January 31, 2014
I haven’t posted the past couple days and I will be quiet for the next couple weeks because I’m working on a project for the UFC that is taking up most of my time and will take up much more of it in the as mentioned next couple of weeks.
So, I’ll be laying low staring at this computer screen typing about fights and not jokes or boob thoughts for you all. I still love boobs just as much if not more than before meaning Tuesday, but I will not be as frequent with mentioning them to you for the next couple weeks.
There is this thing called the SUPERBOWL coming up this weekend and…
I’m rooting for…
And, yes, I am a fan of Peyton Manning.
I’m not like the idiots – yes! the IDIOTS! – out there who think that Peyton Manning needs to win this Superbowl to prove anything to anyone. Honestly, Peyton could’ve retired with that neck injury and never played a snap for the Broncos and still been one of the two greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game if not THE best.
Now, what he’s done on the Broncos has only further proven what HAS ALREADY BEEN PROVEN. Peyton isn’t adding to his case because the case was closed. He’s playing for himself and legacies were already set in stone to begin with because his career with the Colts already earned him the right – if you wanted to say it – to be called the greatest at his position ever. EVER!
People who think that Tom Brady or Joe Montana are better than Peyton Manning can still say that whether or not Peyton wins this Superbowl. Their rationale has and will be following Peyton winning or not winning the game that Tom and Joe have more Superbowl rings than Peyton. Guess what?! They’ll still have more Superbowl rings than Peyton! Tom has 3 and Joe 4, so Peyton would still need to win another Superbowl on top of this Superbowl to be tied with Tom let alone need another Superbowl to tie with Joe.
I guess if you’re rooting to see Peyton Manning win the next 2 or 3 Superbowls then have fun, but, honestly, I’m more interested in seeing the Seattle Seahawks win.
By the way, I do think Peyton Manning is the best quarterback of all-time… he has the stats, he has the ring, he’s brought two different teams to the Superbowl, he came back from a horrific injury, so… I don’t need to see more. He’s been a pleasure to watch over these years and I’ll be sad when he’s retired, but I’m still rooting for the Seahawks.
I picked the Seahawks at the beginning of the year to go to the Superbowl and more so I picked them because I wanted to see them in the Superbowl.
They’re easily one of the most exciting teams to watch in any sport and they play a brand of football that I love – DEFENSE! They’re some scary motherfuckers on that defense. That defense doesn’t give a fuck about their offense. Their defense is looking to win the game all by themselves. Richard Sherman, Earl Thomas, Kam Chancellor, Bruce Irvin, and so on don’t give a fuck if Marshawn Lynch runs 1 yard or Russell Wilson throws for -50 yards. That defense will make the interceptions happen, the fumbles happen, and the whatever happen for them to score the points to win the game.
And I love that.
Richard Sherman isn’t out there hoping to stop Peyton Manning. He wants to stop him, humiliate him, and catch an interception off of him and take it back to the house and score 6 points on him and then that’s the end of the fucking game! Seattle 6 and Denver 0. And I fucking love that.
Also, Russell Wilson is an incredible player and character in this league and Marshawn Lynch does literally go into BEAST MODE when needed. I’d love to see them rewarded for their efforts.
Obviously, same goes for their coach Pete Carroll who I was a fan of at USC and was really excited to see what he could do with Seattle when he got the chance and he’s steadily built one of the best teams, maybe the best, in the league and it’s really a great success story.
And back to Russell Wilson, but FUCK YES I want to see Russell Wilson win a Superbowl this Sunday partly because he’s black. HE’S BLACK! Yep. And it’s not a major reason, but it is a reason. I love running quarterbacks and I love the energy and never quit spirit such a young and confident player brings and I would really love to see what type of player he develops into with a ring on his finger… and YES … he’s fucking black.
There’s only been ONE black quarterback to win a Superbowl – Doug Williams. And, it’s about time we have a fucking second one.
And, if you can stop staring at those True Detective gifs for a minute, Alexandra has really cool eyes.
And and, if we’re not talking about her superficially, Alexandra was quite good in the third episode of True Detective when she was clothed and not casting a great hypnosis spell with her nudity in episode 2.
I really like that show. Only a few episodes left. Sad face.
I love you. Have a great weekend.
January 28, 2014
Last night’s episode of THE BACHELOR was super Korean! Ain’t that what we’ve always wanted?! A Korean episode of The Bachelor!?!?!?!? Or I mean, haven’t we always wanted an episode of The Bachelor where every 10 minutes it’s punctuated with the thought “South Korea is pretty… sometimes” and ever 3 minutes it’s punctuated with the thought “South Korea is weird, right?”
South Korea is weird… for the destination of the first “LATIN” The Bachelor!
I’ll be honest, Juan Pablo is better at English than I am at Spanish, BUT I’m also not the lead of a Spanish speaking reality soap opera on Telemundo. I wish I was, but I’m not. Nevertheless, why not fucking put this dope in a country that speaks Spanish to show off his charisma in his native language instead of taking this glorified dork and putting him in Korea where he makes less sense than normal. I don’t know… but whatever… let’s get down to brass tacks here… in case you forgot…
Juan Pablo is just a simple single father to a bright eyed little girl named Camilla and he just wants to spend time with his little hija, but he CAN’T … because!!!! … he has to go and date two dozen women at the same time for all of us to watch because we’re such assholes.The episode kicked off with JP saying an awkward goodbye to his daughter who is seemingly being watched by his parents and/or two old people that ABC hired as reasonable step-ins for his parents. Then it cuts to the The Bachelor brothel where 13 girls remain in all their giddy bitchiness. The host of the show is such a pointless character, but he’s kind of hilarious because he’s like the deadpan proxy for Juan Pablo like he’s Adam Scott to JP’s Rob Lowe when they first started on “Parks and Rec”. So… the host tells them the good news that they’re going on a trip and the bad news that a couple of them won’t be coming back on that same trip.
Where are the girls going?
The girls go absolutely BALLISTIC when they find out the news. Honestly, they go too ballistic. I think Sharleen is part Asian, so she could be excited, but the rest of them get WAY too excited as a pack of just white chicks from white places in America. Not to say white people don’t go to Korea because white people go every where, but let’s be serious about these girls who sign up for the Bachelor who have watched “The Notebook” one too many times getting way too excited about going to Korea. Do you even think that any one of them had ever thought about Korea in their life outside of maybe catching a replay of “Best of the Best” on the USA Network, which they only watched to see Eric Roberts’ magnificent hair.
Anyway… YAH! KOREA! YAH TO A TWELVE HOUR PLANE FLIGHT!!!! WOOO!OO!O!O!O!!!!
Seriously! When has there ever been a plane filled with a baker’s dozen of hot white chicks flying to Korea that didn’t have to do with porn? I’m talking some super hot AMWF – Asian Male White Female – schoolgirl outfits and tentacles type of love making cinema. You know? Oh, you know.
They get to Korea and everyone at the airport is a half-asleep Korean thinking “yep, back in ole’ Korea” meanwhile the girls are whipping around screaming “WE’RE IN KOREA!!! AHHH!!! I LOVE KOREA!! OMG KOREA!!!!”
Finally, the girls get to see JP who seemingly made the trip on ABC’s private plane by himself, and he proceeds to tell them that they’re going to do some really cool, really hip “Gangnam Style” stuff. Yeah? Way to be a year late on Gangnam Style, ABC. We’re living in the ADD world of the internet, ABC. Gangnam Style is from 30 years ago in internet time. Might as well had these girls do the Lindy Hop instead of K-Pop. Whatever, fuck this.
The next segment/group date should’ve been titled “Kat might be/have been a stripper”…
Kat is the one on our right in the orange with the boobs. The big boobs. Sorry, Kat is the one with the BIG BOOBS. And since ABC takes the worst pictures, there really are not any good ones showing how Kat was really dancing all sorts of slutty, but there’s this picture…
You can see her in the pink and orange with the butt and she’s obviously doing some kind of genie ass shake. And yes, they all dressed up like fucking idiots to dance to some K-Pop, which is apparently mandatory. JP dressed as Mugatu, which is so hot, right? He’s the best.
The girls met some K-Pop group and then did back-up dancing for them at a show in a mall and what we learned more than anything is that Kat knows everyone of Demi Moore’s moves from “Striptease” and THEN SOME and she knows them perfectly. Which is kind of hot, but also kind of concerning whether or not you are a single father because Kat has a notoriously sluttier job than a stripper and that’s as a medical sales rep. dunh DunH DUNH!!!!
Kat, TOTES, bangs or cock-teases/clit-teases a bunch of doctors to make her quotas every month. Make that paper, Kat!
Also, watching a whole bunch of hot white girls strip down and learn to do sultry dances for a bunch of Koreans makes me feel like we’re a bad 10 minutes away from turning this episode of The Bachelor into Liam Neeson’s TAKEN. Like a knockout gas enters the dance studio through the vents, cut to a week later and Kat & Cassandra are go-go dancing in bikinis in some underground lair for high priced sex slavery. Hmmmm… yeah… that’s nice. Ok… what?
So… I got kind of bored with the dancing and the group date honestly and started checking out each girl’s profile on ABC.com and that’s where I saw Kat’s job and then I saw some other truly horrifying facts that Juan Pablo should be briefed on…
ELISE – the enormous boobed blonde who hasn’t done anything on the show yet except call Chelsie a child – her “longest relationship” is EIGHT YEARS. EIGHT YEARS!!!!! Regardless of age, that is absolutely TERRIFYING! TERRIFYING! And, she’s 27. TWENTY SEVEN! Eight years is more than a quarter of her life! I mean unless she was dating this dude for 8 years from like 6 to 14 then then she’s absolutely crazy pants. She’s realistically been in 1 relationship her whole life and her second relationship is possibly going to be a guy she “won” on a reality TV show? AND! She keeps saying she’s ready to be this stranger’s daughter’s mother. Elise and her phenomenally big tits are fucking CRAZY! … spoiler alert … Elise does get kicked off the show later.
Also, Nikki is a fucking psychopath. This whole episode is spent with Nikki complaining about everything they do and complaining about the other girls like she’s just realizing what she got herself into and she spends every single second talking shit on Clare for seemingly trying to win the show and later Nikki just kicks Clare out of her 1 on 1 time with JP. BUT, that’s not what makes this bitch a psycho! Nikki is a psycho because she listed her three favorite movies as THE NOTEBOOK, AVATAR, and THE ISLAND.
THE ISLAND?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Let’s be real, she’s a dumb person. “The Notebook”, ok? You’re a boring white woman and you masturbate to Ryan Gosling, congratulations for being one of the majority. Avatar? It’s not even that good of a movie in general let alone that original of one, but you know what?! I’ll give it to you because it was pretty cool when I saw it the first time in 3D, but … scratch that … Avatar is mildly entertaining on repeat watch and is a very weird movie if you think about it for a split second, so that’s a bad choice… BUT… The Island? THE ISLAND?! THE ISLAND?!?!?!??! That’s fucking nuts talk right there. There is absolutely only one positive about The Island and that’s how phenomenal Scarlett Johansson’s hair looks especially in slow-mo, but that movie is garbage. I don’t care if you dildo yourself to death to the one shot of Ewan McGregor without his shirt on because Ewan McGregor is in a lot of movies and you can choose anyone of them. I wouldn’t allow a person who lists The Island as one of their favorite movies around my child. They probably carry some type of brain disease of stupidity that is infectious.
But Juan Pablo is an idiot and gives Nikki the rose. What a fucking idiot!
Back to the episode at hand…
Big tits Kat pulls Juan Pablo aside for a mind-bending sexy alone time session for Kat and her toned body to curl up right next to JP and whisper into his ear… about her alcoholic dad. FUCKING BONER KILLER! WOOOOOO!!!!
THIS IS TWICE NOW! JP was pretty much fucking Clare in a hot tub when she unloaded about her dead dad. Now, Kat is like, ‘Let’s sneak off and I’ll rub the bulge in your jeans until you soil them’ and JP is like ‘Bueno!’ and then Kat is like ‘My dad’s a drunk and let’s talk about fears.’ No bueno!
Then we get the only one-on-one date in Korea and SURPRISE SURPRISE it’s with Sharleen.
If you need a refresher, Sharleen is the opera singer who’s not that into Juan Pablo, but he fucking loves her and she’s also a horrendous kisser. And we got to see everything I just mentioned in this date, so that’s pretty good I guess.
Sharleen has a sit down with Juan Pablo where she tells him he’s NOT BLAND. Hey, sweetheart, flattery will get you anywhere, am I right? Not bland! That’s got to be the bitchiest fucking thing she could have said to him. NOT bland. You’re NOT bland. You know what? If someone tells you you’re NOT BLAND from now on you can haul off and slap the shit out of them. One good slap. But Juan Pablo is an idiot and he doesn’t speak English that well, so he didn’t know what bland was nor did he know she was pretty much insulting the shit out of him, but whatever.
Juan Pablo does get the opera singer to sing a little opera and guess what? Sharleen can sing. I was fucking shocked. I don’t think much of what I see on TV is real, so I was surprised to see her actually able to sing opera when she said she could before. I mean Cassandra said she’s a former NBA dancer meanwhile she wasn’t that good at dancing, maybe that’s why she’s a “former”. I don’t know. Anyway…
After Sharleen proved she could sing, it got her pussy all wet and the two of them started engaging in that weird kissing that Sharleen likes to do. I really hope Sharleen watches herself on this show and sees how terrible she is at kissing and corrects that in her own life. I don’t know if she wins the show, but if she can learn anything from this experience it is video evidence of her being a weirdo kisser.
Back to the other bitches… Juan Pablo takes them on a group date that is fucking BORING and pointless like most of this shit. They fly them to Korea to do pretty much nothing. What a boring commercial for South Korea tourism. Hey, come to Korea to eat shitty street food and sing karaoke. Or you could save yourself a couple thousand dollars and keep living whatever boring life you lead without ever flying a dozen hours to get to our boring country, right?
After the group date, Andi the brunette lawyer gets the rose for some unknown reason. I kind of forgot she was on the show. Then the other brunette Lauren S. has a break down because Juan Pablo won’t kiss her, which is ENTIRELY Juan Pablo’s fault. I mean he’s a fucking dickhead for not kissing her. She and he know he’s been kissing all these other girls then she tries to kiss her and she gets denied. They haven’t had any real 1 on 1 time and blah blah blah. Just fucking kiss her, you moron! You don’t think the other girls talk about how much they’re kissing you?! Anyway, Lauren S. has a breakdown and she later doesn’t get a rose and is kicked off the show. She got a free trip to Korea, I guess?
Meanwhile, JP says he’s not going to kiss anyone, but he ends up making out with Clare because she’s a hot/crazy-eyed MILF who he nearly banged in a hot tub earlier.
So, big boobs Elise goes home and sad sack Lauren S. goes home. Or do they? Do they get a return flight to Los Angeles or are they left to fend for themselves in Korea?
Who is left? Fucking Kelly! Fucking literal up-turned nose Kelly with the bobble head and the profession as a “dog lover”. I don’t even think there’s been a single second shown of Juan Pablo conversing with Kelly. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t kick her off. She’s all potential, right? She could be super smart or funny or who knows? She should keep avoiding Juan Pablo and maybe she’ll sneak into the final 5.
Next episode, Clare gets super slutty in Vietnam. Yep. VIET-FUCKING-NAM!
At least from the preview, it appears Clare may actually fuck Juan Pablo, which may have been crossing the line and possibly gets sent home for it. HAHAHAHAH! That would be too funny.
I don’t even know who I’m rooting for at this point. I guess Renee who I didn’t mention once in this post because Danielle and Brew Dawgz are pulling for her. I think I’m rooting for The Bachelor to be recast halfway through the season with Taye Diggs. He’s single. Also, they should recast the women to a bunch of chicks who have better taste than the fucking “The Island”.
Diggs deserves better.
I think the answer is the latter. We’re talking about the Grammys. The Grammys have always sucked. Not like sucked recently, but forever and always the Grammys have sucked. They’re most famous for missing the boat on pretty much every new music trend by several years and even when they start pretending like they know what that trend is even about then they fuck that up too.
Also, pretty much everyone who attends the Grammys dresses like an idiot because musicians think of themselves as unique and quirky and for some reason they feel the need to dress the way someone who would make that type of music would dress, so they’re simply a caricature of the idea of themselves. So, most of them look like a bunch of jackasses.
So, needless to say I didn’t watch the Grammys. I didn’t watch the NFL Pro Bowl either because that’s maybe more pointless than the Grammys. And I didn’t watch the WWE Royal Rumble because the Royal Rumble is the biggest cocktease (not just talking about 30 men in their underwear wrestling each other at the same time type of cocktease) in all of professional wrestling and I think I’m over it.
You’ve probably heard the term “royal rumble” before with an idea that it’s a big deal specialty match-up in the professional wrestling world. For that matter, you probably have heard of “battle royale” as well – the match not the Asian movie that is a gory Lord of the Flies, but is for whatever reason heralded on the interwebz like it’s The Godfather. Anyway, the “Royal Rumble” starts with 2 wrestlers in the ring and then 28 wrestlers enter the ring 60 seconds apart until all of them have entered while the others are fighting each other. The only way to be eliminated is being thrown over the top rope and two feet touch the ground.
It’s a great way to put pretty much everyone on the WWE roster into a ring at the same time without anyone needing to be pinned or whatever. It’s unique. It’s also primed for surprise people in the rumble and jokes and laughs and big spots. Also, the winner of the Rumble gets to be in the main event of Wrestlemania – or that’s seemingly what the prize is because sometimes those guys later lose that prize, but you get the idea. Anyway, the IDEA of the Rumble is pretty much greater than any of the actual Royal Rumbles. As fun as the idea can be, generally, the WWE gets pretty conservative with the Rumble and it blows.
The Royal Rumble is pretty much every comicbook/superhero movie. The idea is wonderful, but the execution is usually quite flawed.
Why am I even writing any of this? I DON’T KNOW!
So… do you want to look at a few red carpet people from the Grammys? OK!
Honestly, I’m going to only go through a few of these attractive ladies and not bother with all the people who are either disturbing looking STEVEN TYLER and CYNDI LAUPER, so if you want to lose your lunch then check out a full gallery of red carpet nobodies on Yahoo.
Tay Swift looks pretty great.
It’s as conservative of a dress as Stone Cold Steve Austin winning the Royal Rumble in 2001… well… that sucked… this dress is not as bad as that. This dress looks fine. I mean it’s a little too classy for the Grammys, but whatev…….
LET’S JUST MOVE ON ALREADY TO ANNA KENDRICK, OK?!
Someone should put this lady in the moving pictures business!!! Oh wait! They did!!! THANK YOU, JESUS!
What can be said about Anna Kendrick and Anna Kendrick’s boobs that A. I haven’t already said before and B. wouldn’t get me into trouble with my girlfriend? To be honest, I think I have complimented this little Tinker Bell’s boobs many times and have probably said about as much straight-up creeper talk I could say about them. Also, to be honest, Danielle and I have discussed Anna Kendrick’s boobs a few times. I mean how do you not talk about them?! Seriously, what are you talking about? Politics?!!?!! Do you think I want to spend my whole life thinking about fat ass Chris Christie’s bullshit or how fleeting financial success can be or how much death there is in the world? NO!
I want to celebrate life and Anna Kendrick’s boobs.
Those boobs and Anna Kendrick herself are a great American success story we all can be proud of.
She looked amazing and no one else looked as amazing as her, suffice to say.
What other jerkoffs do I have to talk about?
Well, she is a DJ nowadays, right?
Apparently, she showed up with Cash Money Millionaires’ Birdman, which is funny.
What in the Hell is going on in this picture?
The dress is awful. ACTUALLY, strike that. This dress would be so cute on my imaginary niece who just loves music. She’s 4 and she has really enjoyed playing with her toy version of a clarinet recently and we’re all very supportive of her with it. BUT!!!! As for Katy Perry wearing that dress… fucking get another dress! Get that dress that you wore that was green and everyone was staring at your cleavage including Ellen Degeneres. GET THAT FUCKING DRESS or get that dress in red or something.
Fuck this dress.
Fuck really everything about this picture including the chick in the back who is pulling down on her skirt, but looks like she’s got to pee.
Great looking woman and I like the effort of showing this much skin, bu there’s just something off putting about this dress. It actually looks better in this picture than some of the others I saw on Yahoo that were straight on. Maybe it’s the hair? That’s not the dress I know, but I don’t know.
I think it’s a good thing I’m really not into Ariana Grande on multiple levels.
I’m still a mess up in there in the brain, but I haven’t really bought into this chick and what she’s selling. It actually kind of creeps me out.
I’ll be comfortable in life never knowing who Miranda Lambert really is.
Did you know she’s fucking crazy short? There was a picture of her next to some guy country singer and unless that was Dikembe Motumbo in white face then this chick is about 5 foot.
1st place Anna Kendrick
2nd place Chrissy Teigen
Is Ciara pregnant?
This pose makes her look like she’s pregnant.
If she is then congrats.
If she isn’t then this is weird.
Also, if she isn’t pregnant – where are your legs!?!??! You’ve got the best legs ever, don’t hide them!
Lastly, Amber Rose who looks like Amber Rose again, which is both sexy and slightly frightening.
Amber causes a wave of emotions.
Although, she’s way less creepy than Wiz Khalifa. Although, the fact that she birthed his child kind of makes her the creepiest.
I don’t know.
Let’s just stop here.
I love you all.
I hope you had a great weekend.
I hope the polar vortex doesn’t swallow us all.
January 23, 2014
It has come to my attention that I have not formerly talked about the AFC/NFC Championship Football Party that Danielle and I threw on Sunday.
For those unaware, two Sundays before the Superbowl… actually let me back it up even more.
For those unaware, there’s a sport called football also known as American professional tackle football… actually let me back it up even more.
For those unaware, the greatest nation in the history of all nations is the United States of America… actually one more time.
For those unaware, human beings!
For those unaware, LIFE! We’re living it!
Hmmmmm… some heavily concentrated hydrogen had sex with each other thus creating what we know as “The Big Bang” aka the universe’s space jizz!
OK! So, that’s settled.
If you don’t really watch the NFL, but you watch the Superbowl then you probably think everyone loves the Superbowl, but they really don’t. The Superbowl is the anti-thesis to football. Actually, cricket might be the anti-thesis to football, but back to the matter at hand. The Superbowl has become more commercialized than Christmas and while it’s difficult to fuck up gift giving, the Superbowl is generally far from the greatest game of the year. There have been many great Superbowls, but there have been many not so great Superbowls. Add to the pressure of the final game of the year deciding who is best, that the Superbowl is bloated with so many literal commercial breaks, a longer intro, longer halftime show, and two weeks of build-up that sometimes can ruin the game.
The best Sunday in the NFL is the AFC/NFC Championships.
First off, you get 2 games instead of 1. That’s already better than the Superbowl.
Second, it’s generally 2 games with a lot of history and animosity built up between the teams because pretty much any playoff team in the NFC is rivals with every other playoffs team in the NFC and same goes for the AFC. While there are great beat-up rivalries in the league between teams that are near each other in proximity or in the same division, that doesn’t necessarily make those two teams equals. But playoff teams have to be good teams and especially the playoff teams that make it to the AFC/NFC Championships.
So, you get the two battle tested best from the NFC and the two battle tested best from the AFC fighting to have a shot to say they’re the best. And honestly, teams usually slug it out more in these games than the Superbowl because EVERYONE is watching the Superbowl and getting to the Superbowl is a prize in and of itself and sometimes teams play it safe once they’re in the Superbowl because they’re worried too much about losing. And you want to make it into the Superbowl with momentum and not just sneaking your way in there.
ANYWAY… best Sunday of the calendar year, every year!
And, Danielle and I threw a food and booze party, which featured this…
Those are sausages. Lots of them.
That wasn’t the only thing Danielle and I made. Specifically, that wasn’t the only thing Danielle made as she made an illegal amount of food for this party, which we’ve been working our way through ever since.
Those sausages were for the sausage & peppers sandwiches. Those sausages filled two crockpots with peppers & onions and a mixture of tomato paste and red wine. They cooked for 6 hours and were served on sub rolls or hoagie rolls or whatever the fuck you call the long rolls, you particular bread naming fucks.
Danielle made SIX POUNDS of BRISKET, which was phenomenal. Danielle made that dutch oven recipe for the first time only a couple weeks ago and we loved it and ate the leftovers as sandwiches. This time, we just ate that brisket as sandwiches and it was amazing. It was a ridiculous amount of brisket to make and personally I got 4 or 5 sandwiches out of the brisket. That brisket is cooked for like 4 hours in a dutch oven filled with a bunch of vegetables that I can’t remember anymore and red wine and it’s fucking amazing.
Danielle made gooey MAC & CHEESE. Actually, a 13×9 pan of that amazingness.
Danielle made BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP. Also, fucking delicious. One of my favorites.
And Danielle made CHOCOLATE COVERED PRETZELS with the teams’ colors. So, fucking great.
What did I do?
Well, I ate so much of what was listed above and drank 15 to 20 beers.
I did do some cooking.
I made BROWNIES from a box.
I did cook some RIBS. I made a million RIBS. It’s thoroughly not difficult to do, which could be why I was in charge of them in my inebriated state.
All you need to do is buy the ribs from COSTCO that are the pre-rubbed St. Louis ribs. Or, you could just buy ribs and then dry rub them with a store bought dry rub, either way. You separate the slabs into nice sized slabs that fit into a 9×13 foil tray, wrap the top with tin foil, and stick them into the oven at 325 for 4 hours. Halfway in – 2 hours for the non-mathematicians – take the trays out and pour the grease that has accumulated at the bottom of the tray out. Wrap the top again and put them back in. When 4 hours is up, pour the grease out again, ditch the foil wrap, get whatever wet barbecue sauce you like and slap that on the ribs and throw the ribs back in the oven for like 20-30 minutes. When that’s over… take them out and they’ll fall right off the bone and stuff your fucking face with some ribs.
So… there’s that.
Also, we bought like cheese and hummus and a veggie platter and guacamole dip and chips and crackers and beer and wine and really never stopped eating or drinking the entire two games. It was magnificent.
Friends came over and we laughed as well.
January 21, 2014
YES, I AM STILL WATCHING THE BACHELOR.
What I have learned this season from Juan Pablo has been HUGE… well, would’ve been huge if I was still single. See, I’m not single and with me not being single, I can’t use the romance tips that Juan Pablo has illustrated time and time again this season. So, if you’re single and are looking to mingle then please take heed of Juan Pablo’s hooking-up jiu-jitsu…
Take the unsuspecting girl on a date that is in no way a good time nor at all a normal way to spend time with a person on a first date.
What it does? It gets that frigid bitch out of her comfort zone and she’s got nothing to hold onto in this insane world anymore.
BREAK HER DOWN… emotionally. I’m talking REDUCE HER TO TEARS. Is it ok to reduce a girl to tears on a first date? OF FUCKING COURSE IT IS! JUAN PABLO IS DOING IT TWO TO FIVE TIMES AN EPISODE. Juan Pablo has these girls so mentally fragile about what they’re doing, what he’s forcing them to do, what if they don’t do it would another girl in the house have done it, what are the other girls doing with him when I’m not there et cetera. It’s paranoia mind manipulation and Juan Pablo is a master at it. Possibly a Dr. at it. Juan Pablo holds a PhD is fucking with chicks brains.
Finally, this is where you start shoving your tongue down their throat at…
Get the girl in a bikini AT ALL COSTS!
It’s a scientific fact, if a girl is wearing a bikini, she can’t make a rational decision. There’s something about covering less than 10% of your body that makes a chick fucking nuts. And, on top of that, she’s already been crying from step 2 and she is absolutely terrified about the world from step 1, so while she’s been nearly stripped naked into the bikini – it’s time to start rounding the bases. I’m not saying Juan Pablo is hitting homeruns, but if you hit enough doubles in your day, you’re bound to see homeplate. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!! JUAN PABLO KNOWS WHAT I MEAN!!! RIGHT!!! RIGHT?!?!?!?!? RIGHT, JUAN PABLO?!?!?!? YOU GET OFF ON CHICKS WHO CRY AND THEN YOU MAKE HOMOPHOBIC COMMENTS!!?!?!?!?!? WOOOOO!!!!! HE’S THE BACHELOR ALRIGHT!!!!!
I was told that Juan Pablo made some homophobic remarks about having a gay season of The Bachelor. He said that a gay bachelor would set a bad example for kids. I think that’s what he said.
Let me begin by saying, THE BACHELOR SETS BAD EXAMPLES FOR KIDS!
No children should be watching The Bachelor. I would not argue that adults should watch it either. Like full grown ass adults really shouldn’t watch the bachelor either because it sets a bad example. This is not how you get to know people or how women should treat themselves for that matter. A relationship shouldn’t be about a chick making herself malleable for the guy while he’s doing nothing but being himself as well as pursuing other chicks. Seriously, he knows zip about these girls and they need to get themselves comfortable with his stupid ass accent, his child, his food, his “activities”, and so on. I guess the same could be said for The Bachelorette, but I’m not watching that right now.
A gay bachelor would rule.
Let repeat that … A GAY BACHELOR WOULD RULE.
A gay “bachelor” would be a dude who likes sucking other dude’s poles and/or getting his pole sucked by a dude with a pole. Ok? Just wanted to define that for everyone.
There would be so much more drama and infighting and just action in general on a gay bachelor. One huge reason why? All the dude contestants could end up fucking the other dude contestants. THAT’S AMAZING. That’s some real honest competition for The Bachelor. He’s got to woo some of these guys before the other guys can woo each other in the house. Currently, the chicks on the show will need to drink A LOT of white wine to get them even reasonably close to kissing, but on the gay bachelor – the bachelor will need to be a pretty bad ass gay dude to keep all the attention on him and not the other contestants. Make the fucking bachelor work to be sexually attractive to these people. I mean right now, the only guy around is Juan Pablo, so they either have to be into him or not and that’s cheating in my book.
ANYWAY… gay bachelor rules, Juan Pablo drools… what happened this week?!
Well, ABC’s website took the worst pictures ever from the episode and only from one of the dates from the episode too, so I guess you’ll just have to imagine some of it…
Cassandra and Chelsie here got to go on 1-on-1 dates with Juan Pablo.
Cass went up first where JP took her to a beach in some weird looking Jeep Wrangler where he drove the car through the sand and into the water because the car is also a BOAT. Yep! That’s the beginning of the date! Remember how I said the first thing he does is completely remove these girls from their comfort zone? Well, how about you take a piece of machinery everyone knows quite well and you make it do something normally thought of to be impossible. IMPOSSIBLE. Cars don’t drive in water!!!
Juan Pablo might as well have taken an apple at the start of the date and thrown it upward and it just stays there defying gravity and it never comes down and 21 year old Cass’ brain just fucking MELTS.
He tools around in the water with Cass for a while for no reason because this has nothing to do with Juan Pablo unless JP has an array cars that are also sea-based vehicles as well and he does this all the time freaking people out by driving a seemingly average car into a bed of water and the car magically turns into a fucking boat. Anywhatzzle…
They drive the car boat out to a boat boat where Cassandra is forced into a bikini, reminded that she needs to make a good impression on JP or JP is going to send her home to be with her son, so Cassandra is now vulnerable to just about anything and JP begins molesting Cassandra’s former NBA dancer body in the water.
SWEET FUCKING DATE, right?!
Cut to an hour or so later TV time, and JP is on a date with cutie-pa-tootie Chelsie who has been called a child a 1000x at this point by big boobed Elise.
What’s their date? Well, JP makes Chelsie pretend to like Spanish music for an hour then once those merengue beats have messed with her normal brain pattern enough, JP takes Chels to a street fair and forces her to eat all sorts of fried foods that look like normal fried food, but JP keeps saying this is Venezuelan this and this is Venezuelan that meanwhile I’m pretty sure they were just eating mozzarella sticks or something akin.
THEN! Juan Pablo informs Chelsie they will be bungee jumping off a bridge that is like 10 feet away from them and it is happening RIGHT NOW! JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE CHELSIE!!! HE’LL NEVER LIKE YOU IF YOU DON’T JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE!!! JUST JUMP OFF A BRIDGE TO PROVE TO THIS DECADE OLDER FOREIGN STRANGER THAT YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDER TO BE OK!! JUMP OFF THE BRIDGE FOR THIS MAN TO CONSIDER THE IDEA THAT HE MIGHT BE ABLE TO LIKE YOU DOWN THE LINE AFTER HE MAKES YOU JUMP OFF THIS BRIDGE AS WELL AS DO OTHER THINGS LIKE THIS DOWN THE ROAD!!! JUST JUMP OFF THE FUCKING BRIDGE BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN LIFE ANYMORE, CHELSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, what happens? Well, Chelsie begins to cry, which is step 2 of the Juan Pablo dating process, so this date is PERFECTO.
Chelsie does eventually jump off the bridge after JP plays mind games with Chelsie for like 10 minutes about how it is ok for them not to jump off the bridge, but she could just jump off the bridge with him as well. I mean it’s totally ok if she doesn’t jump, but she could also just jump with him because that’s what he wants to do and fuck her feelings entirely.
She jumps. Then they kissed some ala “Spider-Man” with them hanging upside down.
That’s about the end of the date.
Oh wait… a country music band showed up out of nowhere and started playing a song for them and who the fuck cares. So stupid.
There’s a soccer group date where he makes the chicks play 5 x 5 after finding out more than half of them have never played soccer before. Then they get the chicks dressed in gold sports bras and eye black and let them run around getting concussions.
The chick in the pig tails in blue is Sharleen and she gets fucking hit in the head with the soccer ball numerous times. With her brain thoroughly scrambled, when JP takes the girls individually to the center of the field or to the far stands for some alone time, Sharleen opens her mouth for JP to probe it with his tongue BECAUSE SHARLEEN AND JUAN PABLO ARE THE WEIRDEST WORST KISSERS EVER… and then we got to see them do it again when Juan Pablo showed up at the house later.
Sharleen’s idea of kissing was sadly heavily influenced by the TWILIGHT movies, which is really sad because she’s 32(?) or something. In Twilight, there’s an awful lot of emphasis on using one’s forehead during kissing and that’s where things go south because YOUR FOREHEAD DOESN’T KNOCK COME INTO PLAY WHEN YOU’RE KISSING! Actually, I would argue the best kisses involve the least amount of forehead.
Sharleen angles her forehead to meet his, so that Juan Pablo has to blindly attack Sharleen’s hiding half opened mouth his jutting jaw and mouth. This also led to Juan Pablo nearly sticking his finger in Sharleen’s mouth to fish hook it to his mouth, so he could possibly kiss her in a way that humans would recognize as kissing.
Aside from that…
Apparently, Kat has some fucking huge boobs. Good for her.
So, JP ends up going over to the house and greeting the girls by preparing them the Venezuelan specialty breakfast known as eggs and toast. And this is where Juan Pablo gets to see all the girls in their… PEE-YAMAS. In their pee-yamas. He’s a fucking weirdo. I hope no one ends up with Juan Pablo.
After he feeds them, he has them all strip into bikinis and takes them out to the pool to passive-aggressively compete for him in front of the rest of the chicks.
That’s where Kat showed off her ENORMOUS boobs, Clare decided to have a crying meltdown that drew Juan Pablo away from the girls and got some alone time with her and him, and Sharleen did her weird kissing again. Seriously, she’s cute and all, but if the bitch can’t kiss then how the fuck are you going to have a relationship with her?
In the end…
Juan Pablo kicked off nude Lucy because he can’t have that around his daughter plus I’m pretty sure she was 14, so that’s illegal even where he’s from.
And, JP kicked off some blonde who I had never seen before in my life and I’ve been watching this show.
I think this episode was kind of low-key because they spent way too much of the season’s budget last week. There’s going to be a date soon with Juan Pablo and a chick playing poker using Fruit Loops as currency.
I wrote a lot of this for Monday, but got sidetracked and never posted it. SO HERE IT IS NOW!!!!
After a weekend of the NFL’s divisional playoffs, painting our bedroom, slipping on some ice and skinning my knee, going to a buddy’s house and eating my weight in buffalo chicken dip… We were both shot when we got home last night (add in a cold sneaking on for Danielle) and we just dropped onto the couch with Coco and could not move. So, the Golden Globes started and the next thing they were over with about 3 hours of some funny jokes, but mostly rich people who are completely full of themselves slapping each other on the back and seemingly quite intoxicated absorbed most of the time.
As for who won what?
I do like BROOKLYN 99 a lot, but I’m not sure about Andy Samberg being the funniest guy on TV. The show itself winning the best show, I’m not sure about either, but it is a good show and I do enjoy watching. I enjoy watching some of those other shows as well… whatevs!
Amy Adams and Jennifer Lawrence winning was deserved. It’s also funny to note that whole weird speech that Diane Keaton gave about Woody Allen writing these great roles for women and then the two mentioned talking about David O. Russell writing great roles for women… It’s kind of a shame no one takes the time to mention how horrendous Martin Scorsese is at writing roles for women. I mean… if we’re giving props, let’s also give some demerits!
I don’t really remember the rest, but stuff happened and whatever.
LET’S TALK BOOBI- …
Let’s look at the dresses everyone was wearing because that seems superficial sounding. The dresses are what we’re looking at everyone. The dresses…
Margot Robbie is an Australian smokeshow if I’ve ever seen one. Hachie machie!
If this was a scene from Golden Globe nominated The Wolf of Wall Street, I would have said, “Imagine how good her pussy looks!” And then, I would’ve done cocaine and then had a five minute conversation about said pussy and THEN there would be a scene of Margot Robbie showing the aforementioned pussy to Leonardo Di Caprio as he runs around the room like Pepe Le Pew, but saying fuck every five seconds and doing Quaaludes. GIVE THAT MOVIE AWARDS, RIGHT?!!?!?!?!?!?!?
Margot was born in 1990 and that’s crazy to me and she looks great, she kind of looks like a young Jeri Ryan, and after watching most of “The Wolf of Wall Street” it’s interesting to see what she looks like with clothes actually on.
She’s young, beautiful, looks great without her clothes, and can do a great whiny New York accent, so I’m sure she’ll be a fixture in the biz for years to come.
Dear Bully, the internet hated your dress. Signed, the internet.
It’s definitely different although it could be much more offensive.
Did Sandra Bullock win for best actress in a drama? I don’t know, but she was excellent in GRAVITY and GRAVITY itself was mind-fucking-amazing.
Sandra herself in this picture is like, “I’m happy with the dress, but I can tell all of you are taking extra pictures because you’re going to scrutinize it.”
I think that the designers of the dresses should have to be at these awards shows held in a pen off to the side of the red carpet and then for the final pictures they have to run out next to the lady wearing their dress to put a face with the oddness, so that people aren’t just like BOOOOO SANDRA BULLOCK BECAUSE BLACK PINK AND CAROLINA BLUE DON’T GO TOGETHER YOU DIMWIT!!!!
If Jennifer Lawrence was were really into Debbie Harry and getting married in 1986 and not just floating in the ether as a potential DNA cross match that would happen 4 years later then this would have been a great wedding dress, right?
I mean she pulls it off. It’s fairly underwhelming minus JLaw being in it. Like I said it’s kind of punky, but not too punky that the punky girl doesn’t want a sweet ass white wedding.
I’m looking and I’m liking.
I guess Amy Adams learned a thing or two about the clothes that work for her while making AMERICAN HUSTLE because her character would have totally worn this dress because it features a sizable window for all of us to peek into for some stylish side boob. SIDE!!! BOOB!!!
Amy Adams is a gorgeous and talent… let me restart… Amy Adams is a talented and gorgeous lady and she’s got a knack for rocking side boob and the fair skinned, reddish haired Irish looking lass born in Italy can also rock a red dress. Looks excellent.
What has Tina Fey been doing since 30 ROCK ended? Growing her hair out because she’s got a mane of dark hair right now.
Anyway, Tina looked great in a lot of dresses on the show, but she arrived to the show in this dress, which was so-so. Actually, I hate this dress because usually Tina gives America what America wants and that’s some boobers and you get none of them in this dress. Also, she usually wears something a little more form fitting and she usually rocks the shit out of those dresses, but this is real billowy and just too busy to see Tina’s sweet bod. Am I right? SWEET BOD! Whatever! She’s attractive.
This dress also prompted a super bitchy/snarky response from me when Danielle mentioned how good Tina looked in one of the dresses on the show and I responded, “Yeah, but that’s not what she arrived in.” And I’m like so Joan Rivers queen all of a sudden. Super. THIS IS WHAT YOU’VE TURNED ME INTO!
I like this better than what Tina has on, but like Tina she was in a bunch of dresses on the show and she looked even better in some of those. Happy she won. And I think she was genuinely surprised she won. I was too. I think Poehler has stepped up her game on PARKS AND REC as they’ve been delving into political and cultural satire and instead of just jokes and she’s shown a bunch of emotion recently on the show AND she’s part of one of the best couples on TV with her and Adam Scott… so she’s doing it big on that show.
At the same time, Julia Louis Dreyfuss is the fucking murderiest murderer on VEEP as she is KILLING IT left right and center in every episode. I love that show. Can’t say enough good things about VEEP.
And she dates Nick Kroll? Seriously, you’ve got to watch out for those short dudes. They whisper!
Olivia Wilde is a sexy viper pregnant lady.
Danielle and I watched the replay of David Blaine’s new magic hour and there’s a bit where Blaine is at Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis’ house. Olivia is pre-pregnancy and just walking around in some white pants and a white bra around their pool. Meanwhile, Jason has a mustache with an entirely white linen ensemble and appears to be high as FUUUUUUUCK. It’s amazing.
I’d really like to see Olivia get in a good movie. Some might say “Drinking Buddies” is a good movie, and they’re not “wrong”, but I’m talking like a REALLY good movie.
Reese Witherspoon is just a fucking hot lady. Always has been, always will be. And! She’s quite talented. I feel like Reese is a little like Sandra Bullock where she’s not immediately thought of as a solid actress who can do comedy and drama and be hot and everything, but she is. I can think of at least 7 movies with Reese Witherspoon that I straight up enjoy. SEVEN! That’s a lot. She’s absolutely FLAWLESS in ELECTION for starters. And, honestly, you really don’t need to go further than that, but she’s been in other movies and she’s great and the whole drunk thing where she said to the cop “do you know who I am?!” makes her even more relate-able. You would do the same thing in her shoes!
Anyway, she’s sexy. And, did you know she’s got a tattoo of two swallows near her vagina? Isn’t that fucking great!
I wouldn’t say I’m a LEGALLY BLONDE fan – never seen it – but I’m a Reese Witherspoon fan.
I hope every Bradley Cooper role from now on is as a lovable psychopath. He plays over the top, psycho who is kind of a bumbling idiot so fucking well.
And as good of an actor as Mr. Cooper is, he seems to have no idea what to do with his hands in this picture. I don’t know what to do with my hands either, but I’d expect that an Oscar nominated actor would.
People are still shitting on Taylor Swift? C’mon! People seem to love or hate this chick and honestly who the fuck cares. I mean what was her big crime? Dating? I don’t even know anymore. Whatever, she looks pretty good here. I found it quite strange her song was the theme of some weird coming to age film in the UK, but whatevs.
Can’t wait for VEEP to start up again. Also, JLD looks smoking as usual.
He looks awkward as fuck.
I feel like he’s saying to the camera people, “Is my suit as shiny as I think it is? Right? It’s too shiny! I mean why would a suit be this shiny? Is it made of black aluminum or something? What’s going on here?! I didn’t order a shiny suit.”
I think I bought a Papyrus card that looked like that.
Actually, I definitely did.
I heard Kaley got divorced, met a new guy, got engaged, married him, divorced him, got re-engaged to her first husband, and married him all on the way to the bathroom during the show.
HAHAHAH because she jumps into relationships quickly in real life, you know?! HAHAHHAHA
Inside that tummy is the child of the prophecy between Kerry Washington and one-time great defensive back Nnamdi Asomugha.
Kerry looks great pregnant. Also, I like this dress a million times better than Drew Barrymore’s. I know I like it more than Olivia’s as well. Why? Well, she’s showing off her bigger than normal already big preggers boobs and that’s really just something you have to show off. She’s like a fertility deity in that dress.
I feel like there’s no depth in this dress. It looks like it is photoshopped on.
Also, if you don’t recognize this chick that’s ok because it’s the wholly unrecognizable Emilia Clarke who plays Dany on Game of Thrones.
This was THE talk of the red carpet.
EMMA WATSON WORE PANTS!
I haven’t seen a picture of what this outfit looks like from the front, but yeah pants are different. I mean I wear pants all the time or almost all the time, but for Emma MOTHERFUCKING Watson to wear pants?!?!?!?!? That’s fucking incredible.
As for the orange drapes she’s wearing as a top? Those I could do without. I guess the pants too. I mean next time Emma Watson should just show up naked in high heels. It would just be easier, right? Ok.
Jennifer Lawrence could straight-up bully Jessica Chastain.
Jessica is so tiny. Who knew she was a tiny? Like can’t touch the top of the refrigerator type of tiny. I know that Jennifer is taller… you know… for a girl… but if she dwarfs Chastain then I’m sure if I met Jessica Chastain then she would appear so small from my great height that it would be like I was looking down on a red-headed hot ant. Yeah, a sexy ant.
Sofia is working them thangs.
God bless her.
God bless her genetics.
God bless her misguided thought that she’s not going to be hot soon because of her age and thus leading her to wear a lot of revealing outfits to show off the goods while they look good and meanwhile she’ll probably still looking amazing well into her 70’s like Raquel Welch.
ALLISON WILLIAMS TOTALLY WANTS IT!
There was a lack of Kristen Stewart at the awards show, but not a lack of want with Ms. Williams around. I really hope Allison starts acting in other shows/movies because I’ve given up on Girls, but have not given up on wanting to see Allison Williams looking like she wants IT.
What the fuck is happening here?
Like really what the fuck is happening here?!
Why is Robin Wright with Ben Foster? Why is Ben Foster legally allowed to be with Robin Wright?
Why does Ben Foster look like a slightly smoother Mike from Breaking Bad?
Also, I just want to say this in case you think Ben Foster looks like a real bad ass or whatever – he’s 5’9″. Probably with shoes on.
Basically, Jennifer Lawrence could bully Ben Foster around too.