was installed only moments ago, I’ve got a new fucking toilet seat, I’ve got Verizon Fios, and two trash cans and a new bath mat and what else… hmmmm… totally bought a new tension rod for the shower … and … hmmm… well … I’m guessing some other things… MOTHERFUCKERS! WOOOO!!!!

There’s still a ton of unpacking to do and setting up to do and figuring out what we still need to buy like we need a fuck ton of end tables. Where ever there’s an END, we’re going to have a table. That’s the house motto. Actually, the house motto probably has something to do with no ass slapping while I’m carrying something heavy or filled with hot liquid, or something to do with Coco being the bestest dog ever, or something about whomever scratches these wood floors first will never stop hearing about it in future arguments or something.

Much of my life has been centered around this house and will continue to be until the end of this month I’m guessing. From there, I think the house will still be a key focal point of everything I do for awhile, but once December is over I’m thinking we’ll have done a bunch of the shit we need to do. We still have a lot to do as mentioned with painting being a big one and probably hiring an electrician to update a lot of the electric in this place…. who am I kidding?! This house has become a bigger priority than my own food intake.

WHAT ELSE IS GOING?!

This chick is killing it at the box office.

Haven’t gotten around to see CATCHING FIRE yet.

It sounds like it is the same as the original minus shaky cam, which sounds like a positive. The negative is that you’ve already seen the original, so you’re sitting through a 2 and a half hour movie again for the smell of it.

Meanwhile, J-LAW is no where done with us because soon enough we’re going to watch a movie with her looking like this…

WOWZERS.

I really can’t wait for AMERICAN HUSTLE.

I’ll do a December movies preview probably tomorrow.

What else?

Everyone saw that Paul Walker died. That was random and sad. Even “sadder” are people showing up to the site of the accident and burning rubber from their own cars as a tribute. Did no one learn the lesson of his death? DON’T DO FAST AND FURIOUS TYPE STUFF, YOU IDIOT FACES. It’s a movie. Leave it as a movie. And Paul Walker was some dude, not an FBI agent with an adrenaline problem. That’s a movie too. Dude was in EIGHT BELOW. No one is out there running the Iditarod in his honor. Driving recklessly for the sake of it will only end in more fiery car wrecks.

What else?

Thanksgiving?

It was good. I ate a ton of turkey and biscuits and drank a lot of wine and my digestive track wasn’t back to normal for a day and a half.

Football?

FUCKING STEELERS! Seriously?! It’s amazing how that team loves to beat itself. They pretty much lose the game on two plays by Jacoby Jones. The opening pass to Jones that went the length of the field for a touchdown, which everyone had to know was coming because that’s how Joe Flacco plays and that’s how the Steelers fuck up getting burned on asinine plays like that. Then there’s the Jacoby Jones return… and fuck it.

The Steelers were playing a lot better recently and really could have won that game. They were really outplaying the Ravens, but not putting the points up to prove it. BAH!

The Jets are a fucking disaster and it’s hilarious. I love PARKS AND REC and all, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the hilariousness that is the stupid ass Jets.

Seattle is amazing.

Tom Brady is the only one crazy enough to want to play Seattle in Seattle. He hasn’t come out and say that, but I guarantee he’s the only QB with a real shot walking into that environment and winning. I hate the Patriots, but damn it I respect them. Tom “Terrific” is without a doubt the best QB in the elements ever. People talk about Brett Favre and I would say he’s probably the second best. I love Brett Favre, but Tom Brady is a stone cold killer in the elements. Wind, rain, snow – Brady rifles through all of it.

As for college football… that Doug Flutie hail mary can go fuck itself because that Auburn field goal miss return for a 108 yard touchdown is the greatest ending to a game ever.

What else?

I think that’s it for me for now.

What have you been up to?

What have your pretty eyes been up to?

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